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Gradual withdrawal

(13 Posts)
Billi77 Wed 06-Dec-17 20:26:43

So, to summarise, one does the following, right?

First 3 days: sit by DC, hold their hand, pat their back, whatever is takes for around 45 minutes.
Next 3 days: sit at foot of bed/ away from cot and speak to them soothingly, maybe chuck in a mantra. At this point it's taking less than 45 minutes
Last 3 days: stand by the door with your mantra, no contact, which doesn't matter because they're now falling asleep within minutes.

So I'm on day 11 and the minute I stop holding my 18mo DDs hand (who sucks her thumb) she cries or thinks it's all a fun game. We basically haven't gone past the first 3 days stage and it's taking longer to get her to sleep every night. Should I give up?

We co-sleep and there's no DH around. She sleeps 8-8, naps 1-2.30 and I can't think of other vital stats.

What am I doing wrong?

FATEdestiny Wed 06-Dec-17 21:43:04

Gradual withdrawal in two weeks?

That's where you've gone wrong. It's gradual. Your expectations should be in terms if months and not days.

Cosleeping to independent cot sleeping without any (much?) crying - I'd say 6 months average.

Billi77 Wed 06-Dec-17 22:04:20

The goal isn't cot sleeping as such, although I am getting her a bed for Christmas.

The goal is not to spend up to an hour sending her to sleep every night.

She goes down in 5 minutes for naps or when she's knackered/missed her day nap, so I know she can do it.

Billi77 Wed 06-Dec-17 22:04:56

Months you say? shock

SleveMcDichael Wed 06-Dec-17 22:52:40

With DD it took about six weeks of sitting quietly by the cot to get from 45 minutes crying to about 15 minutes and sometimes a bit of whinging sometimes nothing. (We had to do this once feeding to sleep stopped working - couldn't get her from boob to cot without waking her.) So there was nothing gradual about the first stage, but it still took several weeks to get her settling better. I haven't started retreating any further yet! But I think you need to wait for each stage to 'take' before you move on. How long that takes will depend on your child...

Billi77 Wed 06-Dec-17 23:30:13

Getting down to 15 minutes would be amazing! The mind does funny things sometimes sitting starving in the dark silence for an hour sssssh-ing...

HappyHippyHippo Thu 07-Dec-17 09:36:14

Agree with those who say it takes bloomin ages.
I can't remember exact timings as dc1 is now 5. I reckon it was a couple of months at least before we were out the door and sitting in the hallway. Then she'd get ill, need extra cuddles, and we'd have to partially start over. Memorably infuriating phase of parenting.

But it definitely worked. At 7.5 months, bedtime was a protracted affair every night. I remember that when we stayed with relatives just before her first birthday they couldn't stop talking about how quickly/quietly/easily she went to bed smile

crazycatlady5 Thu 07-Dec-17 23:52:11

How did you get her to sleep before gradual retreat? Was that no longer working?

Billi77 Fri 08-Dec-17 00:43:44

By holding her hand in a dark room, much like I'm still doing now

FATEdestiny Fri 08-Dec-17 18:38:30

So I'm on day 11 and the minute I stop holding my 18mo DDs hand (who sucks her thumb) she cries or thinks it's all a fun game.

Is the hand holding to stop her sucking her thumb? To help her suck her thumb? Or do you hold the other hand to the one she socks?

Has you holding her hand always resulted in her crying and messing around? Or is this a new thing. Why do you do this as a comforting mechanism if it's never worked to get her to sleep?

Billi77 Fri 08-Dec-17 22:59:40

Hello. No I hold one and sucks the other. Thumb sucking sends her to sleep and pacifies her. Basically does exactly what a dummy does. The hand holding usually means thumb goes straight in. As useful as it is frustrating.
When I let go that's when troubles start...

FATEdestiny Sat 09-Dec-17 13:38:57

The first part (and usually the longest) is to provide all the comfort baby needs without any suggestion of any withdrawal.

That means that you (and baby) shouldn't even know what happens when you let go of the hand. You just stay there until in a deep sleep and go straight back upon any stirring awake.

Initially you have you develop trust. Trust that the level of comfort given will at all time be enough to cause no upset. Once that trust becomes established, then the settling time reduces (because there's no battle to keep you holding baby's hand). Only at that point do you start thinking about withdrawal

Billi77 Sat 09-Dec-17 17:59:25

Thank you for this.

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