Dad ‘feeling sick’ when baby wakes at night

[Fearnature]

My other half always moans that he ‘feels sick’ when our little one wakes up at night. He huffs and puffs while i breastfeed then gets up and goes to sleep on the sofa. This happens every night and it’s starting to annoy me because I’m not sure if it’s an excuse or he genuinely does feel sick.

Am I being harsh by not believing him?

Has anyone else experienced feeling sick when woken at night? Or does your partner feel sick too?

How do I talk to him and try to help him?

To add - Monday to Friday I fully support him going downstairs as he works mon - fri. At weekends he will get up when baby wakes and will change nappy then go to the sofa.

[sergeilavrov]

Fatigue can make you feel nauseous. Fatigue is also an anticipated aspect of having a child. He can go and see a doctor to pursue medical help, and tell them it’s impacting his ability to be a parent; or he can acknowledge it’s something he has to work through because he had a baby.

I fly internationally a lot for work and sometimes the jet lag is so bad I am physically sick. I have tablets to stop that, and I still make my meetings. Support him to the extent that you want him to be able to deal with it so he can take a 50% burden, and if that means a GP check, that’s a great way to get him to stop moaning - or catch a problem if there is one.

[Willow4987]

Yes, I can feel sick too when woken from a deep sleep in the night by one of my children. I think DH feels it as well sometimes and probably worse than me as I do the majority of night wakings so I’m more used to it

[YuleAreBeingUnREASTIEable]

I get this sometimes too. In his defence it is quite grim and doing stuff when like that makes it worse. It can wear off after a while if being awake (or it can get worse) and it’s usually the first half of the night for me.

[YuleAreBeingUnREASTIEable]

Just to add, that’s not excusing his behaviour!

[DianeChambers]

I can feel sick is very tired. The difference is i know it is caused by the tiredness so got on with parenting regardless. Yes your dh might feel sick when he wakes, but just abdicating all parenting is still shitty.

What time does he go to bed to sleep?

[soughsigh]

Yep, I used to feel sick when woken from a deep sleep.

If you're breastfeeding and he can't help with the night feeds, is there anywhere else you can set up for DH to sleep? My DH slept in the spare room for the first 4 months of DS's life, he would get to sleep uninterrupted 11pm-5am, I would sleep 7pm-11pm and 5am-6.30am so at least we both got a chunk of sleep.

[Fearnature]

Thank you all for your advice. We currently don’t have a spare room, he will just go down on the sofa to sleep for the rest of the night. I’m glad (in the nicest way possible) that some of you have experienced it. At least it’s a thing! My other half is quite a complex man, but he is still amazing. Thank you all xx

[Milkshake7489]

I have always felt sick if woken from a deep sleep. It doesn't give him the right to huff or avoid helping with night feeds though!

[Trumplosttheelection]

It's a thing but he can choose whether it's helpful to mention it. Is complex code for self centred, selfish and one track so it's his way or no way?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

DH could sleep through a bomb going off and I’ve never needed him to wake up when feeding at night - he does the mornings - but when I’m really tired I absolutely feel sick. When it’s been really rough it’s nausea and headaches. Nothing like the soul destroying exhaustion of broken and/or not enough sleep.

[Verytired2019]

I get this too (currently up feeding 4 month old) and the last thing I want to do is breastfeed a baby when i feel like it but still have to! I find it passes once up for a bit (can be in 15 mins) but drinking/eating something like a biscuit or juice helps it’s pass.
Unless he’s got another medical problem I’d say he just has to suck it up (not the sick 😂) but then I’m pretty unsympathetic as I can’t go and sleep on my own and ignore the baby!

[MessAllOver]

Tell him to start out sleeping on the sofa if he wants to be undisturbed. What does he suggest you do? Your baby needs to be fed.

[MaryMashedThem]

I don't know about the feeling sick thing but regarding managing the lack of sleep, we took the view that 2 exhausted people made for a worse home life all round than 1. We also agreed from the start that there would be no competitive tiredness, because being tired is shit whether or not someone else feels like they're more tired!
So -after those first early weeks when we took turns sitting up awake all night holding the baby, terrified of SIDS we prioritised DH's sleep at night. I do all the night feeds and nappies, and I go to bed at about 9pm to allow me to do this. DH is free to sleep in the bedroom with me and DS or in his study with no judgement from me. BUT the trade off is that if i need to sleep in the day then he has to accommodate that. So if I need him to take DS in the morning while I have a lie in, or for an hour or two in the afternoon while I nap, he does that. It's been the one positive thing about lockdown and WFH; he's at home and able to do that. Sometimes it costs him his lunch break or means he has to work a little later into the evening but that's the deal.
DS is one now and still wakes 4-8 times every night. Its very hard but this system has allowed us to cope with it without too many arguments and without resentment building.
Might something like that work for you?

[berrygirlie]

I get quite extreme reactions from getting woken from sleep. There have been times where I've felt nauseous, but I've also had periods of getting woken up and feeling extremely suicidal. I think it might be to do with being woken up during a certain part of a sleep cycle, I'm not sure.

Could he go to the doctor for an appointment? If it's affecting both of you, there needs to be some more information on what's causing it and (hopefully) help and support.

[FortunesFave]

I get that and I sometimes shake too. It was TERRIBLE with newborns. Luckily, DH isn't bothered by being woken and so he did all night wakings...

[maddiemookins16mum]

Me too. If ever we had one of those early morning holiday flights which meant getting to Gatwick at silly o clock, I’d feel queasy/sick all the way there. I’m awake now due to back pain, have been up since 3am, felt sick for about 20 mins.

[Pumpertrumper]

I’ve weirdly seen a few threads about men ‘feeling sick’ so dodging baby duties. Especially in the night.

I mean, I’m 12 weeks pregnant and have just spent a solid 8 weeks SICK AS A DOG. It was so much worse on a night but ya know who didn’t care? My BF 9 month old
I just had to keep a bowl by the bed and pray. Luckily he usually just feeds once but I think it’s a fab example of situations where women just have to get on with it whilst men fall apart and can’t cope!

In fairness my DH had food poisoning the other night and literally checked on DS on his way to the main bathroom to throw up. I have to give mine credit, he’s very good at pushing through!

[Apricotta]

Offer him a ginger biscuit....

[RednaxelasBaubles]

Huffing and puffing at baby waking to feed is

Babies feed at night, babies cry, babies have teething and catch colds etc. Babies are highly demanding, that's their job... did he not think about this before deciding to have one..

Is he is a dickhead in other ways OP? Making your life harder and resenting his own baby is

[midnightstar66]

Yes I feel sick often if woken and have done since I was a child. You kind of have to suck it up though when you have a baby, so perhaps harsh not believing him but I'd not be doing anything to help him. He needs to get a grip!

[CeeceeBloomingdale]

Yes, I vomit when tired. Strangely I never felt like that going night feeds with DC though. As I BF I just left DH asleep and learned to do those in the dark, we didn't have a spare room either.

[CatteStreet]

'Quite a complex man' sounds like a euphemism, OP. Do you get to be 'quite complex'?

Why on earth would you 'try to help him'? Your attention and energy should really be elsewhere atm.

The sick feeling may be genuine, but tbh he can suck it up right now.

[EarringsandLipstick]

My other half is quite a complex man, but he is still amazing.

What?!

I'm not sure what 'complex' means but the behaviour you describe is far from 'amazing'

He huffs and puffs while i breastfeed then gets up and goes to sleep on the sofa.

This isn't on. He's being selfish & immature. Your baby needs to be fed. He needs to be supportive.

[WhyDoYouAsk]

Also wondering what ‘complex’ stands for really.
I’m guessing hypochondriac.

[Bramblecrumble]

I felt sick with night shift/ on call work. I decided it was because I ate late and found changing my eating patterns helped. I've not eating a big meal before bed, if you know you have to get up and do things in a couple of hours.