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I can't do it anymore

(40 Posts)
TychosNose Sat 21-Nov-15 12:59:10

Ds is 21 months and still wakes every 2 hours for a feed.

Tried not feeding - he just screamed for hours then slept for 10 mins then screamed again. For three nights. Then I gave up.

I have nothing left. I'm totally broken.
I get so cross with him. We're sitting in his room now both crying because he's refusing to nap. We spend a lot of time sitting in his room crying.

It's a living hell and I don't know what to do. I feel so bitter that I never ever get any proper sleep. It's such a miserable existence.

I'm feeling really sorry for myself and desperate today.

Don't expect anyone to have an answer just needed to have a whinge and I have no one in rl to complain to.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie Sat 21-Nov-15 13:03:44

Can you cosleep? 12 month old Dd latches herself on now so sometimes I don't even wake up.

Also, boobin all day, boobin all night by meg naigle is good for gentle sleep tips for breastfed babies.

TychosNose Sat 21-Nov-15 13:13:13

We do co sleep but I always get woken up.
Will look at the book - title sounds relevant!

Couldashouldawoulda Sat 21-Nov-15 13:25:59

You poor thing. I got to the end of my tether with DS1 at about 18 months, and we consulted Ann Caird of Naturally Nurturing, as I'd seen her recommended on here. She's lovely, with very gentle methods, and has helped us a lot. Why don't you consult her, or one of the other, many sleep consultants? I was resistant to it, but then when I did, I wondered why I'd waited so long. I have loads of sleep books, but reading them got me nowhere. There's something about having someone from outside who's morally supporting you and telling you what to do next which really helps. Best of luck with it.

TychosNose Sat 21-Nov-15 13:42:22

Thanks for the advice.
I'm not sure I have the money to pay a sleep consultant and I'm pretty sure I don't have the strength to follow through the sleep training. We had a consultant with my dd and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. And she was nowhere near this bad and neither was I. Now I just want to curl up and die most of the time. Even the idea of trying to make a phone call is too much.

Queendedede Sat 21-Nov-15 15:19:51

I know where you are coming from to some degree. DS2 is 19mo and can still wake every 2 - 3hrs some nights. Longer stretches are creeping in once a week on average but this is always at the start of the night, most of which I'm not in bed sleeping yet so can't deal the benefits! We don't co-sleep so I have to physically get up and go to his room to settle him back down. This can take any amount of time from a few seconds to up to an hour if he is in an unsettled mood. More often than not I can just lay him down, tuck him in then walk out again but it still results in broken sleep night after night. I breast fed but stopped night feeding at 10 months and now he only has one feed before bed, hoping to stop that any day now really.... When I can be bothered that is!

Haahooooo Sat 21-Nov-15 15:27:38

Poor you... The 'no cry sleep solution' is quite a good book as it offers a menu of options to try.

Also if possible try and get someone else to do the night shift if you do decide to try to wean again.

Good luck

TychosNose Sat 21-Nov-15 20:48:46

Sleep deprivation is such torture isn't it queen?
Sadly no one else to do night shifts.

I'm currently still trying to get him to sleep. Been trying since 7. Every part of my body hurts with exhaustion.

LetThereBeCupcakes Sat 21-Nov-15 20:55:30

Is there any pattern that you can figure out? My DS was exactly like this. Eventually a friend suggested he might be dairy intolerant or CMPI, so out of desperation we cut out dairy. On day 20 he slept through the night for the first time.

Is your HV / GP any good? Our HV was useless, it was only when she went on holiday and I spoke to her stand-in that things started to happen.

You haven't said if your bf or ff, but I'm assuming bf. Do you want to continue?

GorillaWar Sat 21-Nov-15 20:56:38

Oh you poor thing. I have absolutely no words of wisdom given that my child is a lot younger (he wakes every hour or so). I just wanted to send you wine and flowers sentiments. It must be so exhausting, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Queendedede Sat 21-Nov-15 21:16:40

LetThereBe how old was your DS when you tried dairy free? Did he have anything else other than frequent night waking? I don't really notice any correlation between diet and good/bad nights tbh and at 19mo it would maybe be more obvious that it was a dietary thing?

Queendedede Sat 21-Nov-15 21:17:17

Sorry for the hijack!

saranga Sat 21-Nov-15 21:54:13

Could you have a friend or family member come over to do one night while you stay somewhere else? One good night's sleep might help.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 21-Nov-15 22:45:43

I hit breaking point when DS was 9 months old and I also spent a lot of my time crying due to exhaustion and frustration.

I paid £90 for a 2.5 hour telephone consultation with a Sleep Specialist and within a week my DS didn't need feeding to sleep, could self settle and reliably slept through from 7pm to 6am.

It was the best money I ever spent!!!

LetThereBeCupcakes Sun 22-Nov-15 06:59:13

Queen he was 14 months. He'd developed quite bad nappy rash over the previous month or so. We'd been trying to wean him on to cows milk to drink, prior to that he was ebf, which I think hid it. We'd had a day at my mum's and she'd fed us lots of dairy rich foods. That night was horrific! I'd been chatting to a friend about it and she suggested trying dairy free. So we did thank goodness!

Our GP and original HV said it couldn't be that, as we'd have figured it out before. I was too sleep deprived to remember my own name some days so not surprising I didn't figure it out. They soon realised their mistake and quickly referred us to a nutritionist who was brilliant.

He's grown out of it now (3.10) and has no dietary issues at all.

Queendedede Sun 22-Nov-15 07:58:19

Thanks! How long did you do dairy free for before introducing it again and what were his nights like prior? As in he obviously woke up a lot but what was his behaviour like? (Sorry for all the questions, just trying to pinpoint if it is a possibility here!)

LetThereBeCupcakes Sun 22-Nov-15 09:06:08

Queen I've PMd you.

TychosNose Sun 22-Nov-15 12:22:47

Could be cmpi I suppose. Or reflux as he used to spit up a lot when he was smaller. Hv and gp rubbish. No help whatsoever. Haven't noticed a pattern except no sleep! I was dairy free for his first few months then slowly introduced dairy and didn't notice things getting worse, but they've always been so bad. Even as a newborn he never really slept.

Don't have the energy to sleep train. If that would even work and I have my doubts.

No success with nap today and a shit night means I haven't had more tha 10 minutes in the last two days without ds in my arms, either feeding or fighting me.

I'm bf and would like to continue but just would prefer it to not be all the time. Problem with stopping is that i have no other way of getting him to sleep and he's feeding for probably 10 hours a day and hardly eating solids or drinking cows milk so not sure what would happen if I stopped bf.

Another day of living hell today with a grumpy overtired toddler and a 5yo who needs some attention at some point and no light at the end of the tunnel.

DelphiniumBlue Sun 22-Nov-15 12:33:35

If you stop, or drastically reduce bf, he will eat, and may sleep for longer.
He needs to be able to sleep without suckling. For this reason, the first bf I dropped was the bedtime one.
Could you go out and have someone else do bedtime for 3 or 4 days? Otherwise it can be quite hard. Maybe bf him then start bedtime routine. You have to do something, this is not fair on you or your older child.
Can I ask why are you bf for 10 hours a day at 19 months? That is quite unusual, and no wonder you are tired! You must be producing enormous quantities of milk to completely sustain a child of that size.

Queendedede Sun 22-Nov-15 12:40:26

I really feel for you! I'm having a bad day after DS waking every 1.5 - 2hrs last night, all he wanted was tucking in and reassurance I was still in the house....! It's sparked off my pnd and feelings of failing as a parent again though. I thought by this age he might be slightly better than he is and despite trying to do everything 'right' e.g he goes in his cot awake at bedtime and is left alone to fall asleep, which he does brilliantly, but he still wakes up multiple times for reassurance?!

One saving grace is that he naps well and without resistance and always in his cot. He usually has 2hrs 11.30 until 1.30. I have a 6yo who I feel gets neglected/snapped at a lot because of how rubbish I feel.

My husband just reminded me that they all leave home eventually..... Not sure I will survive long enough to see that day! But flowers for you, as you do seem to have it worse. I hope someone comes along soon and gives us that light we so need to see!

LeaLeander Sun 22-Nov-15 12:43:53

Just stop the bf for god's sake. I am sure a nearly two years old child has enough self preservation instinct to eat when he gets hungry enough. Put him down with a bottle of water or a dummy/pacifier.
The screaming and crying and stress and sleep deprivation of both of you is extremely unhealthy and negates entirely whatever benefits you think there are to bf at this late stage.

Queendedede Sun 22-Nov-15 12:44:26

Also, hats off for breastfeeding so much for so long... I'm going to attempt to cut out the one and only feed mine has at bedtime tonight. Don't think it will go down well but I'm over breastfeeding a toddler who only wants it as he knows it as his routine, rather than needing it for nutrition.

Queendedede Sun 22-Nov-15 12:46:15

LeaLeander, nicely put..... hmm

TychosNose Sun 22-Nov-15 13:05:16

Thanks for your reply queen it's really rotten trapped in my own private nightmare so it's helpful to share with someone who understands. Hope you have a better night tonight.

Sadly no one else can do bedtime as dh often isn't home in time and I need to protect my poor dd's sleep so I can't have a hysterical toddler charging round the house while she's trying to sleep, which I'm pretty sure it what would happen if I didn't feed him to sleep.

The feeding so much is because he demands it and I give in. Just one of my many many failings as a mother I guess. Believe me, this is not part of a grand plan and I do not congratulate myself for having got into this mess. The guilt I feel for ruining the lives of my dh and dc is unbearable.

MoriartyIsMyAngel Sun 22-Nov-15 13:27:15

Sorry, I agree with LeaLeander - especially after reading 'Just one of my many many failings as a mother I guess.' And 'The guilt I feel for ruining the lives of my dh and dc is unbearable.'

Stop breastfeeding!! You've done more than enough!

Why struggle on when there is no reason to? You're not a cow, you can't produce vast quantities of milk on command. He's old enough that I can't see there would be any particular benefits now, and look at what this situation is producing - the OP exhausted, not enjoying her child, and eating up with guilt for simply trying to do her best. Your child will benefit MOST from having a happy mother, that's the bottom line.

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