20 month old still doesn't sleep through night, at wits end

[MyBabyBoyBlue]

My 20 month old as always been a terrible sleeper,we have had a handful of nights where he has slept through since moving into his own room six months ago, but no more than a couple of weeks and always sporadic. He has a bedtime routine of bath, milk and story then cuddle and into his cot. Without fail he is up within half an hour, crying for a couple of hours. I go in and soothe him after a couple of minutes and generally have to do that upwards of ten times until eventually I give in and stay with him to go to sleep. He will sleep for a couple of hours and then he is up again usually around 1am and it's the same story again for 3 or 4 hours until he falls asleep again. Then he starts his day at 6 no matter how little he has slept. We have tried everything, read every article we can find and nothing works. I cannot cope with the lack of sleep and trying to work full time and manage all the nursery drop offs and picks ups. I dont know what to do.

[LadyBrienneofTarth]

Could he be hungry? What time is his dinner / supper and how much is he eating ?

[SunshineSpring]

I'd go (and did go) with maximising sleep for you.
Rather than soothing and then leaving, what happens if you stay with him until he resettled, rather than soothing and leave numerous times? I had a big roll of spare duvets and blankets in DS's bedroom, and could unroll it to make a "bed" on his floor so I could doze while he settled.
And if he is waking within 30 mins of going to sleep, what happens if you are still in his room at that point??

FWIW, I dont believe my 10 yr old, who was a none sleeping baby, sleeps through the night now. He just knows he has to stay quiet until a reasonable time.
I however, have long lasting sleep issues, hence being on MN at 5 in the morning (I'm not in the UK)

[AllTheProsecco]

We thought our 21 month old had been sleeping through for the first time ever this week... turns out she's worked out how to help herself to the milk we'd left in her room for her usual 28475 wake ups.

She has a floor bed so when she needs us we can climb in with her as it's a small double. Most nights one of us ends up staying with her for a cuddle but it means we get sleep as well as she often wakes every time we try to leave. Until this week where she hasn't been shouting for us until 5am ish which is a massive change.

[MyBabyBoyBlue]

Thank you for the replies - the being hungry is a good thought actually, he has his dinner reasonably close to bed and then a full bottle of milk with story time just before he goes down but he is generally a hungry boy so maybe leaving him with something to help himself to in the night would be a good help. He understands when I go in and help him lie back down and tell him its bedtime and that means it's time to sleep, but as soon as I take my hand away from stroking his hair or back he flips out again.

[Watchingthetelly]

I'd recommend buying the Dr Ferber book to get some insight. Controlled crying might work.

(Awaits comments accusing me of recommending child abuse)

[Cyw2018]

Can you get rid of his cot and put a full size (single or double) on the floor so that you can cuddle up and get some sleep yourself.

I still bedshare with DD (15 months) but also have mattress on the floor which I am starting to get her used to ready for when her room is ready (it is accessed by ladder/hatch, so not suitable just yet).

[bonzo77]

Please don’t let them help themselves to milk or other food / drink in the night you’re setting them up for serious dental problems.

[LadyBrienneofTarth]

I wouldn't leave food in the room - he's not old enough to eat unsupervised plus as pp said that sets up very poor dental hygiene not to mention setting up unhealthy eating habits

If hungry You need to increase his food during the day

What is he eating typically during the day and at what times ?

[MyBabyBoyBlue]

Yes, on actually thinking about it i wouldnt want to leave anything in the room that he could help himself to as it would be a choking risk. He eats well during the day - milk and toast or cereal or porridge with fruit for breakfast, banana as a mid morning snack, then for lunch it will be beans on toast or something like spinach/sweetcorn fritters or vegetable risotto (during the week it he eats at nursery so will be their weekly rotation), then he has an afternoon snack after his afternoon nap and then dinner he will have vegetable pasta or broccoli cheese omelette or fish fingers with steamed vegetables etc. He has a bottle of milk before bed too. Thinking about it I dont think hunger is the problem...I dont know what the problem is. He doesn't seem to be teething at the moment.

[rhowton]

Try controlled crying! At 20 months, they're so manipulative! We follow quite a strict routine with sleep and have done since 8 months, when I was finally at my wits end and did controlled crying!!
DD is now 20 months and sleeps 12-2pm without fail in her own bed, and 6am-6pm. Controlled crying isn't for everyone but my sleep is important, as is my mental health, and 4 nights of crying is hardly going to impact her for the rest of her life....

[RaptorWhiskers]

I put a double mattress on my DS’s bedroom floor and I cosleep with him. Every night I try and fail repeatedly to make him sleep in his cot, until it gets to about midnight and I’m too tired to care any more, so I give up and just lie on the mattress with him.

I don’t get to sleep with my husband or have any privacy or adult time. I don’t get to be comfortable in bed or sleep through. But I do get SOME sleep which to be honest is my only priority because I was on the verge of a breakdown.

[grumpypug]

All my DCs have been rubbish sleepers (despite a good bedtime routine). They eventually started sleeping through properly once school age. One thing that did make a difference though was bringing bedtime forward by 1/2 hour. My youngest DC used to wake between 1/2 hour and hour after going to bed. Once I brought bedtime forward, he didn't wake until around midnight so got a good few hours in one go.

[managedmis]

I'd be trying controlled crying. Dd was 14 months and I was broken, after 3 nights she was sleeping through. God knows how you feel at 20!

[WeShouldOpenABar]

Move the pre bed bottle back a bit, I don't know if it's true but I read you don't want to start them metabolising something so close to wanting them to shut down. Might be nothing but it worked for us, routine is now bottle bath stories bed.
Now I just need to sort the early waking

[Halo84]

Have you tried a long walk before bed? Mine had a long walk, a snack, then bath, story, and bed. I think the fresh air helped them sleep.

[DoingItForTheKids]

Nothing boils my piss more than babies being called 'manipulative' at 20 months they don't have the developmental capacity to be manipulative. It's impossible.

Do what you need too to get sleep but don't believe your kid is manipulating you. They are just a baby still. They need something and it's just hard for them to communicate what that is.

Resting near them, bringing the bottle forward etc. All good ideas. My daughter was a nightmare sleeper and in the end we put a double mattress on the floor and that's what worked for us. If she woke up I could lay with her (and doze if needed!) and it saved my sanity of getting up loads. We started that at about a year and, apart from usual illness and developmental blips, she sleeps though on her own in her own bed and has done since then. She's now 3. From 2 we got her in her own single bed now as she wakes so little.

Have a look at Sarah Ockwell-Smiths gentle sleep stuff. It's great.

[Csleeptime]

Same situation as Raptor. It's tough going, but some sleeo is better than none, although he still wakes all the time even with me right there all night.

With our first who did sleep we hit this phase too. We brought bedtime forward and that cured the 30 min waking. I would also not keep leaving, stay so they get the feeling if security. You can then gradually move further away from the cot towards the door until you are out of the room when awake.

Good luck

[LadyBrienneofTarth]

Another thing you'd might look at is increasing the amount of protein he is eating - from what you list, there's not much protein in his diet - try increasing protein at lunch as well as dinner

Also The Richard Ferber book literally saved my sanity at a similar age - it may be for you

I slept next to my sons bed for the first two years of his life - you're not alone