My 11m.o. not falling to sleep being fed anymore, and throwing tantrums. So stressed, please help!

[mammainlove]

My 11m.o. has just started walking/talking etc and generally turning into a toddler. She used to be so placid and relatively easy putting to bed. Recently she's started throwing tantrums, along with repercuinn anxiety, and despite having 2 naps a day, she seems hyper active in the evenings, and she wont fall asleep being breast fed anymore! And when i then pick her up to rock her to sleep, she screams and tries to struggle out of my arms! She does have an evening routine of dimming the lights and reading half an hour before bedtime. This is really stressful for all of us and leaves me drained and often in tears after she does finally drop off. Can anyone advise me what i'm doing wrong, please?

[mammainlove]

*separation anxiety

[valbona]

you're not doing anything wrong! it's just she's getting older and probably needs to learn to fall asleep by herself. we used to feed /rock DD to sleep which was fine so long as it worked, but once she was coming up to one we needed a new tactic. I think rocking etc was much too stimulating.

she probably can understand you, so explain what you're doing, lots of kisses and cuddles after reading, put her in the cot, pat her back, shush, sing, whatever soothes her. if she's really upset pick her up and cuddle her, then repeat. if she stands up, gently lay her down, or whisper "lie down" over and over. sooner or later she'll learn to settle. stay by her bed til she's asleep and then creep out. you're not leaving her to cry or anything, just helping her settle quietly with you right there. definitely helps if she has a bear or a blanket she can nuzzle in the cot as well.

good luck!

[mammainlove]

Thank you valbona, that's such good advice. I'll try x

[Trillian42]

DD is also 11 months and we started about 3 weeks ago getting DH to put her to sleep in the cot. Basically I do the bedtime routine and feed her, and then DH puts her in the cot and rubs her side until she falls asleep. It only took 1 horrendous bad couple of hours one night and now she goes down for him within 10 mins usually without a whimper. She won't sleep for me though, but we're working on it.

(However we haven't sorted out what happens when she wakes up during the night - she won't sleep without a BF)

[mammainlove]

If i put my dd down she quickly jumps back up and walks about! (we co sleep) and screams and arches her back when i try to lay her down again. I think if i am consistent it will work eventually, but will probably take more than a couple of hours.

[Trillian42]

DH was home late tonight so I had to do the whole bedtime. DD did exactly what yours does - wouldn't stay down & cried and cried. Eventually DH came home and he managed to get her asleep. Not sure why it doesn't work with me. We're trying to move away from co-sleeping so she spends 8-11/12 in the cot and then the rest of the night in bed with me if we can't resettle her. She wakes at least every 3 hours to feed though so would love a night without her in the bed.

[mammainlove]

That's amazing that she let's your dh to put her to sleep. I'm quite envious! Although my dd loves her daddy to bits, she's going through major seperation anxiety at the mo and screams if he tries to put her to sleep. I've just tried all what valbona suggested, lying next to her, cuddling, singing etc for half an hour. First she's happy cuddling and climbing on top of me, and i keep gently laying her down again, repeatedly, then she rubs her eyes and gets more and more tired and frustrated that she's not asleep and starts crying then screaming. This is just too upsetting so i had to lay next to her and feed her to sleep. I just cant imagine her falling to sleep any other way! (besides sling, buggy or car)

[molejazz]

This is our situation too... I often spend around 30 mins rocking/walking. I think it's DS's wind down but it does my back (and my patience) in sometimes. I also need to get the DH involved I think.

I also want to wean off BF (DS is 12 months next week ) soon so it's all change around here!

[mammainlove]

Here too. Stay in touch. Let me know how it goes. I just ordered the no cry sleep book but until i get it we will continue to get her to sleep in sling. Tried putting her down to settle herself one night but she just kept biting me and going crazy! I am positive that something will work out.

[prolificwillybreeder]

My 11 month old DS is exactly the same minus the night feed.
I just posted on the nightmare sleeper thread in a bit of a state.
He won't nap or sleep without either a bottle before bed and has to fall asleep on DP or I. DP is flavour of the month as I have a large baby bump and its clearly in the way of him getting comfy.

I just don't know what to do any kind of gradual retreat makes him so cross he cries more. Leaving him for a few minutes and he screams.
DP and I are suffering due to being up with him every 30 or 60 minutes.
I hope something works out soon

[DesperateHousewife21]

Im in exactly the same position. So nice to hear suggestions from others that doesnt include leaving him to cry on his own.

We currently co sleep and bf to sleep but want this all to change when hes around 1 (currently 10.5 months)

I will stay on this thread for moral support and see how others get on!

[molejazz]

So how's it going? DH and I have agreed that he will start trying to settle starting next week. We are going away for the weekend so I don't want to start before then.

I have been reducing bf a bit - currently DS has 4 x a day: wake up, before naps (usually 2!), before bed. I've just been feeding as normal but not encouraging him to have more if he comes off, and not offering 2nd breast.

I'm not sure whether it's better to have a deadline or not (pressure!) but I have to have surgery in just under a month so I really want someone else to be able to settle him to sleep before that.

[newbub]

wow mummainlove, it's like you're looking in our window :) It is almost exactly the same with us minus the feeding. My son is almost 12 months but it started when he turned 11 months. I have resorted to patting him until he calms down and then just standing beside the cot until he falls asleep, sometimes he wants to hold my hand. I'm guessing separation anxiety has kicked in big time. It's so draining, I know exactly how you feel. He used to self settle really well. And still does during the day. Actually the night problems started when I went back to work. I'm hoping with time things will be okay. Thank you everyone for suggestions and sharing, so glad to hear I'm not alone.

[Truckdriver]

Can I join with my 11mo daughter? I am about to go mad with our attempts to get her to learn to go to sleep by herself. I have just had a traumatic hour and half of trying to get her to go down for a nap. Now if it was a simple bit of crying I could cope but it is full on screaming, coughing and throwing herself into the side of the cot. Eventually gave up and BF her to sleep, which according to all the books is the WORST thing I could do, which makes me a BAD MUMMY.

Seriously how, how, how do I teach her to sleep by herself in a way that does not result in us both crying hysterically.

Hmmmm can you tell I am slightly stressed by this!

But good to hear that I am not alone, though wishing you all luck with sleep.

[pleasethanks]

This sounds very similar to my 8.5 month old DD whose sleep has gone tits up. She has forgotten that she can self settle and if she actually falls asleep on the bottle she screams blue murder when she is put into bed. She used to be able to warble away and fall asleep on her own, but now she goes beserk if I leave the room. If it was a little bit of crying I could handle (ignore?!) it better, but this fall on wailing, screaming, thrashing about. She will fall asleep if I sit in the room, but this is not ideal for a 3am wakening and not a habit I want to get into (it can take an hour or two sometimes). I feel it is separation anxiety.

Will sleep training such as CC or gradual withdrawl work for this type of sleep issue?

Losing the will to live and not helping my PND!

[Truckdriver]

Sorry mamainlove just realised I totally hijacked your post in my moment of stress.

Hope things are better and that the book you have ordered has arrived and provided some suggestions/solutions. If so please pass them on :)

[DesperateHousewife21]

Im getting married in 2 weeks and my hen night is next Sat where DP will have ds all night on his own.

Im hoping it'll help ds to settle without me.

[mammainlove]

The book has come but i think it's the wrong one. It's the 'no cry sleep solution for toddler and pre school'. I've only had time to flick through, i thought there'd be a step aw step guide on putting them down. I.e. I dont know how much to cuddle her when she cries, and how much to ignore. We co sleep so she just gets up from being laid down and wrestles with me, often resulting in the 'biting game'. Anyone any suggestions?

[prolificwillybreeder]

Hi all, how's tonight going?
Hellish here DS 11m is still awake. DP has gone to settle him with another bottle.
He has been up since 5 and would not nap until what 2ish?
I'm having another baby in 7 weeks! DP and I could cry tbh.
I don't think gradual retreat would work, he won't self settle and just stands in his cot and gets hysterical if you don't pick him up.
My only comfort is it's not just our baby who won't sleep!

[Chipotle]

My DS was exactly the same at the same age... We did exactly what val said and we've not looked back, he's almost 14 months now and goes to bed happily for me or DH. I will breastfeed him before bed but not too sleep. This is not to make you jealous but to wish you lots of luck!

[Chipotle]

Oh and another thing... My DS never liked a comforter or toy. But when we decided to tackle the sleep problem I bought him a small teddy bear, I slept with the bear for 1 week. And then put it in his cot. He didn't pay it much attention for the first week but now he cuddles up to it and I think it soothes him and helps him to sleep.

[mammainlove]

I've just had half an hour of first laughing+wrestling whilst being continuously laid back down, then crying, then screaming. I honestly cant take it. I dont know what i'm doing. It just doesnt feel right all these tears! Maybe 11mths she's too young for this? I didnt know whether to ignore her, pick her up, shush her. I dont know what i'm doing! And i know it's important to be consistant. I would be if what is the right thing to do. I eventually fed her to sleep as she was so tired from all the crying and wrestling. My brain feels so mixed up. I am getting very depressed over this.. Is it inevitable to go thru all this distress every night? I dont know if it helps co sleeping or not, but i'm not changing that, i love sleeping next to my baby. If anyone please can help me out, or give me some hope, PLEASE do x

[crikeybadger]

ah, it's so tough this sleep business isn't it, well lack of it anyway.

I think there is a sleep regression around about this time, so maybe just doing whatever you have to for now, could be a good course of action until this passes.

We've just been through the 18mo regression and after quite a lot of tears and cross crying, I think we're nearly through it. Don't want to jinx things, but DS now goes down fine and I've had the first uninterrupted nights sleep for 19 months.

We too used to partial co-sleep and whilst I loved the closeness of it, we came to a point where DH and I were just shattered every day and it was having repercussions on his work and my mood with the other DC.

I tried the pick up/put down thing, but I found that just made things worse. I also reduced activity in the late afternoon as I think this was leading to more stimulation.

Sorry, I'm not really giving you any suggestions I'm afraid but hopefully you can see that things will get better with time. I wonder if AngelDog is around, she's brill at sorting out sleep issues.

Oh, just one more thing- what time does she go to bed? Sometimes, an earlier bed time can be beneficial.

[mammainlove]

Thank you. She goes about 10pm. I aim for earlier but it ends up later. She gets up 8.3Oam ish, and has 2naps. I'm considering dropping her afternoon nap and making the morning nap later, but i dont know if she's too young for this (?) Crikeybadger you suggest just doing whatever i can to get her to sleep, but she's gonna need to learn to self settle eventually, so isnt now the right opportunity?

[crikeybadger]

OK, I suppose you're benefitting from the later wake up, but I wonder if she's just too overtired by that time.

Not sure about dropping the nap- I can't remember when DS did this - but then again his naps have always been fairly dreadful. Some aim for a nap between the hours of 11am-1pm.

The reason I say about doing whatever works for now, is that if she is in the middle of a regression then it's a hard time to get her to learn to self settle. But up to you- as you say, you have to do it at some point.

I never in a million years imagined that I would resort to controlled crying with my DS, I'd always hated it. However, he catches on to new things really quickly so after two nights he is a lot better at going down in his cot. Once I'd got over the fact that he wasn't crying because he was anxious or hurt (teeth have been a problem), it was a lot easier to do. He was in fact just (understandably) cross at being left.

Now we're all happier- DH and I are getting more sleep and so is DS as I'm sure he wasn't sleeping well in our bed. We were all getting disturbed and I usually ended up sleeping on the edge of the bed and having aching bones in the morning.

Another thing we did just out of chance was to put a musical lamb in his bed. We'd had it for ages, but never used it. The other night he woke about 10.30pm, I gave him some water, wound up the lamb and he settled straight back down in his cot. I nearly fainted. .

Oh and he still bfs twice a day, but not in the night.