MNHQ here: have you got strong feelings and personal experience about partners staying overnight on postnatal wards?

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello

A broadsheet journalist is looking to write a piece exploring the pros and cons of partners staying overnight on postnatal wards, and we're trying to help her out with finding some case studies of women who have personal experiences and opinions one way or the other.

If this sounds like you, please email us on [email protected] to let us know:

a) what your opinion is about partners staying overnight on wards; and
b) what your personal experience is.

Ideally, anyone featured in the piece would be comfortable with divulging some identifying details, and possibly with being photographed.

It's for a good, reputable journalist working for a broadsheet newspaper - she's keen to explore all the angles.

(If you've already contacted us about this, thanks very much - we just need to find a few more candidates and then we'll let you know how the land lies!)

Thanks
MNHQ

[StripySocks1]

On a shared ward, no.
I was on a shared ward with 1 other woman and her husband just didn't leave when the midwife asked him to at 10pm, he kept having loud conversations on his mobile keeping me awake until 2am when I had to go and find a midwife to ask him to leave and even then she had to ask him twice to go. I felt very vulnerable with my new baby and didn't want a strange man near where I was (trying) to sleep.

[hairymuffet]

It's just wrong.
Invasion of privacy at a vulnerable time
OK in a single room, not a shared ward.

[vinoandbrie]

This happened to me and it was awful, as hairymuffet says it's just wrong. I asked to be moved. In fact, I made a bit of a fuss, until I was moved (c section birth).

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

No basically

In special circumstances women should
Be moved to a side room and of course their partner can stay

But in a normal mixed ward it's an invasion of privacy and the same rules should apply as for other wards

[OuiMerci]

Before I had babies, I couldn't see the issue. Of course new dads want to stay with their babies. Now I've experienced sleeping on a ward after a section, I would much rather it was women only. I felt very vulnerable and exposed as it was without having to worry about other people's partners being there 24/7. The wards are cramped enough as it is without doubling the number of people.

It's nothing personal to the men as I'd love my own DH to be able to stay but it's not so easy to relax to establish feeding or trips to the bathroom when you're bleeding heavily. I'd just rather as few people as possible saw me in my least dignified state.

[AVY1]

I was on a ward after an emergency section with one other woman. There were two other beds. I desperately wanted DH on the first night with me but they wouldn't allow him to stay. However, they did allow the other woman to have her partner overnight and she told me it was because she worked at the hospital. It didn't bother me at all that he was with her other than it making me feel very alone and my wishes ignored.

I'm not sure how I'd feel now though.

[Ninabean17]

After the birth of my 2nd, I would have done anything to have my husband stay with me. He was made to leave quite literally less than an hour after her birth because that was the deadline. I asked if any single rooms were available and was told it was far too late to be asking and I should have booked one. What frustrated me was how quick they were to tell my husband to leave so fast after our babies birth but didn't care about the other partners on the ward who stayed hours later. If you want them to leave, thads one thing. But don't leave me alone after a traumatic birth and let other people stay with their partners.

[KatieHaslam22]

Tbh I was very unwell after my c section due to loosing a lot of blood and the midwives were rubbish! I could barely move and they just left me to deal with it by myself and as a first time mum that is scary! If my partner wasn't there to help my daughter would have been in trouble

[NerrSnerr]

I don't think birth partners should stay. The bays are already noisy and cramped and some people do not have the sense to be respectful to others. I have had 2 c sections and needed help at night for both but was able to press the buzzer and they came to help. If someone is in a ward and no one comes at night when they buzz they need to complain as that is not acceptable (as needing support to care for the baby at night is often a reason given for needing their partner there at night).

[ClaireSunflower]

I don't know what I'd have done if dh wasn't allowed to stay. I was very unwell after having my baby 4 weeks ago. I lost a lot of blood during a traumatic forceps delivery. I was not in a good condition afterwards, in a lot of pain, hooked up to various drips, blood transfusions, blood pressure machines etc so could hardly hold the baby let alone change nappies or do anything else.

[Foniks]

I had my partner there. Lots of women did.

I thought it was brilliant and was part of the reason I chose that hospital. The support from a partner is something you can't get from anybody else. It can be a lonely and scary time, and sometimes you need that support.

My labour wasn't easy (who's was really), and ended in an EMCS, so I was grateful I had somebody with me who could speak up for me when I was exhausted and go and get things I needed. That time was very difficult for me emotionally, it was depressing, and it would have been worse had I been alone.
There were two sections on the ward though, one part very close to the midwives station that we had to keep curtains open in- you would be there in the few hours after a c section to make sure you didn't have an emergency, and then another section further away from the nurses station where people could draw their curtains. There were not many women there without a partner, and everybody had their curtains closed.
Nothing could have matched the support my partner gave me in those crucial hours and days. I would never willingly choose a hospital that didn't allow him to stay. And with midwives being so stretched, I think it's more important than ever to get that extra support.
I remember on the first night. I was so exhausted I kept falling asleep while I was sitting or half standing, many times when I was trying to breastfeed. I'm lucky my partner was there to help during that time. I don't know how I would have done it safely otherwise. Once, I fell asleep while feeding the baby and we both almost fell off the bed, he was there keeping a watchful eye to make sure that didn't happen.
Another time, I had been given some options and chose one. I was so exhausted I wasn't thinking straight or really knowing what was going on, so didn't notice when the consultants almost gave me the other option, again, lucky he was there to stop it and remind them what i had chosen.
Another time, the buzzer dropped behind the bed. He got it for me. God knows what I would have done had I been there alone and needed to press the buzzer.

I think the support of a good partner during those exhausting and emotional times is just something that can't be matched. I would have been gutted had I not had that.
The next child I have, I will once again make sure it's a hospital that allows partners.

[Joinourclub]

I was very glad my husband was allowed to stay. Both my babies were born at about midnight, so I was up in the ward at about 1or 2 ish. I'd have been pretty upset if my husband had been sent home only hours after I had given birth. With dc2 I hadn't slept for 48 hours and I was exhausted. I really needed him there. Knowing he wAs there with our brand new baby enabled me to get a few hours sleep.

[chelseapritch]

I'm currently in the hospital now as I'm only 28 weeks and already gone into labour twice, I've also been diagnosed with placenta abruption, so any minute now I could go into labout with my little boy, i have been in my own room for 9 days, and they would NOT let my husband stay with me, even though I am not sharing with any other women. It was very hard to watch him go, knowing I could go into labour any second through the night, and him potentially missing it.

I completley agree with no partners on shared wards with other women, I was originally on one until I got my own room, and would ask my husband to leave for 6PM although deadline is 10PM, as I believed woman needed there privacy, and some like to go to bed early.

But it has really disheartened me with me being in my own room. He got 'chucked out' the other night, When I was in pre term labour, and having steroids :( the thought of me possible giving birth that night without my husband there sickened me.

[expatinscotland]

On shared wards, just no, no, no.

[Moanyoldcow]

Yes - I think they should be able to stay.

I had a 5 day induction in a private room and I one was allowed to stay which was bad enough.

It culminated in an emcs. I lost loads of blood, was in masses of pain, catheterised and plonked in a post-natal ward at 5am after two midwives roughly wiped me down with wet wipes. My aunt had offered to stay and wash me but they said they'd do it and it was disgusting - I felt woeful.

I hadn't slept properly in 5 days, I couldn't speak and had NO help. Midwives were busy with emergencies, didn't assist with breastfeeding, didn't do anything actually.

The second night in I had breastfed for 4 solid hours - not cluster feeding - a solid 4 hours. Any attempt to move him and he screamed. I couldn't eat or drink or go to the loo. A midwife only helped when my newborn pissed all over the bed and I just started crying.

If there is someone to help you then I have no objection to partners not being allowed to stay, but if they haven't the resources then they need to allow you to have help.

I was pretty far from the 'worst' you could be after a cs so I can't imagine how people might feel after a more traumatic time.

Understandably the majority of resource is taken ensuring safe delivery but we still need help afterwards.

It was the worst experience of my entire pregnancy and that's after horrific piles and 3 months of SPD.

[KatieHaslam22]

Tbh I was very unwell after my c section due to loosing a lot of blood and the midwives were rubbish! I could barely move and they just left me to deal with it by myself and as a first time mum that is scary! If my partner wasn't there to help my daughter would have been in trouble

[shrunkenhead]

I don't see the problem if you're in your own room. In which case it wouldn't have any impact on women in the ward.

[ImperialBlether]

I think when people answer they should make it clear whether they were on a shared ward or in a private room. That makes all the difference.

[Ummmmgogo]

been through it. shared ward. I'm a single mother. was fucking horrendous.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

I don't think it should happen on a shared ward. My son's first night in the world was spent inches away (just a thin curtain dividing us)
from a couple having a big row and then very enthusiastic make-up sex.

[MrsPorter]

I'm a survivor and there's no way I could have tolerated having partners on a post natal ward. Agree with pps that where special circumstances exist including high risk, additional needs or bereavement, private rooms could be used so that the father could stay to be additional assistance for the mother as post natal is horribly underfunded and understaffed.

I was once admitted to a mixed surgical assessment ward, in a mixed bay. It was deeply wrong and unnecessarily traumatic. One man simply leered and threatened all night - I only felt safe from him because he was in a cast to his hip. That experience compared with my later stay on all-female gynae ward tells me you cannot and must not oblige traumatised women to share safe space with men they don't know.

When you have just had a baby you are extremely physically and psychologically vulnerable. Partners aren't - they're usually totally physically fit (if slightly weary) - so they're far more of a potential threat.

It's equally unfair though that the partners are kicked out quickly after the birth. I had a relatively slow transfer up to post natal each time (about four or five hours) which allowed DH skin-to-skin time etc. I didn't know that wasn't standard. Some of it was because of eg stitches, and the needs of other labouring women and shift patterns rather than planning.

[AlphaBites]

No I don't.

[elenaf]

It wasn't allowed when I was there, though they changed the rule a fortnight later to allow it. I'm so thankful that there were no men there. After a traumatic birth I was bleeding, and had no control over my bladder when meant that I wet myself the first time I stood up. It was my third night without sleep and I thought I'd be incontinent forever, so I was hysterical. Later, I started breaking wind uncontrollably and from across the dark ward a woman and her mother, who had just arrived, started laughing. I was devastated, thought I would never go out in public again. I didn't need my sleep deprived, panicking partner there to help me take care of my baby, although I certainly didn't feel capable of doing it safely myself. And I certainly didn't need anyone else's partner there to add to my humiliation and block the bathroom. What I needed desperately was some privacy and the support of an experienced midwife, which I didn't get at all. It was a terrible start to parenthood and really affected my previously good mental health for the worse.

[shrunkenhead]

I was in a private room but dH still had to leave (although it's not as if there was a bed for him to stay anyway so couldn't expect him to sleep in a chair).
I hated him leaving as it felt like so long until the next visiting time and I couldn't sleep (as dd would only sleep on me/try to feed and I was so scared of dropping her!)
I couldn't leave the room until dH returned at the next visit as I didn't understand hospital protocol and thought it unsafe to leave dd in her cot unattended to go to the loo/shower etc and on one occasion ended up wetting myself because I couldn't leave the room/pelvic floor not 100%.

[SailAwayWithMeHoney]

In short - No. I don't think they should be allowed to stay.