Leaving 6 month old to cry it out, against my better judgement.(11 Posts)
DS sleeps well. Self settled etc. He sucks thumb and snuggles his comforter and drifts off to sleep himself within minutes of being put in his bed. He's never been one to fall asleep feeding, or even in the car or pushchair. He likes to sleep in his bed with his comforter and his thumb. I can't for the life of me remember him falling asleep on me, he hadn't done it for months.
The problem I have is that, if he gets overtired (which I avoid at all costs so doesn't happen often), he will cry. He gets extremely grumpy if he's not put down before he gets to this point but unfortunately, now and again for whatever reason, we might run late for his nap.
If I put him down overtired, he continues to cry and no amount of picking him back up or rocking him makes any difference. If I put him down and go out the room, he continues to cry. I tried going back in every few minutes to shush him but if anything, it just makes him cry more.
If I go out the room and stay out, he's asleep in 10 minutes (but it's 10 minutes of crying).
I have never liked the idea of CIO. I never, ever did it with DC1 and just feel awful about it but it seems it's the only way he'll actually go to sleep and every other way involves crying for much longer and he just doesn't give in.
Am I doing the wrong thing here? As I said, I'm trying to avoid him getting over tired at all costs, which works most of the time, but I feel really bad leaving him on his own when he's upset. Just feels like their isn't another option.
I genuinely think some babies do need to 'sort themselves'. My DD is similar. I don't see it as CIO or CC. I've tried to comfort, support etc. but what she needs is some space to sort her head out. I don't think giving her that space is wrong.
spacefrog that sums it up really. It's like, he's the only person who can get himself to sleep and if anyone dare try to get involved in that process, it doesn't end well! Lol.
It just leaves me feeling guilty but I am offering comfort and he doesn't want it.
I've tried to rationalise it by looking at it that my role isn't to stop her crying every time. My role is to support her and allow her to develop skills and understanding. If she is in a place where she wants to control her sleep and she can do so safely without detriment then actually I should let her do that.
Doesn't make me feel any less guilty either
There will be other times he needs extra comfort. Being over tired is one. Also when he is having teething pain or when he's poorly.
If you don't develop any way to give extra comfort on the odd, occassional times he needs it - what do you plan to do when he's poorly and genuinely hurting? Will you just leave him to cry then too? That seems callous to me.
Yours is not a case of needing to do this often, but you still need something that you can do.
My DD is very good at settlibg herself. She never needs me. She's also very rigid in sleeping only in her cot, in the dark, without any distractions. It's rare she needs me, byt when she does I wouldn't just leave her crying.
The benefit you and I have with our self settlers is that we know the crying means something is wrong. Many itger parents her crying even when nothing is wrong, because their children cannot go to sleep easily. With your child, and mine, crying means extra comfort is needed. I would not ignore that need.
I either being dd into my bed, I sleep in her room, or she sleeps in a travel cot in my room. In none of these does she (or i) sleep as well as normal. But it's better than just leaving her upset and ignoring her when she's feeling sad.
It's not like it's very often.
I agree with all of your points Fate, hence my feelings of guilt. Hence the reason I've tried on numerous occasions to offer him comfort. Its got to the point where he'll be screaming for an hour, completely exhausted. I've cuddled, I've rocked until my backs felt like it's going to break, I've offered feeds, I've sat in the room and held his hand. Each and every time I've tried these things, he will not go to sleep and gets more distressed. How do I solve the problem? It seems that the more I offer to comfort him, the more distressed he becomes.
Just want to reiterate the point that I want to be able to give him extra comfort, that's why I've tried so hard to find what works for him. If he bumps his head whilst rolling around or anything, he wants nothing other than cuddles with his mummy and takes great comfort in this. He is very well attached to me and if he is teething, he has clingy days where he just wants to be held. It's purely when going off to sleep that he seems to not respond to my offers of comfort.
some babies calm down by having a good cry. They are not crying for you. They are crying because they need to let out tensions. If you go in and interrupt them you just prolong the process.
Having said that I would go in every 2- 3 mins and just say shhhh sleepy time now and lay my hand on them then walk back out. So I am there but not interfering.
Tried that lapin, I would have felt much better if that had worked but it only made the screams more intense. Such a tricky one to get right
Assuming this is just rare, occassional nights here are there, if in-you-face comfort isn't wanted, I'd just be there.
I have had times I simply sleep on the single bed in DDs room. I don't even do anything her, just be there. Sometimes I lie on that bed and hold her fingers through the cot bars. Even if just for a minute or two before she rolls away from me.
I am certain that any amount of "bothering" my dd going to sleep would annoy her. It definitely wouldn't help. I wouldn't pick her up or cuddle her. In fact I don't even being her into our bed
to ignore anymore. Being put her cot isn't any help for her.
But I do spend nights, or parts of nights, on the bed in her room when she's poorly, teething, or similar. Not necessarily expending much energy, just showing I am there for her while she's feeling rotten.
I've always gone by the 10 minute rule. When lo was tiny he wools fall asleep drinking his bottle. Since he got older, we always put him down awake and left him for 10 minutes. Yes he may moan or cry for a bit, but if there's nothing wrong he will settle himself to sleep within this time.
He's never had a dummy or comforter. He sucked his rhino until he was about 8 months then stopped by himself. And he's always self settled, and he slept through from 3 months.
I've never agreed with rocking or feeding a baby to sleep. And honestly see nothing wrong with letting him cry a little bit while settling himself down.
Obviously we have the video monitor on so we can see him. And if things got too bad we would come up, and if he wasn't settled within 10 minutes we would come back up. But it was very rare he wasn't asleep within 10 minutes.
(My mum did the same with us).
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