Cry it out

[FannyTheFlamingo]

Please can someone talk to me about the 'Cry it out' method? I am at my wits end. My relationship is falling apart and I'm so tired I can't see straight. I've tried everything, but my 1 yr old refuses to sleep anywhere but in my arms. Last night she didn't go to sleep till 10.30pm after screaming for 2 hours. She used to self settle in her cot up until about 10 months, and now if I as much as show her the cot she goes berserk and if I say the word 'bed' she starts crying. I know there's a few people on here that give really good advice, so I'm hoping someone can help!

[venys]

Co sleep. Cry it out is awful for everyone.

[FannyTheFlamingo]

I mean controlled crying not crying it out. I've just educated myself on the difference. I can't co sleep anymore, it's not an option.

[flumpybear]

My HV told me to let her cry for 30 seconds and go settle her, next tine leave it a minute and settle again, keep this up, increasing by 30 seconds each time ... worked for us

[PineappleScrunchie]

Another option is “gradual retreat”. I’ve done both that and cc and prefer gradual retreat because it felt like less of an abrupt change. There was still crying (because they want to be cuddled/fed not in the cot) but sleep improved dramatically from the first night.

[FannyTheFlamingo]

Thank you for the replies. My HV has suggested gradual retreat, but DD refuses to lie down in the cot, so I'm just gradually retreating from a screaming baby! That's why I think controlled crying is the only option left.

[VodkaRevelation]

Try the No Cry Sleep solution book. It is a more gentle approach. You read the book, fill in the table a lot hot child's sleeping habits and issues and then there are a selection of techniques to choose from- you're guided towards the ones most suited to your situation. When my eldest was under 1 we used this and it worked well. Had to commit to it for a good week but it worked.

[VodkaRevelation]

*about, not a lot hot!!

[InDubiousBattle]

When you say 1 is she 13 months or nearer 2?
What are her naps like? How does she nap (buggy, in your arms etc)?
If nearer 13 months now does she eat? Does she still have milk in the night?
Does she have a dummy?

Sorry for the barrage of questons but doing cc with a bf, Co sleeping, napping on you, non night weaned 13 month old woukd, imho be different to a semi co sleeping, night weaned 20 month old who takes a dummy IYSWIM?

[InDubiousBattle]

Another question (sorry!)- will you have the full support of your partner? If you make a plan on which you agree will he be fully involved?

[Crumbs1]

I used sleep training - cry it out - with all,but my first. Best thing I ever did. The eldest still,has problems settling at 25 but the others all sleep well anywhere.
It took 3/4 hard days when it was tough but by day 3/4 they were settling themselves within minutes, in their cots, in the dark. It was worth it and meant we all then slept.
I actually now think it’s unkind in the longer term not to teach children to sleep. They have exhausted parents whose relationship suffers and exhausted fractious children.
I think 9 months is about the right age any younger than 6 months is too young and they don’t get it.
I had to do it when my husband was away for babies 2 and 3 as he found it too hard and wanted to go into them. They do end up a sweaty, blotchy tear streaked mess but that’s infinitely better than a shaken baby by a mother at wits end. They don’t suffer long term damage - exactly the opposite, in fact. They learn they can cope. They develop resilience. They grow up confident and secure in their own abilities.
As I say, best thing I ever did.

[FannyTheFlamingo]

@InDubiousBattle DD has just turned 1. She has 2 naps a day approx 1-1.5hrs, always on me (although for the past 2 nights she has refused to sleep until late so she's having an extra nap at 8am after getting up at 6.30). She has 3 meals a day, a bottle before bed and hasn't had milk in the night since she was 4/5 months. She does have a dummy, but puts it back herself (when she's not throwing it out the cot while crying!) DP doesn't have much staying power with sticking to routines, so it will pretty much be all on me, but I'd rather do it all myself than argue about it as I don't have the energy. DP issues are a whole other thread!!

[WhoAteAllthePercyPigs]

That sounds awful, poor you I'm afraid I have no advice 're controlled crying, but I sympathise as DD now 2 was a very poor sleeper for a long time. She's now inbher own room sleeping thriugh so there's hope!

She also hated her cot, so we converted it to a bed and put a barrier up. That did help, think she didn't like being hemmed in. Worth a try?

Otherwise I'm afraid only co sleeping kept us sane, meant DH and i had to sleep separately but took it in turns to co sleep with DD. It's whatever keeps you sane and we both had to work! But I'm guessing from your comments that maybe you're nor getting much support from DP? With a poor sleeper you really need both of you to give support.

Gentle sleep technique meant to be good too, I'll def try that if I need to with my DS (4 weeks).

Good luck! It is torture.

[WhoAteAllthePercyPigs]

Sorry for typos, typing this after a sleepless night!

[RebeccaNoodles]

You poor thing! Honestly if you have any way of making it work financially I would use a sleep consultant. Your entire well being is at stake here so I'd invest in it. Andrea Grace uses gentle methods and won't go straight to cry it out.

Put it this way: she's crying anyway so you don't have much to lose!

[silkpyjamasallday]

My 15 month old has never been a great sleeper, we coslept until recently but even in a superking bed she was kicking and punching us all night, and like you our relationship was suffering because of lack of sleep. We tried a cot but she was having none of it, just got hysterical if we even lifted her towards it and stood shaking the bars and throwing herself around if we dared to put her in it. Cot with the side off was also rejected as was pushing it up against our bed.

I've moved her into a full sized single bed in her own room, one side against the wall with a foam barrier under the sheet on the other side to stop her rolling out. She can get in and out on her own but rarely gets out when she wakes in the night, just sits up in bed and shouts me and waits for me to come in. I have a video monitor on my bedside table so I can keep an eye on her and hear when she has woken. I lie down with her and feed or cuddle her then roll away once she is deeply asleep. Sometimes she stirs so I sit by the bed for a few minutes before I leave the room. There is nothing else in the room other than a chest of drawers so no toys to play with in the middle of the night or risks if she got out of bed silently. She is sleeping better than before, bar the last few days of teething, generally going down between 7-8 and sleeping until 1 then another waking at 5, when she was in with us from 10 months she was waking every half hour to an hour. Maybe try something like this but with a mattress on the floor if she won't be able to get in and out of a bed on her own. We also tried to introduce a comfort toy/blanket but DD had zero interest and just kept chucking them out of bed, could you sleep with a soft toy or blanket for a few nights so it smells of you then leave that in with her as well as several dummies? This gives them the feeling of cosleeping when they are drifting off but doesn't require you to stay with them all night.

[MrsKoala]

I cam on here to look at this OP.

My DD is 13mo and has only ever slept on me and wakes every 30-90mins to feed to settle herself back to sleep. She cries all day if i put her down too and i am at my wits end.

My question about CC or the gradual retreat is what if they are hysterical as soon as they are put into the cot? The premis always starts with a happy snoozy baby. But what if you can't start at that point? Do you just sit next to them while they scream and rage at you wondering why you aren't picking them up?

[FannyTheFlamingo]

Silkpyjamas - I'm so glad you've recommended this. DP and I were talking about this last night and I wasn't sure if it was a feasible option. There's a king size bed in DD's room as it was the only place to put it when we bought the super king for co sleeping, so we could definitely do it. Although what 1 yr old has their own king size?! 😂

[MrsKoala]

My 5 year old has his own kingsize and my 3 year old is about to go into his from co-sleeping in our superking!

[BertrandRussell]

Co sleep. It's the fastest way to get the most sleep for the most people, which is what you want.

[FannyTheFlamingo]

MrsKoala - I need to know too! DD is already screaming by the time she sees the cot and won't let me lie her down or soothe her, so I have no starting point for CC either

[Gannetseatfish]

I think you need to work on the naps first. Day time sleep is always a bit calmer in my experience. Bed/cot/your bed whatever but not on you anymore.

[MrsKoala]

That's it isn't it Fanny. If they are already distressed before you even put them down. how can you get them to self settle without just basically letting them cry and cry till they fall asleep? We tried before a few times with DD and she cried solidly for 2 hours and then we gave in.

With us it's all wrapped up with bfing. I think once we break that association we have a fighting chance.

DH will not do it. But i am seriously dangerous now. I haven't slept for over a year and i am losing it. I've contacted the sleep consultant above.

If you want a CC/sleep training partner OP i'm your man.

[FannyTheFlamingo]

MrsKoala I've been googling Controlled Crying all bloody day! They all use slightly different time intervals, but I'm going to try it tonight leaving her for 2 mins, then 5 and then adding 2 mins each time. DP thinks that DD is used to crying and then getting what she wants, and although he has proved himself to be a massive twat throughout this stress, I do agree with him. I think I'll message the sleep consultant as well. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow!

[MrsKoala]

When we did it before we did 2 mins, 3 mins, 4 mins, 5 mins and then kept at 5 mins. Like i said, she just cried for 2 hours.

She cries if DH is holding her. She cries all day and all night if not in my arms. She cries while i cook dinner. While i get the boys ready for school. While i do anything but sit holding her.

I am waiting for a call back from the sleep consultant.

DH wont leave her to cry tho.

Are you bfing?

[FannyTheFlamingo]

Oh that sounds so tough. I really feel for you. No, DD's never been BF, and she stopped having a night feed at about 5 months. She used to settle really well on her own and then if she woke, she would let me just lie her back down and stroke her head for a minute and she'd drift back off. I really don't understand how it's got to where it is now. I'm going to give it a good few hours tonight, although I don't really know at what point to stop if it's clearly not going to work. I guess when I feel like I can't take it anymore!