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Can't function

(84 Posts)
user1485000332 Sat 21-Jan-17 12:36:34

I cant do this anymore. DD is 12 weeks old. She won't sleep. I've had a total of just under 5 hours sleep since Wednesday morning. Its now Saturday lunch time. At what point is sleep deprivation dangerous?
I have ptsd and bad pnd but waiting till second week of Feb before I can see anyone from the mh team.
She has a dummy, won't tolerate swaddling, won't sleep in a cot/moses basket. Will only sleep when her pram is moving (rocking doesn't work) or usually for short periods in my bed. But she hasn't, apart from the odd hour here and there, since Wednesday slept unless I am holding her over my shoulder walking round or pushing her round in her pram.
I'm too tired to function, I physically keep throwing up if I try to ear or drink and I know it is just because I am tired.
She has seen a doctor, a nurse, and a hv in this time because I thought maybe with the crying something was wrong but there isn't anything. She just wants to be in motion.
My MH is worse than ever. Her dad has been screaming at me for the last hour because I put her down and just left her to scream for 15 minutes so I could go to the toilet sit in the bathroom wishing I had no responsibilities so I could end it all while sobbing hopelessly
He works nights and has just come off a shift so I know he needs sleep, I know I'm being unreasonable because all parents have sleep issues with their kids. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a mom.
Sorry to anyone who reads this I just need to write it down and get it out of me while he gives her a bottle because I'm going to have to have her back in a minute and I love her but the thought of sitting here bouncing her for another 24 hours is so demoralising.

Also I am a long time poster but for some reason my account wont let me sign in so I had to use this one.

FATEdestiny Sat 21-Jan-17 13:29:33

You need to see a doctor. Not about baby, about your mental health.

Phone the out of hours gp number or go to the nearest nhs walk in centre.

You need a prescription, that does not require the mn team. You do not need to wait. You can door NOW. Right now.

BendingSpoons Sat 21-Jan-17 13:37:03

When is your partner taking her for chunks of time so you can sleep? Obviously he is working, but when he is off, he needs to walk her around or ideally take her for a long walk in her pram so you can sleep.

maltedmilk1 Sat 21-Jan-17 13:44:11

Poor you!! Sleep deprivation is the absolute worse thing in the world and can really alter your mental state. It happened to me and I literally could not go on anymore.

Have you got anyone to help you with the baby just so you can have even three hours sleep. Your doomed if you can't sleep and I totally feel you with this. It's not normal to have this little sleep and still have to function but as mums we have to.

You are absolutely cut out to be a mum and this will pass although you probably won't believe me at the moment. You are everything your baby wants and needs you are the best person no matter how much you doubt yourself she wouldn't want anyone else.

I can't do much but tell you it will be ok. I have been where you are and survived. Please get someone to help you so you can just have a nap and things will seem a tad bit clearer

Whenisittimeforwine Sat 21-Jan-17 14:15:30

Bless you, you poor thing. You need sleep desperately. You are doing a wonderful job and this sounds like the hardest situation imaginable. My DS pretty much wouldn't sleep unless held/rocked/on the move for the first 12 weeks, but my DH and I did it in shifts - if he hadn't done that there is no way I could have functioned. Add PND into the mix and I'm not surprised you feel like you can't do this anymore.

Your DH needs to help, end of. Yes he's come off a shift and he needs sleep, but it sounds like you're on an endless 24/7 shift and that's not fair! You need sleep too! Dare I say it, more than him as you have PND/PTSD and your mental wellbeing is badly suffering at the moment. Please ask him to step in and share the load. You are not being unreasonable.

Sending you lots of flowers and hugs

Coconut0il Sat 21-Jan-17 16:56:43

Definitely get the help you need for your MH.

Your DH needs to step up and help you. He may work nights but that means you are with the baby all night while he's at work and during the day while he's asleep. My DP does shifts now, including a week of nights and it's the toughest week for me with DS2.
I'm back at work now but when DS2 was smaller DP would take DS2 as soon as he got in and let me sleep. Even if I had 2 hours I felt much better.

What time does he get in? My DP gets in at 8am if he took DS2 till 10 then went to bed I would wake him at 6. He leaves at 8pm so I could get another sleep before he went.

Talk to your DH. You need to find a way to get through this phase.

Honeybee79 Sat 21-Jan-17 18:16:52

I'm not surprised you feel like this - it sounds like utter hell.

Your DH needs to help; he's a parent too. Also, do you have a member of family/friend/neighbour who could walk the baby for a couple of hours?

If all else fails, could you afford to pay for some help?

Just a couple of hours could make a bug difference.

Please put your mental health first and get to the doctor. The early weeks can be horrendous enough without PND.

You will get through this and it will get better.

Beansprout30 Sat 21-Jan-17 19:03:48

I hope you are ok OP and have had some chance to get a little sleep. When my lg was tiny and wouldnt be put down I used my wrap around maternity pillow and lead her in my arms, with my arms supported by the pillow, sat up in bed and surrounded by normals pillows and I slept sat up. Probably not recommended by professionals but it was the only way I was able to get a bit of sleep, enough to function!

Hugs xxx

Beansprout30 Sat 21-Jan-17 19:04:33

Forgot to say, it WILL get better but make sure you get some help for your mh and help with baby if you can xx

LalaLeona Sun 22-Jan-17 19:06:51

Op I was just like baby only calmed down slightly if I moved. I was so tired I couldn't eat and I started hallucinating, I remember walking along the street and it looked like people's faces were melting! I felt hysterical and so incredibly low. Antidepressants helped, particularly fluoxetine. (Im off them now
..doesnt have to be forever)Also don't give up with the swaddle, have it pretty tight lots of white noise loud shushing and patting. I think some babies are so shocked to be in the outside world it takes them ages to settle. Don't give up op it WILL get easier one day. The first 6 months is the worst. Good luck

outnumbered38 Sun 22-Jan-17 19:48:29

You poor poor thing. Have you thought of trying cranial osteopathy? I have heard it can help with babies who can't be put down.

user1485000332 Sun 22-Jan-17 22:09:08

Thankyou everyone so much, I haven't replied because I honestly didn't know what to say but the fact you all replied made me cry for a definite good reason. I have managed another couple of hours sleep last night/today
I am on anti depressants but they want me on stuff that is a lot stronger because they aren't helping much hence why I am waiting for the mh team.
My partner gets home at 9am, has her for half hour to an hour while I wash up and sterilise her bottles, and have a shower every other day. Then he has a shower, and goes to bed. He'll then get up at 6pm, ill cook dinner get the laundry done, maybe run the hoover round once a week on a day I have time. Sit with her on my shoulder while I eat my dinner then he will shower again, spend a little while on his computer and head to work at 9. On his days off he will usually have her for at least 2 hours in an evening so I can cook, wash up, clean, and sterilise her bottles etc.
I have serious nightmares often when I do manage to fall asleep because of my ptsd. (first born died four years ago as a baby when she became seriously ill within hours of her birth). I keep seeing my newborn in firstborns place, wake up screaming as I've dreamt of holding her as I let them turn the machine off, or of leaving her at the hospital, or carrying another tiny coffin down the crem isle. Obviously this wakes her up even when I have managed to get her off and doze off myself.
My family are on the other side of the country and abroad, my old landlord evicted us when he found out I was pregnant so I don't know my new neighbours well enough to have them baby sit, and the few friends I have in this area just haven't wanted to know me since she has been born. Despite repeatedly trying to arrange to meet up, visit them, have them come here I have had one person visit me twice for an hour each time. I really don't have anyone who will have her because of this, and I couldn't face sending her to a stranger. When I wake up after having my nightmare the only way I can calm down is by seeing her, holding her, and reassuring myself she is ok. I know this only makes my situation worse and I'm not helping myself but I know I wouldn't sleep if I sent her away. I cant even sleep with her in a different room to me.
Swaddling was the only was to keep my firstborn who couldn't be held because of her support machines calm but the tighter you swaddle little one the more she screams. She likes to sleep spread out with her arms flopped wide on either side of her. Anything else and she just screams till she throws up.
Haven't heard of cranial osteopathy but I will definitely have a look.

Thankyou again for replying and reaching out. You can have no idea how much knowing there's people who understand and care means to me. Especially people who think I am still a good mom even when I doubt it myself.

anametouse Mon 23-Jan-17 02:17:44

I'm so so sorry for your loss. You sound like an amazing mum (and person) to me. I'm sorry sweetheart but I don't think your DH is doing enough - that's an awful lot of sleep he is getting! Also, why can't he cook and sterilise bottles etc? The domestic tasks need to stop right now, live off cereal if not cooking gets you an extra 10 minutes sleep!

You poor poor love, I'm so sorry you are going through this. flowers

SmallBee Mon 23-Jan-17 02:28:49

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Yoyr DH needs to change asap. Assuming he goes to bed around 10am he is getting eight hours sleep a day but you're getting none? This isn't acceptable at all. Is he aware of your mental health issues and how no sleep can make this worse?
When are his days off?
He needs to a) wake up earlier or go to bed later an allow you to sleep, even two hours a day is better than what you're currently getting. He can stop pissing about on the computer and use that time to let you rest as well.
And b) give you a few days where YOU get the long stretches of sleep.

I appreciate with your nightmares it'll be hard to sleep while she's in a different room but I'm afraid you'll need to force yourself for a little while. Can you ask your DH to set up a video monitor in the room he'll be looking after her in so you can see her if you get anxious? Or send you a text every half hour so you know everything is fine?

Please contact PANDAS and Mind who can support you as well.

You are doing an outstanding job.

HumpHumpWhale Mon 23-Jan-17 02:39:09

Oh my goodness. Having a non-sleeping baby is dreadful, but on top of what's already happened to you, that's just truly awful. I'm so so sorry for the loss of your first child. And I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through now.
I'm afraid I agree, your partner really isn't pulling his weight. He needs to put baby in a carrier or sit her in a bouncy chair while he does the washing up and cooking etc and you either sleep or lie on the couch at the very least.
Regarding the not sleeping while not being held, that will get better. My DD was like that although I must admit not for that long. Now at 7 months she's only waking twice for feeds and will sleep happily in her cot or in the bed next to me in between. She also sits up well and plays with her toys, so I can put her down and do stuff while she's awake. There is light at the end of the tunnel, though I think it's going to be harder for you than most because of your history. Hopefully better medication will help too, though.
Has your partner adjusted his schedule at all since your DD was born?

user1485000332 Mon 23-Jan-17 03:20:33

He has some MH issues of his own and also does a very physical job which he literally can't do for an entire shift if he hasn't slept. I have asked if he can do more but because he is working I'm just at home with her he really doesn't think it's fair. He only gets a tiny bit of time to himself as it is when he isn't at work because he has her so much.
I can't stop the domestic stuff completely because the health visitor is still doing house visits and moans when I haven't done the vacuuming or emptied the bins etc, she keeps telling me that now I'm so many weeks along (has been doing this since 6 weeks post section) I should be ontop of everything. Haven't cooked today or yesterday though so got an extra half hours sleep. He has Monday and Tuesday off but we need to go into the nearest city tomorrow (today? Monday) which is about an hour by train so the motion on the train and of walking round the shops should at least keep her calm and quiet.
I'll try sleeping in a separate room when we get home and he has her for an hour or two. There's only her bottles and a couple of his cereal bowls to wash so should be able to get a solid60-90 minutes in bed.
I'll try pandas in the morning thankyou I didn't know about them. Mind weren't very helpful when I tried though sad
Thankyou both for replying and being so kind flowers

user1485000332 Mon 23-Jan-17 03:33:37

Sorry it took me so long to type my reply I didn't see your message whale. Thankyou I am clinging to the hope she will be sleeping better by the time I go back to work at 9 months. I have been having her in a carrier while hoovering / cleaning when I haven't had a chance to do it and hv is due.
Partners work have not allowed him to change his schedule. He came home 2 hours early twice and took a day unpaid (offered to make up the hours another time) when she was four weeks old and I wasn't coping. They have sent him with a written warning about absence last week because of those three days because he didn't need the time off for sickness or a dependants sickness (we fought it hence why its only been sent last week) so he daren't take more time off and they won't allow him to reduce his contract.

SmallBee Mon 23-Jan-17 03:35:14

Definitely stop worrying about your health visitor, she can fuck off. You are much better of sleeping than hoovering and if she sees you struggling a bit age might be able to arrange more help.

Six hours sleep instead of eight is still a good amount of sleep - can you see your DH considering it?

Do you need to go with your DH and baby to the city? This sounds like an amazing opportunity to sleep.

I think you need to start putting yourself first a lot more and being a bit selfish, it's not a bad thing to be.

Christmascrackedit Mon 23-Jan-17 03:36:10

Your HV sounds like a prat. What country are you in? I would report her. You really don't //need// to be in top of things right now. And she should support you and tell your dp to help more, regardless of time off or needing time alone. I understand it's difficult to ask for help sometimes. But it really will get easier. It will suddenly switch to being easier. Sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what you must be going through reliving that in dreams. flowers

SmallBee Mon 23-Jan-17 03:36:36

Argh sorry for the typos, hope I made sense!

anametouse Mon 23-Jan-17 03:44:20

Sorry to be so blunt but your health visitor can fuck off! Does she know how desperate you feel? Chores don't matter! If I were you I would be putting a complaint in about her.

I'm sorry but I still think your DH needs to change. I'm not sure the type of job really matters, my DH does a very "thinking" type job and we know how hard thinking is without sleep. He's having DS for 2 hours before work to help me sleep and is also doing All the domestic chores. (And my DS isn't a bad sleeper for his age!) yes he will think it's not fair for him but life with a baby isn't fair. It's certainly not fair on you is it? I'm
Angry at the way you are being treated OP.

Please also make sure you tell all professionals how desperate you feel. I do wonder if there would be any chance of a mother and baby placement if you wanted it (where I assume the staff could support you getting some sleep

I genuinely think you are amazing, you are my hero - I'm complaining because DS wakes every 2 hours in the night! That's. Nothing to what you are surviving, you are bloody amazing. much love to you xx

user1485000332 Mon 23-Jan-17 03:58:24

I'm in the UK. HV just keeps saying that if I can't keep my home tidy and hoovered and keep ontop of things then she will have to get social involved to make sure DD has a good environment to grow up in. She's adamant that short term foster care/restbite care of DD would solve all my problems if I can't care for her myself hence why I really need to stay ontop of it all. I can't bear the thought of them taking her however short term and genuinely feel too exhausted/emotional to be able to sensibly argue this if they took it to court. I don't want to lose her however short term, I know its probably irrational but I am terrified that if I fail and they put her in short term care I won't get her back. We had a huge row when I was 1.5 weeks post cestion and she told me I had to hoover or she would be flagging a wellbeing concern. My house is like a showhome right now and I hate it, it feels so clinical because I've had to put all my nicknaks and photos away because cleaning round them took too long.
He won't do only six hours on a day when he works. He used to have 9 hours minimum when he had a shift to do so only being in bed six would cripple him.
I don't have to go to town with him but the alternative is staying here with her and I think the fresh air and getting out of this place might brighten my mood. Don't really want to sit in what feels like someone else's home when I don't have to. Plus she will sleep when we go out so I can have something to eat and a hot drink and probably consume both while they are still hot which sounds amazing even if its only a pasty and cup of coffee while we are walking round.

PetalMettle Mon 23-Jan-17 04:09:56

Massive hugs. Quite often with the sleep threads I think "buckle up and deal with it sweetheart" but this is horrendous. I couldn't cope 3 days like this and agree with others you're doing a great job.
Agree your DH needs to move to 6 hours sleep. Even with a physical job that should be enough. Forget about cooking and get some ready meals in.
Hv is being an utter cow. Do you know when she's coming? If so just hoover then.
Can you visit and stay with your family at all?

user1485000332 Mon 23-Jan-17 04:10:03

Thankyou a name.
I can't see him changing if I'm honest. I do keep asking and mentioning that I need him to do more but so far it's had no effect. He has helped bring up his sisters kids when him and her lived at home and thinks I am honestly making things seem worse than they are. I guess with my MH the way it is I could be overreacting and making a mountain out of a molehill.
I'm concerned about a mother and baby placement as aren't they usually to monitor that the mother can look after the baby? Therefore relying on them to help me sleep might put me in a worse position with ss than my hv is already threatening to put me in? If not I might request that if I fail and hv calls ss, better than losing her.
I have been VERY honest with her,the mh teams, doctors etc, hence why my MH referral is so quick (have known people wait 18-24 months round here).
In a way I think broken sleep is worse than no sleep, its so disorientating flowers I hope things improve for you quickly with your DS

user1485000332 Mon 23-Jan-17 04:27:21

Thankyou Petal, I only hoover once a week (she comes once a week) and I do know in advance, dp has been known to have little one for an extra hour when we know she is due so I can double check everything is tidy, toilet bleached, bins empty etc.
My parents are very religious cult members who went nc with me after first borns funeral because she was born out of wedlock, we've not long started talking again and things aren't brilliant because I'm still not married. I have no doubt they would let me stay but I don't think I could cope. I would have to talk to their religions elders and apologise for having relations out side of marriage and beg forgiveness for having my two dds then attend all the meetings with them and do bible study with an elder once a week plus personal bible study in between. They have always made it very clear rejoining the religion I grew up is a requirement of staying with them. My nan is still nc because of the religions beliefs and I couldn't afford a passport renewal and ticket abroad to go visit my other family on maternity pay

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