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High Needs Baby Support Group (thread V)

(351 Posts)
PeggyCarter Mon 31-Dec-12 20:16:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClimbingPenguin Sun 17-Feb-13 21:54:49

<pops back in>

Hello everyone

natmu how awful that DH lost it like that. I hate that some people can't accept that some babies don't learn by crying and they just get more distressed. DH was fully on board with DS.

At 16 months DS now does his nap in the cot and is starting to have nights of going to sleep in the cot. He has never done a full night in it though. For a whole month around 10 months he gt to sleep in the cot by patting/shushing, however the process never took less than 45mins, normally an hour, so we went back to rocking/laying. To be honest he only really took to laying next to us regularly when he was 13 months and we are still grateful to be in that phase. We are also just happy that he mostly sleeps between night feeds, so that fact they are still every 3 hours isn't too bad for us.

He is really out of being cling in the day time now, unless he is particularly tired. When he does play, he plays for longer than his nearly 3 year old sister and doesn't require constant input like she does.

She was high needs in a different way, woke and fed every two hours until she was about 15 months. Wakes at least once most nights now. Requires a lot of input, however if you give it to her she is happy. She was never clingy, would have her fed and then either roll over to go to sleep or was happy to be put down in her cot. He was predictable so the two hourly wasn't a problem and she was either awake or asleep. People used to be horrified for us, but it was fine. DS was the one who nearly broke me.

bonbonpixie Mon 18-Feb-13 00:14:41

Hi everyone. May I join? Can't believe DD is 9 months now and I have just found this thread. Actually it couldn't have come at a better time/worse time. As today has been so so challenging. I've spent most the day in tears thinking I was the worst parent in the world. I read the Dr Sears links almost crying with relief as DDs behaviour mirrors just so many of those listed there. We are co-sleeping and are still bf ALOT both day and night, generally she is a very poor sleeper and wakes upwards of 6x in the night. DH when at home (he works overseas for a month at a time, 4 or 5 times per year or more) is sleeping in a spare room and really doesn't see much of me in the evening. So i think is getting very jealous and resentful. Add on top of that the near constant moaning, crying to full screaming if she is unhappy several times an hour, refusing most solids, eczema, possible allergies (but actually I haven't a clue if I'm on the right track with these) plus all of the normal teething stuff DH finds her pretty impossible. It just breaks my heart that he has so little patience with her and such unrealistic expectations of a 9 months old. We don't have any family close by, all a very long plane journey away and it's all getting a bit intense. I really don't know where to go from here. I've spoken to the HV about DD but she is not much help and I don't really know what support is available in terms of detecting possible allergies/reflux so probably I'm not asking the correct questions. I would love for us to be able to enjoy our baby the way our friends do with theirs and I'm so tried of making excuses for DD grumpiness. So sorry for the long post. In the next few weeks we are going to attempt to get her out of our bed and into her cot. Just reading that some of you are on the start road with cots just now - fingers crossed it works for you.
Also we decided that after today we will put DD in nursery for two days per week soon. DH thinks it will solve all of our problems but I just don't see how it can possibly work as the longest she has been apart from me is about 3 hours in her whole life! Has anyone any tips about the transition to nursery? Actually would really appreciate any advice at all. Thanks for "listening" to the rant. Feeling a lot better now I know there are others going through similar!

LittleMachine Mon 18-Feb-13 20:48:48

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been very absent recently. This is because DS sleeps through now and I can leave him to play in his play pen while I do the housework and stuff.


Not really. He's awful at the moment. My body aches every day when I 'wake' up because of hauling him around everywhere.

Sorry to hear about some difficult times. I will try and catch up properly soon.

<chucks cake around to everyone and tries to put DS down so I can have a brew>

Hugs all round.

PeggyCarter Mon 18-Feb-13 21:49:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nightmoves Mon 18-Feb-13 21:51:44

When I read your first paragraph I was like 'no way!!!! What magic has little performed? Amazing!!!'. Now disappointed for you but slightly relieved also.

Nightmoves Mon 18-Feb-13 21:54:12

Joyful good to hear from you. Good luck for Thursday and hope the chicken pox pass soon. It must be so horrible when they don't understand. So unfair.

bonbonpixie Mon 18-Feb-13 23:44:38

Oh no the dreaded pox! Joyful you must be so stressed and poor itchy babies. There has been a bit of an outbreak where we are in Scotland and I must admit to being very paranoid about DD catching them, DH is away again soon and I just don't think I could cope with her being that sick on my own. I've become that mother scanning all of the babies at our groups for spots or scratching! I must look as crazy as I feel!

The thing about allergies is pretty vague. DD had reflux as a little baby, so lots of back arching and lots of vomiting. She was prescribed ranitidine and I also gave up milk/soya. So far so good. Then we had a few months of mad travelling to places where I couldn't remain dairy free but actually it didn't seem to make a difference. We had to stop ranitidine at this point too. Then whilst at home in October we noticed a rash on DD chin and two week later she was covered in infant eczema. It wasn't so bad at first and really didn't seem to bother her but is now quite bad, especially round her neck and underarms. If left unsupervised she will scratch these areas until they bleed. So now we are dairy free again and it's improved up to a point but still needs managing. Problem is we tried so many different things at once to solve it I'm not sure which is helping. I'd really like it not to be the dairy as DD eats so little as it is and it's so calorie rich. Plus yogurt is the only thing she will reliably eat! Sorry again for the long post.

Actually we have had a bit of improvement on the eating front today. DD will eat, whatever I give her it seems as long as I jump about in front of her like a loon. And I mean serious jumping, I feel like I'm doing aerobics. If other babies respond to the same maybe we should set up a cabaret act!

LittleMachine Tue 19-Feb-13 09:30:03

Oh my god! First night ever with no night feed (well bottle since he self weaned). We've had hourly waking for 3 weeks (back teeth, croup and developmental leap) but last night he slept in his cot from 8:45-4:15 and then straight back to sleep in with me until 7! I'm in shock and kicking myself for deciding to make some casseroles instead of going to bed.
Usual clinging monkey today though! However I find this easier to deal with when I don't have to go to work.

I hope I'm not the only one with good news.

LittleMachine Tue 19-Feb-13 09:31:13

bonbon, I am laughing at your dinner time bouncing grin

The things we do.

ClimbingPenguin Tue 19-Feb-13 12:28:52

Does any one else's babies not like being touched. DS is a clingy baby and very cuddly, but I do hold him under his legs and let him drape over me. He actually hates having his hands, legs held or when people (i.e. his sister) try to cuddle him in the normal way. Took me a while to work this out.

CabbageHead Wed 20-Feb-13 10:40:25

Hello all,

I am newbie but am old so may take me a while to figure out this techno conversation..

I have a 9mth high needs DS and it feels so wonderful to finally say that for the first time! (as nobody believes me!!!)

he is not as high needs as some of yours, but fits most of the criteria, traumatic birth, reflux, major separation anxiety, screamer at bedtime/pram/car until 6mths old, only slept upright on me, better now, won't settle for anyone else, won't sleep anywhere except cot (!), only if it's very dark and loud white noise, super curious and super active, overstimulated and OT all the time.. demanding, vocal, very placid in front of others mostly (so I look like a liar!)Etc etc.

so nice to see your chats and not feel so isolated.

DH went around convincing everyone that DS is perfect baby and not a problem at all (talk about denial!). I have no family here which is ok cos my family are all bonkers anyways and absolutely no help. Have kind well meaning MIL and FIL, 2SIL with normal babies who haven't a clue...

Did sleep school at 7mths (after sending SOS at 4.5mths) and just survived first overseas plane trip phew!

Hate condescending unhelpful paeds, love supportive RNs and mothers who get it

<smiles shyly, offers half devoured packet timtams ... R u kidding who,s got time to bake?!>

Climbing penguin, yeh my DS is fussy and sensitive but what you are experiencing is common with some high needs bubs and can be sensory processing disorder thing too...

LittleMachine Wed 20-Feb-13 11:15:52

Hi Cabbage and welcome.

What are timtams? <hovers over packet hopefully>

I have the opposite problem...DS is so awful in front of other people nobody believes me that he can be 'normal' and cheerful sometimes!
The criteria for this is generally that me and his dad have to be present in the room with him, we have to be in our house with nobody else there and it has to be a day where he's not going to nursery!

Consequently, I'm constantly accused of 'spoiling' him, and 'letting him rule the roost' by people who have had easy babies or no babies!

stargirl1701 Wed 20-Feb-13 20:49:22

Hi everyone. I have been directed here for some much needed support. DD is 5 months old. We are struggling. She has silent reflux and eczema. We've managed to deal with most of the symptoms but are really struggling with sleep. She won't nap unless she is moving (sling, car or pram) and wakes up as soon as we stop moving. I'm finding this really hard as I expected to get a break when the baby slept. We have started a routine from 'the no cry sleep solution' and it is working - she is falling asleep. But, we can't get her into her crib and have started co-sleeping. DH is really unhappy with this.

We are waiting for an appointment with a paediatrician. HV is excellent and phones/pops round at least once a week to see how we are. I try to get out every day to a group but sometimes find myself feeling worse after these. I can't help but notice how content the other babies seem. If DD has a meltdown the shock of the other mums is hard. Family/friends all say the same thing - just leave her to cry. I feel like all I do is syringe medication, which she hates, into her - Ranitidine x3 daily for the reflux and Lactulose x2 daily for the constipation.

I thought if just hang on things will get better. It's early days. But, she's 6 months in a fortnight. My mat leave is half way over. I haven't really enjoyed it at all. God, I'm crying as I write this. I was so worried about giving birth but it was lovely. I had no idea parenting a baby could be this relentless. I feel like I've coped with so much in 5 months (blood poisoning from infective mastitis meaning 8 days in the hospital, an operation to have my perineal stitches redone, fucking tonsillitis, low iron levels) and I don't know how much more I can cope with.

I had a night away this weekend to get some rest and some friends came round to help DH. They persuaded him to do CC. He didn't even phone to discuss it with me. I feel betrayed by the person I trust most in the world. I'm now scared to leave her again. My Dad has found a girlfriend (6 years since my Mum died) and doesn't seem interested in me or DD anymore.

I keep imagining people are going to hurt DD. My GP has arranged for counselling. I go for an assessment at the beginning of March.

I never imagined it would be like this.

Nightmoves Wed 20-Feb-13 21:54:31

Oh stargirl that's awful. What a horrible time you are having. It sounds like you're doing brilliantly, even if it is tough. Thank god you've got a good hv and you sound sorted in terms of referrals so that's good. It is still early days, even if it seems like forever. It will get better. Have you tried co-sleeping for naps? I know you might not want to encourage this, but it has just about saved my sanity. I can't believe your DH did that. No wonder you feel betrayed. Has he apologised since? Can he see why you were upset? Would he take the time to read some things on HN babies and in CIO? If he understood he might be more open to co-sleeping. Or maybe suggest sleeping separately i.e. one of you with DD and the other on their own getting some better quality kip? It is dreadful when you don't feel you're enjoying being a mum, even though we love our DC. You feel so guilty! Especially when seeing others with their contented DC who will just sit quietly. Things will improve though. Do whatever you can in the meantime to get some sleep. And totally ignore anyone who is negative or who criticises. You don't need it.

stargirl1701 Wed 20-Feb-13 22:40:56

Hi Nightmoves. Thank you for your message. I co-sleep for the last afternoon nap - mostly because I am exhausted by then. I use the pram for the first nap as it gets us out of the house nice and early.

DH has apologised for not discussing the CC and accepted it is unsuitable for babies under 6 months. He is concerned that we are 'making a rod for own backs' and that DD will become a clingy toddler.

I'm not sure sleeping apart will improve our marriage grin Things are still strained between us after the weekend. I've pretty much been on my own today. DH at work followed by a game of curling so he didn't come home till after 9pm. No Rhyme-time at the library today because of half-term. No baby yoga tomorrow hmm

CabbageHead Wed 20-Feb-13 23:35:52

Hi all, firstly to little machine, timtams are chocolate biscuits the ones that are everyone's favorites?.. Sorry I'm living Down Under didn't realize you don't have. Them over there! They are mega tasty and eversomoreish...

Secondly, Stargirl1701

I am really feeling for you and I know exactly where you are right now... By 4.5mths I was tearing my hair out from lack of support ESP from DH, and total sleep deprivation and anxiety. you have to tell urself u r doing the best job u can, and shut ur ears to crap advice, soothe ur bub as best you can, she is in pain and can,t communicate how scared and tired she is in any other way. Use ur sling, get a good one, ergo or manduca on eBay if u don't have one, the best way to wind down bub for naps/bedtime...

I have done so much research myself now and hindsight is so wonderful huh?!, you could be suffering from post natal anxiety which is diff but just as serious as PND... I didn't have any symptoms of PND except crying off and on which I put down to major sleep dep..

Take woteva medication u r offered because you need to survive this for yourself, your bub and for your family... No one else can do a better job and looking after ur precious one but you, and IT WILL GET BETTER.. JUST NOT RIGHT NOW!!!! But u NEED TO SURVIVE the pain now....

I was def anxious becos of the reflux, having a terrified screaming baby is enough to make anyone anxious and of course it's an ongoing circle, becos bub picks up on ur anxiety and then Freaks out even more and they don't feel secure if u r not secure. That was the biggest lesson for me, as I spent a lot of time being tired or worried and not really interacting as well as I shld with bub..

I went to a paed who was a bit of a wanker but he thought I shld be on meds for PND, so at that point I was at my lowest after having shingles and all sorts of BF issues, my immune system was crap and I was in total exhaustion. I felt like I just needed to be hospitalized for sheer exhaustion lol! Anyway I leapt at the meds because I had to take painkillers for the shingles and that's how I raised how sleep deprived I was and what an impact it was having on being able to function. (the painkillers made me SLEEP total bliss!)

Everyone said on it will get better after 3mths etc etc, and it DID get better SLOWLY from 6mths when DS grew out of reflux slowly. Yes ranitidine is disgusting he wldnt take it at all, so I pushed for Omeprazole which we call Losec here, which doesn't stop the reflux but stops the burning neutralizes the acid or something like that. I had to stand my ground with the HVs about getting that med but it was the best, DS loved the granules, had no probs taking it... And miracles no more screaming in car or pram!!!!!!

Try and learn as much about reflux as you can there are some great websites about it, and a GP in Australia did major research into it and has a theory that reflux bubs often have major issues with fluid in their ears hence like sleeping upright and movement calms them too.. (eg as soon as u put bub down they start screaming)

Is DD swaddled tightly? That helped DS and really loud white noise as well as he is so noise sensitive, you can breathe in the room and he wakes up... DH and I used to have to crawl out of the room to stay down out of sight and not walk on any floorboard that creaked so annoying and hilarious and ridiculous lengths I have had to go to.. Also around that age I had to darken the room completely as he became so much more aware of his surroundings.. U prob know all this stuff already..

Don't worry about mothers group, I am positive that most mothers with high needs babies don't even get out of the house so u r coping so well.. I just stayed at home a lot which was bad for me but better than the cycle of overtired baby from lack of sleep. But when all the other bubs are sleeping at mothers group,and yrs is wide awake looking around (or worse) it makes u feel like shite.

After reading lots about HN bubs I know that in the future when their bubs are kids and are whining and whingeing, ours will be really well adjusted as it seems that these HN bubs actually get better with age... So it's a matter of being patient (yeah right!!!) and getting any help u can..

Good old dr sears website and book was gr8 help and also the happiest baby on the block book and ESP the CD... It has all this weird womb music and relaxing rain white noise etc, but some days when DS was really off the planet the only way I could get him to sleep was mega rocking and the weird womb music! Also the vacuum is a great machine for calming bubs so weird but true.

Sorry for the long rave... But u r doing an awesome job it's so hard work and no one can really understand what you r going thru unless they have been thru it themselves... And PS tell DH to rack off about co sleeping, tell him don't be ridiculous, do u really think she,ll be cosleeping with us when she is at university?! Send him as many email links as possible with info about baby wearing reducing crying etc attachment parenting... (in ur spare time ha ha)..

We never co slept cos DS was too noisy, refluxy and noise sensitive.. but I regret it. I think he wld not have such separation anxiety if we had.

ClimbingPenguin Thu 21-Feb-13 09:04:01

cabbagehead we co-sleep, DS still had a very long separation anxiety phase.

CabbageHead Thu 21-Feb-13 10:06:16

Climbing penguin oh that makes me feel better...? I was hoping for a short sep anxiety phase! Oh no don't tell me my clingon is going to linger on! Does the co sleeping help to settle them faster? Not that I'm going to try now, just curious about your experience..

So tired, DS has been waking 3times a night one time of which he stays awake for 2.5 hrs average and can't get back to sleep... Think it's mixture of milestone re standing up and crawling properly, teething, OT... Woteva it is it's driving me crazy...

Then i went to pharmacy today to get teething tablets and the baby consultant down there pounced on me (usually they r lovely but this one was quite horrible) and proceeded to tell me EXACTLY what I SHOULD be doing to settle him and it was her way or the highway. Not that I'm against advice, I,ll listen to anyone, always respect someone else's opinion, but it was her manner... Made me feel like crap.. I was pretty vague from lack of sleep but she made me feel quite stupid... WotEVA...

stargirl1701 Thu 21-Feb-13 16:56:12

Hi Cabbage. Wow! What a post, thank you. I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard when there is no end in sight. She slept for only 2 hours last night and just 2x10 min naps today. She is asleep now in my arms but stirring every 20 min or so. I'm sitting on my birth ball so I can bounce her back to sleep each time.

I'm just stunned that a baby sleeps so little. I thought I would be up in the night but not this. She sleeps far less than any adult I know.

Just have keep going till the appointment for the paediatrician comes through. I may have a nervous breakdown if they can't do anything.

Nightmoves Thu 21-Feb-13 22:25:03

stargirl hope you are having an ok night and managing forty winks. My DH is very resistant to sleeping in separate beds as he thinks it means 'the end'. I however think the end will come much quicker by my watching him sleep while I rock/sush/pat/feed screaming baby at 3am.

cabbage baby consultant in pharmacy!! Most impressed. Last week DS constantly standing and bouncing in cot. Most trying. He is at least lying down this week.

Going away for weekend tomorrow. Trying to impress on DH who is working am the importance of leaving at 12 so DS will sleep and getting a lot if vague nods and uh-huhs... Also trying to pack and organise and DS waking every 20 mins. It's as if he knows in trying to do something. Hv told me today if I don't attempt to tackle there is a good chance DS will still be like this when he is 3 and sleep issues will be harder to address then sad. Is she right?

stargirl1701 Thu 21-Feb-13 22:28:38

Hi Night. DH is upstairs battling the 'sleep is for wimps' DD grin I have had a night in front of the TV with wine!!!!

CabbageHead Thu 21-Feb-13 22:31:17

Cor blimey, I had 2x 3hr sleeps last night and I'm exhausted so not sure how you haven't had a breakdown yet!!!!! U r surviving well... Do you have a swing? I wish we had thought to get one, cos most of the mothers in my mothers group had their LO in naps in swings during th day which meant they weren't overtired at bedtime.. Whereas I struggled with day naps every day so nighttime was crap because DS was OT.. Therefore woke a lot at night time...And still is!

You def need to see the paed tho.. We had a hammock which he loved to be in but I am stupid and never thought of bouncing him to sleep in it until one day it was really hot and he had no sleep during the day, we put him in it to calm him down and bounced it up and down and hey presto he was asleep.. We didnt dare breathe until he woke up as he was in pure daylight in kitchen with birds chirping outside etc..!!! They use hammocks in some hospitals tho to get bubs to sleep...

Have you had her ears checked for ear infection? Could ask paed/hv for referral to ENT specialist.. Also could try Oseto... DS sleeps wonderfully after going to my osteo but I just can't afford to take him everyday lol!

I would rock DS to sleep (he is now over 10kgs!) and then collapse into my feeding chair carefully and keep Jim asleep on me upright...and every time he stirred I would jump up and keep moving...but at least u get to close your eyes that way! I think I wldve fallen off bouncy ball if I'd tried that! Too unco!

Yeh I remember counting each day minute hour until I could see sleep specialists in our area... The waiting list was so long but i felt. Like they were my only hope..!

<brings in tray of warm wobbly scones with loads of strawb jam and giant dollops of fake whipped cream>

CabbageHead Thu 21-Feb-13 22:45:11


I found this link useful...

stargirl1701 Thu 21-Feb-13 22:50:29

Mmmm. Scones! Lovely, lovely grin DD sees a chiropractor as she has asymmetry of the skull - the GP gave it a medical name beginning with 'pl'.

We've not tried a hammock...yet. I keep going by drawing on my past. I'm a teacher and I've had some bloody hard classes with some very damaged children in them. I'm not sure what I'll do when I don't get my summer holiday, mind you gringringrin

CabbageHead Thu 21-Feb-13 23:29:11

I just went home to visit my mum and sis thinking I,d get a break but that didn't happen of course as they are too wrapped up in their own worlds dammit! DS won't even sleep at grandmas, so I've taken to spending one day over there doing lts of cooking etc and getting him to sleep in pram knowing that I am there until he gets ver his sep anxiety... (Cor effing blimey... Can just imagine him Going to uni... But muuuuummmm aren't you coming with me......????)

Creature is awake must go... HO hum...

Best medicine is chatting to these chics or any other mothers with what I term 'normal bubs' (ones that DON'T STTN!!!).. I met 3other mothers at sleep school and we had ended up breaking into song at each lunch, dinner Brekkie feedings as one LO cried hysterically all the time, it was so lovely bonding with these amazing strong women with their normal non sleeping unsettled LOs!! We had so many laughs together and I begged them to start a commune together so we could continue our wonderful sharing.

<takes lid off fake cream can and surreptitiously looks around before squirting a gobful into mouth... Then sneaks out of room...>

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