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I want to hurt my baby

(364 Posts)
ShameOhShame Sat 12-Dec-15 03:10:24

It's been another shitty night in a row, waking up every 1-2hours, crying fussy baby, takes ages to put him down to sleep, same thing days and nights, fucking hours of rocking the bastard to sleep only for him to scream suddenly and wake up again, I've had enough, I'm on my knees with exhaustion, I love him when I'm awake and trying to function normally but at night when he wakes me yet another time I fucking hate him, I hate him I hate him I hate him, I have to put him down before I do something terrible to him, I want to leave my house in my pyjamas in the middle of the night and never return, I want to leave him in the street for someone else to take care of him, I want to call my health visitor and tell her that I'm thinking about killing my baby and myself cause I won't be able to live with that so the ss take him away for ever, the worst thing is it's true, I want to put an end to it, I'm fucking exhausted I just can't do it any more, I wanted this baby so much and here I am now talking about killing him but he will kill me with exhaustion otherwise so it's me or him really, no one cares how I feel in all this, I need to protect myself, he's thriving while I'm wasting away

Sleepingbunnies Sat 12-Dec-15 03:13:59

Oh lovey flowers I have been there with the mind numbing exhaustion. It really does make you think all sorts. Are you on your own or do you have a DP?

I have no useful advice but I wanted to let you know you are not alone.

LucyBabs Sat 12-Dec-15 03:14:37

Yes yes yes shame
I've been where you are now. I had a dd whonwasmy nightmare baby ds. He never slept and cried constantly. I can resend when out in the car by myself wanting to just drive into the car in front

LucyBabs Sat 12-Dec-15 03:16:00

Sorry shame my tablet is not cooperating! I will be back tomorrow.. I have been where you are now.
Hold on flowers

BBQueen Sat 12-Dec-15 03:16:43

How old is your baby? What support do you have? We can help you to improve his sleep but please remember it gets so, so much better.

It's absolute torture being sleep deprived. I don't mean that in a flippant sense, it really does break so many people but you can get through this and will come out the other side.

Jenda Sat 12-Dec-15 03:17:50

Didn't want to read and run, you aren't alone in this. I think probably lots more women feel this than would admit it. Do you have anyone who can help with taking the baby for a few hours you can sleep? How old is he or she?

You're doing well by putting him down before you hurt him, can you do that now for five minutes and get yourself in another room, even if just to make a cup of tea?

TheXxed Sat 12-Dec-15 03:20:12

Are you alone? I remember thinking I gave birth to the most miserable baby in the world he NEVER settled ever. My saving grace as leaving him alone with family for a few hours every few days. It saves my sanity.

OgreIt Sat 12-Dec-15 03:20:19

I'm so sorry you're having such a horrendous time. I've been there too (I'm at a residential sleep school right now trying to break a night feeding habit. We live overseas and it's a thing they have available here.). Does your baby have reflux or another medical reason he might be uncomfortable in bed? It's absolutely hideous when they take ages to settle and then wake again. How old is your baby? Can you safely cosleep for now just to catch up on a bit of sleep?

flowers

ShameOhShame Sat 12-Dec-15 03:20:27

Husband snoring next to me happily. I'm alone with the baby 10hrs a day plus all the night (breastfeeding and cosleeping). Husband does 1 nappy change at night, I had to force him to take this task with arguments and crying, otherwise he would be happy to leave this to me too. He is working you see so must sleep wellangry

duckyneedsaclean Sat 12-Dec-15 03:22:07

Step away, love. Have a hot chocolate. Make it till morning.

Get someone to help in the morning and go to the gp, be honest with them. And be honest with your family.

TheXxed Sat 12-Dec-15 03:23:08

Can your husband sleep in another room? I co slept with my DS he would literally sleep with my tit in his mouth.

duckyneedsaclean Sat 12-Dec-15 03:23:18

Cross posted.

If he's there wake him up now. Tell him you are so exhausted you think you might do something awful.

Then go and sleep.

ShameOhShame Sat 12-Dec-15 03:24:30

Baby has no medical problems that I know of just generally gassy. He probably hit the 4 month sleep regression (ha! Regression from what?! Never had more than 3hrs sleep in a row and even that's rare!)

weeblueberry Sat 12-Dec-15 03:24:58

Have yog told him just how desperate you feel? How it's ruining you? If he's happily sleeping next to you does he understand just how often the baby is up?

Am not sure how old your baby is but I agree with the others you are not alone. Also it's the weekend-if your husband isn't working tomorrow there's no reason you shouldn't be doing this together tonight!!

whatdoIget Sat 12-Dec-15 03:25:42

How old is your baby? It's so hard and so relentless when they're very young. Do you have any support from partner/family? Hopefully you're getting some sleep now. It gets so much better as they get a bit bigger. Is there anything that you think might be causing him not to sleep, like reflux for example? flowers

Sleepingbunnies Sat 12-Dec-15 03:25:57

Fuck that OP wake his arse up!!!! You are in this together. It should not all be on one person. My DH has just got up to take our eldest to A&E even though he has a shift in 5 hours. You are aupposed to be a team!

Nanofone Sat 12-Dec-15 03:28:27

What you are feeling is incredibly common and you've taken the first step to feeling better by acknowledging those feelings. Your next step is to tell your DH and your doctor. Your doctor won't judge you - they've heard the same story so many times. Do you have any family or friends nearby? Could they take the baby out for a walk so you can have a break during the day?

whatdoIget Sat 12-Dec-15 03:30:20

My ex used to take a turn at having ds overnight when we were together, so I could have a full night's sleep. Will ds take a bottle of expressed milk or formula?
You need some proper sleep and your husband needs to take his turn!!

ShameOhShame Sat 12-Dec-15 03:33:37

No family here, everyone thousands of miles away. Only friends have babies themselves so don't want to impose my fussy monster on them. Husband may start getting the idea of my state as I had a huge meltdown last night, I was hysterical, something just switched off, never had that in my life, he got scared I think. Resulted in husband waking up by himself to the crying baby at 1am to check his nappy but all the settling down is up to me as I can feed the baby (not that it helps any more). So he's asleep, I can't after 1hr of settling the monster down.

I cosleep and breastfeed and it results in a baby who wakes up every 1-2 hrs for a bloody snack just because he can. Here are all my ideas about being close to my baby, natural etc. going out if the window. Can't give a fuck about being natural any more, I just wan't to sleep, hell with anyone else

ShameOhShame Sat 12-Dec-15 03:35:20

Baby won't take a bottle, we tried many times

weeblueberry Sat 12-Dec-15 03:38:15

Have you tried a dummy? Or putting him in his own room (he might be stirring because you are)?

You mentioned the 4 month regression but not sure how long it's been going on so can't see how old he is?

Atenco Sat 12-Dec-15 03:38:59

Another one here who found it hard at times. Don't try to be a perfect mum, try to be a good enough mum. When you get angry with your baby walk away until you have calmed down.

Not2bObvious Sat 12-Dec-15 03:39:03

I'll probably be shot for this but do you think you could consider a bottle at night? Breastfeeding nearly drove me to drink at stages. My heart goes out to you, the night hours feeding with a fussy cranky baby can drive a person to a a dark hell, which it sounds like where you are. If you could pass over a feed or two to your other half and get some sleep, you might get a catch up on rest - I really struggled being the only one who could comfort/ feed our 2nd child and 4 months was where I decided to slowly wean her 1 feed at a time off bf. Again (cause I'm sympathetic and v supportive of bf but not at any/ every cost) just 1 opinion

ShameOhShame Sat 12-Dec-15 03:40:43

I'm just tired so tired on so many levels. Feels like I have to fight for everything, my husband is ok but I have to shout, cry and put my foot down if I need help or rest, I have to force him to acknowledge how bloody tired I am and to do sth like the nightly nappy change as if left alone he would happily let me do all of this until I crumbled with exhaustion. I'm so resentful. Why do I have to fight to get help, why can't he just recognise he needs to step up?

Purpleboa Sat 12-Dec-15 03:41:29

I hear you. The anger is so strong isn't it? I feel so guilty for feeling this way...to hear that I'm not alone really helps.

My DD has always been a crap sleeper, but the last week we've hit a new low. I'm feeding her now, in a freezing cold room, my head is pounding and I don't have a fucking clue what my next move is going to be. It's absolute torture.

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