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1 year old can go to sleep but not stay asleep.....

(30 Posts)
TheSleeperandTheSpindle Thu 02-Nov-17 08:26:26

1 year old DS is now in his own room and is able to settle well in his cot. He has his milk downstairs and then its upstairs for story. He is put in his cot fully awake and after 10 mins of rolling and babbling he is asleep. I stay with him the whole time, either sitting in the chair next to the cot or with my hand on his back if he’s a bit fidgety. Bedtime is 7-7.30pm.

He then sleeps until about 11pm and then starts standing up and sobbing. He sometimes cries out like he’s had a bad dream. He is then impossible to settle. He will grab at my hands and becomes inconsolable. It’s heartbreaking to watch so we pick him up just to calm him and then put him back in his cot. This carries on for however long we can stand it but is often 1-2 hours. DS often does fall asleep again in between but then is awake again 10 mins later.

We then give up in desperation and take him into our bed where he sleeps soundly until 6.30-7am blush

DH and I are now in disagreement about what to do. DH thinks we just try again each night and DS will eventually do longer stretches. I think DS is learning that if he screams long enough he will be taken into our bed. The problem is I don’t want to do any CC or CIO but me staying with DS and comforting him when he wakes doesn’t seem to work either confused

DS doesn’t have any feeds overnight anymore, just milk morning and bedtime. He eats a ton of food during the day and drinks plenty of water. He naps for around 2-2.5 hours a day, split into 2 naps.

Any advice would be great please grin

LapinR0se Thu 02-Nov-17 09:44:42

How come you’re waiting in his room at 7/7.30? I imagine he’s waking up at 11 and gets a fright when you’re not there

mamamalt Thu 02-Nov-17 09:58:50

No advice but going through the same (although I can leave the room and he falls asleep without me so it’s not a fright I’m gone!) so here for any advice and moral support! smile

TheSleeperandTheSpindle Thu 02-Nov-17 10:45:26

LapinR0se I stay with him because he only moved into his own room a week ago. Up until that point he was in a cot attached to my side of the bed and was cuddled to sleep. In the space of a week we’ve gone from lots of active in-cot settling from me to me just sitting next to his cot, which to me seems like very good progress. He also does rouse between 7-11 but he rolls over, grabs his comforter/puts dummy back in and settles. It’s just between 11pm-1am that we get the inconsolable crying confused

TheSleeperandTheSpindle Thu 02-Nov-17 10:47:00

Thanks for the moral support mamamalt grin

StinkyMcgrinky Thu 02-Nov-17 10:52:22

I had to check the username on this to make sure it wasn't a thread I had written myself!

DS2 is 16 months, can fall asleep beautifully but just cannot stay asleep. Same as you. Sleeps from around 7.30-11/12 and then wakes up crying, we ended up bringing him into our bed and he would then sleep until around 3, wake up again, and then sleep until about 6. Co-Sleeping is NOT my preferred method (not that I'm against it, he just sleeps like a starfish!) but it was the only thing me and DH could do to get some sleep with a boisterous 3 year old to look after as well.

DS2 is actually awaiting his first appointment with the peadiatric ENT team as our GP is concerned it may be his adenoids or tonsils which are causing him to wake up due to interrupting his breathing. He is a BIG snorer which was also a red flag for the GP.

StinkyMcgrinky Thu 02-Nov-17 10:53:48

^ Should say that bringing him in to bed with us is only a very recent thing and previously we have spent most nights up and down every few hours to settle him. We don't aim for it to be a long term solution!

Anatidae Thu 02-Nov-17 11:01:50

Keep hanging in there. Ours was similar - couldn’t stay asleep. He now sleeps through (hurrah! ) after 18m of waking EVERY FUCKING HOUR.

I still stay with him while he falls asleep by the way - the whole ‘you must make them fall asleep alone’ thing is not a hard and fast rule.

Just keep gently soothing him back down when he wakes - we found that all the advice to make them self soothe made ours worse. What did work was just going in and gently, boringly, soothing him back down. He seemed to need to know that if he needed us we’d be there.

He also hate the cot. Loathed it. Kept bashing into the bars and waking himself. We got him a toddler bed, made a big fuss of what a big boy he was and tucked him into that.

A week later he was sleeping through.

He will get there. No taking him out of the room - he needs to know you’re there for him but not get any excitement or play out if night wakings. However long it takes you to get back down, don’t leave the room. Consider a toddler bed or a bed low to the floor (we stuck a couple of Ikea bed rails on.) consider a night light. Consider a mattress on the floor/toddler bed and you spending a few nights in there with him.

FATEdestiny Thu 02-Nov-17 13:26:08

In the space of a week we’ve gone from lots of active in-cot settling from me to me just sitting next to his cot, which to me seems like very good progress.

That's phenomenal progress. It's also probably the reason for the difficulty settling at night - own room in-cot settling is not (yet) established enough. But it will be, if you are consistant.

"Wasting" (for want of a better word) all of your hard work at in-cot settling by cosleeping after ages crying is not helping. Either keep it all in the cot, or cosleep from the start.

I'm too lazy to be getting up and going into another room for all that settling. I kept the cot in my room (side on though) and did all the settling through the cot bars without getting up. Own room only when consistantly sleeping through. Even now I have a travel cot to whip up in the night if my 3yo is unsettled. I don't want her in my bed but neither do I want to be say by her cot in the middle of the night. So we have a compromise for the occassional nights she is ill.

TheSleeperandTheSpindle Thu 02-Nov-17 13:26:18

StinkyMcginky Glad it’s not just us! I feel like we’re doing all the “right” things too and it’s disheartening not knowing how often we’ll be traipsing back and forth. That’s how we’ve ended up accidental co-sleepers too grin

Thank you Anatidae, your post gave me a much needed boost. He has a nightlight and we’ve discussed making me a bed on the floor in DSs room for the next few nights. Unfortunately there’s no room for a proper bed for me in there. I work 3 days a week so I’m off now until Monday. Plan is for me to spend these next few nights really tackling settling him in his room smile

TheSleeperandTheSpindle Thu 02-Nov-17 13:30:43

Was hoping you would post FATE grin We feel he has made great progress with his settling, esp as he was rocked to sleep until about 8 months old blush and you’re right, it does feel like a waste to cosleep after having him crying for an hour. We could move him back but he was sleeping very well in our room and we were waking him up when we went to bed and in the night. We will definitely keep going with it and making sure we are consistent smile

Anatidae Thu 02-Nov-17 14:01:55

Good luck! I was on my knees with sleep deprivation and then it all just sorted itself out in a week or two without us really doing much.

From this i conclude that sleep is largely developmental and that while there are certainly good practices you can and should use (FATES advice was v helpful for us) there is a point where you’ve tried everything and the little darling still doesn’t sleep and you just have to give in and roll with it smile

Also: all babies are individuals - ours is quite a sensitive clingy little chap, as well as being championship level stubborn. So for us all the gradual retreat methods made things so much worse because he just felt like we were leaving him. He needed to be sure that we would always come if he called and that we wouldn’t leave him when he didn’t want to. Once we got on board with that things got better.

Now, he goes to bed at 7:30, sleeps through and if he wakes early in the morning he just chats to himself and ‘reads’ the pile of books he stashed in the bed. When he’s bored he calls for us and we go and get him. If you’d told me that at 13m I’d have laughed. Then cried.

It’ll be ok. Go with the flow, do what you feel works for your own kid.

mamamalt Fri 03-Nov-17 06:50:03

Anatidae-Send some of that lovely luck our way! DS managed to stay in own cot all night last night.** Two wakes for two feeds but not the end of the world!
Would anyone here recommend night weaning?! OP is your son bf at night? Or does he have a bottle? X

TheSleeperandTheSpindle Fri 03-Nov-17 07:19:48

Thanks for the luck Anatidae but unfortunately last night was terrible blush DS went to sleep beautifully as usual with me just sitting by his cot. He was asleep at 7pm. He then woke at 10pm and was in a real state and didn’t go back to sleep until 12.20 shock All settling done in the cot but he was just constantly standing up. He woke again at 3.15, took 15 mins to resettle and woke again at 4am. I then gave in and took him into our bed blush where he slept until 7.

mamamalt Well done on your DS staying in his cot all night! grin My DS is bottle fed but hasn’t had a feed in the night for about 2 months. Maybe he is going through a growth spurt and is waking because he is hungry? Might try offering milk when he wakes tonight, he eats plenty during the day though confused

Anatidae Fri 03-Nov-17 07:28:35

We just ditched the cot. He hated it and woke constantly in it.

When we Night weaned and put him in a bed, things got better. I remember that age being really bad though

FATEdestiny Fri 03-Nov-17 08:49:05

I then gave in and took him into our bed

Not consistant and a whole load of wasted effort beforehand.

You and DH need to resolve your disagreement and both give 100% support to the method you use together. If not, you'll either:

- feel life you're "giving in" bringing baby into bed, instead of just accepting that is your agreed method.
Or
- youll find yourself questioning of you're doing the right thing and if DH is judging yoh by doing the in-cot sleep training. So will give in on the sleep training.

Either sleep train, or don't. You and DH need to agree, support each other in the joint decision and then be consistant.

crazycatlady5 Fri 03-Nov-17 08:52:40

@TheSleeperandTheSpindle what is it you’re after? If you definitely want him to sleep in the cot then I guess you have to keep going but it sounds very distressing for you.

Why don’t you switch to a floor bed and baby proof the room? That way at first wake you can go in and cuddle back to sleep. You can either keep sneaking out again or sleep in there from first wake with the idea that baby’s sleep will stretch out x

TheSleeperandTheSpindle Fri 03-Nov-17 08:58:10

I totally agree FATE

As soon as I did it I knew I should have been stronger and consistent.

My worry is that if DS is lying awake for 2 hours then he will just become overtired and then more difficult the next night and so on.

But like you say, all that effort last night was wasted. I spent over two hours bent over a cot and DS lost 2 hours sleep for nothing blush

TheSleeperandTheSpindle Fri 03-Nov-17 09:07:40

crazycatlady5 I’m not even sure what I’m after any more. I want DS to have a decent sleep instead of waking every 2 hours and I would like some sleep too grin However I don’t have it in me to leave DS crying or not give him what he needs. It works for some but it’s just not my style.

Luckily I’m very small so have in the past laid in DSs cot to settle and then snuck out blush

In my heart I would keep going with settling DS initially in his cot and then if he wakes and can’t be resettled he comes in with me and DH. But I can’t help thinking that it’s just teaching DS to sleep in our bed and we’ll just have more problems further along the line confused

Sorry, just read that back and it’s like verbal diarrhoea grin

LapinR0se Fri 03-Nov-17 09:20:51

I honestly don’t think it’s helpful to sit next to babies until they fall asleep and then sneak out. They just wake up going where the bloody hell is my Mum and freak out.
I totally agree with FATE. Either you decide you are going to cosleep and do that consistently or you persevere with him sleeping in his cot BUT I would leave before he is fully asleep every single time he wakes. I don’t mean not to comfort him. Just make sure that he’s conscious of you leaving so he doesn’t wake up and get a fright that you’re not there.

Anatidae Fri 03-Nov-17 09:20:51

Floor bed - it’s what I will be doing from quite early if we have another.

crazycatlady5 Fri 03-Nov-17 09:34:22

@LapinR0se I disagree, I know many people this had worked for and they now have children who sleep through the night in their own beds. It just takes some babies longer to get there than others.

Anatidae Fri 03-Nov-17 09:39:04

I stay with ds until he falls asleep and sneak out.
He now sleeps through.

It’s down to the temperament of the child - there’s no size fits all rules for sleep.

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome Fri 03-Nov-17 09:54:23

Have you tried a technique called “wake to sleep”? It involves very gently rousing (but not waking) the child about 10 mins before you expect them to wake, this then resets their sleep cycle & stops them waking up early.
Took a few weeks for us but was magic

Lovelylovelyladies Fri 03-Nov-17 10:06:14

I am having the same problem. 4 year old, 3 year old and 1 year old all share a room. 1 year old will not sleep through the night. If I give in and bring her into bed with me and DH she just messes around until she is exhausted and then screams the house down. Sometimes she settles with milk sometimes not. I don't know what to do. I do all night wakings, which can be up to 10 a night with the 3 year old and 4 year old needing wees! I am fucking exhausted. I don't think I can take anymore. I really don't know what to do....she has never slept through the night.

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