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Controlled Crying not working. Help!

(2 Posts)
Bobojangles Thu 13-Apr-17 07:27:08

So after much thought and research we decided to try controlled crying (not interested in your opinions on this) the first night was awful but on night 2 he self settled in a few minutes for the first time ever. I should be clear that the aim has never been to get in sleeping through, just to get him back asleep without rocking or cosleeping so we all get more sleep. I still BF at night due to slow weight gain.

He then got sick and we ended up cosleeping again. It all went to shit and we had to do the cc again - and this time it took much longer. Basically every little hiccup sets him back, a i can't listen to him crying himself to sleep without purpose.

I'd like to try another technique, possibley gradual retreat but am not sure how this would work as he screams when he's put down and they advise picking up then, but we would end up doing pick up put down then?

He is 14 months old, they are angry little toddler crys not baby crys. He can self settle with no tears because he's done it before. Cosleeping and rocking to sleep are categorically not working for us

FATEdestiny Thu 13-Apr-17 08:37:54

I'd like to try another technique, possibley gradual retreat but am not sure how this would work as he screams when he's put down

Gradual Withdrawal begins with trust. You cant even begin any form of withdrawal, regardless of how gradual, until you rebuild the trust that you will always stay and give baby all the reassreassurance he needs while going to sleep in the cot.

With this trust that you'll always stay and always show compassion and reassurance, then you withdraw the amount of reassurance baby needs at a pace that baby is happy with.

The crying when put in the cot is currently a mix of
- when you put me in the cot, you leave
- sometimes when you put me in the cot, if I scream enough you cuddle me and that's the only way I get reassurance
- I mostly cry when I'm in the cot and not asleep.

So it's going to take some time and patience until he realises that you will always stay, always reassure, give eye contact and generally help baby not feel upset when in the cot. But without picking baby up.

I'd make myself a bed in the nursery or bring the cot into my room, if I were you.

Then at bedtime, accept that until you've developed the trust (which may take many weeks, but will come if you are consistant) you are likely to be bent over into the cot for a long time every night and wake up. Don't leave until baby is fully asleep.

So put baby into the cot. Place your hands quite firmly on baby's back/chest/side (whichever way round baby is sleeping). This reitterates the need to lie down but also shows you are there, you care, you at right here for baby. These firm hands should become the in-cot version of a cuddle.

You may want to add in the occassional shushhh if upset. And if upset raise and drop your fingers to make a rhythmic pat. Maintain caring eye contact throughout.

You therefore have "I'm here for you" body language by leaning into the cot, giving your sole focused attention. You have "I'm here for you" constant eye contact and positive facial expression. You have "Im here for you" physical touch with the firm hands that will stay there (and she can feel) even if she closes her eyes.

With all that, battle tgrough the tears until she realises that you won't give up or change no matter how long. You'll stay there being here for her until she is completely asleep no matter how long it takes, every time the same.

In time she'll learn that she doesn't need to battle at bedtime and that you will always give her all of the reassurance she needs and never leave her. The more established this trust is, the quicker she'll go to sleep.

One she trusts you enough to go into the cot without crying and go to sleep quickly (within 15 mins or so)... that is when you start Gradual Withdrawal.

Only once at that point do you start withdrawing. So maybe start with firm hands on chest/back when upset, remove when calm but stay bending into cot. Hands back if upset, withdrawn when settled.

Then bend into cot with firm hands when upset, straighten up and stand when calm. Back if upset, withdraw when settled. Always stay until fully asleep.

Then firm hand and bend into cot if upset, stand and turn away from cot (but stop right next to cot) when calm. Stay until asleep. Go back to firm hand if upset but withdraw when calm.

Then a step away from cot. Return if needed, stay until asleep.

Then wait by doorway. Then just outside doorway.Thenn busy yourself upstairs.

There is a speeded up version of this you could do. It's explained in a thread calked 'what worked for us'. It's similar but with more crying.

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