Help! Baby won't settle for Dad

[EmilyM13]

Hi all,

We have a 7 month old son who was born 5 weeks before lockdown. During lockdown my husband has been working from home but he works long hours. So baby and I have been together exclusively so naturally he relies on me for comfort. However we've started to notice that he won't go to sleep with my husband at all and if he wakes in the night, he'll scream until I comfort him. It's starting to be a problem as I'm concerned I won't be able to leave him in the evenings and it's also making my husband feel rejected - oh and I also need sleep!!

Any ideas?

Thank you!

[Mouscadoo]

I dont have any advice sorry as I am in the exact same scenario! Do you breastfeed?

[cupcakesandglitter]

Same here! But I'm a month behind at 6 months. I'm breastfeeding and she'll only boob to sleep atm! I give her a bottle of formula at night, and she'll still drink until she's full and refuse to sleep until she's on my boob (and falls asleep In 10 seconds!) I'm hoping it's just part of a leap/teething because she's not always been like this, but I'm starting to resent the fact that when she needs resettling it's always me that has to do it 😳

[NewMum0305]

Push through. Leave the house if you have too and let your partner do the settling for as long as it takes. If your baby screams until you go to comfort them, then they know that screaming means they get you. If they are with your partner, they know they are safe so they are not being abandoned or anything like that.

My now nearly 18-month-old was like this and I always intervened until my husband had a firm word with me and explained that nothing would ever change if I kept stepping in. So I left him too it - it was awful, I was in tears hearing my daughter crying and knowing that if I just stepped in, I could stop it. But we pushed through and she learned that sometimes Mummy would settle her to sleep and sometimes Daddy would, and now she goes down fine for us both (sometimes better for my husband!) Means I can go for an evening out without worrying and my husband knows he can contribute to bedtimes and naps. It’s tough but worth it - you just have to be really consistent and see it through x

[Salire86]

I had the same situation with my 7 month old. We just very gradually increased the amount my other half did it at night and decreased what I did. So initially he would just be in the room while I settled her, then he would lift her into the cot and I’d stay where she could see me, then I would just stay a few minutes and leave once she was settling. We just continued this and on Friday night he did the entire bedtime routine without a peep from her. I’m no good with listening to her cry, I find if you do things gradually enough there doesn’t need to be too many tears

[majesticallyawkward]

I had the same. My son was just about 4 months when lockdown started, he was in scbu for a week when he was born and then basically attached to me after that- if he wasn't feeding (bf) he was in a sling. Bottle and dummy refuser and would only ever settle with me.

He's 10 months now and in the last 2 months or so had taken to dh a lot better, he'll settle for him and even fall asleep. We did a few things to get here, not sure which were better but:

1. preserved with the dummy, he finally accepted it recently which made being away from me much easier!
   
2. even when he cried dh stuck with it, did all the things I would do and some of his own until he found what worked. Started with a few minutes of me out of the room and built up until I was out for a couple of hours. Did 'disappearing mummy' where I'd just pop out of the room for 30 seconds to a few minutes to get him used to me leaving.
   
3. carried on trying with bottles, found one he liked (nanobebe) so I'm not essential for feeds
   
4. comforters, I slept with his stuffed animal so it smells like me (and him, we cosleep so it was a joint effort), he'd refused a comforter for so long but having something that smelled familiar helped him.
   
   He goes to nursery and has spent time with his grandma for the last month, even 2 overnight visits now and he's so much happier being away from me now.
   
   It's hard when it's all on you non-stop all of the time. And it's hard to hear your baby crying and not step in. Could you gradually build up? Even just leaving baby and your dh alone to play for a while when baby isn't tired/hungry at first then when you're all ready let him do a nap or bedtime, maybe wearing the top you've had on that day or a blanket/teddy you've slept with for that familiar smell?

[majesticallyawkward]

• persevered with the dummy, not preserved 🤦‍♀️

[Mippi]

Definitely give them more opportunities and time together. Don't go in and take over even if the baby cries.

[EmilyM13]

Thanks so much everyone. Tonight we've started a new routine, your comments made me realise that DH doesn't have any 1-2-1 time with just him and DS. I've backed off tonight and let DH do the bedtime routine completely and I just gave him a kiss and cuddle before he fell asleep. Hoping that as they gradually spend more and more time just the two of them then DS will feel more comforted by DH and not just me.

I BF for 6 months but DS has now gone onto formula so DH has taken over the nighttime feed now (well just tonight so far!)

Just finding it so hard to hear him crying and wanting to settle him whilst trying not to intervene for my husband's sake. It's also getting to the point where, on a bad night in particular, I can be up every 45 mins resettling whilst DH wants to help but can't - can't help but feel resentment in a way.

[BrokenLink]

I think that babies bond well with dad when he carries them in a sling. At 7 months they might both enjoy a baby back pack. If he is really struggling to settle the baby he could take baby out for a walk