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Feel like I am getting it all wrong with ds2 :-(

(14 Posts)
BotBotticelli Fri 20-Nov-15 13:51:00

Help! DS2 is almost 4 months old and I feel like it is all going wrong wrt to his sleep. Main issues are:

- he will not nap in his cot during the day. Will only nap in his buggy in the hallway if I rock him to sleep. Or on me if we are out and about (at a friends house for a play date with older DS for example).

Feel like I am failing at this because I am sure I could put his older brother down in the cot for daytime naps by this age 😰

- his naps are all over the place, sometimes wakes after 20 mins, usually 40 mins, occasionally will have an hour or two but only if I rock the buggy when he stirs.

- at night he will NOT going to sleep without being rocked/cuddled to sleep. Again, this feels like I am failing to "get it right" because ds1 would quietly grizzle himself off to sleep by this age. My new baby just screams and screams and screams until I pick him up and rock him.

- in the last few days he has begun waking up inconsolable between 2-4am and will only settle back to sleep in the bed with me. I hate the idea of co-sleeping and don't want to do it, but it is the only thing that will settle him. He spits dummy out and cries. (Oh and he is not hungry when he wakes - he is FF and has a massive dream feed at 11pm, and when we get up for the day at 0630 he doesn't even cry for his bottle until 8am, from which I can surmise that he is not hungry in the night!).

- family are all telling me that it's a bad road to head down, having to cuddle him to sleep and cuddle him in the night, and I feel like I am failing to get him to do the most straightforward thing, ie sleep on his own. Which his older brother managed fine.

Please can someone tell me how I can solve these problems?!? Or if not, can anyone who's come out the other side reassure me that he will grow out of this on his own at some point??

I cannot physically rock him to sleep much longer, he is 98th centile and almost 18lb already.

Feel like it's all gone wrong this time.

HalfStar Fri 20-Nov-15 13:59:01

Please try to stop comparing him to ds1, that's the first step. The same approaches don't always yield the same results. Both of mine were exactly the same at that age but with more night feeds. It's a tricky age developmentally. In the end Dc1 was much more responsive to good habits than dc2. I found it so frustrating but they are all different.
It will pass though that's the one sure thing. Maybe 6 months would be a better time to get him napping in cot.

HalfStar Fri 20-Nov-15 14:02:08

I meant both of mine were like your ds2 at that age, so I think your ds1 must have been an obliging one wink

jessplussomeonenew Fri 20-Nov-15 14:19:19

I think the fact that your two DS are different, presumably despite similar parenting, simply shows that babies are totally different in their sleep regardless of what you do. It's easy to think you "got it right" with your first child when you were, perhaps, simply lucky to have had a good sleeper. It's perfectly normal for babies to want to be cuddled to sleep and I think all this talk of making a rod for your own back is rubbish. Would a sling or rocking chair make the rocking physically easier?

Cosleeping saved my sanity, though I would say that if you're going to do it, it's worth reading up and making sure you're doing it safely - I realised that I had a choice between unplanned cosleeping from exhaustion and planned cosleeping, and the latter is far, far safer and better!

saranga Fri 20-Nov-15 16:14:26

Come join us on the 4 month sleep regression thread where we are a losing the plot together.

Diggum Fri 20-Nov-15 16:16:02

M

Diggum Fri 20-Nov-15 16:20:46

Blast. Meant to say I've been exactly there with DD and she sorted herself out with some very gentle nudging (No Cry Sleep Solution, glacially paced stuff!) but not till she was around 11/12 months.

Just go with whatever works. Much less traumatic and more snuggly.

DD is now 18 months and I still get the odd nap where she falls asleep in my arms. Right now is one of them and it is so lovely to feel her warm little toddler self so peaceful and safe in my arms. smile

Purpleboa Fri 20-Nov-15 17:34:47

My DD is 5 months and still won't nap in her cot. I've given up trying. She's napping on me now, and I'm enjoying her being cuddled into me. If I put her in the cot she does sometimes fall asleep, but only for 30 mins. In my arms, or the sling, she can do an hour plus. I was fretting about it but have decided not to let it bother me. She needs her sleep, and I'd rather she was getting it.

You are doing nothing wrong! One thing I've learnt for sure: no two babies are the same. Providing you're not locking them in the coal shed at night, you're doing a great job.

starfish12 Sat 21-Nov-15 16:51:05

Oh Bot - i feel exactly the same. Am in tears on a daily basis as to how I've got it so wrong with number 2. I know I've lost perspective and it WILL be ok but DS1 was sleeping 12 hrs and taking long cot naps by now. I know they are all different but this one started out so well I just can't believe how downhill it's all gone.
So no advice really, other than you already know how quickly things change so hang in there and you aren't the only one feeling like this. I see you have joined us on the 4 month regression thread grin xx

Youcantscaremeihavechildren Sat 21-Nov-15 19:47:02

You have described my ds, I have been driven to tears and rage at times about his non sleeping . I have a dd who was just as bad, nothing but time improved things for her really. We did see an improvement at about 6 months, and for her at about 10 months she started sleeping better, then sleeping through consistently at 2-3. As soon as she started school everything was fine. Our other problem at the moment is that he wakes hourly every evening and will not go back to sleep for anyone but me, on the boob, which I find really limiting as I can't do anything and soon will need to work in the evenings. The things that have helped are Co sleeping, but I understand not wanting to do it, I struggle as although I get more rest as I feed lying down, he wakes more often and I'm finding our bed isn't big enough! The thing that made the most difference was a sidecar arrangement for his cot, attached to our bed, so hes close but not in our bed. We are gradually now moving him further away and eventually into his own room using no cry sleep solution. Getting naps longer during the day by doing just about anything I needed to get him over the first 30-40 min wakeup has meant that sometimes I get 2 is hours from him at lunchtime. Better sleeping during the day does seem to help the nights, plus gets me some time to myself. We use a sling, I time walks and trips out in the car to get him to sleep and most of all I'm trying to go easy on myself and him, he's just a baby and won't be little for ever, one day I know he's going to tell me to go away at bedtime like his sister and sleep all night, although he does my bloody head in sometimes I try to enjoy the cuddles. You've not done anything wrong, some babies are just that little bit more needy and understanding a bit about how and why he's doing what he's doing might help, plus wine and coffee. They help too..

People whose babies sleep easily just don't get how relentlessly infuriating and exhausting it can be. All I do is think about his sleep, I'm actually looking forward to going back to work so I can share out the thinking and responsibility for his naps a bit!

Nichola5097 Mon 23-Nov-15 15:34:54

So I joined mumsnet just to join in this thread! You describe my situation almost word for word. Am going slightly crazy with my second daughter. First daughter was amazing, slept through at four months, would nap in her cot regularly for an hour in the morning and at least two in the afternoon, could put her to bed at three months and she got herself to sleep, mainly because she learnt to suck her thumb (she is now 25 months). Second daughter.... Well, she slept through just before five months for a night, and then the trouble started. Assumed it was because she was planning to roll over, which she did a week after turning five months and hoped it would get better. She is a week over six months now and I have had to resort to having her on (not in) he bed with me, she will only sleep if she is fed or held to sleep. She usually manages a sleep cycle - last night it was two hours! - in her cot, and then that's it. I was up for 90 minutes last night, trying to get h back into her cot and gave up again. She slept really well the , only woke at 4ish, straight back to sleep after feed, then through to 7.30. Trouble is, I am so shattered that I also sleep late and am then I the back foot for the rest of the day. Naps are a nightmare, might get her to manage a sleep cycle in her cot, otherwise it's on me, so never get anything done. Have tried early bedtime, late bedtime, brought her down with me to watch Strictly one Saturday but hat was a disister as she just wanted to go to sleep. She'll drop off in the bugg but that's not always practical.
I don't really know what to do, sleeping on the bed with me gets us both more sleep but k feel this is a backward step at six months and can't see an end to it. I love her dearly, but I never get a break from her - even less so if she needs to sleep on the bed with me now. She has got worse since having croup and then chest infection last week (croup was week before).
I know I shouldn't compare them and usually I am okay with it other than when I get really tired and feel like a total failure and like I have let her down. I know I made mistakes with her, probably moved her out too early into her own room andtrying to get her into a bedtime when she wasn't ready. The Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell Smith has really helped me, but not thing much helps during my / the darkest hours!
Anyway, k just wanted to say thank you for posting this and wondered if anyone had any suggestions or advice, especially re moving her back into her own room. She pretty much screams when we go in there now, I'm sure she thinks I am going to try and put her to bed, it's almost separation anxiety but a bit early?

jessplussomeonenew Mon 23-Nov-15 19:32:49

We did a very gradual move into his own room - he was in with us until about 4 months, then got too wriggly so we moved him into a sleepyhead in a co-sleeper, then when he outgrew the co-sleeper we put his cot up by our bed (in the big sleepyhead) so he was still nearby, then about 13 months he started putting himself back to sleep when he woke up in the night, and we moved his cot into his own room but I slept on the floor for a bit. We went very gently and still bring him into bed with us when he's ill. They do start to show signs that they're ready for more independent sleeping if you wait for it - eg. about 10 months he started to roll away from me when he's finished feeding and get himself in a comfy position. I'd get her comfortable in with you, perhaps introduce some nice transferable sleep cues (scent, sound etc) that you can then keep constant when you and she are ready to move.

Youcantscaremeihavechildren Mon 23-Nov-15 20:09:02

We've set up a mattress on the floor next to our bed and ds is fed to sleep on that, then when he wakes I lif down with him and get back into bed once he's asleep, as I need my space in my bed! We've had some rotten nights though, last night was a shocker, up every hour. However the plan is to gradually withdraw the feed to sleep association and introduce music and a soft toy, plus back rubbing. Amazingly tonight it's worked, took 30 mins of a little bit of rocking and rubbing his back but he did the last bit of dropping off by himself! The next step is to move the mattress into the bedroom with his sister and for me to do the same there, then onto him settling on it in the cot...that's the plan anyway! I think the no cry sleep solution has some good suggestions like letting them have some calm fun playtime in the room and the cot to get used to it.
Im off to bed to get some sleep in preparation for not feeding back to sleep tonight..!

Youcantscaremeihavechildren Mon 23-Nov-15 20:12:38

Meant to say we started with a cot attached to our bed which I would have been more than happy with keeping but he's outgrown it! So it had to go. It does make Co sleeping so much safer and easier. We just haven't the room for a bigger cot, plus eventually I think he will wake less when we aren't disturbing him.

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