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Join our Sleep forum for tips on creating a sleep routine for your baby or toddler.

Join our Sleep forum for tips on creating a sleep routine for your baby or toddler.

Sleep

Is this controlled crying?

16 replies

Quietlyalert · 08/04/2014 18:19

Hi, I am trying to get my 17 week baby to have two to three naps in the day, totalling at least three hours, which I understand is recommended. I'm putting her down awake to help her self settle, the problem is even if she's sleepy, as soon as I put her down (whether in the crib or the Sleepyhead, which we usually use for daytime naps), she starts to cry, and then scream, for anything between 10 to 45 minutes before she eventually falls asleep. When she's screaming I don't leave the room but lie next to her stroking her hand or with my hand on her chest and shushing her til she sleeps. My question is.. is this controlled crying?? Should I be picking her up and rocking her when she screams and putting her back down. I wouldn't / couldn't leave the room and let her cry but it still feels cruel lying next to her and letting her cry. When she eventually goes to sleep she usually sleeps well for at least 45 min and sometimes up to three hours! And when she wakes up is happy again. I have another couple of questions on napping but will post them on a new thread so as not to confuse matters! Any advice or suggestions on how your help your babies to nap would be welcome. I do need to get some blackout blinds as her napping bedroom is quite light which I don't think helps. Thanks

OP posts:

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EmmaLL25 · 08/04/2014 18:39

No CC involves leaving baby at times intervals, with the times gradually increasing to an agreed maximum.

She's still quite young to be able to self settle. Good if she can but a lot of folk don't think about it to until at least 6 months.

Quietlyalert · 08/04/2014 18:47

thank you

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ShiningBright · 08/04/2014 18:59

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but your baby is massively distressed when you leave her to cry. If that isn't enough, her brain and body are being flooded with stress hormones that have a lasting effect on her brain.
Why should our babies settle into a routine just because we have convinced ourselves that is what they ought to do? And why should they settle on there own when millions of years of evolution has programmed them to only want to settle with you? If you really want her to settle on her own, there are gentle ways of doing it - try "The No Cry Sleep Solution" for ideas. If it feels cruel... don't do it!

Quietlyalert · 08/04/2014 19:11

thanks. i'm not so much concerned with routine than ensuring she gets enough sleep each day to be happy and healthy. my concern is that if i rock / feed her to sleep she doesn't stay asleep half as long. i'll check out that book you recommend, thanks.

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EmmaLL25 · 08/04/2014 21:02

If baby naps for 3 hrs sometimes that's great, we never got past 30 min in a cot (will do longer in pram/car).

I think a little crying can be normal for some babies going to sleep but screaming sounds stressful for you both.

If you google ISIS it has some useful information about sleep based on research. It says that any sleep training done prior to 6 months makes no difference to how babies are sleeping at 1yr (or something like that). The im

EmmaLL25 · 08/04/2014 21:04

The implication being that if you do do things to aid your baby to sleep before 6 months it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

I've also discovered after almost 11 months that any good habits or progress you make can very quickly be undone by teething, illness, developmental leaps and separation and anxiety. Progress therefore isn't linear so don't fret too much with all the ups and downs.

Quietlyalert · 08/04/2014 21:26

Interesting, thanks. And yes I'm dreading the onset of teething which I think is imminent!

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yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 08/04/2014 21:32

If it feels cruel letting her scream, why do you do it?
I wouldn't fight my natural instinct to pick up a crying distressed baby, surely it would make it less stressful for you both.

Quietlyalert · 08/04/2014 22:03

Because it's the only way she'll go to sleep for a decent length of time. Either she'll be sleep deprived / overtired or upset while she cries herself to sleep, I'm not sure which is the lesser of the two evils!

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ChazzerChaser · 08/04/2014 22:10

I'm in the if it feels wrong don't do it camp too.

Why does she need long sleeps? Perhaps lots of little naps suits her better? My son only slept on me or out and about in buggy for first 6 months as that's what felt right for me. We're all different. You don't need to do things for the sake of it, because someone else says it, if it feels wrong to you.

ChazzerChaser · 08/04/2014 22:12

And I agree look at ISIS. What is 'recommended' and 'normal' is very broad.

Quietlyalert · 08/04/2014 22:22

I'll check out Isis, thanks. I've been reading about sleep cycles taking 45 min and that naps less than that therefore don't have much value, which is why I've been aiming for baby to sleep for at least that. Also she does become very obviously tired and grouchy when she's been up for 90 min to two hours, but just fights sleep when i put her down.

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yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 08/04/2014 22:23

How many naps is she having?
Just wondered if more naps for shorter periods of time would work that was all, my 4 month old napped for 45 min stretches but quite a lot. And has never done this 3 naps of different durations that people seem to go on about, he's only 8 months now. And has 3 naps a day and has done from 5 months. Sometimes he surprises me with a big long nap after lunch, then tries to have a sneaky nap at 6, I've now learned that this is a bad idea and get dh to take him out for a walk in the sling (ds is a push chair hater)or I do and then he goes to bed at 7. I go by trial and error.
Sometimes I get it wrong but I couldn't cope with a baby crying themselves to sleep at every nap, it must be upsetting and exhausting for you both.

teacoffeesomethingsweet · 08/04/2014 22:31

My DS was a bit like that. His naps were never longer than 30 minutes until he was about 9 months (apart from when he was in the pram out and about). He could only stay awake for an hour and a half and then would have a wee sleep. I just went with it, CC was not for us, or any form of CIO. His naps got much longer at 9 months, just like that. It's true what they say- sleep is developmental too.
17 weeks is still tiny, I'd say just do what feels right. Plenty of time to master self settling!

pinkr · 10/04/2014 19:02

self settling isn't a magic thing. dd always has self settled but she's an up six times A night just for the hell of it type of gal.

Littlef00t · 18/04/2014 14:53

Agree that every parent has to go with their gut. Just want to mention I've been following baby secrets that talks about spaced soothing to teach self settling. You let the LO cry for 1 min then try and soothe by stroking, shushing for up to 2 mins, if still distressed can cuddle etc until calm and put down. Lengthen the crying before soothing up to 5 mins. After 1 hour do what you like to get a nap, eg rock to sleep.

Tried it today properly for the first time and she abruptly stopped crying in under 2 mins and slept. As this is how long it can take to use the loo I didn't feel it was harsh.

Less extreme than CC.

Also, would check that you are putting her down at first sign of tiredness before she is crying too much.

Hth

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