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Do you fight with hubby over sleep-husband thinks sleep is for wimps

(26 Posts)
Elfinprincess Wed 29-Jul-15 07:29:21

Oh bless him but I can't hep but think my husband feels jealous when I'm asleep and I feel sleep deprived!

He has a high pressure job, and I am at home with our son (I do some part-time work but he is the "bread winner"). He has always been of the mind "sleep is for lazy people" and he is like his mum, as long as they have a good solid six hours sleep they don't need more. But I come from a family that like 12 hours. This may sound like a small thing, but I'm often up in the night with our child too.

My husband's alarm goes off at 6am (admittedly he has to commute) but it goes off about 6-7 times because he snoozes it each time (different genetics here, I'm wide awake (as is our son with the first alarm). Then my husband doesn't like to go to bed early and he gets cross (I really don't know why) when I do. Last night he checked his meals at 11pm. He then typed a reply to his boss (lying on the bed) and I couldn't sleep because the bed was shaking with his dramatic typing. I asked why he had to do it so late. He then when into a rant about how it wasn't my problem and he was furious with me this morning as I don't have to work so hard as him.

I just don't understand why his boss needed a reply so late and my husband would never think to not wake me up. He even wakes me up when he can't sleep at night.

Sorry to moan. he works really hard and we have lots of privileges because of the sacrifices he makes at work. But it feels like he is almost jealous when I am asleep - which seems bizarre.

The problem is I'm finding it hard to stay awake during the day. I'm fine in the morning (although very grumpy) but by the afternoon I am a zombie.

Feeling a bit fed up but this is becoming a real issue and it makes my husband cross to talk about it he gets sarcastic and says "don't blame me you can go to bed now if you want". Grrr help!

Elfinprincess Wed 29-Jul-15 07:30:33

whoops, I meant to say he checks his emails not meals!

cowbag1 Wed 29-Jul-15 07:37:08

Just tell him straight. Lack of sleep can be really detrimental to your health and wellbeing (said by someone who had 3 hours sleep last night as ds has a cold!)

Tell him you're going to bed as your tired and need to sleep. He's not to come to bed unless he's ready to sleep too and if he wants to do anything else he can stay downstairs.

I have the repeated snoozes with Dh too and we compromised on 3 as it was waking ds up.

You don't need to justify your need for sleep. We're all different and need different amounts and he's being selfish to impose his sleeping habits on you. Do you get a night off / lie in regularly?

annandale Wed 29-Jul-15 07:37:56

I have some sympathy with you both tbh. Having to wake up at 6 for a long commute is horrible, and I'm a bit of a night owl so do prefer late to bed, late to rise like your husband.

But I'm with you on the snooze button, I never use one as I could 'snooze' right through the alarm, and I also found that I couldn't get back to sleep if dh used his, and hugely resented it.

I also think that your husband does indeed need more than six hours sleep and he's fooling himself. He might not need 12 though.

The difficulty is that this has become a big battleground and you are both knackered. I actually don't want to suggest lots of solutiosn as I think you shoudl try and come up with them together - if you present him with a 'solution' (e.g. sleeping apart, or no electronic devices in the room, or you both get lie ins at the weekend, you both set an earlier bed time, whatever) he is likely to take it as a massive insult at the moment. Can you say to him that it feels like sleep and tiredness have become a big issue between you, you know it's common in parents of young children but were hoping to avoid it, and could you put two brains to the problem and try and come up with a better way of handling it?

Also, I'm really sorry to raise it but it usually seems to be an issue with snappy dhs, how often are you having sex at the moment?

cowbag1 Wed 29-Jul-15 07:44:02

Tough shit if he's insulted. Bedrooms are for sleep and sex and he's a selfish arse for going into a bedroom where someone is sleeping and then waking them by faffing about with emails. He can do that elsewhere in the house.

Who cares if he's getting enough sex atm. That does not give him permission to behave like a twat towards his exhausted wife.

CognitiveIllusion Wed 29-Jul-15 07:48:47

He even wakes me up when he can't sleep at night!

You are not moaning. I would be beyond furious if DH did this. You need to talk to him again and make it clear how important this is to you. The email thing was very selfish too. He needs to do that downstairs in future.

However, I do have a bit more sympathy with the snooze thing. He probably reaches out and hits the snooze button without being completely aware of what he's doing.

ArgyMargy Wed 29-Jul-15 07:49:37

12 hours sleep is excessive. Do you know why you're so tired? Are you getting enough exercise? That could improve your mood as well as your energy levels.

cashewnutty Wed 29-Jul-15 07:54:21

My DH is the same. He gets up each morning 5am for work and is often awake before his alarm goes off (it was 4.40 he got up this morning). It drives me mad when he types out work e mails in bed.

However, he is generally considerate and will go to the spare room if he can't sleep or if he needs to do a bit more work before sleeping.

DH thinks 7am is a very long lie and at the weekends he is usually up by 6 and he takes the dog for a big walk. He is happy to leave me sleeping and brings me cups of tea.

He really envies my ability to sleep. Once he is awake he finds it impossible to go back to sleep. I think some people are just like that.

Elfinprincess Wed 29-Jul-15 07:54:55

Ah amazign

Elfinprincess Wed 29-Jul-15 07:57:00

Whoops amazing response thank you! Argys I don't get 12 hours and haven for years! I'm prob get about 6 -7 each night but quite often it's t broken sleep.

Ah sex is an issue... But I feel shattered most of the time. I have said if he wants that time we should go to bed earlier. Years ago I used to commute too and leave at half five and e

petalsandstars Wed 29-Jul-15 07:59:46

He is being incredibly selfish. Very quiet in bedrooms when there is a person sleeping in my house. And snooze buttons are banned. Although saying that I'm about to wake up DH as otherwise he'd have lie ins each day possible leaving me to do all mornings with DC as he "doesn't hear them" he's had a good 9 hours though

Elfinprincess Wed 29-Jul-15 08:01:45

I used to commute pre child, leaving at five thirty he said he Loved it as he had never had a girlfriend who got up earlier than him. I think I'm getting so mad because I do get l
Ow mood and sleepy in the day and he knows this. I don't underrsta'd why I have to be awake because he is. I tell him I know he works hard but it just seems a bit spiteful

ThinkIveBeenHacked Wed 29-Jul-15 08:02:43

Does he do the Night Wakings on non work nighs? If so, get yourself off to the spare room or wherever for two unbroken nights sleep.

Scoobydoo8 Wed 29-Jul-15 08:05:10

My DH did this - alarm goes off he snoozes etc until I wake him as he seems to have gone back to sleep, of course I was a lights sleeper and totally awake, and surprise surprise I was a sahm and he was doing a 'v demanding' job.

Waking your DS is just nasty.

You need to have it out with him. Move to another room or if that's not poss a mattress on the floor with earplugs. Also my DH, I now realize, wanted more admiration and gratefulness for the work he did/ money he brought in. It didn't occur to me to do that as I was doing a demanding job too imv.

TantrumsAndBalloons Wed 29-Jul-15 08:11:32

Is he getting enough sex?

Sorry I must have missed the memo that said if you aren't having "enough" sex your partner has the right to act like a prick.

The OP isn't getting enough sleep and her DH thinks it's ok to wake her up randomly when he can't sleep.

I would say that's the bigger issue than how many times they are having sex

addictedtosugar Wed 29-Jul-15 08:14:56

If he is hitting the snooze button several times, does it really need to go off at 6am? Can you propose that it goes off at 6.30 and he gets up when it goes off, so DS stays asleep a little longer?

DH would have been booted out of bed if he'd been emailing at 11pm. That's unbelievability selfish.

We too have different body clocks, but DH has had to adjust. He started work at 7.30, so earlier nights, and up with the alarm had to happen, which is my preference. We quite often go to bed together, and then he gets up again to potter before coming back to bed to sleep.

Sounds like the current system isn't ideal for anyone. Can you all about it some time, not early morning or near when you want to go to bed?

Scoobydoo8 Wed 29-Jul-15 08:17:52

Well, if he thinks he isn't getting enough sex he might, being a selfish git, be taking it out on the OP by disturbing her sleep.

But the answer is to have this out with him.

Duckdeamon Wed 29-Jul-15 08:19:32

anandale So he's disturbed the OP at night then been moody with her the next morning for simply asking him not to and seems to resent her being at home, and the answer is that she should "give him" more sex? Jesus is this MN 1953?

Elfinprincess Wed 29-Jul-15 08:25:50

He won't set the alarm later as he says he likes the snoozes and takes time to wake up. I'm a light sleeper. T

Duckdeamon Wed 29-Jul-15 08:26:28

How much sleep he gets or doesn't is his choice, and yours is your choice. He should not be disturbing you at night in your bedroom or getting arsey when you challenge this or go to bed earlier (unless it's often 8pm or something!)

If he doesn't like the status quo in terms of him working FT and commuting and you working part time he should raise that and discuss the options properly. Dogs are unacceptable. You covering childcare at present (presumably including most or all the broken nights) enables him to commute and earn well and focus on work after becoming a parent - there have been pay offs for his career of the current arrangement.

Elfinprincess Wed 29-Jul-15 08:26:29

The thing is I couldn't work all day at the moment I would fall asleep. It's always do
O

Duckdeamon Wed 29-Jul-15 08:29:55

Digs not dogs! smile

The alarm snooze thing seems selfish, as does his response to your raising it. What time does he actually get up? What time would you need to wake up if he didn't wake you?

I commute and get up early: I'd like the radio on for a bit before getting up if I slept alone but it's considerate to be quiet as possible for one's partner (and DC) so I just get up after the alarm.

NeedSpeed Wed 29-Jul-15 08:42:05

Can you give him another bedroom?

GooodMythicalMorning Wed 29-Jul-15 08:47:41

Dh and I need the same sleep as you two but he lets me sleep longer (unless we need to go out early somewhere) He should be kind enough to let you sleep.

Purpleboa Wed 29-Jul-15 12:03:12

God, I'd be furious with DH if he acted like that. Don't get me wrong, he's a grumpy sod if he doesn't get his sleep and he knows it. So we do separate bedrooms. I'm in our room and he's in the spare room. Only way to get through it with him working. But he'll come ithrough about 6 am and take our DD so I can get a few hours sleep (DD is particular awake at that time!)

But DH is very aware of how hard it is for me and would never dream of making it harder. He'll be the first to suggest I get to bed early and does what he can to make things easier for me.

Sorry but I think your hubby is being unreasonable and unsupportive. Wouldn't want to guess as to why, but it's just not on and unfair on you. Both parents need to make sacrifices when a baby arrives.

Oh and to the poster who asked if he is getting enough sex??? Have you not read the op's post about how tired she is - do you really think servicing her grumpy husband is high on her list right now?? I mean, really??

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