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Since WBY was such a huge success, how about turning our collective attention to DV?

(278 Posts)
lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 19:24:51

Quash a few myths, challenge a few preconceptions?

WBY was, and is, awesome. I really think we could do the same for domestic violence. There seem to be an awful lot of posters in, or who have survived an abusive relationship. Reality's "Now Look Here" is brilliant, and we could incorporate that. I'm sure that the bloggers would get behind it too.

Whaddya think?

lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 19:36:25


RonaldMcDonald Mon 22-Jul-13 19:48:24

Will it include help for women who are abusers?
Tell them how to also get help?

magimedi Mon 22-Jul-13 19:48:35

I'd comment if I knew what WBY was - please tell, not everyone knows what your acronym means.

lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 19:50:14

Ronald, I would think so. smile

Sorry, WBY was We Believe You, a campaign to help rape survivors and quash myths

lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 19:51:35

although Ronald, that advice would be aimed at abusers in general, and hopefully we would avoid petty point-scoring.

LeStewpot Mon 22-Jul-13 19:58:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacqueslePeacock Mon 22-Jul-13 20:05:35

I think it's a bit sad that the first answering post here is asking about women who are abusers, rather than supporting the idea. There are far more abused than violent women.

The campign is a great idea. I think some "myth busting" around DV would be very helpful (including to some on here).

RonaldMcDonald Mon 22-Jul-13 20:07:43


What do you mean by petty point scoring?

lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 20:08:39

Stewie, thank you for that link.

I agree, the victim-blaming is very tiresome, I also think it's telling that the first post on this thread was asking if female abusers would be addressed/told how to access help.

It's a subject that misogynists often hijack, pointing at the fact that men can be victims of DV too (which was never in dispute) in an effort to close down any action or conversation.

lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 20:09:58

I'm fairly sure you know smile

Jacques, I agree completely.

LeStewpot Mon 22-Jul-13 20:10:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JacqueslePeacock Mon 22-Jul-13 20:12:16

Thinking about it more, it's a shame that the WBY campaign couldn't have had some more help for female rapists, isn't it? So they could get help and stop raping so many men.

lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 20:14:32

Jacques, absolutely!

StealthPolarBear Mon 22-Jul-13 20:15:29

Id be behind this.
Yes some women are abusers. But the vast majority if dv is carried out by men on women. So lets not forget that in the rush to demonise women.
And the effect on the children is far reaching.

lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 20:17:10

Stealth, completely agree, and a very good point. The negative effect of growing up in abusive households is huge and very sad.

RonaldMcDonald Mon 22-Jul-13 20:27:22

Deep sigh

I was hoping that mumsnet could actually help a largely hidden group of women and families that are very rarely discussed.

Professionally and personally I know that a large number of women are domestically violent.
They really need a voice and deserve support understanding and our care.

This domestic violence can take the forms of physical and/or mental abuse. It is very scarring, as any abuse is, but sometimes also affects not only those within the family unit but also those who are cared for by the abuser.

The female perpetrators of dv are often deeply deeply ashamed of their behaviour but have no way of stopping what they do.

What or where do you go if you are a female abuser?
If you are being verbally or physically abusive to your partner, children or someone you care for...who can you tell?
How do you become strong enough to ask for help?

Many women grew up in relationships where they witnessed DV. That cycle of abuse doesn't only replicate in male children, it can also horribly harm the female survivors.

Poor anger control, self esteem issues and never having any help rewriting the narrative of what they may have lived through can result in female perpetrators of DV.

So I really would like to see a support campaign to help women who are Domestically violent because I know that they really need the help.

JacqueslePeacock Mon 22-Jul-13 20:30:48

Do you think they need more help than victims of DV then? (which is what this suggestion, that you have hijacked, is about).

K8Middleton Mon 22-Jul-13 20:33:33

I support a campaign educating people about the myths of DV. It doesn't need to be gendered. A victim is a victim.

lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 20:34:16

In that case, I apologise. These topics are usually, as I said, hijacked by MRAs who do the "look over here" trick to distract people from the real issues. And "whataboutdamenz" is far too common on the relationship boards.

lissieloo Mon 22-Jul-13 20:36:21

K8, that's exactly what I mean. Gender is irrelevant. An abuser is an abuser. A victim is a victim. Getting bogged down in "well women do it too" (which is what it looked like you were saying) just distracts from the core.

RonaldMcDonald Mon 22-Jul-13 20:36:34

I haven't hijacked this thread.

I asked a question.

I was treated very rudely.

I explained my point to show that I wasn't being an apologiser or facetious in any way.

How rudely and how strangely some of you react to a perfectly simple question.

MurderOfGoths Mon 22-Jul-13 20:38:31

"I support a campaign educating people about the myths of DV. It doesn't need to be gendered. A victim is a victim."


JacqueslePeacock Mon 22-Jul-13 20:40:30

But the suggestion was to support VICTIMS of DV. It is hijacking to come straight in with questions about perpetrators instead - especially without even expressing any support for the original idea. All very well if you'd said "great idea, this would be very helpful for X, I think we should do Y, oh and perhaps we can include some help for pepretrators too". But you didn't. And the OP didn't even mention gender, whereas you came straight in with "what about women who are abusers". it definitely sounded as thou you had an agenda.

RonaldMcDonald Mon 22-Jul-13 20:41:54

I have seen women who are truly devastated by who they are at home.
They cannot share with their friends.
They get absolutely no support or sympathy
They have nowhere to turn until they are at absolute crisis.

I truly wasn't being difficult I was wondering if we could champion the other side.
The women, often survivors, who now abuse and have no one.

If on DV threads we see abused women,who remain in DV relationships, vilified and facing demands that their children are removed imagine the fear you feel if it is you.

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