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Trying a new sleep method without me...

(35 Posts)
MoreSnowPlease Fri 22-Mar-13 18:34:58

I am currently sitting in another room to my baby and dp is aiming to get him off to sleep. This is massive for us as DS has always been breastfed to sleep and co-slept with us, but next to me. He is 9 months old and I can't take it any more. He wakes very frequently in the night every night. I have not slept more than 90 mins at once since he was born and that was on a good night. It's usually 30-60 mins.

He's trying to get him calm walking around and then put him in bed awake but stay with him and comfort etc...I am not holding out much hope...he is the sort of baby that screams till sick within a couple of minutes.

I can hear him crying and it's breaking my heart...actually maybe I should just go to him and put up with the shit sleep sad

I'm just broken...

teacher123 Fri 22-Mar-13 18:50:32

I am holding your hand via mumsnet!

Stay strong,you are trying to help him sleep better and you need your sleep!

ktef Fri 22-Mar-13 19:18:25

No time to reply as dc calling, but I have just gone through this with ds3 10 months). Don't give up!! You can do it and so can he! It's worth it! He won't break, your dp is with him, so he is not alone. I promise you just need to see a little improvement and you'll know you can do it.

ktef Fri 22-Mar-13 19:21:24

Really, you can do it! If you can't cope with it tonight then try again in a week. And in the meantime, build your plan with dp, and notice how hard it is getting no sleep, and then try again.

MoreSnowPlease Fri 22-Mar-13 19:59:09

I gave up after about 5 mins of hearing him cry!

I was hoping he wouldn't cry and would settle for dp but no such luck. Don't know why I thought it would work, would have done it a long time ago if I had thought that!

Going to come up with a new plan...thanks for the encouragement!

StrawberryMojito Fri 22-Mar-13 20:10:24

Are you at work? I had a similar situation and returned to work at 10 months. It couldn't have carried on, simple as.
I wound down the night feeds and yes, I did leave him to cry for short periods. Mine was a scream til sick baby but I found, at that age, as long as I responded to him, he did know what I wanted of him (lots of "goodnight, sleepy time" before leaving the room) as the cries were more of angry protest than actual distress. I never left him for more than 6-7 minutes but I did not bf him, that is what he is waking for. It got better.
My DS is still not a wonderful sleeper but 3-4 nights a week, he sleeps through 12 hours.

MeeWhoo Fri 22-Mar-13 20:16:22

My Ds (18 mo) sound similar to yours, he normally goes around 2 hours at a time, but a lot less if he is teething, which at the moment is all the bloody time...
I am hoping he will grow out of it, but if I get fed up, I intend to try this method, although it's not reccommended for under 1 year olds.
It seems a bit more gentle for the parents of babies used to co-sleeping, even though I am sure the baby will protest, but at least you know you are there and comforting him rather than in a different room listening to him crying.Maybe you can start trying some of the techniques, like putting him down again before fully asleep whenever you can and see if he then goes a bit longer...
Best of luck

MoreSnowPlease Fri 22-Mar-13 20:17:28

No not at work but ds is far harder work than any job I've ever had as been walking a few months and into everything and also very demanding.

I just can't listen to him cry, if he did settle without crying or just a but of moaning then I could do it but it turned into full on crying in few mins and I can't cope with that.

It would be such a big change for him, think we are going to need to break it down into smaller steps.

MoreSnowPlease Fri 22-Mar-13 20:36:18

I like the jay gordon method apart from that he seems to think that baby will go back to sleep with you beside him if you interrupt his feed. My ds doesn't do this. If I stop him feeding early he fusses until fully awake and then cries...

Have you tried this method mee ?

StrawberryMojito Fri 22-Mar-13 20:42:45

I didn't mean to imply it wasn't exhausting because you aren't working, I was just saying that returning to work forced me into being tougher with DS as I couldn't have functioned professionally with the nights being as they were. Believe me, I know how demanding it is being at home with the baby, but my job required a different level of concentration.

The only advice I can give is to stop feeding him at night, even if it means you have to cuddle him for ages whilst he is upset, he will learn. I know I sound harsh but 9-10months ago, I was saying the same things as you and was co-sleeping/bf ing at night. Eventually, DS started to want more room to sleep and a bf didn't always settle him so that also contributed to us forcing change. Good luck.

MeeWhoo Fri 22-Mar-13 20:53:27

I haven't tried it yet too much of a wuss, but I think the older he is the more angry he will get (at least inthe case of my ds) until he is actually old enough to understand that mum needs her sleep
Lately I have been trying to put ds down when he is not fully asleep, although not if is teething badly or if I can't be bothered at that particular time of the night. Yesterday when I put him to bed he had his feed and then talked to himself for a couple of minutes while I rubbed his back and fell asleep. Could be this trying to put him down only half asleep or a coincidence...

teacher123 Fri 22-Mar-13 21:30:15

Lack of sleep is the worst thing. It robs you of the energy to try to make changes to help you get more sleep, as at 2am, you'll do anything to make the crying stop...! I reckon try and stop feeding to sleep at bedtime and let the night feeds take care of themselves. There's no way that a 9mo NEEDS to feed every hour all night, it's a comfort thing. He's stirring and can't settle back without you. He may still need some feeds overnight, which is fine. If you can eradicate him just waking to comfort feed, then hopefully you'll get slightly longer gaps. Also feed him lots late afternoon and make sure his bedroom is nice and warm and cosy. (Not too hot obviously)

Sending you big hand holds and good luck hugs. You may have to let him cry to get him to settle on his own, but such sleep deprivation is unsustainable for you.

PhyllisDoris Fri 22-Mar-13 21:33:31

Best thing is to go out and leave DH to it. They will both be fine. grin

teacher123 Fri 22-Mar-13 21:35:35

Or like Phyllis said. Just go out!

hillyhilly Fri 22-Mar-13 21:36:55

Might be hard to hear but I think you could be a bit tougher without doing him any harm at all.
You both would feel better in the daytime with better sleep

MoreSnowPlease Sat 23-Mar-13 08:04:52

hilly and what if it did do him harm?I would never forgive myself, and my belief is that leaving a baby to cry does do them harm, and I just won't do it

Same with going out while his dad does it, I think it might even be worse for me because I would be imagining the worst and have to come back anyway.

strawberry sorry, wasn't having a go, just justifying my tiredness I guess, but you're absolutely right, at least I don't have to function too highly like I would at work! I think we are having the same issues as you were as the real problem for me is getting him off to sleep at bedtime, he just can't seem to do it with feeding as well any more, this is also starting to happen during the night too sad

mee I tried unlatching him early last night everytime he woke but he wasn't having any of it!

teacher I think you are right we need to tackle the initial feed to sleep and possibly get him out of our bed at the same time so he doesn't smell me and want me to keep him asleep. He is definitely feeding for comfort most of the time. He does know how to settle himself, he does it all the time when he wakes from naps in buggy, because he is used to it. Just need to get him used to cot with the same method I used for buggy (taking him out everytime he cried!)

LadyWidmerpool Sat 23-Mar-13 08:12:57

Our baby is very similar and nothing helped. All I could do was power through. (We didn't co-sleep though.) She is 18 months now and regularly sleeps for 8 hours plus in one go which is heaven. Some babies just don't follow the script but it will get better eventually! Good luck.

teacher123 Sat 23-Mar-13 08:37:43

The other thing to think about is that you must need some space as well-if DS is completely 100% reliant on you to sleep, that's a lot of pressure on you.

Maybe consistently try an approach for a few nights and see what happens. But you have to prepare DS for it I think, otherwise it really isn't fair. Maybe try thinking what you want to achieve-eg for him to sleep in his cot from 7-11 so you can have an evening? So do a routine based on achieving that goal. Someone told me on here that babies like to wake up where they fell asleep, and Ferber mentions it as well. If you feed to sleep and then put then in their cot, it's like us falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in the bath! Very confusingsmile

MoreSnowPlease Sat 23-Mar-13 08:54:58

lady I have always been of the mindset to just power through and he obviously needs me there and needs the comfort etc... But I am now waking up angry with him every morning and every time he wakes from a nap, I don't think it's fair on him or DP, it's just all a bit much now. I also think he is ready to stop co sleeping. He wakes up from naps (which will last up to 2.5 hours) very happy, and they are taken in buggy without me, he self settles for them. But when it comes to night time, he fidgets all night long, and needs me to feed him to settle which is now not working as well as it used to anyway.

teacher you're right, I do need some space, but I also find it very hard to be without him. It all goes back to the feeding problems he has which meant he basically screamed his way solidly through the first four months sad these are still not sorted out and we both have a really hard time feeding, he has moved most of his feeding o the night as its easier when he's half asleep. He is in our bed so currently wakes up where he falls asleep so that's not the problem but may become a problem if I try and put him in a cot.

My plan was going to be to get DP to walk him around till he falls asleep and then try and put him in cot, he usually wakes when we've tried this before but hopefully with perseverance it will work. Then bring him into bed with me when he wakes and carry on as usual. This way with time he might get used to going in his cot and down by himself.

However, he would wake in a different place to where he fell asleep and so this will probably mess the whole plan up...

The only other option I can think of is to start cutting his naps short so he s knackered and just sleeps because of that!

teacher123 Sat 23-Mar-13 14:24:04

What is the overall shape of your day like? And does he take many solids? Sounds like he's reverse cycling and relying on catching up at nighttime. What were his feeding problems? (Sorry, lots of questions!)

MoreSnowPlease Sat 23-Mar-13 15:47:15

Feeding problems all stemmed from posterior tongue tie, being forced onto boob for 4 days at hospital, didn't feed until I discharged myself and fed at home, then the pain started, most agonising pain of my life until around 3 months, he had to cut at 4 weeks but pain continued. He may still have a tt, then dealt with everything from oversupply, under supply, mastitis 3 times, plugged ducts, milk blisters, silent reflux, colic, cmpa etc....the list goes on and is basically because he can't latch, he just sucks on my nipple. I'm not sure why but there's literally no getting around it.

Day goes something like this:

6/7am get up have breakfast
9/10am nap for between 1.5 and 2.5 hours in buggy
3/4pm nap for between 30 mins and 1 hour in buggy
7/8pm bedtime with me
Wake every hour to feed back to sleep

During day he probably has about 4 feeds. His feeds take about 30 seconds. We go out during the day most days when he's not napping, he is active constantly when awake so nothing to do with not being active enough. He doesn't have very consistent solids but on a typical day he may have a few fingers of toast, some veg sticks, and maybe 5 bites of whatever we are having for dinner.

I have tried tanking him up more in the day for feeds but he's not interested and anyway, the way he feeds so quickly makes it impossible to get much into him.

He basically snacks and now I'm writing this down it seems like this may be the problem.

Thanks for all your help, I'm just at my wits end sad

teacher123 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:25:55

God it sounds like you've had a horrendous time of it you poor thing. It sounds like he's not eating much at all during the day and is making up for it at night. (Disclaimer-not an expert here!) Will he take a sippy cup or bottle of ebm or formula in the daytime to try and get more milk into him that way? Lots of yoghurts?

HappyJustToBe Sat 23-Mar-13 17:35:16

I can't offer any advice regarding the sleep as DD is horrendous still at 21mo. We did found however that if we warmed the sheet of her cot with a hot water bottle we could transfer her without her waking up.

DD was very reliant on me and BF to sleep until about 1yo when I went away overnight and she coped beautifully with DH. I think she was better because she had seen me leave though I was so sceptical and was so close to not going.

Good luck. It is truly the hardest thing DH and I have faced as a couple.

MoreSnowPlease Sat 23-Mar-13 17:43:00

He's intolerant to cows milk so can't have formula, we do have a prescribed formula from when he was struggling to put weight on, could use that but something stopping me, not really sure what, probably determination to breastfeed despite it working properly which is really stupid, I know!

Really I should express an bottle feed, but it's so much more hassle.

I am just making excuses really because I just feel so shit about it all and don't think anything will work, head in the sand type thing. This whole 9 months I always get excited about a new method that might finally get him to sleep, and they never work!

Going to try the formula tonight and see what happens smile

MoreSnowPlease Sat 23-Mar-13 17:44:37

*not working properly

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