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Can't get her out of my bed...

(20 Posts)
flipityflopity Thu 06-Nov-14 22:31:06

Any help/strategies? Anyone in this boat too?

My DD is 6.5yrs old. She sleeps in my bed (or anyone's but her own) I don't think it's the same as co-sleeping as I don't want her there?!

It all started when she was a toddler and we had no choice but to share a room. She would climb the cot sides and get in with me (never disturbed me so she never got put back). Then she wouldn't settle without company. She still won't.

She now has her own room. She's only slept in there a few times and not all night even then. We live with my mother (we're both single and both work, so juggle childcare).
My job requires me to be away from home one overnight a week. That night she sleeps in nannies bed. The rest she's in mine.

It's not just the sleeping, it's the going to sleep. I can't spend 3hrs+ just lying in silence, waiting for her to nod off. I really resent it. Some nights I miss dinner and don't wash because it takes so long I fall asleep too. Aibu to just want to watch abit of shit telly in peace?! I don't even drink ffs, let alone expect to be out of the house after dark (except when at work).

I've tried super nanny tactics, reward charts plain old bribery but nothing works for long. My mother has less patience than me and undoes all my hard work and makes me the bad guy

amothersplaceisinthewrong Thu 06-Nov-14 22:35:21

You are just going to have to bite the bullet and every time she comes in your bed put her back.

And for the going to bed you will have to do the same. read her story etc, kiss her goodnight and go downstairs. If she reappears downstairs, take her straight back up in silence, and go back down again.

flipityflopity Thu 06-Nov-14 22:39:11

I'm at my wits end. Feeling really guilty and embarrassed as the requests for sleepovers have started and I just can't let it happen.

I know it's my fault as I'm often told by interfering relatives. I want to makes changes without too much stress. I guess I've been over compensating for her lack of father (another story entirely) or maybe my own loneliness? Maybe this is abit over dramatic but will her mental health/social skills suffer because of this. I know mine are. I feel like I'm missing out on simple (but necessary) me time. And I wouldn't dream of attempting to meet someone because of this.

flipityflopity Thu 06-Nov-14 22:41:47

Amothersplace I have tried this. My main issue is not being here in the evenings quite regularly due to shift patterns. I know my mother will not follow through when I'm not here so when I am I'm the wicked witch.

ghostvitruvius Thu 06-Nov-14 22:45:50

She's old enough to understand there's one rule for nanny and one rule for you. If your mum wants to lie with her while she falls asleep then let her.

FlappertyFlippers Thu 06-Nov-14 22:49:03

Would it be possible to put a double bed in her room? That way you or your mum can lie with her to get her off to sleep, and if she wakes in the night one of you can go into 'her' bed, just so she gets used to always sleeping in her own room.

Riverland Thu 06-Nov-14 22:52:23

Tell her you'll read her a story, then cuddle up for a bit before you go watch some grown up tv. Say "I'm a grown up and don't need as much sleep as you! I'll come to bed later!"

flipityflopity Thu 06-Nov-14 22:53:12

In all honesty ghost I don't think she wants to either, she just knows it's easier this way, a DD seems to behave better for her in general. My mother and I have had many discussions about it and she agrees with me but let's DD have it her way regardless. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle!

MrsTerrorPratchett Thu 06-Nov-14 22:57:03

It doesn't matter that Nanny doesn't do the same as you. If Nanny gets her every night maybe she will see the benefit in being consistent.

flipityflopity Thu 06-Nov-14 22:57:24

Flapperty unfortunately not, considered it but there would be literally no room to move with a double in her room :-(

Hmmmwhatnow Thu 06-Nov-14 23:00:00

She's old enough to be a bit firm I think especially about the settling at night. It's ridiculous you having to lay with her.

I do end up with 1 or other (or all 3!) dcs crawling into bed mid night but that doesn't bother me however I am resolute about evenings as it is SO important you get some space to be alone and a grown up!

My approach with older DD (5) is I explain mummy needs a little peace at night yo tidyup have her tea and have a little alone time. I emphasise this by when she is grumpy/tired asking her if she would likea little alone/chill out time in her room. Might work better for me as it's usually away from annoying sisters.

anyway when she then tries it on at bedtime (and she does sometimes) I reiterate I am taking my time and why it's important and warn her that while I love her if she plays up I will be cross and there will be consequences eg missing one of her classes/toy removal or closing her bedroom door which is probably a bit mean. Ido the flipside then by telling her she can have a book in bed and I'll come check on her in 10mins. She has no concept of time and falls asleep before I go back.

Basically a mix of explaining, showing her love and security BUT being immovable onthe rule.

flipityflopity Thu 06-Nov-14 23:02:50

What do you mean by "if nanny gets her every night" mrsterror? She won't do the duty when I'm home, she quite rightly, sees it as my job.

Hmmmwhatnow Thu 06-Nov-14 23:03:10

Oh and at grandmas house they sleep in her bed and all go to bed at same time but they know that's not my rules!

ktd2u Thu 06-Nov-14 23:04:09

You already know the answer is persistence and rules. There isn't going to be a quick fix solution I'm afraid but at 6.5 she needs to learn now. Just be consistent with your message and try and get your mum to apply the same rules. As hard as it is and as bad as you feel - it is necessary and you can do it. You need time for you :-)

ghostvitruvius Thu 06-Nov-14 23:05:10

When you're home, you can have an "everyone in their own beds" rule. When nanny is in charge she can lie with her if she wants. If your DD ends up only getting into nanny's bed then she will have to deal with it.

flipityflopity Thu 06-Nov-14 23:06:36

Thanks hmmm, I only say things like that when I'm already pissed off tired. Sort of "will you please go to sleep I need to be on my own!" Then I feel guilty for being honest mean

MrsTerrorPratchett Thu 06-Nov-14 23:09:13

I know my mother will not follow through when I'm not here so when I am I'm the wicked witch. Exactly what ghost said. Either your DD will get used to those two sets of rules, or she will try to get in with Nanny every night in which case that becomes a consistency issue and your Mum will get on board.

flipityflopity Thu 06-Nov-14 23:09:27

Absolutely ktd. I know what I need to do :-)

Riverland Thu 06-Nov-14 23:13:44

The key is to be honest and kind at the same time.

flipityflopity Thu 06-Nov-14 23:13:58

Thanks ghost and mrsterror. I've definitely been too focussed on getting my own way all the time and not just on my time!
I just feel in the past my mums input had hampered mine but as you rightly say DD is old enough for abit of tough love now.

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