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Adult Adoptees - Dedicated Section Under Talk Topics

(82 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Humsta Fri 15-Apr-16 15:27:01

Would anyone be interested in a dedicated Adult Adoptees Section under the talk topics? Being one myself I haven't been very successful in finding support online, except for posting in mumsnet. This did provoke interest from people in a similar position to me as well as adopters / potential adopters who are interested in our experiences.

I'm happy to go into details about my past but think at this stage mumsnet wants to gauge how much use it would actually get. There must be a lot of us adult adoptees on this planet, however, I know very few people in day-to-day life who share experiences similar to me and it can really help to what do you think?

jellyfishschool Fri 15-Apr-16 20:28:04

Just a quick post to say that I would be really keen on this. Will post again (v busy day!)

FruStefanOla Sat 16-Apr-16 15:56:56

Yes I would like a separate topic for Adult Adoptees.

I am an adult adoptee.

Although the Adoption topic is great, it's not really for us.

Good call, Humsta flowers

Humsta Sat 16-Apr-16 18:56:14

Even if were unsuccessful I guess the fact that a few of us have linked up on this thread means we can post here as and when we like. I'm 2/3rds through the Primal Wound and am finding it very validating. I don't think I'll finish it and not care about adoption anymore but I feel - not to sound cheesy - on the beginning of the right path to wellbeing, and you posters are part of that process 😊

FruStefanOla Sat 16-Apr-16 22:15:47

Humsta, I think there are many adult adoptees on MN - I've certainly been on a few threads (not in the Adoption topic) which have had a fair number of posters who are adopted, or whose OHs are adopted.

We just need more of them to see this thread to join in your petition to MNHQ to give us our own topic!

Humsta Sat 16-Apr-16 23:04:12

Wooah...interesting section in Primal Wound 'arts, poetry, music and dance' about how adopted children can express themselves creatively - it reminds me of a time I must have been about 11-13 and I wrote a poem about my mum along the lines of 'sometimes I love her but most times I hate her...' It ended rhyming I think she's a piece of sh*t, awful I know! Anyway it got worse because I knew I'd get in trouble if it got found by my adopted I hid it in my slipper which seemed like a great idea at the time. Unfortunately around the same time my adopted grandparents were over and my mum lent my Nan my can guess how well that went down. I was accused of leaving it there deliberately and in hindsight I guess I could have ripped it into tiny shreds but maybe the message was for my mother - just not the one I was living with...

jellyfishschool Sun 17-Apr-16 13:54:00

I was thinking of doing a post in AIBU, linking this thread and the one in adoption - good idea? Some people might not to get involved immediately but might want it to be in place for whenever in the future, and so it would be good for them just to register a "yes please".

I have gone back and read threads in Adoption and there are quite a few posts by adoptees over time who only got maybe one or two responses of support, and also a few where adoptees give advice (although sometimes not for long...) so hopefully it is just a matter of bumping until more people notice.

Humsta I remember writing something which was found and got me into a lot of trouble too. I have the funny feeling my dc will grow up to speak as they find, rather than write it down! Not sure if that is better or not....

BeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 17-Apr-16 14:05:06

Hi all - we'll just bump this to see if there is further interest.

Thank you for the suggestion Humsta.

FruStefanOla Sun 17-Apr-16 17:23:13

Humsta, I am more than happy to support you petitioning MNHQ for a separate Adult Adoptees topic.

But, sorry, I have no desire to discuss my adoption on this thread.

Actually, I don't have any major issues with my adoption anyway - although a separate topic would be fine to talk through things. I do realise that each person has different - and sometimes very difficult - issues to work their way through.

Humsta Sun 17-Apr-16 20:50:15

Eek I'm new to the acronyms of MN 😜 and am not sure what AIBU means, or DC for that matter? I think definitely share it though Jellyfishschool I considered Facebook (only briefly!) but quite like the annonimity this site offers, that and the fact I have so many different members of my family on FB it would not be a good idea!

IonaMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 17-Apr-16 23:06:28

Hi there Humsta! AIBU = Am I Being Unreasonable and DC is Darling/Dear Child/ren. This might help though.

MrSlant Sun 17-Apr-16 23:14:15

<tries to work out if she's bothered to make a new NN for this> <fails as she is tired>

I would love it, I might need a new NN for the area if it came about but there are so many things i would like to talk about that not many other people can relate to but also I wouldn't want to share in a space for people who have adopted or hope to.

Having a relatively hidden space would help maybe? Not something that would 'trend' <shudders>. I don't know if I'm alone in this but there are still some things that make me feel sad/confused even so far into adult hood that I wouldn't want as someones stumbled across interesting read over lunch.

Humsta Mon 18-Apr-16 07:40:52

Thanks Inomumsnet smile. mrslant I do agree that we don't want to be entertainment - I don't fancy my 'inner child' making Lorraine on Tuesday morning - but if it was too hidden then the people who most needed it probably wouldn't be able to find it? And they'd probably be the ones who'd understand most. It is one of the risks of social media though for sure.

Humsta Mon 18-Apr-16 07:43:33

Is NN really short for no?

BertieBotts Mon 18-Apr-16 07:46:54

No NN is nickname.

MrSlant Mon 18-Apr-16 12:57:39

Sorry new NN as in a posting name for that area so that if people searched my normal name for threads they wouldn't also find me talking about something so personal.

I do think a happy mix of availability for people who need it but not too far out there, I have no idea how that would work, social media is always 'out there' isn't it? I would love to talk with other people in my position though.

jellyfishschool Mon 18-Apr-16 14:57:29

I have just posted in AIBU to try to drum up more support.

TeenAndTween Mon 18-Apr-16 15:13:02

Another option could be to move the Adoption board from under 'Becoming a Parent' to instead maybe 'Body and Soul' . That could help switch it from being mainly adoptive parents posting to all 3 parts of the adoption triangle.
I think it would be a shame to separate the adoptees as adopters have a lot to gain by communicating with adoptees.

TeenAndTween Mon 18-Apr-16 15:14:12

Sorry that makes it sound like I don't care about the adoptees needs. If there is enough support for a separate board that's fine by me.

MypocketsarelikeNarnia Mon 18-Apr-16 16:11:58

It takes a lot of posters to sustain a whole topic though. Adoption itself is often not very busy. You might be better off with a long running support thread like the Stately Homes thread in Relationships or the current Adult Adoptees thread but maybe again in Relationships? Somewhere like that gets a lot of traffic but it's not AIBU...

Lagodiatitlan Mon 18-Apr-16 17:24:57

I would be interested in an adult adoptee board.

The fact that adults are included on a starting a family board just re-inforces the idea that we are - despite our advancing age - somehow forever children. Even ex-life sentence prisoners are eventually rehabilitated. Not us. Forever infantilised.

Offredalba Mon 18-Apr-16 20:35:33

I'm not an adoptee, but I have long been in favour of setting up a separate forum for discussion about the grown up end of adoption. Thank you for bringing this up again. I think that all members of the triad benefit from listening to the voices of mature adopted people. However, some of the things that you might raise are possibly/probably/likely to be upsetting to mums who are struggling to support (sometimes ) vulnerable childen. The converse is also sometimes true. I have often squirmed at the conversations about adopters 'faking it until love happens'. I'm sure that is not what adoptees or first parents expect to read.
So I agree, again. Please do this mumsnet.

westcoastclassic Mon 18-Apr-16 21:03:51

Yes please

Zwellers Mon 18-Apr-16 21:34:08

Also a yes please don't know any adult adopted people I'll so this would be great for me

SpookyRachel Mon 18-Apr-16 21:43:56

Good luck with this, Humsta. Just to add, though, that while I accept Offredalba's point I hope it is also sometimes true that adopted adults and adoptive parents can and have learned from each other on the adoption board. Frankly, adoption has brought me the full gamut from joy to anger to despair to heartbreak to endless love, and I doubt that anything I read could affect me as much as my own lived experience of mothering a traumatised child. Equally, I hope that adopted adults appreciate the warts-and-all honesty of some threads on adoption. What we all have in common is knowing that this is not the rainbows-and-butterflies story that outsiders often expect and wish for.

Anyway, best of luck.

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