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Baby needs to learn to self soothe or will be sold at next nct sale

(35 Posts)
bellini1 Wed 26-Mar-14 04:55:10

I know that are are lots of threads along these lines already but just wanted to start my own so I can rant. Dd is nearly 7 months old and cannot cannot cannot self soothe at night . Not so bad in day . Basically I dream feed her at 10.00/10.30 ( I had ditched this but saw a sleep nurse who said to reintroduce) then she wakes at about 2.30 and it takes anywhere up to 2 hours to get her to go back to sleep. She isn't screaming the whole 2 hours . I either have to bounce her, or hold her hand in cot or give her the dummy whilst patting her. As soon as I stop any of these things she stirs and starts crying and thrashing around.

On advice of sleep nurse I tried PUPD but only did it for 3 nights as each night it was 3 hours of hell . She has never slept longer than 4 hours at night and was, up until last week waking at 11.30 , 1, then 4.

I was feeding her to sleep so she's definitely developed a bad sleep association . I'm now trying to not feed her unless all else fails . Currently feeding now as it's 5am and I've even up with her since 2.30 am .

How the hell do I get her to get herself back to sleep? Do I preserve with pupd ? Absolutely going out of mind and crying as I'm typing this .

xmastime2013 Wed 26-Mar-14 05:05:33

Didn't want to leave your post unanswered but I don't have an answer for you (mum to worst sleeper in the universe here - currently having a hell is night with my 3 year old. I do remember feel g desperate at 7 months - think the longterm sleep deprivation took its toll. I went to a la leche league meeting and although they didn't give a solution it made me see I wasn't alone and I learnt to be a bit kinder to myself. Good luck x

pebbles1234 Wed 26-Mar-14 05:05:36

I don't know the answer, but am posting as doing pretty much the same and am exhausted! Baby cOuld self settle but 2 weeks on holiday have thrown it all out sad plus toddler will probably wake in about 30 mins (hopefully I'm joking, he's a great sleeper!)

Sympathy! Xx

TotallyFoxed Wed 26-Mar-14 05:09:47

Sorry you're feeling so awful. I'm currently up feeding ds2. As soon as he wakes I feed him quickly before he's had the chance to even wake up properly and we're all snuggly in the dark so every feed is kind of like a dream feed and then I can usually pop him back down pretty soon. He usually wakes at about 11, 1.30, 4, 7. It's normal. As is feeding to sleep. It's what they're designed to do and is lovely and warm and usually the quickest way for everyone to get back to sleep.

One of the main things I learnt with ds1 is that whatever 'method' you use to get then to sleep longer, they either do or they don't. Nothing really seems to make any difference, it all just kind of falls into place as time goes on whatever people do. That's, of course, just based on anecdotal evidence of all the friends I had with babies the same age plus reading mn. Some people go through the mill trying this and that trying to have an effect and others just go with the flow and we've all ended up with toddlers who sleep pretty well. Because that's generally the course of things. So this time I've not even considered the very concepts of 'self soothing' or methods like PUPD - I simply pick him up at the first stirrings, give him what he needs and snuggle back to sleep. Just following the path of least resistance and it's quicker and calmer and I know we'll get there in the end. Hope you get some more rest.

SarahThane Wed 26-Mar-14 05:15:58

All I can say is bleufh..........

stillhopefulforanother Wed 26-Mar-14 07:04:53

I do agree with Totally. I never did any form of sleep training at all with my son and he is a good sleeper as a toddler.

However I now have a 6.5 daughter who for the past week has been waking every 90 mins and I'm totally shattered. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and blame illness teeth or something else. I boob her to sleep at night and also during the night. But before this wee she was only waking once or twice at night.

Any ideas anyone?

bellini1 Wed 26-Mar-14 07:17:54

Totallyfoxed I think your advice is very sensible ( and everyone else's!) and if may just be that I roll with it and feed her and she'll stop eventually . My ds is 2 1/2 and he's the total opposite- a great sleeper . I'm pretty stubborn so I'm still willing to try different method . I'm going to write off sleep training this week as we are away all weekend and I might try something next week if anyone has any ideas . Otherwise I'll give in and hope for the best .

KatAndKit Wed 26-Mar-14 07:34:35

7 months is still young to go without a night feed whatever the sleep books say. If you drop the dream feed go to bed early yourself and then feed her when she next wakes you might find you are both back to sleep quicker. I would say for a lot of babies that age, not sleeping longer than four hours at a time is fair!y usual when you factor in teething, weaning, separation anxiety, sleep regression etc etc etc.
You can try in vain to change the baby. I tried this too, mine was an atrocious non sleeper, I read all the books, unfortunately he did not read them and it just ended up increasing my frustration.
Or you can change how you deal with it. Accept that yours, like a lot of them, is not a good sleeper yet and can't go through the night without feeds. Work out a plan with your partner to make sure you both get at least a survivable amount of sleep and night wakings cause the minimum of fuss. It isn't forever. For us things got dramatically better around the time of his first birthday.

stillhopefulforanother Wed 26-Mar-14 09:52:38

Super sensible advice katandkit. I was up every 90 mins last night and you've totally put it in perspective for me.

There is south going on with them, all those things you mentioned. I think I'm expecting too much of my little one.

Thanks for your sensible advice. Really helped me.

KatAndKit Wed 26-Mar-14 10:09:43

You're welcome, let's hope I remember my own advice when baby 2 is here later in the year! However I have specifically requested a good sleeping baby This time round

Estrellita Wed 26-Mar-14 12:46:29

Super sensible advice all around here. My DD was exactly the same, always needed help getting to sleep, multiple night wakings until very recently. Even supposedly gentle methods of sleep training, like pupd, shush pat, gradual withdrawal were lost on her. Never resulted in anything but hours of crying for both of us. Tweaked routines endlessly to no effect. So we just did whatever we could to help her get to sleep, and to maximize sleep time for ourselves, even if it meant going to bed early, sleeping in shifts, taking turns getting up, trading weekend lie ins, napping during the day if possible, and co sleeping with DD.

Good news, a couple of months ago she started asking to get in her cot at bedtime, laying down and going to sleep with no feeding, rocking, cuddling etc. Just her lullaby music, favorite blanket and someone to hold her hand. She is usually out in about 15 minutes and sleeps through 12 hours most nights. Bad news, she just turned 2 last month!

You may find success with some firm of sleep training when your baby is a bit older, or you may have to persevere for awhile and put management and coping strategies into place while the situation lasts. Contrary to the books, I do think that this is just the way some babies are. You can drive yourself insane trying to force the issue before they're ready, or you can ride it out, give them what they need and do your best to cope. Keep trying different things, but try not to despair if they are not effective. Wait awhile, then try again, or try something else.

It is very hard. Good luck to you!

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals Wed 26-Mar-14 12:48:35

PUPD doesn't tend to work if they're too easily over stimulated. I would try going back to drowsy but awake and go from there. Make sure that he's not overtired before bedtime as it will only make it worse.

Just try and always give the opportunity to self soothe. I used to do the routine, making sure that milk was at the beginning of the proceedings so;

Bath if required
Teeth (if required)

This removes the association

Then put down after a cuddle and leave him to it. Try just 5 minutes and then go back in for a quick bum rub until he went over. He eventually started to just go over in that 5 minutes. I didn't feel it was too cruel but that's your decision

bellini1 Wed 26-Mar-14 14:19:16

I think the general gist here is that I should just accept and relax!! I don't think I can cope with night after night if 4 hour battles so if I just feed her she will go beck to sleep . Other thing I was thinking was about when I put dd down for bedtime at 7 she generally is asleep , so should I try and put her down semi awake? Thinking that might help self soothing?

Nocomet Wed 26-Mar-14 14:24:00

Co sleep and let her feed.

Nocomet Wed 26-Mar-14 14:25:08

Why fight, why struggle, why worry and why make everyone miserable?

Martorana Wed 26-Mar-14 14:25:12

If feeding sends her to sleep, then feed her. The line of least resistance is the way to go- honestly. Whatever gets the most sleep for the most people. Thee is a school of that says that self soothing is a myth anyway!

Gerty1002 Wed 26-Mar-14 14:55:06

No advice but just wanted to sau you're not alone. I'm going through similar with 6.5mo DS, but he is ff so feeding to sleep not an option, plus I know he's not hungry as he's not even interested in morning bottle anymore.

Cosleeping helps him sleep, but not me unfortunately and I end up aching all over the next day. Last night DP and I took half the night each sleeping on the floor next to his cot. It's getting desperate and I can feel myself getting more and more run down.

Fingers crossed we both get some decent sleep soon. Good luck!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 26-Mar-14 15:00:34

If feeding works then just do it, she will find her own way in time.

My DS2 is 3 this week and has only really got the hang of settling himself to sleep in the last month.

We are exhausted, but he has never slept much and doesn't find it easy to drop off. He's bright and full of beans, he isn't overtired, he just snaps awake in about 2 seconds and then can't settle down again.
We did try CC in desperation once, but he just screamed and screamed and worked himself up - just has DS1 did when we tried it with him.

Some children just need more help getting to sleep, in the same way that some kids pick up reading with no effort while others need lots of support and help.

pinkr Wed 26-Mar-14 18:43:32

7months here and dd is regular as clockwork... guaranteed to see ten,one.three and five in the night. The most she'll do is three hours but only after first bed at seven. The rest of the time it's two hours. I've been holding out the feeding but resulted in being awake from three till five. She'll settle whilst I'm patting or holding but as soon as I'm back in bed she'll start again. Eventually I give in and feed herenvy

stillhopefulforanother Wed 26-Mar-14 19:45:45

I feel better reading these responses.

I'm just SO exhausted, I'm getting so run down that I'm starting to get injuries. Every day I ask myself, is my feeding her to sleep at the start of the night causing her to wake do much. My gut is saying no, I think it's illness, teeth, separation anxiety etc.

I read on the Internet about not feeding to sleep/sleep associations/self soothing/blah it's driving me bits and makes me anxious.

It's so hard isn't it.. Sorry feeling tired and over emotional

Estrellita Wed 26-Mar-14 20:44:52

Sorry you're in the thick of this and struggling. Are there any coping strategies you can put in place to help you get more rest? Can you go to bed early or co sleep and feed lying down? If co sleeping is not an option, do you have a partner who can help out a bit at night? Or family or a friend that could come over in the daytime so you can rest?

pinkr Wed 26-Mar-14 21:00:46

I've been told by two different people today alone that cc helped them greatly...I just don't think I have it in me but I'm exhausted.
No family nearby,Co sleeping doesn't work, she won't take a bottle and screams hysterically if dh tries to settle her, she screams if I try to feed lying down.
cc is scaring me but I can't function like this either...I feel I'm missing the best parts of her because I'm so exhausted I just want her to play in her swing or nest during the day so I can lie on the couch.
Your not alone op.

sheeplikessleep Wed 26-Mar-14 21:11:21

Ds3 is 7 months and similar. I always feed him to sleep and was beginning to wonder if I should start to break the association.

Most nights, he is up 3 times. Some nights, he has slept through 7pm until 4.30am. No rhyme or reason why so inconsistent. I always do the same - just feed him quickly until he falls asleep and put him down.

I've had a conversation with DH tonight about it. Should I start to disassociate feeding from falling asleep. Gawd though, the thought of not feeding him to sleep in the night fills me with dread.

I did a similar thing with ds2 when he got to 10 months. He was on 3 decent meals a day by then, plus bf's in the day. DH ended up cuddling and patting him back to sleep through the night. It took 3 nights and then he was sleeping through. I will probably follow the same thing if we are still up 3 times a night in a few months with ds3.

Thereishope Wed 26-Mar-14 21:48:32

Try cc. It worked for me after two nights. The first night was challenging. I spent one hour picking up ds, reassuring him and laying him back in his cot. I stood just outside of the door where he could not see me.

The second night ds cried but was not delirious. He cried and fussed then fell asleep.

Ever since then I bathe him and lay him in his cot. He fusses, plays then falls asleep.

He is my second dc though. I just could not do cc the first time and I paid for it! Dd did not sleep unless we lay patting her. This stopped when she was 3 years. There is no way that I am willing repeat that especially as I return to work this year.

You have to persevere.

ThatsMyOnlyShirt Wed 26-Mar-14 22:01:15

OP you have my sympathy.

This thread has made me feel so much better about my 9 months "sleep associations" etc.

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