I know from having researched this before that it’s not uncommon for those who’ve been victims of sexual abuse to get turned on by the idea of sexual acts that are abusive. I’ve found this happens to me and I find it so confusing.
I’ve experienced a lot of sexual abuse, starting when I was a child, and at times I will find myself thinking about things that are degrading, abusive or that would put me in a vulnerable position. Why does my brain think these things are arousing? When I have actually tried to do them because I think I want to, they have just been traumatic and made things worse. So I don’t actually want to do them. Yet I still think about them and find the idea of them a turn on sometimes.
I feel completely fucked in the head - it’s so confusing. Does this sound familiar to anyone else? How can I possibly be turned on by things that seem similar to the worst sexual experiences I’ve had, on some level at least?
I have heard before that some women with a history of abuse end up getting into BDSM in a submissive role as it’s a way of dealing with these things in a situation they feel safe in. Yet even in situations where I feel safe (like my marriage), whenever we have tried things that go into this category, even when I have encouraged them and want to do them, they end up distressing me. I don’t even mean anything particularly extreme, just things like restraints which in my head is a turn on but in reality is scary.
I really don’t understand any of this at all. Anyone here who has experienced this and has worked through it?
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TW: sexual abuse and sexual interests, can anyone explain this?
8 replies
Saz432 · 08/04/2021 21:25
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