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Newborn help

(17 Posts)
Becca1818 Sun 08-Feb-15 04:26:26

Tonight was only night 2 at home and I already feel like a failure.
He will happily sleep in his Moses basket all day but as soon as you put him in for night time he's awake and you just cannot settle him. The only way he will settle is if you have him in your arms which I am scared to do incase I fall asleep.
At the moment I have him lying on top of the duvet on our bed in his feeding pillow with a blanket is this safe?
I don't know what to do

FishWithABicycle Sun 08-Feb-15 04:36:16

You aren't a failure. This is normal. Completely normal. You know all those people who cracked jokes while you were pregnant about enjoying your last few nights of sleep before the baby arrives? This is what they meant. It doesn't last forever. Will post longer in a sec, but you are ok.

cosmicglittergirl Sun 08-Feb-15 04:48:08

Yes, totally normal! Congratulations on your new arrival.
Newborns have no sense of day or night and it takes a while for them to adjust. At this point they just feed and sleep and quite often don't want to be in a Moses basket.
Don't waste your time at this point worrying about getting baby into a routine or where they sleep, you'll drive yourself mad. I remember reading books in week one about sorting their sleep out! You're tired and hormonal but it'll pass and seem much more manageable soon.
You can always have him next to you in bed, it's not advised by health visitors (but a lot of people do do it especially if they are breast feeding) but new mothers are built in with a sense of their baby. I never moved when I slept next to mine and when she got a bit older I put her in her bed nest then the cot. It all comes with time.
Easy to say, but don't worry, you'll be fine.

BiscuitsofYum Sun 08-Feb-15 04:57:20

Don't feel like a failure! Its only night 2 in the house. My first few nights with ds was him screaming at me, all night.. He spent his sleeping time asleep on me, to which I had to stay still. We are 6 weeks in and ds will sleep in his Moses basket with a couple of wakes in the night. So it does get better!

I'm not an expert on sleeping on youre bed, but I would say no to being on the duvet in case you pull over yourself and fling baby, I'm also sure its not advised for them to sleep on their breastfeeding pillow.. But I've done it myself to try and get an hours sleep.
I do recommend co sleeping, I was dead against it at first but in those early few days until lo gets a routine of sleep going it can be a life saver. I cant link to any links online but I would suggest searching how to co sleep safely and go from there even if its to too yourself up with sleep!
Please don't be hard on yourself! Newborns are hard but they do get easier, congratulations on the birth of your little one

FishWithABicycle Sun 08-Feb-15 05:10:23

Ok. It's only about 60 hours since your baby was pretty sure that the entire universe consisted of a warm, dark womb of fluid in which he was tightly packed, head pointing down. He could detect various noises and movements but had no concept that anything else existed.
Now everything has changed and it's going to take him a little while to get used to it. I'm not sure any baby settles happily in a Moses basket overnight in their first week. Maybe a few folk are lucky with that but if they are it is just luck not any skill or correct decisions on their part. Your baby has had you as his only bed for 9 months. You are all he knows and he doesn't even know you are a person yet, he has no understanding of what persons are. You are a new part of his universe, a comforting and familiar one. All he needs is your comforting cuddles and to be fed. He feels ok about the Moses basket when you are nearby and awake. When it's dark and quiet his instincts are kicking in and he needs a cuddle. This is not you doing anything wrong.

Babies don't understand sleep. They don't have the knowledge that this sensation of tiredness will get better from sleep. They experience the muzzy headed overwhelming sensation of tiredness and they don't know what it is but they don't like it and want it to go away. So they cry. And they don't want to stop crying or relax until it goes. Then mummy cuddles them and they feel better and suddenly they are asleep.

Obviously within the first few months you want your baby to learn to go to sleep in his cot. That doesn't have to be in his first week of life.

Bed sharing is very common and will help a lot. There are a lot of warnings about it but usually it's safe so long as neither you nor your partner are smoking, drunk or on drugs and you take sensible precautions to ensure he is safe and won't overheat, or get anything on top of him by accident. Bed sharing doesn't make your baby into a perfect sleeper but can mean you both get a lot more sleep. It's more dangerous for a baby to be being held on a sofa by a parent who is so tired they might fall asleep without intending to than it is for a baby to be in bed with that parent. There are things you can buy to help, if you can afford a purchase or two - I can't find links as I 'm on my phone but there are long sausage-like things that go under the sheet at the edge of the bed to give the mattress a lip so the baby can't fall out. There's also a thing called a bednest or snugglenest which creates a little barrier around a space for the baby on a larger bed so you know you won't roll onto him (though your instincts will stop you doing that even in your sleep unless you are drunk or on drugs which I'm sure you aren't.)

Bed sharing isn't the right solution for every family. You can work out what works for you. It will take time. Don't be overcritical of yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Becca1818 Sun 08-Feb-15 05:39:51

Thanks all I just feel so over whelmed.
He was born by c section 5 days ago but we spent 3 horrible nights in hospital before coming home. He sleeps so well in the day in the basket. He's hardly settled since 9pm last night.
I feel broken already and I know it hasn't even started really.

Worriedaboutwee Sun 08-Feb-15 06:07:13

I'm just up feeding my 4 week old and saw this. I just wanted to say it will get better! Do what ever you have to do to get through these first few weeks. If baby sleeps ok in the basket in the day then nap on the sofa etc when ds does. At the minute I'm coping by cat napping in the day and dh having baby 8-12pm downstairs if he won't settle while I sleep so I at least get a few hours rest then. If you have a partner make sure they are helping you as much as possible! My house is an absolute tip and my eldest is watching a lot of tv when he's not at school but you have to do whatever you can to survive this newborn bit!
Congratulation on your baby and enjoy those snuggles

FlossieTreadlight Sun 08-Feb-15 06:25:22

YYto what everyone else has said and a plea to please be gentle with yourself. You've had major abdo surgery and then the mega shock of a new baby.

Top tips:, however you're feeding, if in doubt feed your baby, snatch sleep where you can, bright and bustle during the day, dim lights and quieter at nights ( to differentiate between night and day, Your Baby Week by Week is a really helpful non- preachy guide. Post CS rest, rest, rest and your recovery will be easier

I promise it will get better and congratulations! thankswine

pipnchops Sun 08-Feb-15 06:26:48

Congratulations and please don't feel like a failure as this sounds totally normal and I remember feeling like you. I promise it gets easier soon, or you get used to it. your baby will soon learn the difference between night and day. I can't believe I'm going to say such a cliche but at this stage try and sleep during the day while your baby sleeps. Once your baby is fed and asleep ask someone to stay with him while you slip off to bed for a nap. In the early days I was pretty much nocturnal in order to get any sleep. Also a few times when I was at breaking point my husband would take DD out for an hours drive in the car. DD would sleep in the car and I'd get some precious time to sleep. When my DD was crying and I felt awful it helped me to just say over and over "this will pass". And it did! Hang in there, it's about to get so much better flowers

FishWithABicycle Sun 08-Feb-15 06:36:09

Sleep deprivation can really mess with your head and make you think all kinds of mad things.
Cut way back on your expectations of what you achieve. Bare minimum:you and baby both fed. You adequately hydrated. Baby's bottom clean. Both of you warm and comfy (but not too warm).

Everything else is optional. Getting dressed. Washing up. Home-prepared food. Personal hygiene. Obviously you will pay attention to these things when you absolutely have to but if the baby is asleep happily in his Moses basket in the daytime then get into bed and get some sleep yourself right away. Do not use that precious time for trivialities like household chores or entertaining guests. You can work out how to get your baby's sleep cycle aligned with social norms later, once you've had some sleep yourself.

calmexterior Sun 08-Feb-15 07:40:12

The first two weeks are hard, especially with your first baby. Do whatever it takes to get through them one day at a time, lots of good advice above, and things will sort themselves out. Don't worry flowers

September60b Sun 08-Feb-15 16:42:21

Hi op, some really good advice above which I can't really add to. I just wanted to say that my dd wouldn't sleep in her Moses basket for the first few nights, and dh and I had to stay up all night holding her taking it in shifts. On around day 6 things all of a sudden changed and she was quite happy to sleep in her basket. She now wakes up during the night for feeds but goes straight back to sleep in her basket. We didn't really do anything drastic, just kept trying to put her down but comforting her each time she cried. I think there is a certain amount of luck involved too!

Best of luck and congratulations on your baby!

Becca1818 Sun 08-Feb-15 19:08:14

Thanks everyone. I just feel totally out of my depth.
I never expected to feel so sad.
Oh is doing his best but he's not very good at sleep deprivation (not that anyone does).

millysmum81 Tue 10-Feb-15 17:49:33

Hi all, I am new to mumsnet my baby is 9 days old and like Becca1818 didn't expect to feel so sad. My stomach lurches whenever she cries and I dread night time like you wouldn't believe.

cosmicglittergirl Tue 10-Feb-15 18:25:47

I can believe it, and I bet many others will too. The hormones, the sleep deprivation and feelings of being overwhelmed can conspire against you. I remember thinking how I couldn't do it and didn't want to do it. I spoke to my HV who said I could have counselling. As it was, after a few weeks I started to feel better. Don't be afraid to tell people, let them help you. You've had a massive change in your life and it's understandable to feel emotional. It will pass, but you might need to ask for help.
flowers

Plateofcrumbs Tue 10-Feb-15 19:56:49

Crazy as it sounds you'll come to miss the time when your baby was tiny and new and didn't want to do anything but sleep in your arms.

It is hard and used to dread the end of every day at first.

I had to sleep with DS lying on my chest for the first few weeks. Not ideal but we got by - instinct definitely kicks in, I never moved a muscle when he was sleeping on me.

I really recommend the sleepyhead pillow, it is both ridiculously overpriced and worth every single penny. Meant DS had a nice safe nest to sleep in our bed.

Mumto3dc Tue 10-Feb-15 20:13:54

I'm on baby 4 and this is what I do to get some sleep in the early days:

Wear pyjamas and a fleece/hoody then pull covers over me up to under my arm. Lie on side, have baby in a sleeping bag lying snuggled next to me, but on top of my covers, on their side with their head on my shoulder and my arm round them.

Pretty much impossible for me to roll on the baby as my shoulder is in the way and they are on top of the covers so won't get too hot or accidentally covered over. Baby v happy because they are snuggled next to me, I'm v happy because I can sleep! (Plus have tiny cute baby cuddled up to me.)

You have to do what you have to do get through this and things will get better soon...

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