A pondering about the Sex topic (and wider)

[FlyingElbows]

The Sex topic is potentially a very valuable resource for those who choose to use it whether they contribute or just read. I believe that the freedom to discuss sex in an open and adult manner is a good thing and very lacking in some people's lives. However... it has been described as "the most joyless sex topic ever" and I believe that that is due in no small part to the small handful of persistent posters whose only contribution is to challenge and deride poster's experiences. It's not big, clever or helpful and will actively discourage posters from seeking help and support. Would it be possible for HQ to sticky a post reminding contributors to be respectful? If people really have to hoik their bosom and get the vapours about other people's relationships then they already have the facility of the relationships board.

[RiverTam]

Completely agree. I've never posted in it but I have a read occasionally, and there is one poster in particular who always seems to think that every thread is dodgy. I wish she'd just report them and keep out of it if that's the case. It's very tiresome.

[Diamogs]

Yes I agree.

Everyone has different tastes sexually, don't know why people have to express how horrified they are at a consensual relationship just because it may involve an act that is outside their comfort zone.

[Flacidunicorn]

Agree also.

I picture some of the posters there having to fan themselves and said epsom salts if someone does anything other than missionary every fourth Tuesday of the month.

[BatLetRat]

I don't post in there either but sometimes read if a thread is in active.

There's a small group of posters who take delight in making stupid or disbelieving comments. The fisting thread was a case in point. Now, don't get me wrong, it had me crossing my legs BUT it was a genuine poster asking for genuine advice and oh look .. Up turn up all the dickheads posting sarcastically and trying to derail the thread.

Why do these people read the topic? It's a mystery

[Thurlow]

I agree.

Each to their own within consenting relationships.

You might not fancy trying the act the thread is about, but as long as it is happening between consenting adults, there is no reason to deride it or to call the whole relationship into question.

As a side note, I started a thread about something similar to this a few months ago which did not go well where I said I sometimes felt that sometimes on MN a thread can go clearly in the direction that no woman could actually be interested in certain sex acts, it's only men who are interested in those acts (fisting, anal etc) and only then because they are influenced by watching too much porn. IMO, that's quite a derogatory opinion towards women who are interested in those acts.

The Sex topic should be both supportive and practical and unless an OP gives off massive red flags, what they are asking about should not be derided or questioned.

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

I think if people are being goady or attacking other posters then they shoukd be reported and then deleted if required.

As with other areas of the site I don't think one can police what is said on threads , and I don't think debate is a bad thing. If people are confident and happy with their sex lives they won't be impacted by such posters, if they aren't then maybe they shoukd have a think about things?

[DonkeyOaty]

Ugh. Taking a pop at a "someone who I shan't name" is underhand and sneaky.

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

*aren't happy and confident not aren't impacted

[DiggersRest]

That's what you took from this thread usual

[lampshady]

I completely agree. I've posted and lurked on a couple of threads and it seems the sex topic doesn't attract the same support and sharing of advice as, say, relationships. It's sad when people are judging others for their adult, consensual choices.

[HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom]

I'm going to quote myself [narcissist] but my take is that it's fine to talk about the risks of sexual practices, and to express revulsion or bafflement, but constant attempts to shut down discussion are tedious.

I like that people challenge - it's what makes MN brilliant - sometimes however I feel that having banished discussion about sex to its own topic, some quarters are attempting to sabotage it. It's perfectly possible that I'm reading too much into it, but it's a hunch.

[SagaNorensLeatherTrousers]

Can't you just report whoever it is that's got your back up rather than start a vague, scoldy thread?

[LurcioAgain]

Agree - a sticky would be good. I'm more vanilla than an entire bottle of vanilla essence, but I still find the tone of certain posts really annoying. And they can't be reported because they stay the right side of talk guidelines. (To use the analogy frequently used on the feminism board, it's like going into the camping section and repeatedly posting "camping, it's a bit shit, isn't it?")

[Surferjet]

I agree.
& there's no point reporting them because they're not actually breaking the talk guidelines, they just post silly comments.
It's a shame.

[WorraLiberty]

I agree OP.

I think I've only found myself in the sex topic a couple of times, when I've clicked on active convos.

But I did notice then, that some posters were continually derailing with judgey posts that had little to do with what the OPs were asking.

It just made them come across as kind of silly really and I did wonder why they bothered.

That's not a dig at anyone btw, because I genuinely cannot remember who they were.

[VulcanWoman]

So this thread is to have a dig at certain posters, nice. guilty conscience, I think it was you that said the exact same thing on the arguing thread.

[SexNamesRFab]

OMG I made the joyless comment! I was really excited about the new sextopic as sex has always been a huge part of my life/imagination but, apart from DH, there's no one in real life I can talk about it with. I get so disappointed when someone tentatively starts a thread and the majority of posters pile in to slut shame them.

[firesidechat]

I don't go near the sex forum, but like usual said, it must be one big troll magnet (it's why I wouldn't go near it). No need to disbelieve every thread though and I can see that must be annoying.

[Thurlow]

As a board it is slightly less easy to troll than other boards, due to the need to have been posting for a certain amount of time. AIBU you can join and post the same day.

Of course, posters should be aware of what they say but often the advice tends to be practical rather than salacious.

If you think it's a troll, why engage? Anything you post simply bumps the thread and means it might end up in active, as the fisting thread did. But sometimes it will be a real thread, and then all that is achieved is embarrassing or, worse, slut-shaming an OP that asked a genuine question.

It would be exactly the same as seeing a post in AIBU that you think is trolling, but does always sound the chance of being real, and then what does a sarky comment achieve then? It's the online equivalent of "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." MN has a great funny vibe sometimes, but there's no need to pile in.

And if it is real, and the OP gives off neither red flags nor a sense of looking for salacious details, then what is achieved by saying "christ, no, that's disgusting." Would you go on a recipe thread asking for lamb dinners and start ranting that you hate eating lamb? Would you go on a camping advice thread and start ranting that you hate camping?

[IPityThePontipines]

I've only popped over when a thread's been in active, but I'd agree with the OP.

If you think a thread is nonsense, report it or leave it. Filling it up with comments mocking the OP doesn't help anyone.

Relationships is pretty much entirely a work of fiction, but people still take OP's on there seriously and don't derail.

[SagaNorensLeatherTrousers]

Would you go on a recipe thread asking for lamb dinners and start ranting that you hate eating lamb? Would you go on a camping advice thread and start ranting that you hate camping?

Yes. It's conversation innit? It's like sitting with your mates in the pub. Two of them start talking about camping, and because people like to hear their own voices, you pipe up and say "god I hate camping." Your friends laugh at you a bit and then carry on the convo.

I think MN needs less rules/stickies/notices in place, really. Just report if it's not in the spirit of the site or whatever.