Two year old sleep issues

[dinodiva]

My 2 year old DD has never been the best sleeper, but lately it's been getting worse and I don't know what to start doing to improve things.

She's at nursery full time as we both work, where she consistently eats well and has a reasonable nap of 1-1.5 hours every day. We're usually home by 5.45pm for some quiet play, bath and bed. We try to get her into bed by 7pm and that's where it goes wrong. She screams if we leave the room and screams loudly (she's very stubborn) so one of us ends up sitting there whilst she shouts, sings, tries to chat until she eventually passes out. I'm still there now and she's still not asleep.

Then in the night she wakes without fail and won't settle until we bring her into bed with us and after some faffing about she settles and goes back to sleep. We've tried sleeping on her floor to see if that made a difference and it was worse - she woke more often, so we reverted to bringing her into our bed.

I'm 7 weeks pregnant with DC2 so this can't go on indefinitely. Do I tackle the night wakings first, or sort out the evenings? DH and I barely get any evenings together at the moment and it's difficult to go out because it doesn't seem fair to leave her with anyone else. Our bedtime routine is pretty solid (bath, milk, teeth, stories) and hasn't changed in over 18 months. We've bought it forwards to see if she was overtired but it's made no difference.

I'd appreciate some advice on where to go next! I'm hormonal, tired and the constant broken nights alongside a busy job are taking their toll.

[dinodiva]

I should also have said she has a strong attachment to her comforter which goes with her everywhere.

[PolkaDotFlamingo]

Mine was a nightmare at going to sleep at 2 until I cut her nap completely. She was awful for 3 days and completely overtired in the afternoons (and nursery were clearly not impressed) but then she was a new child! She has to go for a bath and then bed as soon as she gets home though as she's knackered. It's taken a long time but she's now able to recognise when she's tired and she actually tries to go to sleep. One of us is still in the room with her but it's only 5/10 mins now, not the hours it used to be!

[InDubiousBattle]

What time does she get up? My friend had pretty much the same problem with her dd and putting her to bed an hour later helped as it meant she got an extra hour at home with my friend before bedtime started.

[dinodiva]

She wakes up 6.30-7 ish and often a bit later at the weekend - having her up later in the evenings would mean she'd need to sleep later in the morning so it isn't really feasible because of work.

I'm not convinced about cutting naps - whenever she refuses she's just as bad in the evenings! She actually goes down much easier for her naps - asleep within 5-10 mins usually so I think she must still need them.

[Crazylou]

What's her wake up time ? Nap time ? Before she goes home? Also how long has she been attending nursey ? My DS was in nursey full time 8-4.30 mon-Friday from 9 months old until August there, he is now 29 months old, while he was attending nursey I had terrible nights where he would not go to sleep until 8.30pm, constantly wanting myself in the room until he was asleep, he would scream, jump about act up, now he's out nursey all together due to health issues and myself going part time and I've found a major change in him, he sleeps until 8.30am sometimes doesn't nap sometimes does (no more than an hour if he does) and he goes to sleep easily between 8.30-9pm, he's not screaming for my attention at night anymore and it's probably due to me spending more time with him now, while I was full time I struggled health wise, and it was affecting my DS. She could have separation issues st the moment

[InDubiousBattle]

But if she's not getting to sleep until you've done singing/chatting for ages now she might get more sleep if you try putting her down an hour later but goes straight to sleep? I definitely wouldn't abandon naps yet ever. I'm normally of the 'sleep begets sleep, put them to bed earlied' mind but it sounds like during the week your dd just hasn't had enough of you to sleep. I'd be tempted to do something for 30 minutes- an hour when you get home- trip to the park on the way home, some colouring, one on one time with each of you in turn, then do calm down, bath, bed nearer 8.

[Ttbb]

You just have to call her bluff. Slowly downgrade the level of attention she gets. Start by sitting just outside her room telling stories etc with door open. Then do the sane with door closed. Then stop at the end of the story. And sometimes, let her cry and scream (provided that it is I'm throwing a tantrum screaming not I am heart broken screaming, you should be able to tell the difference).

[TittyGolightly]

You just have to call her bluff. Slowly downgrade the level of attention she gets.

Sounds like a lack of attention is causing this. Reducing what little attention she gets isn't likely to help!

[Crazylou]

I agree reducing attention won't help as I tried it myself and it didn't help in anyway it made it worse as he wasn't getting enough attention from his parents during the week

[FATEdestiny]

dinodiva -what are you doing while sitting in the room and she's not sleeping? Also, is she standing in her cot at this point, or lying down while shouting and whatnot?

Have you thought about trying to show her the type of behaviour you want?

I would say that in order to sleep she needs to be: lying down, still, quiet... then she can be calm, next comes relaxed and finally comes sleep.

So start at the beginning - she cannot go to sleep unless lying down. So forget the rest, get her lying down. Just keep on repeatedly lifting a few cm and resettling back down when she makes any attempt to get up. This may involve you leaning over the cot and repeatedly re lying her back down over and over again for ages. Eventually she will get it.

Next comes still and quiet, so I would use positive attention to get that. Eye contact, hand on chest, cheek stroke, that kind of thing when calming down. If shouting, withdraw the attention and look away. Repeat what you want - "quiet at bedtime please". Reward the behaviour you want with positive attention, primarily touch and eye contact. Sleepy smiles, hand on her in the cot for reassurance, stay close, eye contact and wait.

Keep going with lufy and resettle to reaffirm the need to lie down. Lots of positive reassurance when calm and quiet. Then just wait for calm to become relaxed to become asleep - all whilst maintaining the touch and eye contact reassurance.

It may take a long time initially. But it is reasonable to expect to get this settling to sleep process down to around 10-15 minutes. At that point, then start reducing the level of reassurance she needs by a process of gradual withdrawal.