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Struggling with sleep training

(17 Posts)
vgiraffe Wed 11-Oct-17 07:59:50

DD (8m) has slept badly since 3m old and I have finally decided we need to do something. Moving her into her own room has helped a lot but I also want to wean her off needing to BF to sleep as I could do with a break. Started 'gentle' sleep training of staying in the room and shhing/stroking/picking up depending on how much she cries yesterday. But none of those things seem to help much and she still cries. The cries seem less intensive with DH but I need to do the rest when he's working. She is not truly 'wailing' but crying enough for me to feel like I'm doing a horrible thing! Yesterday was falling asleep in about 20-30 mins but that still feels like a lot of crying. Not sure if wanting advice or just a hand hold, just don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Just to add, DD is generally quite confident and doesn't cry or need to be held much in the day.

LapinR0se Wed 11-Oct-17 12:57:40

You need to be consistent with your method of soothing, be it stroking or shushing or picking up. The combination will be confusing and will mean that sleep training takes far longer than necessary.

vgiraffe Thu 12-Oct-17 09:28:53

Thanks, I mostly have just been leaving her (still sitting in the room) as she seemed to get more upset when we picked her up and even stroking her didn't seem to help. Actually, since I posted that yesterday, she has been much better at settling already with much less crying. Hopefully that will continue!

seven201 Thu 12-Oct-17 09:37:33

Have you tried leaving the room? Only saying that as my dd got so angry that I was in the room but not picking her up. Much better when I wasn't there! Not for everyone though.

SleveMcDichael Thu 12-Oct-17 11:17:59

I mostly have just been leaving her (still sitting in the room) as she seemed to get more upset when we picked her up and even stroking her didn't seem to help.

DD is like this. Any touching/picking up/shushing just agitates her. It's much quicker if I just sit quietly beside the cot. We've been doing that consistently for about a month and we've just started getting a few nights where she goes off without any crying. It's been tough riding out the whinge-crying but it would get way worse if I tried to do anything else - and it's started to feel like we're making progress!

2014newme Thu 12-Oct-17 11:24:36

If you have another baby do start sleep training much earlier. People teach their children to wean, to walk, to read etc but helping them get good sleep habits is so so important for all concerned!

ashapasha1 Thu 12-Oct-17 12:03:30

Babies do NOT need sleep training at this age. Cruel and selfish

2014newme Thu 12-Oct-17 12:09:02

It's not cruel to support babies in developing good sleep patterns.

nuttyknitter Thu 12-Oct-17 12:09:52

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QueenJane Thu 12-Oct-17 12:15:05

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2014newme Thu 12-Oct-17 12:33:35

Meh letting them cry fir 5 mins isn't abuse

riddles26 Thu 12-Oct-17 12:44:26

@nuttyknitter if you don't have anything helpful to contribute, keep your ignorant useless opinions to yourself. And while you're at it, please educate yourself on child abuse. I've worked with genuine victims of abuse and neglect and your nasty comment is an insult to them and what they have been to

2014newme Thu 12-Oct-17 12:46:13

Tbh I had twins and while I was dealing with one, feeding or nappy or whatever, sometimes the other would just have to cry. Probably longer than 5 mins. So how is that not abuse bit sleep training is?

confused123456 Thu 12-Oct-17 13:00:13

Nuttykitter, it is most certainly NOT abuse. My mum got it right. The of us only ever slept upstairs, and she would put us down and leave us for 10 minutes, to give us time to settle down.
We have done the same with our ds. I hate Moses baskets so I'd never ever have one, and I don't see the need to have them sleep downstairs anyway. So my ds always slept upstairs, we had a video monitor on, and when he was small I checked on him regularly. He was perfectly fine.
Anyway in terms of sleep. When he was tiny he would be asleep before he went back in his crib. But once he got older he would be put down awake. We would put him down, cover him up, say goodnight, then leave him alone. We allowed him up to 10 minutes to settle down. Usually within this time he would settle himself to sleep, and if he didn't, it meant there was something else wrong (for example when he was teething he didn't settle by himself). During this time yes he moaned to himself, at times he screamed for a minute or 2, but he was fine.
It worked so well. He self settled from when we came home, and was sleeping through from 3 months old. We never had any swaddling as I don't see the need for it. He never had any comfort blanket or teddy as I find them unnecessary and something else to get rid of. He never had a night light or white noise as again I found it unnecessary. There was never any patting, rocking or anything because he settled by himself. And the last thing in the world I would ever give any child of mine is a dummy because I absolutely hate them and don't see the need for them at all (my son sucked his thumb very occasionally, not regularly, and he didn't do it at all after he was 8 months. So the whole a dummy is better because you can take it away, is rubbish as well).
I know most will flame me for my opinions, but I don't care. It's how I feel and what I think. If you don't agree with our ideas and methods that's fine, but don't judge me for it. I don't agree with what you said, but I wouldn't judge you for it, I'm simply explaining why I don't see any problem with it.
As I said, you don't have to agree or even like it, but NEVER EVER say I'm abusing my child for doing it. I WILL NOT have a complete stranger say what I've done is abuse. Our health visitor knew that's what we were doing and was fine with it, so I'm not sure why you are being so very rude and judgemental.

2014newme Thu 12-Oct-17 13:10:43

When you read the threads of parents who are on their knees having not slept for months or even years you do wonder why they don't just do some sleep train but if they get comments telling them they are abusive you can see why it may put them off. It personally would not bother me, with twins you either sleep train or spend every night awake all night. We did 2 nights like that includi got one where we didn't get into bed let alone sleep, and that was enough. An exhausted parent isn't a good parent. There's a reason sleep deprivation is torture.

InDubiousBattle Thu 12-Oct-17 13:19:12

Keep going op. Chose a method (so chose shhing, patting whatever)and do it consistently. 8 months is a good time to break a feeding to sleep habit. 20-30 minutes of on off crying with a parent in the room sounds great for a first night! You are doing the right thing.

vgiraffe Thu 12-Oct-17 15:48:22

Thank you for your support (some of you). DD has gone down for a nap this afternoon with just a bit of whinging - asleep in 10 mins. Feeling so much better about it. Hopefully it's not just a fluke and she is just learning really quickly.

I don't feel I have to justify the way I parent my own child - but want to respond for anyone else reading this who may be feeling vulnerable. I really didn't want to leave DD to cry, but after doing things her way for 8 months, things needed to change and I felt she was ready to learn to self settle (because surprise surprise, I know my daughter better than a stranger does). Only BFing to sleep meant every nap time, bedtime and nighttime was down to me. So making a change isn't selfish, it's about looking after my own wellbeing so that, amongst other things, I can continue to be a good mum. It is early days but I am also already seeing my daughter nap for longer - so even though she is crying a bit, she is less tired in the long run which is a good thing.

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