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I can't do this anymore

(39 Posts)
Amelia910 Fri 08-Nov-19 02:32:32

Baby is 14 weeks. Was sleeping 21:00-07:30 with a dream feed @ 23:00.

Now wakes at 02:00, 04,00 and 07:00 for food and has been for the past two weeks. I'm at the end of my tether I just can't do it anymore what an I doing wrong??!?

He wasn't a planned baby and in the night I am having some awful thoughts- I really love him but hate my life now

Amelia910 Fri 08-Nov-19 02:37:33

More info

First baby. Is formula fed. Have a partner who helps but works full time. No family or friend support.

He has five naps of 30 min-45 min during the day but takes me at least 20 mins of rocking or pushing in pram to get him to nap. This became a thing a month ago. He has a bath a 06:30pm then have him downstairs in pram with dimmed lights etc and he sleeps 19:00-20:00 then at 20:30/21:00 I take him upstairs for the night (and stay with him)

EmMcK Fri 08-Nov-19 02:39:16

Firstly, we all have those awful thoughts when we are sleep deprived. You are not alone in that and it doesn't make you a bad mother, just a tired and exhausted one.
Does the baby take a bottle? Is there anyone who could take over one of those middle of the night feeds for you?

maternity123qwe Fri 08-Nov-19 03:22:26

Hey Op, firstly you’re not doing anything wrong at all... it’s the four month sleep regression and it’s a killer but it does pass.
(Until the next one at 9 months 🙈😂)
They lure you into a false sense of security by sleeping well then they chuck sleep regression at you.
My first was the same... it does get better though... it lasted a few weeks with my first and then he was back to normal again.
My second is approaching 10 weeks so I know it’s just around the corner.
If you google sleep regression it will give you more info on it...

maternity123qwe Fri 08-Nov-19 03:24:15

www.nestedbean.com/blogs/zen-blog/4-month-sleep-regression

I know it doesn’t help with the lack of sleep now, but it does get better... you’ve got to hold that in your mind to get you through

Junobug Fri 08-Nov-19 03:24:25

Firstly, you're not doing anything wrong. You are doing an amazing job and he is just doing what normal babies do but unfortunately we live in a culture that doesn't tell new mums the truth or support them.
The first 6 months with your first baby is hell but you will survive and it will be ok.
Are you sleeping in the day?
You need to tell your partner how you feel and get more support even if it's just a few really early nights or him doing the weekend nights.
Are you going to baby groups? I found it invaluable getting out most days and just offloading to others who have been through the same. Motherhood is a really lonely time when you have a tiny baby that gives nothing back.
And if you're really struggling there is no shame in telling the hv or gp.

onetimeonlyy Fri 08-Nov-19 03:30:54

Eee eek sorry op but I think two night wake ups (the 7am is morning I'd say) sounds amazing! I have a 10 month old and we are on wake up number 7 now!!

I know lots of babies have a 4 month regression. Try and get help where you can it's tough 😢

Babybluesornormal Fri 08-Nov-19 03:37:42

Sorry to say it but it sounds pretty good to me. You are already getting 5 hours sold sleep from 9 until 2. If I was you I would get DP to do the 9 feed and go to bed earlier than baby.

It’s rare for babies to sleep through at all and extremely rare for it to continue. The good news is baby sleep is always changing.

turnthebiglightoff Fri 08-Nov-19 03:39:44

Hi OP!

Firstly: you can do this. I've a 6 month old and I've felt like you on more than one occasion! You can do it. You will and it will get better.

Secondly; honest to god for the regression those wake ups sound amazing! My little one woke at least once an hour during the regression. Then for a couple of weeks woke every night 2am until 5am and got up as usual at 7.

He now wakes at 11, 3 and is up for the day at 6.30. I'm really happy with that!!!

You'll be fine. It's all normal.

BB081 Fri 08-Nov-19 03:47:09

I really feel for you. The idea of not having family or friend support terrifies me, honestly it’s how I got through the first couple months of my babies life and how I continue to get through, so big respect to you for really doing it alone!

Babies are intense and it gets ridiculously frustrating, especially when sleep deprivation kicks in. My baby was planned, but wow, a lot harder than I could ever imagine and there have been a few time’s where I’ve been at my lowest and thought ‘omg, what have I done?!’ And dream of what my life was like before. I’ve broke down crying on several occasions too.

I know at this point you will feel as though you can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, but it will happen, just stick in (sorry, I used to hate it when people said this to me too, but it’s true). You’ve got to be selfish and force a routine on a baby. Babies love routine, people seem to think the later you put a baby to bed the later they’ll wake in the morning. My baby sleeps 7pm until 6:30/7ish in the morning. I don’t like missing my sleep and don’t mess around when it comes to my sleep!

We bath our daughter at 6:30, feed her and have her down in her own dark, quiet room by 7 (which I would be considered a dreadful mother for having her in her own cot before 6 month). I fill her up with her bottle all through the day and her last feed at night (I’ve stopped her snacking as that was initially part of the problem) and if I do feed her in the night, I only have the night light on, feed her, put her down and leave the room. She knows that when it’s dark it’s bed time, not playtime, not awake time etc.

Some may consider me harsh, but hey, my husband and I are getting a full nights sleep, baby is, and we all wake up happier and better off for it.

Try to make your babies feeds last longer in between, then your baby will take more milk. My baby was feeding every 2 hours and I couldn’t get anything done, I started to make her wait 3 hours. Took a bit of pacifying for that extra hour, but I was getting more milk down her neck as she was hungry, therefore she was lasting longer, therefore only getting up once in the night or sleeping through! (Apparently the more milk they get in the day the more settled they are in the night, and for me this has been the case!)

Sorry for the huge paragraph, I just really wanted to help/ give advice in anyway that I could. No one tells you really how hard it is, or if they do you kind of just brush it off- I was naive and got a HUGE shock. Take care of yourself, there a parenting groups you can attend for support, speak to your health visitor or doctor, just don’t be alone as it can be a very lonely place.

HarryHarry Fri 08-Nov-19 03:47:12

That sounds normal to me! (I have 2 babies - an 18 month old and a 1 month old). I know sleep deprivation can have a terrible effect on your physical and mental wellbeing but remember it doesn’t last forever so just take it one day at a time. (Your baby might still wake up in the night when they’re older but eventually they won’t need to be fed to go back to sleep, so it will become much less disruptive for you). In a few months you’ll look back on this time and be amazed at how quickly it passed. Hang in there!

coralisland Fri 08-Nov-19 04:16:13

Sorry to hammer the point home, but it sounds pretty normal to me too. My DD lulled us into a false sense of security by sleeping through from an early age and the one day decided she'd had enough and started waking through the night

Since your DC is bottle fed, could your partner do the 2am feed? Then you're getting a nice chunk of sleep in? He may work full time but that shouldn't stop him helping through the night!

JustaScratch Fri 08-Nov-19 04:40:25

I can so empathise,OP. DD was a terrible sleeper and I remember many nights of thinking, "I just can't do this". But you know what? I did, and so can you. Get as much help as you can, lower your expectations (temporarily) in other parts of your life and know that THIS WILL PASS.

mawof3soontobe Fri 08-Nov-19 04:54:23

Currently on wake up number six with my 18wk old! Who only sleeps for 20mins exactly during the day by being swaddled and bounced in a bouncy chair! We are hitting every 1hr 40mins at night

lifesnotaspectatorsport Fri 08-Nov-19 04:59:06

Non-mumsnetty hugs for you, the first sleep regression is so tough! It does get better.

Practical suggestions:
- Do you have a schedule for baby? There's tons on the Internet, just google. I followed a rough EASY (eat, activity - basically just being awake at this age - sleep, YOU TIME). Try not to let them always feed to sleep as this can create a dependency.
- Sounds like you're working too hard for the naps, maybe try 4 instead? A short first one - wake after 30 mins, then try to extend the lunchtime one to 1-2 hours. Useful break for you!
- Tell your partner he's doing all the night feeds on at least one night of the weekend so you get a proper sleep
- Agree with PP, get him to do the 9pm one too and go to bed earlier if you're shattered.

Good luckthanks

Bickles Fri 08-Nov-19 05:02:49

It’s the weekend tonight. Your DH can be on night duty Friday and Saturday as you’re FF (well done!). 2 full nights sleep for you and you’ll feel loads better.
flowers

HayleyHaystack Fri 08-Nov-19 05:07:33

I’m actually jealous of you! My 16 weeker is DREADFUL at sleep, day and night. In the day his naps take me an hour (or just over) to achieve. The nap will then last 30 min. I can manage this twice a day before I want to throw myself out of the window.
At night it takes around 3 hours to get him to sleep and then we are up every 60-90 min.
He used to be brilliant up to 12 weeks and now it’s shot to sh!t.
I’m getting a professional in before I end up divorced.

Amelia910 Fri 08-Nov-19 06:36:12

Hi all thank you for your replies

I think what I am struggling with is the fact he has such short naps in the day means I can't nap which means I'm getting about 5 hours of broken sleep a night for the past two weeks and the lack of family support means all the washing, cleaning, appointments, shopping, cooking and everything else as well as looking after him with no sleep is what's getting to me.

He also screams the house down most days when I am trying to get him to nap. Yesterday he was screaming for 90 minutes before his morning nap and with my partner at work it feels very hard and upsetting. And because he is now like this it makes me scared to leave the house with him alone.

I don't feel like I can ask my partner for more help as he works so hard and is tired too. I might ask him to so the feeds tomorrow night for a break.

I know millions of women cope with this everyday without support so I feel like I should be coping but I'm not

Amelia910 Fri 08-Nov-19 06:39:12

Again thank you for all the replies the practical suggestions are really helpful as well as knowing it's not just me who has a baby who won't nap i. The day-I thought I was doing something awfully wrong!

Amelia910 Fri 08-Nov-19 06:45:09

Also to clear up confusion he isn't sleeping through 9-2 as I am feeding him at 11 whilst he is asleep (I did say this in original post as a dream feed) so I'm not getting to sleep until almost midnight

Cantchooseaname Fri 08-Nov-19 06:49:51

Just do what you can to get through this week.
Buy some ready meals/ easy food.
Clean toilet and kitchen work tops.
Online shop.
Every short cut you can.
This week d you need a chunk of sleep to protect your mental health. Husband gets whole night tonight, you get tomorrow.
If napping is a pain- can you get him off in car/ push chair/ sling?
Genuinely- don’t worry about rods for back, future etc- just get to a better place.
The hardest part is admitting you are struggling.
As to women do it every day- yes they do, but a quick google/ search shows just how many of us also find it hard.

Take care.

mawof3soontobe Fri 08-Nov-19 06:59:48

I meant to say, download the huckleberry app!!!! You track sleep on it and it predicts a sweet spot to start putting baby down for a nap, my god it's so accurate! Wish I knew about it for my first two

Newmumma83 Fri 08-Nov-19 07:15:47

Op your feelings are valid it’s blood hard ...my little guy never slept for very long out of arms for the first 3 months
One reason silent reflux and wind.

Have you tried using infracol ? It helps them bring more wind up which reduces the back and tummy pain from wind ... he used to have acid bubble up ( you can smell it is acid ) that was helped with infracol ( as wind makes it worse ) and gripe water ..( gripe water actually may be from
3 months but you can use infracol from
Birth )

It may not be but simple things to try .. as once the wind started coming out in burps the settling got better ... I didn’t try any if this for about 3 months

I did have blessing of parents coming and holding the baby while I slept once a week

Also husband slept in a spare room for work but wld look after baby say 7pm - 10pm while I had a bath and a few hours sleep ... honestly made a world of difference then on the days he worked from
Home he would get up at 5 am and hold baby until 8am ..if Not at least I had the night.
Have you tried anything like this ?

It’s so hard these early days but you are doing an amazing job and it get lots easier over time

turnthebiglightoff Fri 08-Nov-19 07:34:02

Mine only naps for 20-30 mins too. I - honestly - have had 2 naps during the day since he was born.

You just find a way! If you go to bed at 9 you would get another 2 hours, so 7 hours of sleep (albeit broken).

Good luck OP. You'll feel better about the sleep soon, the other stuff is a conversation between you and your partner.

turnthebiglightoff Fri 08-Nov-19 07:37:17

Also - if your baby is bottle fed, why doesn't your partner do the 11pm feed?

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