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Will it ever get better?!

(15 Posts)
susannaR Sat 01-Jul-17 11:05:06

Don't even know what I'm after ladies...probably just some moral support/encouragement....or told to get a grip and get on with it?....or maybe a bit of both πŸ˜•
DS is now 8months and basically I've had no sleep for 5 months now...had some minor success when we night weaned where he was actually staying in bed roughly 8-6 but with half a dozen dummy inserts...but it was short lived 😭 We are back to the hourly wakes all night long and up for the day at 5:30....
Just feeling like I can't do it anymore (although clearly have no choice!)...even 3 year old daughter is asking why I'm sad. DH is neglected (although not complaining and tries to help). I've fallen out with my mum after her numerous unhelpful comments such as "it's the breast feeding" "it's your own fault for not leaving him to cry when he was younger" etc etc you get the idea. 😞
....will it just get better??? I feel psychologically I might be better to just admit defeat and accept he doesn't sleep and stop trying? I.e. Keep him up with us until we go to bed then co-sleep?...but neither DH or I really want this in the long term.
I'm back to work in 6weeks and honestly don't know how I'm going to cope. Sorry this is a very me me post and I know I should be happy with lovely home, DH and 2 children but the chronic sleep deprivation is really affecting my mood and clarity of thought 😒 My only saving grace is he naps well in the cot during the day πŸ™πŸ»

teaandbiscuitsforme Sat 01-Jul-17 12:17:46

I'll start by saying I'm a big fan of feeding to sleep and co-sleeping....

I went back to work when my DD was 9 months and my DH used to work away all week. I found coping with a baby on my own and being back at work with additional work in the evenings (teacher hmm) so much easier to cope with because we co-slept and I could get a decent sleep. Not perfect but good enough to cope!

I don't think co-sleeping is admitting defeat if it helps you to get more rest/sleep. I think it's a practical solution to life in a busy family. But I understand why people don't want to!

I'm not sure what else other than carry on with the dummy. Good luck! smile

FATEdestiny Sat 01-Jul-17 13:50:36

Is baby's cot next to your bed?

chloechloe Sat 01-Jul-17 14:46:37

And I'll start by saying I'm not a fan of feeding to sleep and co-sleeping, yet DD2 is in bed with me for a fair chunk of the night as needs must!

It's hard to think straight when you're long-term sleep deprived and your return to work is looming. But there's no need to make a decision now and if you do decide to co-sleep it's not the end of the world.

If you've might weaned then I suggest you take yourself to the spare room or sofa at the weekend and leave DH to settle the baby so you get a couple of nights' rest. He should do the same during the week and when you're back at work you divide the night's between you. And each weekend take it in turns where one of you gets up with both kids and the other sleeps until 8am or so. Would that make things more bearable?

chloechloe Sat 01-Jul-17 14:49:37

Sorry for the stray apostrophe - wretched autocorrect!

Zumbarunswim Sat 01-Jul-17 14:50:20

It will get better. I left my son to "cry it out" when he was 8 months and it was really hard (I tried with my older 2 and didn't manage) the first night he screamed to the point he made himself sick, the second night he screamed for 40 minutes and it got gradually less. It's really hard though, sleep deprivation is literally torture!

ThisBabyIsAnOctopus Sat 01-Jul-17 14:54:27

I promise you it gets better but can't promise you when. In the meantime do whatever you can to make things as easy as possible for yourself. flowers. It's awful and isolating but you're not alone

FATEdestiny Sat 01-Jul-17 15:12:49

I feel psychologically I might be better to just admit defeat and accept he doesn't sleep and stop trying?

I think there's a lot more psychology in baby sleep than many realise. Adult psychology that is, as in how parents react to and feel about their baby's sleep.

You'll have often hear me talking about my DD's sleep. I try not to be smug but she has developed some really healthy sleep hygiene.

If I rolled back to when she was 5 months, 6 months, 8 months... old. Then she was waking tons. She wasn't sleeping through. I couldn't tell you how often she woke because I paid no attention to counting/timing. But I know I spent days feeling varying degrees of knackered.

But if you wanted to search my posts from Spring 2015 (when she was 5-8 months) and I was going through this... You won't see posts where I talk about her shit sleep. that she's a rubbish sleeper... that it's all going wrong because she won't sleep through.

The opposite in fact. I would talk about how great her progress was, that she was now not having night feeds, that wake ups were quicker and easier to deal with... on the whole how well her sleep habits were developing alongside her mental/physical developments.

But she wasn't sleeping through.
I was still doing dummy reinserts every night.
I was lying on my bed next to her cot for half an hour as she went to sleep (which conveniently got me out of managing bedtime for the other children).
I was required for 100% of her bedtimes and naptimes, because she needed my presence and no-one else's. So no regular nights out or days off for those months.

I think this comes down to psychology and realistic expectations. DDs sleep habits are very similar to get older sisters in a very basic, biological level. But one was DC1 and the other DC4. There could not be a greater difference in my expectations and the way I viewed how well my two daughters slept as babies. Yet they were fundamentally very similar in terms of sleep needs as babies.

Chosenbyyou Sat 01-Jul-17 17:44:26

Feel for you - think Fate has some really good points.

I presume you need to go back to work in 6 weeks? I went back full time at 7 months and mine didn't sleep through til 14months old sad very tough going and almost broke me.

I didn't do any controlled crying or anything and did my progress very very slowly. Went from rocking to sleep for ages (mine woke once or twice but was awake for hours at a time) to sitting in the room. In the end she slept through at 14 months on her own. (I'm not smug - I now have another baby!)

My tips are accept - take baby steps to improve and look after yourself in all other aspects. I went to bed as soon as she did, eat well and healthy, take vitamins, drink plenty of water in night, confided in a colleague to help me out.

I survived it and even got promoted during my zombie time! This time I am going to have more time off tbh as I was at breaking point.

X

susannaR Sat 01-Jul-17 20:02:20

Thank you all so much for replying...I've read all your posts fully and it makes me feel better for sure ☺️ I think I'm struggling with my mums attitude to it all as much as anything else...I think the sleep deprivation does funny things to your mind? I'm normally a confident person but I feel like I'm some how failing DS by not teaching him to sleep better...questioning everything...is it because I need to stop breast feeding? Do I need to loose the dummy? Am I being too attentive and like my mum says..."I have created a needy baby" this added to returning to work pressure is really worrying me 😞
I'm a nurse so will be working shifts...I won't always be here for bedtime and may have to work nights some times too....I just feel so sorry for DS already as I know he is going to be hysterical when I'm not here 😭
Fate the cot is still attached to my bed but after I had about 10days of much improved sleep after the night weaning I decided to try him back in his own room- initial was grand, no better no worse....but the last week has been hourly wake ups starting from 7pm bedtime with a period of un-settledness of 1-2 hours around 2/3am (sometimes I have caved in and fed him I have to admit- and then he doesn't want am feed and it knocks the day off). DH isn't keen to 'go backwards again' and move him back to our room...but equally he wouldn't protest if I think it's the right thing to do? I think it might be tbh!
....blimey what a post! Feels good to offload tho Thankyou ladies!
DH is off upstairs for the 1st dummy insert of the night πŸ˜†

FATEdestiny Sat 01-Jul-17 20:32:07

The baby in cot in own room is fine and grand and no problem.... If if the child is sleeping.

Realistically, if you are back at work you are not going to manage nights where you are up and down and up and down all night. So I would put good money on baby ending up cosleeping. You'll be too knackered otherwise. And if you end up cosleeping, I can imagine you'll look back and think to yourself why did I battle against it so long?

If baby is in own room and sleeping, tger e is no issue

If baby in a cot in your room is better for you than baby in your bed, do that. You'll get no less sleep, just much, much MUCH easier dummy reinserts and resettles.

Baby will eventually learn to sleep through. I can't understand the rationale of people wanting to keep walking back and forth to a baby waking frequently in another room.

I just thought of another idea - a bed for you/DH in baby's room. If baby in own room is that important to you, that would be another way to get some sleep. It's another rationale I cant understand (wouldn't your own bed be more comfortable and convenient?), but lots of people do it.

"I have created a needy baby"

Yes, you have. You and DH conceived that baby.

In my experience some babies are needier than others. I've had 2 needy children, two not needy. But my attitude to my two needy children was markedly different (see above post)

I fought against my eldest needing me so much. I denied her my comfort. I felt stifled by her needs. I insisted she slept independantly early on. Because the teacher/disciplinarian/control freak in me said that was "right".

I learnt by the time DC4 came along (after two hands-off laid back babies) that fighting against it only made matters worse and harder for everyone. So there was no point or benefit. Just a complete waste of energy all-round.

I'm sure you can guess which of my two "needy children" sleeps the best. DC1 didn't sleep through until 2.6y, continued to wake regularly for reassurance for years and years. She'll be 13 soon. Still sleeps with the light on. Still comes to sleep in our bed on occassion (the boys never, ever do) in the middle of the night. DC4 has really healthy and secure sleep hygiene. Because I embraced her neediness and took things at her pace every step of the way. Evidentally she just needed 12 months. 1 year really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.

Loungingbutnotforlong Sat 01-Jul-17 21:47:39

I love that expression 'embraced her neediness'- I really think that is key for lots of parenting- when they need you, they need you- meet that need and they feel secure and loved and grow through it.
My second was the worlds worst sleeper- she got there in the end- I think me going back to work and nursery was a major turning point- she was so shattered, and in such a regular routine, and older, that something clicked and she started to sleep better. Now she is super. X

susannaR Sun 02-Jul-17 09:45:57

Embrace the neediness!...brilliant concept...just so hard to do lol! It's so true tho...I can't help but compare him to DD1 who was a gr8 sleeper at night (crap napper)...by 8 months we were most definitely 'back to normal'...enjoying occasional nights out, social events etc where she could sleep out at grandparents as I knew once she was in bed that was pretty much her until the morning.....DS is complete opposite...chuck him in cot with his dummy and walk out...goes straight to sleep and often naps 1.5-2 hours (sometimes I have to wake him!)....put him to bed at night and he goes to sleep the same but then wakes hourly?? Bizarre! DH will not do in the night either....wants his mummy ☺️
So last night he went to bed at 7pm and woke 8,9,10pm so I just fed him and put him in cot next to my bed again....and he slept until 3am! Yippee! So is is coincidence or is it because he just knows I'm next to him?? I did feed him at 3 tho...probably shouldn't have but was just so thrilled he had slept so long it was like a reward πŸ˜‚ he then slept til 5 but settled with dummy until nearer 6πŸ‘ ....so maybe that's the way forward. When I'm not there I guess DH is just going to have to do..no choice!
I didn't realise how selfish I was until DS has come along...I have to confess I'm a little bit resentful that I've got no life at the minute 😣 Don't get me wrong I don't want to be out clubbing every weekend but the occasional meal with friends would be nice....I've also missed my best friends hen weekend, spa day for my mums 60th, a retirement party for a lady I have worked with for 15 years....rightly or wrongly I hate the fact I know people must be thinking it's madness that I can't leave an 8month old baby, as if I'm somehow doing a bad job 😞
It was also our 10 year wedding anniversary last week and DH had booked an over night stay in a posh hotel in the lakes (months ago when he assumed by 8months we would be able to leave baby for the night!)...we had to move date to Sept and pay an extra Β£150!! So DS owes me 🀣....he probably won't be sleeping by Sept πŸ˜³πŸ™ˆ

FATEdestiny Sun 02-Jul-17 10:27:22

Really love the idea of rewarding him for sleeping so long with a feed, because you were so thrilled. That's lovely.

No reason you can't go out for special, occassional nights/days out. Whoever babysits will manage. It won't be a 'normal night' for baby when you're not there. But he will manage. Whoever's baby sitting will cope.

For non-special occassions when you just want to meet up with mates, I've moved all of those to breakfast or lunch dates. Mostly I meet my friends for breakfast nowadays - because I know toddler won't need to sleep so will be fine with playing with my mum. Occassionally lunch.

susannaR Sun 02-Jul-17 19:15:12

I know you're right...don't know why I'm so worried about him...he won't die will he?!...it just breaks my heart to even think about him getting in a state when I'm not there. Take tonight for example....we were invited to MILs for Sunday lunch at 3pm then a few drinks with family in the garden to celebrate SIL passing driving test..sure u wanted to know all this πŸ€”πŸ˜‚....anyway my mum said to leave DS with her for the afternoon and she would look after him and put him to bed...I agreed...yesterday...then today backed out πŸ™ˆ what's wrong with me?!! I just knew he wouldn't be happy and at bedtime won't take a bottle so presumably would mean a lot of tears 😒 So I took him with me and we had lunch then I've come home alone with him and just put him to bed at 7ish. DH is still with family having a lovely time and I'm sitting here on my own! I need to get a grip don't I?! X

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