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help, anybody up, controlled crying, baby inour room so she can see us ignoring her

(46 Posts)
Cerealqueen Thu 20-Dec-12 02:30:03

and really distressed, instinct says pick up, DP says no.... what do we do, its awful......

tuckingfits Thu 20-Dec-12 02:32:06

Pick her up. I'd feel awful if I were crying & the people I relied on to comfort me were ignoring me. In plain sight. And I'm 33.

tuckingfits Thu 20-Dec-12 02:34:10

Give her a cuddle,you'll both feel better. Sorry if my first post sounded a bit harsh - it wasn't meant to be,I wanted you to have a rapid reply. There are kinder ways than controlled crying. Not that I want to berate you. Kinder for your DD & kinder for you.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock Thu 20-Dec-12 02:34:48

sad

pick your baby up and comfort her. why is this so alien to some people? instincts exist for a reason. it's how we survive.

LoopsInHoops Thu 20-Dec-12 02:39:50

CC will not work if you are in the room. How old is the baby?

Pick her up. You need to really think this through before subjecting your baby to it, and it sounds as if you can't have if you're in there with her.

Pick her up, calm down, come back and we'll help you get through it.

civilfawlty Thu 20-Dec-12 02:45:27

Hello. Did cc by staying in the room sitting next to Ds. Used Andrea grace. If you have a chance to google. Am shattered and off to bed but happy to talk you through it tmrw though. Went from getting up every 90 mins to sleeping through in two days.
GL

civilfawlty Thu 20-Dec-12 02:45:47

Ps - is an excellent MN thread about it too.

humblebumble Thu 20-Dec-12 03:13:45

how old is your baby?

Flatasawitchestit Thu 20-Dec-12 04:05:53

Pick her up sad

MrsLyman Thu 20-Dec-12 04:48:03

Agree you have to pick her up. If she's still in your room I suspect she's far to young for this. There are lots of other things you can try have a read of the 'no cry sleep solution'

Cerealqueen Thu 20-Dec-12 07:52:51

Hello all, thank you for the responses. She is 13 months and the cot is still in her room and until now, she has been in our bed.
We are under the advice of a sleep clinic (end of our tether) who said we must be robot mummy and daddy but it just seemed cruel to let her cry, knowing we were there, and ignoring her, so yes, I picked up. I think DP was a bit peeved at first (this advice isn't cheap and he likes to follow advice prescriptive) but I just could not do it.
She came into our bed, I didn't breastfeed her (this has been the issue) and she fell asleep.
We have thought this through, I worried about it, emailed sleep consultant but she never got back to us.
Not very happy with the sleep clinic, the programme they gave us was skeleton to say the least, page and a half of A4 and clearly cut and pasted and not edited (him instead of her) and no advice about naps. sad confused.

LoopsInHoops Thu 20-Dec-12 09:23:27

Why is she in your room?

LoopsInHoops Thu 20-Dec-12 09:31:19

OK. There are many opinions on CC. I had to use it with both of mine, and it worked. When I say I had to, I was stressed, upset and getting NO sleep at all - for my own sanity I felt I really did have to.

If this is the route you really want to go down, I suggest you make it clear to other posters that you don't want a pro/con CC thread - they can get heated and won't help if you have definitely made up your mind.

With my older DD, I left DH to do it. It took 2/3 nights I think, of going in every few minutes to start with, then spreading it out a bit. I left the house, I was too upset to have anything to do with it. blush

With younger DD it took an hour or two, of whining, not actual crying. I think I had just got so used to being there, I'd forgotten how to leave her to it for a bit. Older DD was much more complicated (prem, twin was stillborn, etc.)

I really think you need to do the following before trying again:

1. Move her into her own room for naps.
2. Have a fairly rigid nap timetable. When little DD was 13 months I think she slept from about 10-11, then from about 1.30-3/3.30. Make sure this is in her cot in her room.
3. Have a long discussion with DH about your approach before starting - agree on 'what ifs'.

Keep it to either you or DH who goes in, don't confuse her more than she will already be.

It will work, but be kind about it. Please don't let her scream for ages, and staying in the room with her will not work.

ariane5 Thu 20-Dec-12 09:36:16

All of my dcs were bad sleepers, but dd1 (11) and ds1 (5) perfect now (from age 3 both were only waking if ill) that may seem a long time to wait for a full nights sleep but I couldn't have left them to cry.dd2 and ds2 (3 and 7 m) wake up all through the night and we are exhausted but all they want is a cuddle or milk and we know they will eventually sleep through.

Babies cry for a reason,personally I could not just ignore it. When we decided to have dcs we expected sleepless nights.Obviously cc works for some people though it is just personal choice. I know that in next couple of years all dcs will be good sleepers. OP I would say pick up your baby if she can see you ignoring her it will be very upsetting and confusing for her.

Cerealqueen Thu 20-Dec-12 09:50:19

She is in our room because we need to sort out the bedroom for her and DD1. She will not have her own room.

She was asleep within half an hour at first, woke at 12.20, self settled then woke at 2.20 am, did not settle, hence me posting last night.

Please don't mak me me feel bad, we did not choose this route lightly and have resorted to a sleep clinic on advice of HV when we can't really afford it but need the professional support. I am exhausted, it has been affecting me mentally and we have no help so no break, wakings 2/3 times a night or more since she was born. Ariane5, we expected sleepless nights too, but the DDs need a mother who can function.

thank you loops for the suggestion about naps and when to do them.

SledsImOn Thu 20-Dec-12 09:58:49

I don't think anyone wants you to feel bad.

I think we can all sense that you already do! You poor thing. You're just doing your best like the rest of us.

First off I get rather cross with so called sleep clinics...they're a money making exercise and it sounds like you've not had much help from them anyway.

I would ditch them. Babies do all learn to sleep in the end.

I can only tell you my own experience...I'm single so have never had any help from a partner. What I have done is sleep with my children, in my bed, feeding on demand. For as long as it took.

My most stressful point was when my mother suggested I put ds1 in his own room, when he was 2/3 - which involved persuading him to stay there, getting up to his shouts several times a night, and total crippling exhaustion for us both.

I decided I wasn't up for it, having tried it, and he stayed in my bed till ds2 was born and ds1 started school and flounced off to his own bed, where he slept beautifully, because the baby was too noisy smile

They have all slept really well next to me. That's all.

ds2 now self settles really well, I stopped bfing him when he was 4, which I never intended to do for so long but it helped him sleep so I just kept going. He just goes to bed and falls asleep now.

Maybe it is the lazy way, I don't know, but it has worked so well for us...I don't see the point in forcing the issue if it makes everyone so miserable.

I feel for you and hope you manage to find an answer, but do bear in mind that they all get there in the end, no training is necessary, you have to go with what works for you xxx

ariane5 Thu 20-Dec-12 09:59:01

OP Iam not criticising you at all, like I said it is personal choice.We made our decision on how to deal with dcs sleep issues based on their health issues and what we felt happy doing.I was not intending to make you feel bad, just to let you know how we have addressed sleep issues.

SledsImOn Thu 20-Dec-12 10:04:36

Sorry, the whole point of my post was to say, you might find you all sleep better if you just roll with it - same bed, or next to your bed, feeding to sleep, whatever it takes.

I have slept pretty well all the way through tbh - mainly because I wasn't having to wake up properly, I could just roll over and doze while they fed/etc. Getting upright in the middle of the night, let alone having to navigate to another room is probably the worst possible thing!!!

Being next to the child = very contented child, and mum gets to stay horizontal and mostly oblivious. Bonus grin

IWipeArses Thu 20-Dec-12 10:05:18

There's no point persisting if she can see you. I'm in almost identical situation, exhausting.
I'm working on the Pantley pull-off technique, from No Cry Sleep Solution and waiting it out. We're nearly there, she's slept through a couple times this week. My eldest slept through from around 15 months, and he was very demanding as a baby, so I know we'll get there.

I'm trying to make my self go to bed earlier though in the meantime, prioritise our health over 'relaxing' in front of the tv or getting the house spotless when I could be laying down some zzzzzzzzzzz

Anothercuppatea Thu 20-Dec-12 10:09:37

I just wanted to say. It sounds like a fairly normal 13 month old. Waking 2 or 3 times is not unusual. And itsounds like she can sometimes self settle, so she is doing quite well. By all means use cc if you think it will work and be good for your family etc. I am not here to judge. But just wanted to say you are doing ok! I think a lot of people think everyone elses children are sleeping through and there is something wrong with what they are doing themselves. But actually most 1 yr olds probably still wake a couple of times a night. Does she often take a long time to settle again? Is that why you are tired? I would tend to think a quick breastfeeding and back to sleep is easier than the stress you are going through just now?

ForkInTheForeheid Thu 20-Dec-12 10:22:27

2 or 3 times a night is not particularly unusual in a 13 month old, but I can appreciate you're absolutely exhausted and struggling. My DS was a really terrible sleeper. We co-slept til about 9 months then gradually got him to sleep in a cot in his own room.
I didn't follow a particular plan but it was probably kind of gradual withdrawal. Sitting by his bed and stroking his back, sitting on a chair near his bed, standing by the door (usually singing a song to him), then backing out the door.
I won't say it was particularly easy or quick but it did work. I went from being woken every 90 minutes- 2 hours to only being woken once or twice a night, and importantly for me he was never left to cry. I'm not sure when he eventually slept through regularly, probably about 2 years old I guess. Since then he's been a fantastic sleeper. I think routine is key as they get that bit older. (we've always done stories).
Good luck smile

DeckTheHallsWithBartimaeus Thu 20-Dec-12 10:25:27

I can sympathise.

The other day DH's friend asked us how we dealt with DS not sleeping as his 6 month old (his DD2) wasn't sleeping through and he didn't know what to do. I said oh it's tough getting up 6+ times a night, I did it for months on end at which point he was shock saying his baby only woke once or twice grin - that's a good night for us with DS (15 months) at the moment!

What worked for us (and I'm careful saying it worked for us as each baby/family is different and I'd tried a couple of other things before which didn't work) was Andrea Grace.

Her book gives a variety of solutions, and you can choose to CC or gradual withdrawal.

We did gradual withdrawal and it really worked well. Took a few weeks to get consistently "good" bedtimes and nights but it really helped us.

I'd previously tried Pantley's no cry sleep solution and it didn't work. Pantley's pull off didn't work for stopping DS' BF to sleep. Andrea Grace's idea of introducing a book between the last feed and putting DS down in his cot did!

MrsLyman Thu 20-Dec-12 11:43:34

Sorry I didn't mean to make you feel bad I just assumed she must be much younger.

TBH sounds like your sleep consultant is shit, everyone I've come across who has been to one has just been told to do controlled crying, hardly helpful tailored advice.

DS1 was a terrible sleeper, we used no cry sleep solution. It's good because it gives a range of things to try. However, the number 1 non-negotiable is getting the baby to nap, and the number 2 is a structured bedtime routine. At 13 months they probably need a morning and an afternoon nap. They advise to get the naps anyway which way you can at first and go from there.

She will sleep eventually, good luck. DS1 is now 20 months and sleeps through, although we went through quite a long once a night phase first but it was so preferable to 6 times that we didn't care!

IWipeArses Thu 20-Dec-12 12:02:33

Deckthehalls, Andrea Grace book looks interesting, I might have a look at that.

badguider Thu 20-Dec-12 12:06:32

I'm a fan of patting, stroking, rubbing.... reassuring the LO that you are there but not picking them up if possible, as I think it can be easier for some LOs to get back to sleep or learn to self-settle in the cot if they are not lifted out of it.

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