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Shouted at DD and DH last night. Not feeling good.

(5 Posts)
Addictedtocustardcreams Tue 25-Nov-14 07:04:19

My DD is 23 months. She wasn't reliably sleeping through but was generally only waking once a night & was easy to settle. About 3 weeks ago she got properly ill. She had a mouth infection & it was full of ulcers so she couldn't eat or drink & we were really worried about her. She also couldn't sleep & I ended up sleeping on a mattress on her bedroom floor with her adhered to the side of my face but still waking every hour for several nights. She now won't go back to decent sleep. She has decided she hates her sleeping bag, if she is put in it she gets in a rage and flings herself about until all the poppers open. She cries every night when put in her cot. I was trying to go back to previous gradual retreat which we did once but after a week haven't got past the first step as she is still crying. She then wakes about 11 & cries for me. She won't settle for DH. I then take her in the spare room where we co-sleep until she wakes before 6 earlier than normal. I am currently 29 weeks pregnant & the recent bout of illness & terrible sleep has kind of broken me & I don't feel I have recovered. Last night when DD woke up I shouted at her & DH as I was so frustrated with it all. I have no idea how to fix things although I know I am not doing the worst in terms of sleep I just can't cope with it at the moment. Work is also really busy & stressful & DH is trying to work full time & do a phd! Any thoughts?

Ilikepie Tue 25-Nov-14 07:17:07

I'm rubbish at this kind of thing, as i'm a soft parent where sleeping is concerned; i never really let them cry, though we also never co-slept. So all i can offer is sympathy and the thought that you are doing a good job. Don't feel guilty for shouting; it won't do either of them any harm to know that you are at the end of your tether. I think the mantra 'this too will pass' is very true. Even if you don't manage to actively 'do' anything about the situation, changes will kind of evolve over the weeks and months. A few months is a long time, developmentally, at that age; she'll be reasonable and bribable before you know it.
But in the first place, I think you have done the right thing by being there for your dd when she's been unwell. She might just have to settle for DH you know.....if she trusts and loves him then she'd be fine if you took yourself off to a travelodge for a good night's sleep, maybe at the weekend. They'd work it out between them and might just kickstart a new routine. Either way you need to gather yourself and get a night's sleep under your belt. Any relatives to help him if you went away for a night?

DougalTheCheshireCat Tue 25-Nov-14 09:53:01

Wow poor you. I came here thinking of starting a thread to vent as we've had a rough night too.

DD is 18 months, had a nasty chest infection last week. Before that we'd been making good progress on the third attempt to stop night feeding (I'm still breast feeding) and had several weeks of improved sleeping, sometimes through, and if not she would settle with DH so I didn't have to get out of bed.

Obviously when she was ill I co slept with her and fed in the night etc. she is much better though her appetite is slow to Coe back. Still, night before last she slept 7.30-4am on her owns so last night we were hoping to build fro there. Haha. Woke at 11.30 would not settle with DH. I went in at 1am to tell her I loved her, boobs were sleeping, it was time to sleep, boobs would be ready in the morning (this worked the last time we stopped night feeding). It seemed to help, calming down and almost going back to sleep... But then she just didn't. Settled her again, I thought asleep, I made it out of the room (DH staying to cosleep) and no. Eventually at 2.30 am I gave in and fed her. Back to sleep, awake again at 6.30 fed, slept, up at 8am didn't want breakfast (now at nursery).

She is teething a bit, and was hungry, but I know it's a bit circular - while she is night feeding she eats less in the day. We will try arson tonight and I think pick a night at the weekend or when I'm not working to go fully cold turkey on night feeding.

I feel bad that she was hungry, at the same time, we are all tired and I really need to made no feeding in the night / DH soothes if she needs it normal service. After 18 months I have had enough.

What is v hard is in the heat of it DH tends to blame the breast feeding. Last night at 2am he was telling me it has to stop and I should stop in the day first. Not helpful for us to argue about this, I think he feels helpless when he can't settle her and blames it on breast feeding. I'm not convinced stopping would be a miracle cure, rather things would be different eg when she is ill, things would be harder.

I am happy to cut down / gradually encourage her to stop on her own (whereas stopping completely would be v upsetting for her and as I don't really want to, I don't really have the strength to do it). Stopping I the night is the priority for me.

Still, we will try again. Stuff that has helped us that might be worth ago: talking about it in the day: things are changing, night time is for sleeping, boobs will be sleeping, Daddy will be there if you need anything. Maybe I should have done a bit more of this before last night.

No Cry Sleep Solutions suggests making a book for children this age, telling the story of their bedtime / night time (ie modelling whatever you want to create, sleeping in their own bed, through the night, without feeding etc). We havent done this but I may try it.

DD can be v stubborn so for us part of the challenge is figuring out when she has a genuine need (eg last night seems she was genuinely hungry / is still recovering from being ill) vs is being stubborn (which could also explain last night).

I second having a night away. I was away for work for one night about 6 weeks ago and it created a step change then, just need to get it back now.

wine For solidarity

DougalTheCheshireCat Tue 25-Nov-14 09:54:17

re try again tonight, not try arson tonight, obviously!

Addictedtocustardcreams Tue 25-Nov-14 11:53:32

Thank you for the lovely replies. I am sure you are right about things improving over time they have done after all our previous bedtime "challenges". I am just so tired with being pg & it was quite stressful when she was so unwell so really took it out of me. Will look into a night off for definite! Also remember reading that in NCSS, might be good as DD loves books.

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