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don't want to do controlled crying but fear we may have to :(

(23 Posts)
OhWhatAPalaver Wed 03-Oct-12 09:52:14

she's been a pretty good sleeper for the past few months but she is just 9 mo and it's all gone tits up. daytime naps still seem ok (touch wood!) but night time is currently v challenging! she has always been fed to sleep but this is no longer working, she seems to be unable to drop off feeding the way she used to and it is taking me hours to get her to bed at night.

last night she initially went to sleep ok at 7pm and stayed there for 2 hours before waking and refusing to go back to sleep until after midnight! she scream bloody murder if i leave her in her cot and doesn't like being rocked to sleep - plus she's too flippin heavy for that now anyway! i'm wonder i controlled crying might be the only answer as i can't even comfort her if i'm next to her while she's in her cot sad

she seems to have to be absolutely exhausted until i can get her back in her cot after numerous attempts at feeding her to sleep. DP thinks leaving her to cry is the only way, i don't think i have the heart for it though. please help, any advice appreciated!

EdMcDunnough Wed 03-Oct-12 09:56:33

No, you don't have to do it. Chances are she is teething and/or having some separation anxiety (this is the peak age for it!) and it will all calm down again.

Babies just do this - it's not like a trick you have to get right, they won't be 'trained', they just have wakeful nights from time to time, sometimes for a while, as they grow up. Especially in the first year or two.

It's no reason to panic. She will sleep again. You just have to kind of accept it and roll with it and not worry too much. It's Ok. They all sleep through in the end smile

EdMcDunnough Wed 03-Oct-12 09:57:29

One more thought, can you have her in with you?

Co sleeping was the best thing I ever did, they just sleep so so well.

dreamingbohemian Wed 03-Oct-12 10:06:50

Well, controlled crying is not 'leaving them to cry' (as your DH says) you still go in and soothe them but at regular and longer intervals.

It can work really well, I finally caved and used it when DS was about 18 months and he slept through after 3 nights (common enough story).

BUT I don't think it would help in your case, as you say that even when you are with her, your DD is still crying. This suggests something is really bothering her, probably teething or maybe separation anxiety, but I don't think CC would work in that case.

I found with DS that I had to keep trying different things to soothe him at night, for a while music would calm him down, then it would just agitate him and I'd have to find something else. So I'd suggest to just keep trying different things, it's really tough I know.

EdMcDunnough Wed 03-Oct-12 10:12:00

Yes, good point - even if you try CC it probably won't be the answer if she is unable to settle when you are there.

It is really hard work, it will pass though - I've used Calpol before when my children were teething, or I thought they were. It might be worth bearing in mind, if you feel she may be in pain.

OhWhatAPalaver Wed 03-Oct-12 11:26:34

thanks for the replies, i don't think she is teething at the moment as she seems happy as larry if i bring her downstairs when she wakes. but you can just see she is so tired as there's huge bags under her eyes and everything but she just can't seem to settle herself back off like she used to. i think separation anxiety is definitely a possibility but how do you deal with that?

she is becoming much more aware of herself and others lately and there seems to be a lot going on in her head! i was thinking it might be developmental things but how long is that likely to last? i felt like i was about to collapse with tiredness last night sad

OhWhatAPalaver Wed 03-Oct-12 11:36:26

oh yeah, co-sleeping is a no no as well, there's no way i'd have her in bed with DP, he'd squish her!

Cillitbanger Wed 03-Oct-12 11:36:53

If you are sure she is not ill or teething then I would give controlled crying a go. I did it with DD1 when she was 8 months and as others have said after 3 nights we had cracked it. You could give it a go and if it doesn't work just ride it out until she manages to sleep on her own - you've nothing to lose at the moment.
I had planned to do CC with DD2 (11months) but she started sleeping through on her own at ten months. I know it 's not everyone's cup of tea but if you are both shattered it's worth a shot. I used The Good Sleep Guide by Angela Henderson, it was recommended by a friend and I have since recommended it to numerous others - all of whom have had success within 3 nights.

OhWhatAPalaver Wed 03-Oct-12 12:00:43

thanks Cillitbanger smile is the book based on controlled crying or is it different techniques? i've ordered the no cry sleep solution but it's not arrived yet. i feel awful leaving DD to cry as she cries so loud she wakes up next doors kids too!!

nickeldaisical Wed 03-Oct-12 12:02:39

I wonder if it might be worth putting her bedtime back a bit? if she's not tired at 7?
have no expertise on that bit - 9.5mo DD sleeps with us and doesn't try to sleep before 9!

BiscuitCrumbsInBed Wed 03-Oct-12 12:10:23

My 14mo has always been a terrible sleeper and we've just this week got rid of the cot in favour of a single mattress on the floor in her room. I can feed and snuggle her to sleep there and then sneak off but actually just bring her in with us as it's easier We've thoroughly baby proofed her room and have a monitor on loud so we can hear if she stirs. Would that work for you? Might be easier to settle her than through the bars of a cot. I've never tried CC and once you read what the No Cry Sleep Solution says about it you won't want to either... The book has lots of helpful suggestions, get your DH to read it too and don't do anything that you're not happy with. Wishing you a good night's sleep soon!

Cillitbanger Wed 03-Oct-12 12:17:46

The Good Sleep Guide is mainly based on CC, but it's a whole Sleep Programme rather than just telling you to let them cry and check on them at regular intervals. There's a comprehensive questionnaire for you to complete to check whether this approach is suitable for you and also instructions for the graded leaving method if you cannot bear to leave them to cry. There is a whole host of info in it and suggested further reading and advice for instances where CC hasn't worked. The only reason I didn't use it for DD2 is that I had lent the book to a friend and hadn't seen her for ages to get it back. Only got it back on Monday.

EdMcDunnough Wed 03-Oct-12 12:56:13

The thing is if she is suffering from separation anxiety, it's all about her learnign that things/people come BACK - not that they never come back, iyswim.

So something like shh-pat or whatever other 'sleep solutions' there are out there might be better. CC has to be done by the book, it isn't just about leaving her to cry. You have to keep going back in.

In my experience (two kids so far, another on the way) going to them as soon as they cry is the best thing, and staying with them as long as it takes till they sleep.
If you leave them to cry yes it will escalate and the child will sometimes get hysterical, and then you have to go in to prevent it making itself sick/whatever and then you've done it all for nothing as you're back to square one.

Having a baby is USUALLY exhausting, at least sometimes smile

It doesn't last forever
I hate the way 'sleep training' and so on has raised expectations among parents that babies will, and should, sleep through within the first year.

It's so unrealistic and makes people panic and feel like they are failing somehow. They're not - it's normal.

BiscuitCrumbsInBed Wed 03-Oct-12 15:12:16

Hear hear Ed!

OhWhatAPalaver Wed 03-Oct-12 20:45:59

what sound advice Ed thanks smile i'm hoping it'll pass on its own but last time she started waking at night it lasted over 2 months! don't want that again so fingers crossed that there will be some good advice in the 'no cry' book smile

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 03-Oct-12 20:49:49

You don't have to do cc and there is no guarantee that it will work if you do. I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if I'm repeating, this sounds like the 9 month sleep regression.

Can't do links at the mo but try googling Moxie Sleep Regression.

EdMcDunnough Wed 03-Oct-12 21:07:00

blush well this is the only subject I got into the MN babies book on, I like to sound off about it grin

Good luck OP

JJJ - never heard of that, thanks for the tip. I'll have a look.

JiltedJohnsJulie Thu 04-Oct-12 09:00:26

it's here. You might also like this on sleep regressions and 31 ways to get your baby to sleep and stay

And if DH is so intent on CIO or CC get him to read 12 alternatives for the all night nurser or Helping your baby to sleep, why gentle techniques work best and Why Love Matters.

Flimflammery Thu 04-Oct-12 09:08:23

I recommend the Baby Whisperer techniques. Check out all the detailed advice on the message boards here. It worked extremely well with my DS when he was 8 months. You don't leave her to cry, but at that age use the 'pick up, put down' technique. You have to be completely consistent and also think about times of naps in the day etc. IME it's a kind and effective way to teach a baby get themselves happily back to sleep.

Baaartimaeus Thu 04-Oct-12 09:45:51

DS' already bad sleep went really downhill at 9 months. Ended up co-sleeping (DH on blow up mattress or sofa depending on what time of night I brought DS into bed) for a couple of months but now he sleeps in his cot only waking once a night (is 12 months).

It might be teething. DS is really tricky with teething. He doesn't cry during the day, and the only signs are that he chews a bit more than usual. However at night, his teeth start bothering him. I think it's because if he's distracted (like if I take him out of his cot or back into the living room with us) he doesn't notice the pain, but if he's trying to sleep he does.

If I find DS is taking longer than usual to go to sleep (fidgeting and rolling and crying) then I give him calpol or gum gel. 99% of the time he then falls asleep 10 minutes later!

I dealt with separation anxiety by being with him as much as possible when he wanted it and co-sleeping at night. I know it's hard when you're so tired, but really it is just for a couple of months (I honestly never thought I'd see the end of it but around 11 months he started sleeping by himself in his cot - we used Andrea's Grace's gradual withdrawal method which worked really well. See lucidlady's Andrea Grace thread for ideas).

Good luck. You are not alone but that doesn't help when you're on your knees with exhaustion! smile

OhWhatAPalaver Thu 04-Oct-12 14:47:56

well i just tried the sitting with her till she falls asleep thing for her day time nap. didn't work! sad she just cried and cried and cried in her cot even though she could see me and i was singing to her and sushing etc. i caved after about 20 mins and fed her to sleep. she was so exhausted from crying so much she went straight off and went in to her cot with no hassle but i am trying to stop the feeding to sleep thing so it's not ideal.

thanks for the links JJJ and Flimflam. will check out the gradual withdrawal method too. hoping something works soon or i will go more insane!

Baaartimaeus Thu 04-Oct-12 14:56:43

I introduced a book between feed and putting DS in his cot.
First night he cried for 30minutes (I hugged him in his cot, sang to him, patted him etc.). Second night he cried less than 10 minutes.
Third night he stopped feeding to look for the book! (I hide it under a cushion)

It was so hard for me (I'd tried it before but given up after about 5 minutes of crying blush ) but I stayed calm and I'd prepared myself for several bad nights but I was surprised that it wasn't too bad.

However, I did try this when DS was 11 months and past his really clingy stage. I don't think it would have worked before then, well not without a lot more heartache.

By the way, for the naps in the day, DS still naps in his pushchair that we wheel up and down the flat (fortunately we have a long corridor!). I can't be bothered trying to get him to nap in the cot in the day, I don't think it's necessary right now. I'm more interested in him sleeping enough in the day so we can tackle the nights.

cloudhands Thu 04-Oct-12 16:15:25

CC isn't the only option.

Helping Children Sleep

this article is how I got my daughter to sleep through the night, it's very effective, yet totally loving and kind, and took us a couple of weeks, (though sleep improved in a day or two),

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