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Losing my mind with 11 month old

(35 Posts)
JadeT2 Tue 10-Oct-17 21:08:43

My 11 month old has gone from sleeping 7-7 pretty much every night in her cot to becoming some kind of fucking nightmare.

She's taking up to an hour to fall asleep and will no longer go to sleep by herself. She has to feed (bottle) to sleep or be rocked and sung to. If she wakes up following this I used to be able to stick her dummy back in and crack on with my evening. Now she point blank refuses to go back to sleep unless I'm holding her and will continuously wake through the night. If I put her down again she screams until she's sick and stands at the cot banging the bars.

We have resorted to having to bring her in with us, sometimes as early as 9pm, meaning I literally have no break from her (still on maternity) all day and I am starting to lose my mind. I did suggest selling her on eBay earlier but my husband said we probs wouldn't get enough grin

She will scream and scream unless I have physically picked her up. I can't even stand next to her cot holding her over or through the bars so I don't even know how I could attempt the slow retreat type approach to "sleep training".

Is this some sort of stage (it's been about 3 weeks now) or is this going to my life now? Cosleeping isn't really a long term solution for us as my husband and I are shift workers so our alarms will wake her up anyway when I return to work next month.

If anyone has any solution please help!

AlexsMum89 Tue 10-Oct-17 21:19:03

I'm probably going to be the world's most unpopular poster here, but at 11 months she will know that she is getting what she wants by screaming. It's really horrible and hard but I would refuse to pick her up and comfort her for a few minutes (pat on the back etc) and walk away for 5 mins or so. Rinse and repeat.
Babies are exceptional when it comes to screaming stamina, I have no idea how they have such energy to keep at it!
It will probably take a few nights of not giving in to her before it starts to take effect as she realises her tantrums aren't working. It really is worth it tho, and it's not genuine upset if that makes sense. She just wants to get her desired reaction from you.
Bug hugs for you xx

HollyBollyBooBoo Tue 10-Oct-17 21:20:33

Is she tired enough to go to sleep when you put her down?

Is she having a growth spurt and could be waking up hungry?

JadeT2 Tue 10-Oct-17 21:23:38

We have been doing this too sorry, leaving her for about 5 minutes at a time, sometimes for up to about 40 minutes in total. But it's just not making any difference!

And I still then have the issue of just not getting a break from her. My husband works 2 evenings a week and we then have my stepdaughter for another 2-3 nights per week so it's me doing bedtime most of the time anyway. I just need a childfree hour in the evening to not have to deal with a screaming child sad

JadeT2 Tue 10-Oct-17 21:27:05

I think she's tired enough as she only takes a while to fall asleep about once or twice a week. She's also quite shit at napping in the day, only going for two 40 minutes naps about 3/4 hours apart. The main issue is the wakings with no way of settling more than anything. She's not interested in comforters/teddy type things either. White noise does t seen to help either (we thought it may be household noise waking her).

We have tried feeds now and again but she dropped her night feeds at 3 months and hasn't been interested much since. She's occasionally take an ounce when offered but I don't know if that was more for something to do than anything else!

Pops1985 Tue 10-Oct-17 21:27:30

This is also my life, I have no advice but it must be a phase (she prays). She has started waking up really early too and I’m dreading my return to work/clocks going back in 3 weeks. Nothing to offer but a hand hold!

JadeT2 Tue 10-Oct-17 21:29:48

Namechange fail!

Appreciate the solidarity Pops! I do wonder if it is just a phase I'll have to deal with. I think it's the 11 months of being number one default parent that's starting to take its toll too to be honest.

AlexsMum89 Tue 10-Oct-17 21:31:16

Like I said I'm expecting to be viewed as a really horrible mother for suggesting it but the message you need to firmly show is that she's not going to get what she wants.
40 minutes isn't long enough to get that message (although it feels like a horrible lifetime as a mum). Her stamina will far outstrip your ability to listen to her scream.
Keep at it, all night if you have to, but don't give in. Unless there's an underlying medical problem, she will realise in a couple of days that her tantrums aren't working. And you'll be glad you stuck to your guns.
Best of luck xx

littlebillie Tue 10-Oct-17 21:32:10

Try changing the routine, narrate every stage telling why she's going to bed the house becoming quiet, try reading to her (no pictures), buy some ear defenders and sit it out. I know this is very very hard but you will get there 💐 show no fear and remain calm ( you'll still be doing it when she's a teen)

PastysPrincess Tue 10-Oct-17 21:34:18

No advice but just wanted to show solidarity with you. My son hated sleep from the day he was born.

LoveDeathPrizes Tue 10-Oct-17 21:34:53

She's probably on the cusp of learning to walk. There's a whole heap of crap they're doing at this age and they get really clingy. Download Wonder Weeks if you want an idea as it just seems to keep things in perspective for me.

My daughter's the same and it's really grinding me down. I don't buy into any of the stuff about babies being aware enough to be manipulative but for your own wellbeing, do what you need to to function.

JadeT2 Tue 10-Oct-17 21:42:00

Thanks all, the support is making me feel better already. She's been standing for about 4 months now so we've been expecting her to start walking any day but she seems to have hit a bit of a stumbling block at taking 3 steps then crawling instead. Perhaps that is the reason behind it (I believe hopefully...)

pulpi Tue 10-Oct-17 21:44:57

Went through this exactly from 4.5-11 months. It all changed for the better when he started nursery every morning. I also stopped breastfeeding about a month after he started nursery. He was exhausted from playing and would nap in the afternoons (previously unheard of - he was a dreadful napper) and then settle down for a full 10 hour sleep at night. I think the daily schedule helped. But I was at my wit’s end by 11 months (I feel your pain, OP). I agree with the other posters that your baby is probably on the verge of walking. Try to grab rest for yourself when and where you can. Do you have any family nearby that could lend a hand?

LoveDeathPrizes Tue 10-Oct-17 21:50:24

From her point of view - she's probably days away from being able to walk away from you. A bit like when they learn to crawl, with it comes their (albeit unconscious) awareness that they can put distance between the two of you which is why they also become clingier. Check put her teeth too - molars are massive and pretty painful.

I don't believe for a second that she's testing you. And to be honest, even if my kid was testing whether or not she could get comfort by screaming (which incidentally is about all they can do) she's going to get it. Under any circumstances. I don't mind her getting that message.

But - you need to feel well. And sleep deprivation is awful and makes you angry and snappy and often really, really low. Do you co sleep? Would it make life easier for now? I know you don't want to build a rod for your own back, but crisis management - I'd do whatever gets everyone the most sleep!

sourpatchkid Tue 10-Oct-17 22:03:03

I'd also check for pain. Teething? Ear infection?

She's probably also overtired if she's not napping enough. Will anything make her sleep better in the day? A drive? A walk?

Honestly your first step isn't even her. It's you. You need more time, you need more rest, you need a little time to just recover. When can someone else have her? Can dad take her in the day if he's doing a night shift? Can you put her in nursery early? You are human, you will break if you keep going at this pace. Take care of yourself - you matter

Slumberparty Wed 11-Oct-17 13:19:52

My 10 month old DD is pretty much the same. She used to settle pretty well but suddenly started needing to be rocked to sleep and ending up in our bed a lot. She's also never been great at naps. Last Thursday night I decided to try the 'pick up put down' sleep training. The first two nights were really bad and I was so tired and emotional but also determined to stick at it for at least a week. Over a few days she was so much calmer when putting her down in cot. Not crying (but I still had to stay and pat and shush until she fell asleep). I will continue with it as I think it's slowly working. Although I am worried I am just making her reliant on me being there for her to fall asleep confused. Easier than rocking tho.

chloechloe Thu 12-Oct-17 08:34:24

It's exhausting isn't it? I'm going through a similar thing with my 10 mo who hasn't slept for more than 2 hours in 7 months and wakes about 8 times a night. My evening consists of running up and down the stairs whilst trying to clean away dinner and put my toddler in bed!

You really need to try and carve out some chunks of time just for you. Especially as you are about to go back to work! Can somebody take her so you can try and sleep for a few hours or go out for the evening?

I'm planning on night weaning my DD soon but don't agree with leaving babies to cry. Their brains don't have the cognitive ability to manipulate at this age. I think the important thingis to decide on a technique to settle her and stick with it. It's easy to start chopping and changing when you're faced with night after unsettled night (am guilty of this myself) but I think babies need consistency.

It might sound crazy but is the cot big enough for you to climb in? When DD can't settle with me next to the cot I get in with her and calm her down that way.

chloechloe Thu 12-Oct-17 08:36:54

Also with the short naps, will she resettle if you pick her up after 40min and then let her sleep on your arm? With DD she falls asleep in her cot, wakes after 30 min usually and then I let her fall back to sleep on my arm and put her back down again for another 30min. It might take a few attempts but it's worth a try!

timeforbedsleepyhead80 Thu 12-Oct-17 08:46:22

Have you got The Wonder Weeks app? It shows when they are going through a development leap, I'm sure there's one around 11-12 months. This sort of behaviour is typical of a leap. I know lots of people have found coming up to age 1 a nightmare for sleep - usually they have teeth in the move and are in the brink of learning to walk, their little brains go into overload. Also a peak time for separation anxiety. If this is separation anxiety, doing things like leaving her to it will likely make it worse.

I feel for you it's really rough. Can you get anyone to watch her for an hour in the day for you to give you a break until this passes? It will pass. Personally, I would (and did) grit my teeth and give her cuddles to sleep if that's what she needs right now and use other time to get away for a bit. Is she napping well in the day?

timeforbedsleepyhead80 Thu 12-Oct-17 08:48:00

Just reread sorry, I see she's having what we always called 'crap naps' . She could also be overtired by bedtime which will make it harder for her to sleep well overnight.

AnonEvent Thu 12-Oct-17 08:52:04

DD had a period like this at about 10 months, she went from a reasonable sleeper to a monster.

It'd sometimes take 2 hours to get her to sleep, and then she'd wake up every 45 minutes throughout night. And when she was awake, it took a good 15-20 to get her back to sleep

Now at almost a year, she's SO much better, we've have five full nights (7:30-7) in a row this week. I think starting nursery really helped, she's so tired at the end of the day she just conks out. Will you go back to work? If so, childcare could make all the difference.

Crumbs1 Thu 12-Oct-17 09:09:15

A bit of tough love - I'd put her to bed and close the door until morning. Personally think children are done a huge disservice by not teaching them to settle themselves after about 9 months..

ImMrsBrightside Thu 12-Oct-17 09:28:13

Wanted to show solidarity as my DD is ten and a half months and going through a similarly bad phase sleep wise, with added 5am wakings! shock

However what I now also want is say is a wow. Crumbs: I think children are done a huge disservice by being locked in a room when they're distressed and dismissed by their parents when they need comfort.

timeforbedsleepyhead80 Thu 12-Oct-17 09:42:50

Another wow for @Crumbs1. Yes children need to learn to settle themselves but we're talking about a baby. An older baby, but still a baby. Self settling can't just be taught, it's part learning and part development. How would you like to be shut in a room and left to cry until morning?

There's a huge difference between not wanting to hold your child all night long and looking for sensible, kind (to parents and babies) solutions and shutting them in a room to scream until morning. That's just fucking neglectful, not tough love.

Twofishfingers Thu 12-Oct-17 09:50:15

God I remember that phase and I was absolutely exhausted. DS started doing that at around 12 months old and by 18 months (I was 8 months pregnant by then) DH kicked me out for the weekend and let him cry. If DS was sick, DH would pick him up, change him, put him back in the cot. He would open the door and say 'it's time to go to sleep now' and walked out. First night he cried for three hours, second night for 2 hours, 3rd night for 20 minutes then it was sorted he could go to sleep on his own and sleep through the night. I do not know how I could have managed with his sleep problems and a newborn.

It's really not an easy decision to make but you really have to stick to it you can't give in half way through. We found that even patting DS on the back would make him cry even louder so DH just stood by the door every 5 minutes or so with reassuring words.

Finding a 'no cry' solution works in books. It sounds great when you read it. But it doesn't work for all babies.

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