I feel so clueless

(20 Posts)
p0ptart Thu 03-Sep-20 20:06:31

I have a 6.5 week old who won't sleep unless I'm holding her, and I feel so clueless and useless. This is my second, and my first was (and still is) a terrible sleeper, so I want to have a good go at fixing sleep this time, if possible.

All the materials I read online talk about popping the baby down for a nap or sending her to bed at x time, but I just can't seem to do this. She cries the minute I set her down, even if she seemed deeply asleep. I can't even achieve this, so how will I ever do 'drowsy but awake'? Naps are spent in my arms or in the sling. Bedtime is me going to bed with her, holding her.

I also read about how they should be able to do 2/3 hour stretches at night, but mine wakes up every 1-1.5 hours.

Every baby is different, she's still little, I know. But nothing is going like in the books, or like how it's going for my friends, so I must be missing something.

I'm getting no sleep, and I'm envisaging another two years of no sleep ahead of me. What am I doing wrong? Any suggestions?

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CheesePleaseLoueese Thu 03-Sep-20 20:39:34

Can't help but following with interest.

My 6.5 week old sounds exactly like your one!! He will only sleep on me or (at a push) next to me. His "next to me" cot is too far away for him to consider going in it for any length of time, so he will wake up constantly in that.

It is punishing - I hear you!

p0ptart Thu 03-Sep-20 21:52:00

@CheesePleaseLoueese arrrgh sorry to hear you're in the same shoes but glad I'm not alone. What's going on? What am I doing wrong? Like you, I can only transfer DD from my arms to right next to me on the bed at a push - but only between the hours of 10pm and 3am. And even during this window, it's not guaranteed and she grunts and moans. The next to me cot is used to store nappies etc. as she just won't go in it.

Do you follow a set schedule at all, like naps at certain times?

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p0ptart Thu 03-Sep-20 22:32:53

Anybody else?

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Bobble011019 Fri 04-Sep-20 08:31:39

I remember DS being like this when we first brought him home. I was BF and he wasn't happy unless he was on me and on the boob. After weeks of deprivation I introduced a bottle and he slept like a dream, not to say it works for everyone but it was our saviour. It also meant my partner could do feedings and I was even able to take a full night off and get the rest I needed. We also found swaddling helped in the early stages as DS reflexes would wake him a lot. I dont know if that's much help but its what worked for us

Bobbybobbins Fri 04-Sep-20 08:53:07

Both of mine were like this (sorry). I ended up cosleeping til they were 5.5 months then got them into their own room/bed.
I found for naps the pram/buggy then double buggy saved me from having a baby attached to me all the time.

CheesePleaseLoueese Fri 04-Sep-20 11:14:46

@p0ptart

We have no routine at the mo as he's just not ready for it. Or - rather - I can't commit to one with two other kids with wildly differing schedules...

Kudos to you for repurposing the next to me into something actually useful (ie storage)!

I think once his cold is over with I am going hardcore with use of the cot AND nap schedules!!

Still reading this thread with interest though!

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CheesePleaseLoueese Fri 04-Sep-20 11:16:54

@Bobble011019

Actually yes we also have a swaddle sleeping bag thing which I should use more. He does sleep a bit better in that!

Eggcellent29 Fri 04-Sep-20 12:33:28

You are not useless or clueless at all! It sounds like you are doing an amazing job. You are clearly a very caring and loving Mum to be so worried about this.

First of all, you are not doing ANYTHING wrong.

I’m not sure who told you that you need to put your baby down to sleep, but they were wrong. It is perfectly natural for your baby to only sleep on you.

They are so tiny and vulnerable. For baby, you are their whole world. Without you, they will certainly die. So of course they wake up the second we put them down, it is a survival mechanism on the most basic level.

For some mad reason, we as mums have it rammed down our throat that we MUST put baby down to sleep or they will never sleep alone, will never settle, will grow an extra head, etc.

It’s bullshit.

Have you tried a sling? I had one and it was honestly a life saver. Baby slept good as Gold and I could get on with my day.

Baby is six months old now and sleeps without issue in his cot for all naps and throughout the night without wake ups. I didn’t do anything to make this happen - one day he just got fed up of being held and wriggled to be put down, that was the end of it.

Please, please don’t buy into all this nonsense about baby’s being put down to sleep from a few weeks old. You can’t spoil a baby.

When I’m worried, I ask myself ‘Who makes money out of me having this worry?’ If someone can sell me a book, an app, or something that supposedly helps with a problem they have created, I don’t worry about it and just do what feels right

You are a fantastic Mummy and your baby is so lucky to have you.

Eggcellent29 Fri 04-Sep-20 12:34:30

Although I would add that I am pretty religious about wake windows - DS makes it very clear that he can’t go over two hours now! I think at that age it was about 45 mins?

p0ptart Fri 04-Sep-20 13:03:28

@CheesePleaseLoueese let's keep each other updated on progress through this thread please! And for support and encouragement 

@Eggcellent29 thank you for your nice words. I know I don't have to put DD down, and I do enjoy the snuggles - to a degree. But sometimes I just want to do some cleaning, or god forbid, spend 10 mins doing something for myself, and I just can't at the moment. So I WANT her to be able to nap independently. I use the sling very liberally, out for walks and in the house, but not easy to empty dishwasher etc. with it on!

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p0ptart Fri 04-Sep-20 13:05:24

@Bobble011019 we breastfeed exclusively but I've zero judgment for the bottle! We tried formula for the pre-bed feed a couple of weeks ago, hoping she'd stay down for longer, but didn't work. I'll try again!

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Lalala13 Sat 05-Sep-20 12:00:20

Hi, I just had to join as I’ve currently got a 20 week old baby attached to me napping, as soon as I put her down, her eyes are wide open! I’m also BF every 2 hours, I’ve started following so many sleep gurus on Instagram, but I still can’t get into a routine! She didn’t like her Moses basket, and not even that keen on her next to me... only me and my nipple will do at the moment!

p0ptart Sat 05-Sep-20 17:54:29

@Lalala13 sorry to hear that sad my older one was like that until she was two!

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BluebellsGreenbells Sat 05-Sep-20 17:57:26

If it happens every time you lie them flat, it’s caused by a muscle at the top of the stomach not closing properly - this sorts it’s self out by 6 months

So every time you lay them flat they get acid heartburn and cry. Hence they sleep on you ok, or in the car seat fine.

To stop this you need to raise the cot at one end, use a towel under the mattress. Prop them up for a nappy change in a pillow, never lie them flat.

Works a treat.

Lalala13 Sat 05-Sep-20 18:43:35

@BluebellsGreenbells I have a next to me which I have raised at 1 end, but I’ll try a towel, I had to do that in her pram, she sits up, hates laying anywhere flat!

p0ptart Sun 06-Sep-20 22:51:06

@BluebellsGreenbells thank you will try this. This didn't work for my older one, who had reflux, but might just on this one! 🤞🏼

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Lalala13 Mon 07-Sep-20 11:17:17

I’ve done this and the last 2 nights she has slept for 5 hours straight! 😇

BluebellsGreenbells Wed 09-Sep-20 17:18:29

How did it go OP?

p0ptart Fri 18-Sep-20 15:29:41

It didn't work sad this baby will not play ball!

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