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Since WBY was such a huge success, how about turning our collective attention to DV?

(278 Posts)
lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 19:24:51

Quash a few myths, challenge a few preconceptions?

WBY was, and is, awesome. I really think we could do the same for domestic violence. There seem to be an awful lot of posters in, or who have survived an abusive relationship. Reality's "Now Look Here" is brilliant, and we could incorporate that. I'm sure that the bloggers would get behind it too.

Whaddya think?

RonaldMcDonald Mon 22-Jul-13 20:45:39

I disagree.

I asked a simple Q.

Answer honestly how many of you truly considered that the campaign would be gender neutral?
Answer honestly how many of you considered a campaign that would also seek to address the problems faced by female abusers?

I refuse to be drawn into so silly bun fight as this is an incredibly point

PlentyOfPubeGardens Mon 22-Jul-13 20:52:28

great idea.

LeStewpot Mon 22-Jul-13 20:58:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MurderOfGoths Mon 22-Jul-13 21:10:02

Ronald The OP said absolutely nothing about the campaign being gendered. It was you that brought gender into it.

lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 21:13:45

I do think we should focus on the victims. I get what Ronald is saying, I really do. But would that open a dangerous precedent? kind of absolving abusers?

Maybe it could also look at the cycle of abuse, how survivors can help their children (if they have any)

StealthPolarBear Mon 22-Jul-13 22:32:12

I honestly believe (based on evidence so far) that the majority of dv is carried out by men on women. If anyone has evidncce to the contrary (proper evidence, not a personal anecdotes) then I genuinely would be interested as it would shift the focus of priorities as far as I am concerned.

betterthanever Mon 22-Jul-13 22:33:01

Ronald I think you have a fair point but I think it is a separate issue. There are some who say that `therapy' for abusers rarely works as an abuser rarely changes. Which is something people need to know more about in relation to the victims of abuse and how the abuser may claim to be `getting help' so it is all ok then... it usually isn't. I agree victims are victims whatever their gender and the OP wanted a campaign to help support victims by dispelling myths, which I fully support. You can of course set up your own campaign which `helps' abusers.

StealthPolarBear Mon 22-Jul-13 22:33:07

I woukd also be interested to know if anyone knows what proportion of dv takes place in households with children.

lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 22:40:42

Stealth, me too! On both counts.

Better, that's it exactly.

StealthPolarBear Mon 22-Jul-13 22:41:58

I suspect it is the majority as they have more incentive to stay. But I have no personal experience and am probably naive.

lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 22:48:44

I would think you are right. Sadly. Plus, isn't there a statistic that states that a huge amount of first-time violence occurs during pregnancy?

StealthPolarBear Mon 22-Jul-13 22:56:38

Yes that's right

bigbuttons Mon 22-Jul-13 23:03:13

I think this is a good idea. As a survivor I would really like to have understanding widened. Most people still only think of DV as physical. Tbh in my experience the physical stuff was easier to recognise than the years of emotional torture. It took me years to understand what was happening to me and it was only because of posting here that I realised something was wrong in my relationship.

RonaldMcDonald Mon 22-Jul-13 23:12:38

Stealth you are right, of course.

The vast majority of reported DV is from men to women.
(The stats feel odd in recent reporting as there has been an greater reporting of women as abusers. I am unsure what to make of them but time will out.)

I wasn't trying to dispute the information in anyway.
I would add that domestic abuse is massively under reported in all circumstanes, especially when it is prolonged mental or verbal abuse. I think that abuse should also be strongly focused upon.

However I though this might be a good chance to positively help and support women who are also abusers.
I thought we were a big enough group to consider that ignored thread of abuse.

My knowledge of DV shows that those who perpetrate abuse have generally tested as incredibly angry individuals. It also massively has to do with to do with power and control but they aren't the only factors. Other things are often also present, for instance, issues surrounding depression, self esteen and alcohol abuse.
Nothing I am stating here removes guilt from the abuser.
That is why anger management treatment for abusers in the forms of CBT and group therapy in association with other retraining could/should be helpful. There must be acknowledgement of the crimes they have committed for the work to be helpful and for the abuser ever to move forward. Anger management for abusers is not there is an excuse for their actions
I don't think that it is a misperception of the work done with violent abusers.

Angelodelighto Mon 22-Jul-13 23:28:17

bigbuttons I have to agree, only after my Ex-H actually hit me could I recognise the previous 25 years of EA for what they were, I knew beating someone up was not acceptable.

A full awareness campaign informing the public of the pattern, myths & consequences of DV would also be welcome, I seem to re-call an advert recently with the lad watching himself outside the window, was that for something similar? It got the message across.

minkembernard Tue 23-Jul-13 00:21:00

I'd support this too. whole heartedly.
agree with better the Ronald's suggestion is a separate campaign.

i was so lacking in knowledge if DA that i did not realise it was DA until I left. And i find that most survivors are very well versed in what DA is after the fact. if we had known before we might have felt empowered to leave sooner and felt more able to e.g. contact WA. i did not because I failed to recognise what was happening to me as abuse.

BreatheandFlyAway Tue 23-Jul-13 00:49:56

I would support this, too. I feel the more knowledge, the more open-ness, equals less pain for sufferers of whatever gender, orientation, nationaility, etc.

Also, greater education in recognising others' and one's own possible abuse, will be helpful in future generations' healthy r/ss and happy child raising.

GettingStrong Tue 23-Jul-13 01:11:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Tue 23-Jul-13 01:43:22

I think this is a fantastic idea! Especially to raise the awareness of how emotional abuse is domestic abuse and does exist.

FeegleFion Tue 23-Jul-13 02:08:38

Can I just blow one myth out of the water here?

As a professional working with women who are experiencing or have experienced abusive relationships, I must correct the use of Domestic Violence (DV) to Domestic Abuse (DA).

This is a great idea and actually something I have been mulling over as a thread, as so many people are ignorant to the intricacies of DA.

Also, statistically (yes, statistics annoy me too, however, this is all we have to work with) there are only 1 in 1000 (Heterosexual) DA relationships in the UK in which the perpetrator is the woman.

FeegleFion Tue 23-Jul-13 02:16:34

Alcohol misuse is not a contributing factor to DA! Nor is any type of substance misuse, depression or self esteem issues. I cannot believe I've just read this. Where are you a professional Ronald ? I'm sorry but you are providing misleading and completely wrong information.

DA is always, always about power and control and all of the above and anything else that you want to add to explain why some men are abusers is nothing more than excuses!

Perpetrators of DA make a conscience choice to demonstrate the power they have over the survivor. Every single time!

kickassangel Tue 23-Jul-13 02:20:39

Actually, I quite like some statistics in these cases. I think often our perception of how prevalent an issue is gets formed by the groups that grab the most media.

Of course I knw that DA goes both ways, that the majority of it is male to female, but I ave no idea of numbers or scale.

I'm sure there's a huge unknown figure, but some numbers can be v helpful, particularly when presented in a format that is easy to identify with. E.g. If you look around a crowded pub with 200 people in it, how many would be affected?

FeegleFion Tue 23-Jul-13 02:26:49

I've changed my mind.

I think the idea is great, unfortunately, I'm unconvinced it will be successful in practice.

Good luck, I'd love to be proven wrong but a thread in which incorrect information is offered and therefore has the potential to put a woman further at risk is not a good idea.

I'm very aware I have most likely upset you Ronald I apologise but only for having to correct you publicly.

I have not only worked with women in my professional life. I lived DA in my very early 20's and that's why my career is what it is now and it is something I am passionate about.

FeegleFion Tue 23-Jul-13 02:34:59

Kiss before I head off, around 1 in 4 women will experience Domestic Abuse in their lifetime.

DA is not only partner-partner abuse; DC are often perpetrators against a DP (usually DM), however, a MARAC will only be taken in partner-partner abuse.

There are almost always likely to be DC where a woman is experiencing DA.

The likelihood of child abuse (physical, emotional, sexual or threats of) is higher in DA households as it is recognised as yet another 'tool' at the perpetrators disposal to ensure he maintains control over the woman.


Tee2072 Tue 23-Jul-13 04:34:19

Hey, Feegle, instead of giving up and running, use your expertise to help...

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