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fuck of with your 'helpful' opinions

(45 Posts)
FindingNormal Fri 26-Feb-16 16:15:57

I've posted on here before about my 9 mo's shit sleep and don't make a secret of the fact it's killing me night by night. However I just need a rant given I keep getting 'advice' where I don't ask for it and it's starting to fuck me right off. Example from today - was at a sensory centre and some stranger starts chatting to me- that's fine , I mean I'm not big on small talk if I'm honest but hey ho. Get the usual isn't my daughter cute - yes, yes she is blah blah blah. Then comes the 'is she good?'. I fucking hate this- I always feel like saying "well, no she goes out and robs petrol stations of a weekend" but smile and say oh yes she's lovely. Then get the - 'does she sleep?'. So I say no she doesn't really and immediately this fucking random person starts telling me I should let her cry and that i should introduce some tough love. Why the hell do fuckwits get off telling me what to do like that? My personal view is that I'd be being cruel to let her cry. She needs me and wants comfort from me so that's what she'll get. I absolutely do not judge anyone who does cc or cio but it's not right for me and my family. Why do i get looked at like I'm a dick for not letting her cry? And why do randoms think I'll appreciate their precious little pearls of wisdom. Wankers.

capsium Fri 26-Feb-16 16:22:49

Crikey, but much if people are asking whether the baby is 'good' or sleeps. I would just say 'Yes,' if you want to shut them up, I assume she is not awake 24 hours.

Regarding letting them cry and all that malarkey, no I didn't. Too loud. Fed to sleep, sang to slip, pushed around pram to sleep. I remembered the pram and singing as my mother did that with younger sibling, this sibling also liked to sleep to the washing machine noise (oddly). Not that this is advise just my experiences really, there is no one correct way.

emummy Fri 26-Feb-16 16:26:11

Ah, once you have a baby you are a target for all kinds of advice, about eating, sleeping, cuddling, etc etc etc. it's annoying at the best of times, but when you are sleep deprived it's even worse. If you feel comfortable with how you are managing your daughter then carry on, smile and ignore the advice. And I hope her sleeping improves for you soon

FindingNormal Fri 26-Feb-16 16:29:00

Sorry- come across as a bit batshit don't I? I'm not a totally horrible person honest!

Finola1step Fri 26-Feb-16 16:32:58

Oh I remember it well! The "rod for my own back" comments. As if I was deliberately waking up ds or dd at 3am for a chat and a cuppa.

afternoonsun Fri 26-Feb-16 16:34:14

Just nod, smile, ignore and change the subject when you get a word in edgeways.
People use a new mum as a cue to unload every single experience they ever had with their own children regardless of how long ago it was, how you like to do things or whether you actually want to hear it. I find it quite tiring, especially with MIL.

You know your child best, you're doing what's best because it's what's right for you and them.

capsium Fri 26-Feb-16 16:34:23

They might be the type of person that enjoys a competitive moan or boast( whichever is most applicable) as their favourite mode of conversation...or fancy seeing themselves as the font of all knowledge because usually people ignore them.

AliceInHinterland Fri 26-Feb-16 16:37:51

Totally agree, it really knocked my confidence, as if I was totally incompetent.

Wolfiefan Fri 26-Feb-16 16:40:04

Maybe they actually think they can help?!
People will interfere and criticise once you have kids. I think your reaction is extreme.

ImperialBlether Fri 26-Feb-16 16:41:03

I remember being so exhausted with my son when he was about 4 months old that the health visitor said she didn't want me to drive in case I crashed the car. She suggested controlled crying and I really didn't want to do it. My son was very clingy and I thought he'd be destroyed if he felt I wasn't there for him. Anyway, we agreed that I'd give it a go for a week. I really believed it wouldn't work and that it would be cruel.

That night he cried for an hour and my husband went in every three minutes to pat him on the back and try to soothe him.

The next night he cried for 40 minutes. That boy could really go for it full pelt - it sounded as though he was being murdered. Again, my husband went in every few minutes.

The next night he went into his cot laughing. He went to sleep singing away to himself and we never had any trouble getting him off to sleep again.

I know people think controlled crying is cruel - I did, too. However, if you can get your child into a good sleep pattern, that can be one of the greatest gifts you can give them.

And now he's 23 and still speaking to me and doesn't bear a grudge that I left him to cry!

ImperialBlether Fri 26-Feb-16 16:41:03

I remember being so exhausted with my son when he was about 4 months old that the health visitor said she didn't want me to drive in case I crashed the car. She suggested controlled crying and I really didn't want to do it. My son was very clingy and I thought he'd be destroyed if he felt I wasn't there for him. Anyway, we agreed that I'd give it a go for a week. I really believed it wouldn't work and that it would be cruel.

That night he cried for an hour and my husband went in every three minutes to pat him on the back and try to soothe him.

The next night he cried for 40 minutes. That boy could really go for it full pelt - it sounded as though he was being murdered. Again, my husband went in every few minutes.

The next night he went into his cot laughing. He went to sleep singing away to himself and we never had any trouble getting him off to sleep again.

I know people think controlled crying is cruel - I did, too. However, if you can get your child into a good sleep pattern, that can be one of the greatest gifts you can give them.

And now he's 23 and still speaking to me and doesn't bear a grudge that I left him to cry!

ImperialBlether Fri 26-Feb-16 16:41:25

Apologies for double post.

capsium Fri 26-Feb-16 16:43:10

Not that extreme really, Wolfie, OP was polite in real life. I remember unsolicited advice being extremely annoying, and embarrassing if you did not agree at all. People I knew complained about it, people complain about it all the time on here..

ThinkAboutItTomorrow Fri 26-Feb-16 16:46:57

I'm on DD2 and she's been a revelation. I suddenly understand the 'advice' because for easy peasy baby 2 it actually works.

I remember my MIL basically thought i was making a meal of DD1 and her sleep, all the pacing and bouncing to get her to sleep, an hour bouncing for 45 minutes sleep was common.

MIL said pointedly that she remembered one of hers falling asleep on the playmat. I didn't know whether to cry, laugh or punch her as there was no chance in hell DD1 was ever going to do that. On Wednesday DD2 gurgled a bit then fell asleep sucking her thumb on her playmat. I'm sure you know this but it's not you, it's them, the baby that is, some are easy and conform to the advise, others not so much.

Take care.

FindingNormal Fri 26-Feb-16 16:48:36

Thanks cap I was indeed smiley and noddy in real life and just came here for a rant. And I know that cc works for some folk and that's fine- it's just not for me, mr normal or little normal. But that's not even the point - the point is I didn't ask for their advice and feel criticised when I'm already in a vulnerable sleep deprived place.

sandylion Fri 26-Feb-16 16:54:44

Yes people are fuckwits. Best piece of advice for receiving advice is chew the grapes and spit out the pips. Now my story...

I have a 7 month old who was driving me doolally with his sleep and I had tried the gentle methods. He was taking up to 5 hours to get to sleep and going mental anyway. Also waking through the night but never to feed. I tried my own watered down version of cc a week ago and he was asleep in 20 mins. He slept like a log all night. Then it's been five minutes settling him every night since. I now kind of think what he needed wasn't me in his face all night but actually he needed me to let him learn to settle.

Now feel free to spit out that pip...

capsium Fri 26-Feb-16 16:57:06

That's ok, FindingNormal. They are in no place to criticise at all. They don't know you or your baby. There is no one method that is guaranteed to get a baby to sleep, hence all the boards on here and all the varied advice! It is trial and error for all of us, there are lots of things to try, babies are all different.

sandylion Fri 26-Feb-16 16:57:48

And sorry that's not an opinion just an anecdote as I was like you 100% against cc but I was on my knees and my husband said "he's crying anyway Sandy, and it's not like you're ignoring him totally." Which is true you do go in to comfort them.

Shirkingfromhome Fri 26-Feb-16 16:59:24

I've got a non-sleeper too, except mines 2.5yrs and now sleeps half in his bed and half in ours. He was great up to 6 months and then in all went to pot. I did nothing different. He goes down fine, on his own, I'm not in the room, all the usual guff.

It's rubbish but I don't think there's anything you can do. They either sleep or they don't. It sucks. Either lie and say their fine or smile when you get given advice. There's a lot of experts out there wink

dylsmimi Fri 26-Feb-16 17:05:45

It's so hard and worse when the unsolicited 'advice' comes when you are sleep deprived.
You have my complete sympathy- my 3 yr old still doesn't sleep through - it was mentioned on facebook and my friend with a 2 month old said 'we must be lucky as X sleeps 7-5.30 and then back again till 7'
I was torn between crying, putting something very mean or ringing her phone everytime ds2 got up that night' !
In the end of course I gave my phone to dh till I calmed down and remembered all the positives that ds2 has and how much I love him and surely ONE day he will sleep! grin sad
So ignore it and smile and nod is my advice - sorry it's longwinded !

kbro79 Fri 26-Feb-16 19:05:14

I honestly think this is why people get sucked into lying - not got they want to be the 'perfect facebook mother' or because of 'mummy wars' ( whatever they are) but because of the endless advice you get which is both unsolicited and often when sleep isn't even brought up by you. Completely feel your pain both on the advice front and the sleepless nights front!

SusanAndBinkyRideForth Fri 26-Feb-16 19:09:58

The one I hate most is "you just need a good bedtime routine". Yeah OK, gosh - ID never thought of that!

Actually still getting that now as dd2 is awful at going to bed if she's had a nap...

Effiethemonster Fri 26-Feb-16 19:20:33

Oh god it's SO hard not to snap, I sympathise.

EsmesBees Fri 26-Feb-16 19:25:56

Part of it I think is that people are looking for things to say. It can be hard to make conversation when the only thing you have in common is having a baby. Is is annoying though. I second the lying suggestion up thread.

kbro79 Fri 26-Feb-16 19:30:13

I did find this made me smile through my sleep deprived haze!

www.emilywrites.co.nz/how-to-get-your-baby-to-sleep/

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