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Co sleeping and feeling guilty.

(30 Posts)
NurseRosie Tue 22-Nov-16 19:33:26

My little man is 9 days old and was over 3 weeks early. We struggled with feeding initially but bf well now. He has not settled at night and despite having a co sleeping crib (next to me) I have him in bed with me. If I try to put him down he screams so I pick up and sooth him, normally with a feed and he falls asleep.if I then put him down he screams and the cycle starts again.
At the end of my tether I have reluctantly started co sleeping and hubby is in the spare room.
I feel so guilty and don't want this to be the normal for us. Baby is so clingy to me at night. I don't know what to do to get him into his own crib. Should I just roll with it for now? Any advice welcome.

PlugUgly1980 Tue 22-Nov-16 19:37:23

He's so little, it's completely normal for a new born to want to be held all night. For the first couple of weeks DH and I literally took it in shifts to hold our LG through the night, until she got use to her moses basket. Do what ever you need to do to get some sleep, co-sleeping is fine as long as you follow the guidelines and do it safely.

welshweasel Tue 22-Nov-16 19:39:31

Have you tried a sleepyhead? My DS was 5 weeks early and wouldn't settle in his cosleeper. The sleepyhead was a game changer. Rarely held him to sleep again. Please make sure you follow all the safe cosleeping guidelines especially if your babe is classed as prem.

milkshakeandmonstermunch Tue 22-Nov-16 19:43:17

DD2 is 4wo and has slept in my bed since she was 2 days old. DH sleeps in another room. I don't smoke or drink and there are no pillows or loose covers. Look into "the fourth trimester". Our babies don't even really know they've been born yet and want to be close to mummy.

TheOnlyColditz Tue 22-Nov-16 19:44:41

You literally have not done anything wrong. My youngest son slept in my bed until he was nearly 3. Please don't feel guilty.

MooPointCowsOpinion Tue 22-Nov-16 19:46:09

You're doing a lovely thing. You're putting his needs first and what he needs right now is to be as close to you as possible. You regulate his breathing, his temperature and his feeding by being so close. He knows you're safe, but everything else is terrifying right now.
They don't stay in your bed for ever, my co-sleeping children are both in their own beds now. One left our bed at 5yo, the other was 1yo, both when they're ready.

Heirhelp Tue 22-Nov-16 19:47:25

Don't feel guilty. Your baby is brand new and terrified of this new scary world where everything looks, tastes, smells and found different. The only thing in this new world that is familiar is you. Your husband is an adult for a few weeks or months he can sleep by his self and he is probably secretly happy if a good nights sleep.

MotherofPearl Tue 22-Nov-16 19:49:55

Congratulations on the birth of your DS, OP. flowers

Try not to feel guilty about co-sleeping. It is very, very normal, and provided you follow the safety guidelines, can be great for you and baby. It certainly gives you a lot more sleep than the alternatives. With my first DC I tried so hard to get her to sleep in her cot and eventually gave up as I was so exhausted. With DC2 and 3 I decided I would go with what works for me (and if I'm honest, what feels instinctively right for me), so co-slept with them from birth. Each time DP spent the first few months in the spare room, but then returned as they were older (although obviously they've always slept on my side). DC3 is 6 months old and sleeps next to me every night. When she wakes I just latch her on, she has a little bf and we both go back to sleep almost instantly. I don't really even properly wake up.

When they were about 18 months I transferred them to a junior bed with a guard rail, and they were fine. Anyway, as pp said, just do what works for you and your baby, and don't feel guilty about whatever you choose.

ISaySteadyOn Tue 22-Nov-16 19:51:08

What Moo said. Please don't feel guilty. Enjoy the new closeness of your baby. Plus ime if you do this, you get a better quality of sleep anyway.

MoMandaS Tue 22-Nov-16 19:52:25

My first child was like this. I was so scared of co-sleeping that I didn't do it until he was about 6 months old (and then only when desperate). It's my biggest regret. He needed me, needed to be close to me and I spent all but two 2-hour shifts of sleep in the night aiming to put him down in his basket. I was so sleep deprived, I used to hallucinate. He screamed or grizzled all night. When the next two came along, it suddenly felt like the most natural thing in the world to co-sleep, so I did. Interestingly, I noticed the guidelines had changed from 'don't do it at all' to 'this is how to do it safely '. DD slept in bed with me for first 8 weeks; DS2 for first 4 months. It was fine, I got more sleep, felt so much less tired, they were happy. Stop worrying about getting him into his crib. You'll know when it's time to try that. If it helps, my DH pointed out that baby mammals will feed most at night, when they can be safely curled up with their mother in their cave, she having gone out to hunt or whatever during the day. Your little man is a baby mammal! He just wants to be with you and that's natural and right.

MotherofPearl Tue 22-Nov-16 19:55:10

Cross-posted Momanda! Sounds like we had very similar experiences. smile

lauryloo Tue 22-Nov-16 19:55:30

Dd is 17 months old and hubby has just moved in back into our bedroom. You do what you can to get some sleep and they won't need you like that forever

NurseRosie Tue 22-Nov-16 20:07:06

Thanks for the reassurance everyone. I guess I was just feeling inadequate, the professionals push you not to co sleep and I was panicking. I know my baby is better off for it and I sleep better. It does feel natural to have him with me. My dh says the baby is like another limb for me at the minute. The 4th trimester stuff is really interesting x x

JeepersMcoy Tue 22-Nov-16 20:16:44

I coslept from my first night in the hospital with dd because she just wouldn't be put down and I was too cut to pieces to keep picking her up out of the crib to comfort her. When the nurse came round she just put up the side of the bed and told me to watch my dressing gown. smile

My experience with health professionals had been that while the official guidance says not to do it most are pragmatic and realised that often it is the best thing for everyone providing it is done safely. Do what you gets you through and don't be too hard on yourself.

Dh never moved out of our bed, we just got a bigger one and all snuggled up together like a family of bears grin

Heirhelp Tue 22-Nov-16 20:17:32

Most parents cosleep it is just people don't talk about it. I could not do it in the early days as I was so immobile. I remember my baby being in the cosleep and my husband cuddling me in bed and me feeling sad and cold when he stopped cuddling me so he could go to sleep. This was the point I realised that my baby needed to be close to me. If I felt sad then how did she feel when I put her down.

MoMandaS Tue 22-Nov-16 20:18:32

Yes, Mother! I used to be so shocked by the idea of co-sleeping, all literature etc. you get given going on about the danger. I wish I'd listened to my instincts instead and saved us both months of heartache and sleep deprivation!

lozengeoflove Tue 22-Nov-16 20:22:19

Co sleeping is perfectly natural and the norm in many cultures. It's a wonderful way of connecting with your baby and also getting some sleep yourself. I slept with both my babies from the day they were born. Currently co sleeping with seven month old - he's never slept anywhere else other than in my arms, my bed or the sling.

Don't beat yourself up - you are doing brilliantly. Congratulations and enjoy lovely snuggles flowers

seven201 Tue 22-Nov-16 21:12:46

I too was not going to co-sleep. But for the first week or so my dd simply had to sleep on top of me. The number of times I woke up terrified as she was on top of me or I had a moment of thinking I must be lying on her etc. She's now 5 and a bit months and sleeps in a sleepyhead in a bedside cot (as planned before she arrived). If she refuses to go back to sleep after say 5.30am I pop her in with me (as husband out of bed by then). She naps in her room and in a few weeks will be sleeping in her big cot in her room (in theory!). Just saying that just because you do some co-sleeping when they're so very new, doesn't mean they'll be in your bed until their teenagers although that could happen to me.

TheABC Tue 22-Nov-16 21:21:34

It's the only way to sanity in this household. DD is six months old and spends most of the night feeding or cuddling my boob. I barely move now when she fusses - its all about the sleep! DH misses my boobs, but he also needs to sleep and he wakes up when she grizzles. We are far nicer to each other and function better as a family as a result. It also leads to creative sex...but that's a whole other thread!

ElectronicDischarge Tue 22-Nov-16 21:25:42

I was never going to co sleep. It was for hippies

Except I soon realised that I needed sleep. Co sleeping was the easiest way to cope. . My child is 15 months, starts the night off in the cot but I'll bring them into bed when I'm too tired to stand and nurse them back to sleep

Etak15 Tue 22-Nov-16 21:27:59

Awe this thread is so nice makes me tearful (and broody!) even though I've got dc4 almost 2 still sleeping with me! Agree with everyone else, enjoy the cuddles

miffy29 Tue 22-Nov-16 21:34:04

Co-sleeping is most risky if you accidentally fall asleep on an armchair or sofa and if you've taken drugs/alcohol or you smoke. The overall risk of SIDS is now just 300 babies a year (out of 700,000) and at least half of SIDS can be accounted for by the above. Putting a baby in their own room is just as dangerous as co-sleeping, but both are more dangerous than in the same room as you but in a crib.
My DS screamed if he wasn't held for about the first two weeks. I co-slept with him for most of the first 7 months, he settled ok in his own room then. I also co-slept alot with my DD particularly when she was cluster feeding when newborn, but she needed it less and was easier to settle. If you can, read the chapter on safer co-sleeping in The No Cry Sleep Solution for tips on how to minimise the risk, not because I think you should do everything Elizabeth Pantley suggests, but because I think it might make you feel better about doing something most of us do at least a little bit. The main things are don't let the baby overheat or suffocate. The early weeks can be so monumentally stressful, but it gets better flowers

miffy29 Tue 22-Nov-16 21:35:47

And I loved co-sleeping too. Might as well relax and enjoy.

welshgirlwannabe Tue 22-Nov-16 21:43:49

Tbh I don't know many mums who didn't co-sleep at least some of the time. It's often the only real option, unless you have one of those mythical 'good sleepers' grin

I moved my baby to a cot when he was six months and had two glorious months of being able to stretch out in bed and wrap a duvet around me... ahhh...

Unfortunately at 8.5 months he's now decided he'd rather be back in bed with me. Sigh. But I guess my point is go with what gets you all the maximum amount of sleep and trust that it won't last forever!!

NurseRosie Tue 22-Nov-16 22:06:16

It's lovely to read all the good experiences you have all had. I do feel better now. I promise not to stress out about it and enjoy it x

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