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Why do some people judge co-sleeping so much?

(197 Posts)
RedPandaMama Thu 26-Oct-17 23:39:00

Particularly my mum, grandmother and other similar age (45-70) adults. I've been told I 'just need to persevere with the cot', that I've 'made a fatal mistake', that 'babies have cots for a reason' and that she'll 'be in my bed til she's 9' like my auntie's daughter.

I'm just getting a bit sick of it to be honest! DD is 10 weeks old and I feel like as my daughter it shouldnt matter to anyone but us where she sleeps! She cries when put down alone in her next to me side sleeper, so we started co-sleeping. And doing this she's got herself into her own sort of routine. It's easy to breastfeed, no more back pain. We both get a tonne of sleep (between 8 and 12 hours) and we're both happy with it. She wants to be near me and I adore sleeping with her.

It's all done extremely safely and she has her own space. Maybe in a few months I'll re-evaluate and obviously it means DP and I have zero intimacy at the moment, but for now it works for us, he doesn't mind, she's so little and if it makes her happy we don't feel we're 'spoiling' her by co-sleeping (another comment I've had!)

Has anyone else experienced this kind of reaction? What do you do to stop it? Or should I just suck it up? I'm just so frustrated!

Wolfiefan Thu 26-Oct-17 23:41:58

TBH I just didn't tell people! The more you share the more some people will judge you.
I didnt share with my eldest but did with my youngest. It made everything so much easier. DH could sleep. (He did take a turn overnight at the weekend!) I could feed and settle her without waking everyone. And I got more sleep too.
They're little for such a short time. Do what works.
And congratulations on your baby. flowers

Mumtodylan1 Thu 26-Oct-17 23:44:06

I've not actually been in this position but it's your baby so you should do what you feel is right. If you're both getting lots of sleep and it works for you who cares what anyone else says?
They don't stay small for long so make the most of it I'd say. Just enjoy bonding with your baby. When she's 15/16 years old will you care if it took an extra few months to get her to sleep in her own bed?

yesichangedforthis Thu 26-Oct-17 23:46:49

They think it will spoil your relatinship with your husband.
Please don't bite my head off, but I sort of agree.
You really need to be having some time on your own (with just you and your husband in the bed) otherwise your relationship will suffer.

there are so many threads in relationships where the husband has an affair and the wife can't understand why.
Then it comes to light that their sex life was non existent (mainly from putting the children first) so a led to OH looking for xomfort elsewhere..
No excuse for cheating.
But, in my opinion, if you make it difficult to have sex (co - sleeping) then sometimes men will look elsewhere.

And I say that as a person who was really mother earth/put the children first.

FangsAlot Thu 26-Oct-17 23:47:38

Smile sweetly and say "well it works for us"

Ropsleybunny Thu 26-Oct-17 23:49:40

It's because of the SIDS guidelines.

Wolfiefan Thu 26-Oct-17 23:51:08

The baby is 10 weeks old. I don't think the OP's marriage is in any immediate danger!
And time as a couple (or even sex) doesn't have to be in bed once the children are tucked up in their own beds! hmm
My relationship would've suffered a whole lot more if the baby didn't sleep and we were all awake most of the night!

TittyGolightly Thu 26-Oct-17 23:51:45

Please don't bite my head off, but I sort of agree. You really need to be having some time on your own (with just you and your husband in the bed) otherwise your relationship will suffer.

ignoring the sexist bollocks in the rest of your post, you've shown yourself to be pretty unadventurous there. wink

Cosleeping is completely normal across the world - and women in some other countries have far more children on average than we do. They ain't virgin births, so maybe it's possible to maintain an adult relationship whilst providing babies and small children with comfort too. wink

The idea that a baby or child is deserving of less comfort than a fully grown adult man capable of rational thought and who should want the best for his offspring is pretty disgusting.

TittyGolightly Thu 26-Oct-17 23:52:25

It's because of the SIDS guidelines

Which are fundamentally flawed.

RedPandaMama Thu 26-Oct-17 23:52:57

@Ropsleybunny the SIDS guidelines are based on studies concerning very small babies, premature babies and show risks are posed with mothers who smoke/smoked during pregnancy, are intoxicated, or increase risk by having toys/pillows etc in the bed.

www.isisonline.org.uk/where_babies_sleep/parents_bed/

TheSnorkMaidenReturns Thu 26-Oct-17 23:53:01

I'm fifty, my youngest is over 9 and he still mainly co-sleeps because his mental health is better when he does (or has access).

Sod the nay-sayers. I chucked this child out as a toddler 'because they need to sleep alone' and he came back in during the early years of school. He was later diagnosed as autistic. No doubt he'd have been diagnosed earlier if we hadn't offered him the calming qualities of the parental bed.

This has been a mutual decision between DH and me. Use your imagination folks.

TittyGolightly Thu 26-Oct-17 23:54:28

SIDS shouldn't include suffocation in my view. There's a very clear cause of death in suffocation cases. SIDS should be for unexplained baby/child deaths.

yesichangedforthis Thu 26-Oct-17 23:55:10

YES, it is sexis bollocks.
But it happens.
Wife wants to co sleep with baby.
Husband never gets sex.
Relationship suffers.

I know it doesn't fit in with the current thinking.
But, putting the baby first might be good for baby, but not so good for your marriage.

Ducks as this isn't a popular view.

FATEdestiny Thu 26-Oct-17 23:55:11

It's about parenting styles.

Nothing wrong with parenting in a way that values independence

Nothing wrong with parenting in a way that values attachment

...and every possible middle ground in between

But there always seems to be a little bit of judgement, silent or otherwise, from the two extremes. After all, everyone thinks their way to parent is the 'right way' - if it wasnt, they'd surely parent differently? So to the individual who is not confident in their decisions, it can indirectly implie the 'other way' must be wrong. But it's not. Just a different version of right.

RedPandaMama Thu 26-Oct-17 23:56:40

And thanks to those worrying about my non-existent marriage - still waiting on that one! grin

In all seriousness DP and I have nothing to worry about on that front. We still have a lot of affection for each other and I think even if the baby were in her own bed we probably wouldn't have got back to that yet as my recovery from giving birth has been pretty bad. We still make time for lots of spooning - the most important thing, obv. smile

Wolfiefan Thu 26-Oct-17 23:57:03

But in this house it wasn't DW wants to co sleep!
It was two bloody exhausted parents deciding what they BOTH thought was best. It wasn't best with DC1 so I didn't. It was best with DC2 so I did!

RedPandaMama Thu 26-Oct-17 23:58:25

@TheSnorkMaidenReturns you sound like a bloody good parent. flowers

FramptonRose Thu 26-Oct-17 23:58:58

Ignore everyone else. If it works for you then do it!
I did it with my 3rd dc, he was the most content baby out of all three, we both got more sleep, he pulled at me when he wanted feeding (didn't even cry) he fed, fell back to sleep, done.
You obviously know all the right things to do, regarding no drinking or smoking etc then sharing a bed.
I had the health visitor and various friends tell me I would never get him to sleep independently, he went in a bit from 7 months (purely because he would figit in the night and I was worried he would drop put of bed) he was fine, then went into his own room at one and again slept brilliantly ( and still does at the age of four)
Honestly if it works for you, do it, learn to block out other people's opinions.
Enjoy it too, I miss those days xxx

TittyGolightly Thu 26-Oct-17 23:59:51

*YES, it is sexis bollocks.
But it happens.
Wife wants to co sleep with baby.
Husband never gets sex.
Relationship suffers*

Sounds like wifey is best off out of it. Husband sounds like a massive twat.

Somerville Fri 27-Oct-17 00:00:41

People like to have Opinions. Opinions on babies and what their mothers aren't doing their way right are particularly popular. Smile and ignore, as far as possible, OP.

Smile and ignore is also a good tactic for the PP who sadly never has sofa sex. Or shower sex. Or bath sex. Or spare bed sex.

irvineoneohone Fri 27-Oct-17 00:01:15

I co slept with my ds. It's quite common in my country. But like Wolfie, I didn't tell.
No sleep related issues, always had enough sleep even while BF.
We kept co sleeping even after I stopped BF, because he broke his cot by jumping in it and didn't see the point of buying another, so we co slept until he was ready for junior bed. No problem transferring to sleeping alone either.

TittyGolightly Fri 27-Oct-17 00:04:21

Smile and ignore is also a good tactic for the PP who sadly never has sofa sex. Or shower sex. Or bath sex. Or spare bed sex.

But does have bed sex whenever husband wants it. Because he cant be expected to take a back seat. Poor bloke. Had to put up with his wife growing a human, pushing it out, feeding it, looking after it and WHAT ABOUT HIS NEEDS?!

Wolfiefan Fri 27-Oct-17 00:05:18

And you can't spoil a baby!
BTW DD is 7 and had long slept fine in her own bed.
You do what works for your family. And as Snork said "sod" anyone who tuts or judges.
Enjoy the tiny baby cuddles and that smell. Your little baby will be a hulking great teen soon enough! grin

CertainHalfDesertedStreets Fri 27-Oct-17 00:12:35

I think SO many people co-sleep and call it something else. 'She gets in with us in the night' or 'I sometimes drop off getting him back to sleep'

And loads of people do it and just lie about it or don't mention it because it's socially unacceptable - even though everyone is doing it!

Hawkmoth Fri 27-Oct-17 00:25:49

I've co slept with three out of four of my DC. The two who have stopped did it independently at about 2.5 and have been happy in their beds since then. Current bed sharer is 19mo so probably have 6/7 months of it left.

We have HV involvement because the household is quite autistic and the amount of shit we get about our baby being in the bed is unbelievable. He's not going to be in for ever and neither of us care. In his whole life he has slept in his cot for 13 hours or so. But he is napping in the pram in afternoons more often.

The ONLY thing that bothers me about the over seven years of co-sleeping is waking up with a numb hand now and again because I sleep like the woman in the safe sleeping leaflet with my arm perpendicular to my body.

And the one that slept on his own is now 8 and finds bedtimes a massive challenge. Often keeps quiet but dwells on things until half ten then comes to us with a million questions about the next three years of his life...

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