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Hubby goes back to work, when can I sleep!

(38 Posts)
tollyfeeder Tue 25-Feb-20 08:47:39

Our baby girl is 13 days old.
She hasn’t yet spent a night in her Moses basket or next to me crib. She hates being put down.

She will settle if being held and will now also settle for a nap in her bouncy chair.

Whilst hubby has been off of work we have developed a schedule for us both to sleep, one of us stays up with the baby whilst the other sleeps.

I’m breastfeeding so my sleep is usually broken but I at least am getting some.

However, hubby is going back to work tomorrow which means I can no longer expect him to stay up with the baby.

I really don’t know what I’m going to do or when I will be able to sleep sad

People have suggested co sleeping but it’s not something I feel comfortable with.

I have been trying to get her to settle in either of her cribs but so far nothing has worked.

I’m feeling quite anxious about it as I genuinely can’t see how I’m going to be able to go to sleep.

RedSheep73 Tue 25-Feb-20 08:51:25

It's scary isn't it. Don't expect to be able to get a solid night any time soon, but do start getting her used to sleeping in the dark, whether that's in cot or basket or in your bed (I swore I wouldn't but my dd would only sleep that way at that age). We found that having me and baby in one room and dh in another worked best, at least one of us got some sleep.

munchymoo Tue 25-Feb-20 08:51:54

Your husband should still be expected to do some of the night - one parent shouldn’t shoulder the entire burden of sleep deprivation. You’re working too- spending all day looking after a small baby!!

B1rdinthebush Tue 25-Feb-20 08:56:21

Agree that your husband isn't automatically entitled to a full nights sleep because he's going back to work. When my twins were tiny, I would go to sleep early (say 8pm ish) and my husband would do the midnight feed/shift. He'd then sleep midnight to 6:30am and get up for work. It wasn't ideal for either of us as we were both permanently knackered but it was the best we could do in those early days. Hold on in there, it will get better!

SnuggyBuggy Tue 25-Feb-20 08:58:18

You may not be comfortable with Co sleeping but I'd read up on it just in case. A lot of people end up doing it by accident or out of desperation and it's best to know how to reduce risks.

Beamur Tue 25-Feb-20 09:00:00

You will find a way, but I'm afraid you will also be very tired for a while.
I used to nap with the baby. If you can do this while your husband is working you could do it safely in a double bed. Put a bolster or bed guard on one side and make sure your covers don't go over the baby. You can be near enough for baby to hear and smell you.
If you're worried about rolling, put a pillow between you.
It will get easier but the first few weeks can be quite tough.
Congratulations on your new baby.

Beamur Tue 25-Feb-20 09:02:12

Good advice about to read up on co-sleeping. Even if you don't intend to, following the guidelines would make it safer if you accidentally doze off.

Mangoandlimes Tue 25-Feb-20 09:04:19

Make sure you sleep in between feeds at nighttime, your husband should still do some (really half) of the nighttime. And then also in the day when the baby sleeps (I used to be terrible at napping but you'll be so knackered you should be able to).

Lunafortheloveogod Tue 25-Feb-20 09:04:35

What time does he get up/go to bed/get home?

You could still do a 6-12 switch or there abouts to let you get a good few hours obviously what time he’s out n back n in his bed for (unless he goes to bed at 7pm to 7am n then he can stay up longer obviously).

Try even getting her used to napping in her basket/chair/anywhere that’s not being held during the day as much as you can. I co slept for day time naps (much lighter sleep so I felt ok doing it) so I could at least get a few hours during the day. It won’t last forever but you’ll find a way round it.

Mangoandlimes Tue 25-Feb-20 09:05:09

I personally would never cosleep, simply as if never forgive myself if something were to happen, but I know there are mixed views on it

Hollyboba Tue 25-Feb-20 09:05:50

You need to get her sleeping alone. She will cry but it will save your sanity for the next 6 months if you get it don't over the next few weeks.

DorotheaHomeAlone Tue 25-Feb-20 09:07:40

Try not to panic. Things can change quite quickly at this stage. Just keep trying her in the cot. One day she’ll surprise you and settle. I agree with pp who said you’d husband shouldn’t get out of all night work just because he’s working outside of home. You are working too and need sleep to function. For now he should do the early shift say 8-12 while you sleep and then you keep trying to get her into the cot from 12-6am. If it’s been a tough night he can then let you have another hour or so in the morning before he leaves. Then you both catch up at the weekend as much as possible (but mostly you). This too shall pass.

SallyLovesCheese Tue 25-Feb-20 09:08:22

He can definitely look after her 6pm-midnight, except for feeds! Yes, he'll be tired, but unless he's operating heavy machinery or doing brain surgery there's no reason why he can't be tired too. That's what being a parent is like!

ItWillBeBetterInAugust Tue 25-Feb-20 09:10:00

What hours does he work?

Talk to him. You can work something out.

For example he comes home at 6pm, gets changed into something comfortable and makes you both a snack tea and a drink, you take it in turns holding the baby while you eat and chat, then you go to bed at 7pm and sleep until 1am, then you get up, take the baby and he goes to bed and sleeps until 7am - you each get 6 hours in bed. Obviously if he can get away with getting up any later so much the better.

It's not for long, just a few months, and you can make it work unless it's absolutely unavoidable that he's out of the house 16 hours per day.

Don't do what I did and do it all yourself as it does break you somewhat and I ended up using sugar instead of sleep, functioning on a couple of hours sleep for an extended period is harmful and silly if you have someone to share the load. Going back to work doesn't make his sleep sacred unless he operates heavy machinery or performs surgery, or drives long distance for a living.

KathMM Tue 25-Feb-20 09:13:08

When you say you're baby girl won't settle, is she getting upset or is she not sleeping/waking very regularly?

My DS is now 5 months old, and we have had some challenging times with sleep, but I do find that if I persevere with what I think will work best for both of us, it passes within a couple of days and he gets back into some sort of routine.

What worked for him in the earlier days was using a white noise app, and I would play womb sounds to help him drift off, then as he slept.

Baby massage also worked well to really relax him in the evening.

You could also try putting something next to her that smells of you, and then removing it once she drifts off.

Things will get better!

Gamble66 Tue 25-Feb-20 09:15:46

Co sleeping - its a no brainer as long as you are not on any drugs and refrain from alcohol xxx

Howmanysleepsnow Tue 25-Feb-20 09:19:19

What happens if you put her in her Moses basket when she’s asleep? Does she wake instantly?

JimandWilson Tue 25-Feb-20 09:22:43

You may find it easier when your DH has gone back to work in some ways, it sort of forces a routine.

When our first was that small, when DH walked in, he would take the baby and I would sleep immediately (conk our) for a couple of hours, then we'd have a quick dinner together (ready meals are useful at this time in life!) and I'd take the baby whilst he had a bath/ sorted things for the next day. We'd both try and get into bed around 10/11 and do our best overnight, taking it in turns to rock / wind /settle etc and then get up at 7. DH would nap in his lunch hour in his car, and sometimes have 20 minutes in the car after work too before setting off to come home.

You are still very very early days yet and being kind to yourself is paramount. A co-sleeping crib might end up being your saviour as you can sleep with your hand on baby, and that might be all they need to settle and stay asleep.

You'll crack it, you have strengths you didn't know existed!

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo Tue 25-Feb-20 09:25:53

The sleep deprivation in those early days is a killer. I always think the first 6 weeks is literally just about survival.

I think you’ll have to schedule it so DH sleeps early evening (as babies tend to cluster feed until 10pm, so you’ll need to be with her) until eg 1am, then you sleep 1-6 for example.

Can I ask what your concerns are about co-sleeping? Not meaning to put pressure on you, but in all honesty most mums do it, but don’t admit it for fear of getting a lecture against it.

As others have said, it’s much safer to look up safe co-sleeping and plan accordingly than to accidentally falling asleep on the sofa with her.

If it reassures you: Co-sleeping is the norm in many other European countries with much lower SIDS/suffocation deaths than the UKs. Providing baby wasn’t premature, you are exclusively breastfeeding, not under the influence of alcohol/drugs, not a smoker and on a firm mattress, no duvet; it is absolutely safe. What isn’t made clear in the tragic cases that make it into the press and isn’t accounted for in many NHS guidelines-is that the parents fell asleep on a sofa, under duvets, were smokers or formula fed.

Continued exclusive breastfeeding is much more protective against SIDS than the risk of co-sleeping. Sadly many breastfeeding women are advised against co-sleeping, so end up introducing formula as their only way to cope with the torture of sleep deprivation. In countries where co-sleeping is the norm, their rates of exclusive breastfeeding are also much higher.

Mylittlepony374 Tue 25-Feb-20 09:26:37

Co-sleeping as others said. And shifts...my husband used to come in from work &have a shower then I'd go to bed 6pmish to midnight. He would wake me to feed her if necessary then take her out again. I'd take midnight onwards. And nap whenever she did during the day.
It's fucking hard but you will get through it. I genuinely thought I'd die of sleep deprivation at a few points. But I didn't, and it was so worth it that I had a second. ..
Take whatever help you can get and sleep whenever you have a chance x

tollyfeeder Tue 25-Feb-20 09:26:45

@KathMM she sleeps lovely when she’s being held, or even in her bouncer now (but I would leave her in there too long)

But when she’s put down in her Moses basket or next to me crib she screams and becomes very upset.

tollyfeeder Tue 25-Feb-20 09:27:43

@Howmanysleepsnow as soon as she realises she’s in there she cries and gets really upset.

ItWillBeBetterInAugust Tue 25-Feb-20 09:27:48

Do also think about whether she might have reflux - that was the reason one of mine couldn't be put down flat - it's actually painful for them. If you think it might be reflux it can be treated and you can very slightly raise the head end of the mattress to help (not a pillow - a little folded cot blanket under the mattress). Ask your midwife or health visitor.

kellymom.com/mother2mother/m2m-reflux/

tollyfeeder Tue 25-Feb-20 09:30:05

@AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo I guess my concerns are me forgetting she’s there or rolling onto her. I don’t think I’d be able to settle.

ItWillBeBetterInAugust Tue 25-Feb-20 09:30:34

You can also look into swaddling and conversely into trying the big cot. Mine all absolutely hated the Moses basket and not one of them slept well in it, but two out of three slept fairly well in the full size cot. They used to hit their hands on the sides of the Moses basket and wake themselves back up if we put them down sleeping.

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