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Sleep

I can`t sleep!

30 replies

triplets · 23/04/2004 00:20

I went to bed at 9 tonight shattered as usual, gave up at midnight and here I am! Tuned in to Mumsnet for some company and for the first time I have looked at the sleep section. It all seems to be about sleep problems for children! What about me, us, you out there? I am 52 yrs old with 6 yr old triplets, I am permanently exhausted yet most nights find it hard to get to sleep, then when I do I wake up two or three times during the night, and its not usually the children who wake me. The truth is my mind hardly ever switches off, and I find bedtime the hardest time when I miss Matthew my son who died, I am so fed up with grief, so hate him not being here, so miss him, miss him so very very much. Everything triggers it off again, especially seeing things like the pain on Gloria Hunnifords face at her daughters funeral, thats such a very hard day to get through, so awful. I am sorry everyone, I am rambling, need a good friend here tonight to talk to, but thank God for all you Mumsnetters, at least I know that you are all out there and that you care........night night.

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fairyfly · 23/04/2004 00:24

Shit, shit shit, i am listening how old was your son, i understand about grief, not to your extent, just the reminders constantly. I am really good friends with a women who lost her daughter. Not really suprised you can't s;eep

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Ghosty · 23/04/2004 00:26

Hi triplets ... and fairyfly ...
I can chat for a little while ... 11.30 am here in NZ ...

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baldrick · 23/04/2004 00:28

oh you poor woman, what I say cannot mean much as I am just typing on a screen, but a real human being on the end! I don't know what I could say to someone in this predicament except that I send you lots of love and pray that someone is watching over you and helping you through such a distressing time...my dad died 3 years ago, I still cry even now, uncontrollably when something like a song triggers it off...sorry not much help, but you are very brave to post this and I wish a lot of luck and love for you.xxxxx

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baldrick · 23/04/2004 00:30

hope you are able to talk triplets as we are here for you

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triplets · 23/04/2004 01:27

Hi,
Im still here, should go to bed but just will toss and turn. Matthew was 14 when he died, its 10 years ago on June 2nd. He collapsed and died instantly in my garden, no medical explanation was ever found. He was our only child, we had tried for years for another but we were lucky we thought, we had Matthew. Then everything collapsed, my whole world turned upside down and twisted with pain. Eventually after two years we decided to try ivf. more pain and stress, but third time using a donor I had my three precious babies, Rebecca, Thomas and James who are now 6. A new life, but still miss so much the old one, get so fed up of wearing two faces, and yet I know I am lucky, I have friends who have lost children and have no more, whichever way it is its so hard, thank you all where ever you are, Im in Kent.

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ragtaggle · 23/04/2004 07:06

God, triplets. I just wanted to send you a hug. Poor you - what a terrible thing to go to. I am a first time mum so am only just experiencing that all encompassing mother love. I can't imagine how it feels to lose a child - and to never have had any explanation must be so hard. I'm so glad you were able to have your triplets but big sympathy about the sleep issue. I feel permanently knackered and yet unable to sleep when I need to with just one - God knows how it must feel with three. And the small hours are when grief is at its most pernicious. It's not the same but I lost my dad three years ago at the age of fifty nine and I still find it really hard sometimes but particularly at night. I hope you feel better today

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ragtaggle · 23/04/2004 07:06

Should say go through - sorry

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fairyfly · 23/04/2004 08:02

Triplets, how are you today, did you manage any sleep, so sorry again for your pain

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Evita · 23/04/2004 10:08

Hello again triplets, do you remember me?

Like everyone here and elsewhere who hasn't lost a child but who has felt the dread at the thought of it I can only totally sympathise with you. A close friend of mine's daughter is dying of a rare form of cancer right now. She's 17. But you didn't even have a chance to say goodbye or a chance to find out what was wrong, that must have been so incredibly hard. My father died suddenly and I found that very difficult.

I think at night, these tragedies and other worries all come alive and haunt us. We're all here if you need to speak.

Thinking of you, E.

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triplets · 23/04/2004 21:07

Hi Evita,
Yes I remember you, its nice when a familiar name crops up. Thank you all for your support, it does help, takes away the feeling of loneliness. I think sometimes people dont understand that, I have Harry and three 6yr olds, a good family who live locally and yet at times I feel so very alone. You are right, it is always the night that is the worse time. I suppose I am too busy during the day to stop and think. Sometimes it seems like it was all a very horrible bad dream, that something so awful could have possibly happened to us, to Matthew. I was a little upset a couple of weeks ago, I unexpectedly came across one of his best friends, last seen Ben was tiny, spotty, just a kid. Here was this strapping young man, living with a girl for the last five years, bought a cottage, still playing drums in a group, thoroughly enjoying life. I was so pleased to see him, felt happy for him, but felt so very sad that my lovely Matthew would never ever be doing all those things. Never got to shave, never had a girlfriend, never learnt to drive, never, never never. Even today a postcard came from the kids friend who has gone to Denmark to Legoland. It was a card of a lego grand-prix racing car, as soon as I saw it I could hear Matthew saying, "Mum when I grow up I am going to take myself to the Monaco Grand Prix". It was the love of his life. His hero was Nigel Mansell, and the year before he died we had gone on holiday to California and as a huge surprise I had got tickets for him and Harry to go to the Indy Car race at Longbeach. We arrived in Anaheim the night before, went out for a meal and told him, his face, he was so excited. Off they went the next day, came back at 6pm, with t shirts, posters etc. Mansell hadnt won but that didnt matter. We then went across the road into Disneyland for the first time. We got back to our room just before midnight and Matthew threw himself back on his bed and said, "Oh Mum, Ive had the best day of my life". I will never forget it, never. Oh gosh, I really have rambled on tonight. its just so nice sometimes to be able to talk about him, no one now does it here and to me its so unatural not to, so thank you all for being there.

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israel · 23/04/2004 21:25

...Dear triplets...do talk about matthew as much as you want on here. If you already feel that at home he isn't talked about enough and you want to share you memories here then do, please.

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triplets · 23/04/2004 21:46

Thank you Israel, it is good to talk this way, its like a release valve at times.

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israel · 23/04/2004 21:55

Dear triplets..I do understand about wanting to talk about someone who has died and yet knowing that for others they don't...for whatever reason they have...it is their way of dealing with the loss....but for you it sounds very much as though you still want to share your precious memories of Matthew.
Do you find that most of the time your just coping because you are so,so busy...exhausted and busy but no time to reflect?

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triplets · 24/04/2004 09:30

Good morning Israel,
I suppose yes I am so busy looking after Rebecca, Thomas and James that it does consume alot of my time now, I suppose thats natural. But it never stops the dull ache that seems to live inside me, you know that feeling when it feels as though you heart is being squeazed with sadness, well its like that all the time. Then apparently I sigh alot, I am not aware that I do it. I can be anywhere then without even thinking about it out loud I say these same words, "oh Matthew". I am convinced that this is the way it will always be now, I dont see it getting better or worse. The horrible thing is that it seems such a very long time now since I heard his voice, how I miss hearing the key go in the door every day just after 4pm and heard, "hi Mum its only me". I never used to believe it when others said that time heals, well it doesnt. What it does is give you time to adjust, to learn to have to live a new life, to get used to living with death. I often think what would it be like if I hadn`t had these three, just me and Harry. I would have spent as much time travelling, thats something that I love, still do, we took Matthew to California twice, not many children at his age have seen the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, San Francisco, Las Vegas and many other wonderful places. I am so glad he did.

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israel · 24/04/2004 09:50

Dear triplets...yes the time thing...it doesn't get easier does it...You just learn to control the sadness, the tears...but they are still there inside like this silent scream that no one can hear.
How wonderful that you did get to take Matthew to those wonderful places...that was meant to be wasn't it.
You sound very much like me with the travelling..I have such a wanderlust and am never settled.
How old is Harry and the triplets Rebbecca, Thomas and James?
I am 44 with two children dd Tamar 12 and Isaac 3....I am an art teacher but have mostly been doing supply work...I have not been working this last year as Isaac is at nursery for half the day and logistically it was too difficult to work out someone to take him.
Well that's a bit about me..I do hope you had a more restfull sleep last night and can enjoy this lovely sunshine we are having at the moment.
Please keep intouch...Israel

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Evita · 24/04/2004 12:20

Hello again triplets, and Israel!

Your posts, triplets, send a shiver down my spine. I think everything you say is so true about time etc. If I imagine losing dd I can imagine never quite feeling the same again. I think the best best thing you can do is talk about Matthew, keep his photos around, keep him alive in all the ways you can. And remember all the things he loved and that even though his time was so short it was happy and exciting with those trips to California. Take me next time?

Israel, good to hear from you again. I didn't know you were an art teacher, I've done a fair bit of that in my time too. Where are you based?

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israel · 24/04/2004 20:17

Dear triplets...just to let you know you have been in my thoughts alot today.I do hope you have a more peaceful sleep tonight.

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helenmc · 25/04/2004 11:01

hello triplets, I saw your message last night. Sometimes I can't sleep once I wake up. I guess its when you're all alone with your thoughts. I had a massage as a valentines; presents, and the lady suggested warm milk as it contains something to help you sleep. But that won't take away the grief, but things for me always seem a bit rosier when I'm not shattered. The loveley thing thing about mumsnet is you are never alone. Hope you're feeling a bit better today.

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triplets · 25/04/2004 11:11

Good morning everyone,
Still not sleeping but feeling better, the sun always makes e feel good and it has een so lovely here the last couple of days. Today is nice too, this afternoon my three are all marching in a St Georges Day parade along Deal seafront in their Beaver uniforms. After that my brother has invited us to a b-b-q so it will be a nice day. The only time I know I feel truly relaxed and could drop off to sleep in seconds is when I am on a beach, lying in the sun, to me it is bliss. Just wish it was the same at bedtime! Do any of you live in my area, Deal in Kent?

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gloworm · 25/04/2004 12:12

i afraid i cant offer any help on what you are going through, but the following helps me when I can't sleep (also works great on sleepless babies and toddlers!)

put couple of drops pure essential lavender on your pillow.
Try Bioforce Valerian Hops fron health shop, put 20 drops in some water and take about half hour before bedtime. it tastes foul but relly helps sleep. helps relax body and wind down,

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Evita · 25/04/2004 20:30

triplets, I wish I did live near Kent! I'm stuck in SE16 in London and HATE it. I know what you mean about falling asleep on a beach: the sun warmth, the ambient sounds of sea and voices. Lovely. Here we have non-stop police sirens and the songs drifting from Millwall football ground!

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helenmc · 25/04/2004 21:03

Hiya triplets, I've been thinking about you today as there was a bit in the Sunday times magazine about sleeping, and one of the things was learning to relax,,,you know the type of stuff put on continuous music (not songs that have a beginning and end), take 3 deep breaths, clunch and unclench fist ...then arms. Well I thought perhaps learning soem kind of relaxing/yoga might help clear the mind.

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triplets · 25/04/2004 23:20

Hi all,
I have tried lots of relaxation suggestions, the warm bath, lavender, oh all sorts and indeed there have been nights when Im off to sleep in minutes, but it can last as little as an hour then Im awake. The children only have to turn and I can hear them and if I get out of bed to check them, go to the loo it can take me anything from 30mins to an hour or more to get back to sleep. Sometimes I come down and make a drink and watch anything thats on the tv or I sit on here and tap away until Im worn out. But it doesnt matter what I do what I try, in the back of my mind is always Matthew. Also to be honest I never slept brilliantly before he died(oh how I hate writing those words), I have been able to survive on say 4hrs reasonable sleep, but I cant do it anymore not at my age with triplets. If I havent already said so I am 52. I was almost 46 when they were born, Harry is 63! He unlike me has no problem in sleeping, but then he has a couple of G&TS, two glasses of wine EVERY night, consequensely he never hears the kids if they get up, I can have Thomas in to tell me hes wet himself, take him to the bathroom, change him, strip and remake his bed, in doing all this usually James wakes up and Harry sleeps through the lot! But then I guess there are alot of you out there who go through the same thing! I am on St Johns Wort at the moment its to early to say if its helping, I have heard its good, we`ll see!

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Ghosty · 26/04/2004 00:52

Triplets ...
You brave brave lady ...
I often think about you ... the first time I read your story here on Mumsnet it went deep. Nothing could possibly be worse than losing a child. It is my biggest fear.
I just want to send you big hugs from across the world ...
Ghosty xxx

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twogorgeousboys · 26/04/2004 01:52

Hi triplets

Do not know what to say about the loss of your precious son Matthew - there aren't adequate words.

I identify with your sleep problems - mine began three and a half years ago. When I was 13 weeks pregnant with my first child, my mother killed herself. I was extremely close to her and it was a horrific shock.

Have tried everything in the "natural remedies" sphere to little effect. Also tried sleeping tablets but became immune to their effects (Still awake at 5.00am watching another "made for TV" movie got really boring when my baby was going to be awake at 6.00am for his morning feed!).

I've found I need something to distract my brain whilst getting to sleep at the same time (if that makes sense!) I bought myself a tiny radio, plus a really comfortable set of earphones that I can wear in bed. I've found a radio station that does "chat" through the night (not music - churns up too much emotion and memories). Anyway, I plug myself into this and I manage to drift off after a while. It sounds a bit barmy but for some reason it works.

My other suggestion - have you heard of an organisation called Compassionate Friends? It's specifically for bereaved parents. The website address is www.compassionatefriends.org.uk.

I belong to a group for people bereaved by suicide and have found it helpful.

I do sleep better now, using the radio trick, however I still have nights where my brain won't switch off (hence it 1.45am and I'm only just going to bed!)

Take care.....night night/morning morning.

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