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14 month old will only sleep in our bed...

(16 Posts)
JJRJ1002 Sun 01-Jan-17 15:15:46

Hi all,

My dd was a brilliant sleeper until 9 months old, but then used to wake constantly (we didn't change anything she has always had the same bed routine)
After 2 months of being driven mad at being up all the time in the night, I couldn't take feeling like a zombie anymore as I had also returned to work, that I started putting her into my bed when she would wake up and she would sleep soundly in our bed. But now this has become a bad habit and she always wants to get into our bed ... She will sleep in her cot for the first half hour then she will wake, she will settle with me holding her but will wake instantly when put into her cot...until the only thing I can do is to put her into our bed where she sleeps soundly.
I have tried the letting cry it out thing and she gets herself into such a state that I end up picking her up.
Does anyone please have any suggestions of things I can do/try or any of you're stories on sleep training or crying it out to help guide me.
Thank you x

chopsface Sun 01-Jan-17 18:23:07

Following! I feel your pain. My 13 month old has been sleeping in our bed since I started back at work 2 months ago too. He just will not transfer to a cot asleep without waking and will not self settle in his cot, just shriek and fling himself around until we pick him up. No idea how to move on from here but we would like our bed back!

Tinks15 Sun 01-Jan-17 19:15:38

My 17 month old DD is the same. She starts off in her cot but then comes in our bed about 11/12. She is such a rubbish sleeper even in with us she constantly wriggles/fidgets then wakes herself up. I dream of the night she stays in her cot all night.

JJRJ1002 Mon 02-Jan-17 11:23:50

It's so annoying isn't it.

I hope we all get some peace in our own beds soon ... Fingers crossed X

FATEdestiny Mon 02-Jan-17 13:59:52

There is no magic wand and no quick fixes.

Getting your children sleeping in their cots will be hard work and involve quite a lot of your time and attention.

Each one of you three posters above decided to bring baby into your bed because it was just easiest, so you got the most rest. There is absolutely nothing wrong in doing that. But you must realise that the hassle you avoided then hasn't disappeared, it's just delayed.

So the first question to ask yourself is: is it worth the effort? If it wasn't a few mo ths ago, has something changed that now means you can better cope? Because it's of no benefit to anyone to do half-a-job in this.

There are loads of ways you can embrace cosleeping and make it work for you. Somewhere around school age (give or take) cosleepers naturally move to their own room with little more than some bribery.

You could also compromise on a half-and-half point. You could bring the cot into your room, remove one side and wedge it up to your bed. This sidecar cot means baby has their own space in the cot and your space in bed, but you can still cuddle up as needed.

If you do decide you now have the time and energy to devote to teaching independant cot sleeping, a process of gradual withdrawal would probably work best. Put "What worked for us mumsnet" into Google and a great thread comes up to explain this.

user1482420029 Mon 02-Jan-17 17:35:43

I have the same issue with my 14 month old. My issue is down to breastfeeding and not able to wean her off @ night. During the day she's fine but at night she's waking constantly and only settles when I'm nursing her. It's driving me crazy & so tired...even more so because I'm 12 weeks pregnant.

My sister in law gave me the worst advice ever. We've taken a massive step back. Coming from someone who never breastfed she kept telling us to leave her in the cot and cry it out. Well...it was awful. My daughter was wheezing. Shortly after she was sick! Whereas before I could leave her inside the cot, she's now terrified of it and sees it that I'm leaving her. She'll only sleep next time now and I'm angry for listening to pressurised advice from someone who doesn't understand x

FATEdestiny Mon 02-Jan-17 17:53:13

Coming from someone who never breastfed she kept telling us to leave her in the cot and cry it out.

It's not directly related to breastfeeding why that would never work for you, it's about comfort.

If you breastfeed through the night, that's not about calories and milk, mostly it's about comfort. Babies need comfort, they just won't sleep without it.

Some parents set up independant comfort mechanisms (like dummy, blanket, muslin snuggles, special toys) and some babies have self-comforting mechanisms (stroking or tickling themselves, repetitive movements, thumb sucking).

Other parents choose or end up being their child's source of comfort through cosleeping and/or breastfeeding (the basis of attachment parenting really). So the parent is required for the baby to sleep. When there is no independant alternate then there is no option really, since a preschool child can't sleep without comfort.

So while CIO or CC can work for older babies who have access to their ien comfort but have developed unhealthy habits. It will not work and only create mistrust and distress in an attachment patented child. It will make sleep worse long term for such children.

user1482420029 Mon 02-Jan-17 18:56:41

Thank you your message above, I really appreciate it. As you say, she is totally dependant on me for comfort. I tried introducing a dummy at around 12 months. I'm aware that she's not silly and a dummy isn't a suitable replacement. I have always tired encouraging her to hold a soft toy but she throws it. As for sucking a thumb or finger, she doesn't do this either. Do I just wait for her to stop when she's ready? She sleeps during the day when I'm at work. My parents just walk her up and down and she's asleep before you know it.
It was never an issue for me until recently. She's now waking hourly which is becoming really tiresome, especially when I've got work the following morning.
I get through it by telling myself it won't last forever 💤

FATEdestiny Mon 02-Jan-17 19:30:00

Do I just wait for her to stop when she's ready?

To be honest, that probably would be the easiest and least work for you. But it will be possible for you to teach independant settling, if you reach the Something Must Be Done point of desperation.

She sleeps for your parents because they replace once source of comfort for another. You provide attachment comfort, they provide movement for comfort, by way of pushchair walking.

You need to follow the same principle at night. If you want to stop being her source of comfort, you need to replace it with an alternate. The best option for that would be Daddy cuddles, could he take over until you night wean?

Keep going with a comforter soft toy - these come into their own once you stop breastfeeding for comfort and baby needs their own comfort. Maybe hold it to your breast and baby's cheek as you feed to make an association and help with comfort bonding.

user1482420029 Mon 02-Jan-17 20:18:49

Your advise is very refreshing, thank you so much.
My husband & I have spoken about him taking over. We actually planned on doing this across a few days he booked off work. My plan was to stay at Mums. It didn't happen 🤔
I'll persist with the soft toys.
Thank you so much x

JJRJ1002 Tue 03-Jan-17 11:27:47

my daughter is exactly the same its like she's afraid of her cot bed she screams and screams in it (even though she has been sleeping in it since she was 10 weeks old)
It's so true what you said about if the parent is a source of comfort then letting her cry in the cot will only make her more distressed.
I just don't know where to go from here?

FATEdestiny Tue 03-Jan-17 11:32:18

I just don't know where to go from here

You could bring the cot into your room, remove one side and wedge it up to your bed. This sidecar cot means baby has their own space in the cot and your space in bed, but you can still cuddle up as needed.

That would be a start towards independant sleeping. Is it feasible?

SheepyFun Tue 03-Jan-17 11:37:29

We decided to go for maximum sleep, and have some slightly unusual arrangements! We went to a sidecar cot when DD was 8 months old (we just took the side off her normal cot, and tied it onto the bed). Then when she outgrew the cot, we went for two full size single mattresses in her room (on the floor). She likes one of us to be there while she goes to sleep, and if she wakes in the night. This way we can sleep while she's going to sleep! At the moment DH spends some of the night in our room and some in hers. We've decided this works for us, but I appreciate it wouldn't work for everyone.

JJRJ1002 Tue 03-Jan-17 11:37:51

Her cot is in our room at the foot of our bed. The way the room is set up there is not enough space to put her at the side of us.

user1482420029 Tue 03-Jan-17 11:51:11

Funny you should mention the side cot. Last night I removed the front and she was happy to climb in and out: I measured the height and it fits perfectly next to our bed. Tonight I'll move it across.

I don't like the thought of letting a baby cry it out. I read a case study that a babies brain isn't developed enough to understand how to sleep without their comforts. But crying it out actually triggers the stress hormone in their brain which creates fear. I feel so pressured by in laws so I've stopped talking about it now. It may have worked for them, all babies are different. I've never had an issues settling her to sleep so why start causing her upset now by leaving her? I understand that I need to find a way to stop the night feeds but I don't think letting her scream until she's sick is the answer. If it worked for all babies then I'm sure healthcare visitors or anyone in that profession would highly recommend it.

Good luck and I hope something works for you and baby soon x

FATEdestiny Tue 03-Jan-17 13:40:31

JJRJ1002

If you cannot rearrange your room to make the cot side car to your bed, you do not want to cosleep and won't leave baby alone to cry - your only other option is to establish an alternate comforter and then sit yourself by the cot comforting and reassuring baby (in the cot) through all the tears until asleep.

It will be a process of gradual withdrawal. If you Google "what worked for us mumsnet" you'll find a really useful thread which explained the process.

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