Sex after birth - it's rubbish

(36 Posts)
zooloo88 Mon 05-Apr-21 22:27:50

Just trying to get some perspective, It's been 4 months since my DS was born it was a long labour lots of tearing and stitches needed by the doctor as the midwives words were "oh no this is to complex and out of my remit for me" and my partner and I have tried sex twice now and honestly it feels absolutely rubbish! First time I couldn't feel anything and second time It felt squishy and awful I asked my partner if it felt different and I said I feel the entrance to my vagina feels wider and he agreed ... well that just made me feel worse kind of wish he had lied - fair enough I pushed out a 9lb baby but now I feel my body is ruined and sex is off the table as I can't deal with rubbish sex and feeling like I do about it! Am I alone in this as I read so many people saying how great sex was after birth and how easy it was to organs I'm Sat here preparing for a sexless relationship

OP’s posts: |
jessstan2 Tue 06-Apr-21 03:19:11

It's still early days, zooloo, give it time. It sounds as though giving birth was quite rough for you with much tearing and stitches but, honestly, it does get back to 'normal' down there eventually. You really do have to want sex again, I mean real desire, feeling sexy, etc, after having a baby.

Do plenty of pelvic floor exercises, you'd be surprised how effective they are.

WreckTangleNewAccount Tue 06-Apr-21 07:46:22

* it does get back to 'normal' down there eventually*

Unfortunately, it does not go back to normal for everyone. I had to have surgery to tighten mine back up.

zooloo88 Tue 06-Apr-21 07:54:23

I am waiting on a hospital assessment but they are delayed so they said it could be months just for appointment. I'm just so devastated I feel my body is just ruined and I was so outgoing and body confident ( and I'm no model I'm an average cake loving chunk) but now I dont even want to look at myself. I've been doing pelvic floors I just have kind of shut down with my partner because I just imagine why would he want sex with me like this

OP’s posts: |
zooloo88 Tue 06-Apr-21 07:55:53

WreckTangleNewAccount

** it does get back to 'normal' down there eventually**

Unfortunately, it does not go back to normal for everyone. I had to have surgery to tighten mine back up.


So sorry to hear it was so bad - Did you do this through gp or private?

OP’s posts: |
jessstan2 Tue 06-Apr-21 09:23:08

I'm sorry about that, WreckTangle. That must have been very traumatic. However most people don't need surgery afterwards.

WreckTangleNewAccount Tue 06-Apr-21 10:29:40

It was through the NHS. I do empathise OP, I know how you feel. I had 2 prolapses though which were a large part of the problem. I had a thread on here about it if you want me to find the link?

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PinotPony Tue 06-Apr-21 14:43:26

It's still early days OP. I wouldn't panic just yet or start thinking you need surgery.

Keep doing your pelvic floor exercises - every day - the NHS Squeezy app is great help.

When you get your physio appointment, they'll likely insert a probe to test your pelvic floor. Only then will you really know the extent of the issue.

My ex helpfully told me that my vagina felt different after labour and I worried about if for ages. Yet the physio reassured me I had a decent "resting rate" and I just needed to exercise the muscles. I've since started dating again and been happily reassured by new partners that all is well!

It does get better but a traumatic delivery involving 2nd, 3rd or 4th degree tears will inevitably take longer. Have patience and don't give up.

WreckTangleNewAccount Tue 06-Apr-21 15:23:52

Good advice from @PinotPony

Sorry if I panicked you into thinking you need surgery or anything, I just meant some of us unlucky few need that as a very last resort. And I think alot of people talk about how 'the vagina goes back to normal' and it can make you feel really abnormal if it doesn't. I'd never heard anyone talking about the problems I suffered from after birth which made me feel much worse about it. But again maybe that's because it's rare for that to happen, and most women fully recover! Your GP will be able to give you some good advice and tell you whats what. Chances are you will be fine with some pelvic floor excersises and physio flowers

Cinderella25 Tue 06-Apr-21 16:16:58

I am 3 years post op and have never enjoyed sex since. When I went to the doctor she laughed in my face and said ‘what do you expect you have had a baby you are never going to be the same again. Everybody you have ever known has lied to you. You will never be 2 fingers again this is who you are now just get used to it’.

I am going to get surgery but it is so expensive in England. You are looking at £8500.

Cinderella25 Tue 06-Apr-21 16:20:14

But lots of people say it takes a year to feel good again, so just wait 12 months. I didn’t find kegels worked exercise is better for vaginal strength. Running, Pilates, abs and glutes all help.

zooloo88 Tue 06-Apr-21 16:41:53

Cinderella25

I am 3 years post op and have never enjoyed sex since. When I went to the doctor she laughed in my face and said ‘what do you expect you have had a baby you are never going to be the same again. Everybody you have ever known has lied to you. You will never be 2 fingers again this is who you are now just get used to it’.

I am going to get surgery but it is so expensive in England. You are looking at £8500.


Oh wow that's very blunt of the GP blush and rather unhelpful I'm sure!

I think I'll see what gp says tomorrow and hope time helps but already withdrawing from partner in an almost self sabotage way!

Wish I'd had c section sad but I'm sure that comes with it's own issues

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TheRealForReal Tue 06-Apr-21 16:46:39

*Wish I'd had c section sad but I'm sure that comes with it's own issues*

Yeah thats what I wish too. If I could go back in time I would have had sections

toadstool32 Tue 06-Apr-21 17:02:12

My dd1 I had awful stiching and so 12 weeks post partum I paid to be unstitched and restitched! It was £1600 well spent. Dd2 arrived 3.5 years later and was an elective section which genuinely was a dream.

Parkerwhereareyou Tue 06-Apr-21 18:22:32

@zooloo88

ZooLoo I think you really are so relatively close to the delivery - you most likely do need to give it a good bit more time.

Somethings won't change without surgery, because after stitches and tears, it's very often that the initial entrance is longer (perineum shorter). They do this so you don't tear or need stitches again next time if possible. But the actual vagina usually can and does go back to feeling much like normal.

Do see your GP. Start the dialogue now, if as much for support as anything else. Usually they will say wait 18 months and then see how you feel.

Surgery is always an option, even in the nhs. But best to have any more babies first.

It's a shock and there's as much psychological adjustment needed as physical.

But it will probably get much better. And if still not ok, can be fixed.

Fromneverland Wed 07-Apr-21 10:55:37

Not everyone goes back to normal. It just doesn’t happen for most.
I understand your “squishy” comment.
It’s a totally different experience and quite saddening when you try tighten your muscles around them and nothing happens.
I also find it hard to believe my husband enjoys it now. Doubt he can feel anything . I haven’t asked and he hasn’t said . It would break my heart. I’m using an electric pelvic toner just now recommended by a friend and have seen improvement so I’m going to stick with it. But it’ll never be the same as before my baby. (4th degree tear and horrible delivery)
I’m sorry you are suffering too

TheRealForReal Wed 07-Apr-21 12:42:59

Have you spoken to the GP yet OP?

Cinderella25 Wed 07-Apr-21 12:55:34

I wish I had a c section too!! All my sisters had one and all my friends. I only know 2 people who have vaginal births.

With a section you get a numb stomach and you can also get a ‘pouch of loose skin’ but you rarely get sexual problems or prolapses. So in the long run it is better.

I do feel for you as I also grew apart from my partner and the thought of not enjoying sex again put me into a deep depression that I had never experienced before. It lasted about 18 months.

That’s when I found mumsnet and posted on here and everyone told me they ‘went back’ and ‘sex was better than before’, ‘you can’t feel the difference’. I generally thought there was something wrong me that’s why I went to the doctors and she humiliated me by laughing in my face.

I feel as if the older generation aren’t quite honest and us in our 20’s and early 30’s are real. So I am glad I found a few others who agreed with me, it made me feel less alone.

Try exercising and wait until you have finished having children before you think about surgery.

Opentooffers Wed 07-Apr-21 13:10:21

11lb baby in altered position (head up), 3rd degree tear. Nothing like a leaflet being dropped by physios the next day, saying that you could suffer faecal incontinence for the rest of your life, to make you do those Kegels religiously.
It takes a good while, lots of numbness for a year or so, but then seemed to be better than ever sensation-wize, and anyone trying more that 2 fingers would get an instant rebuke. As others say, give it time, the worry is understandable, and maybe not everyone gets there and needs further intervention, but it's way too soon to resort to that.
Lots of Kegels and exercise in general meantime, then see where you are in a couple of years - it's a long time to wait I know, the crap women's bodies sometimes end up going through. Hope you get there.

Cinderella25 Wed 07-Apr-21 16:32:34

In France every woman who gives birth gets pelvic floor therapy.

zooloo88 Wed 07-Apr-21 18:02:10

I completely agree I feel as tho older generation certainly aren't as open as us and maybe wouldn't share it where as I'm completely the opposite I feel my partner needs to hear these things as many men are under lots of illusions on how women's bodies should look/ feel and they really don't get it I think most of the time it goes over there head and they don't understand the seriousness or the physical/ mental effects. I went to the GP this afternoon and she said there was good and bad news - good is apparently she said she can tel I'm doing pelvic floors as she can feel it tight but also said she thinks I've prolapsed at the from either from bladder and my cervix is low apparently there is a massive wait for gynaecology as I was referred in January as urgent and still haven't got an appointment so next step is to wait for an appointment and take it from there - I feel really quite annoyed I just think I was stupid listening to everyone saying have a natural birth when I wanted a c section angry mad at my DP because he doesn't have to go through this ( unreasonable.. probably but feeling pretty crappy) i really do think more awareness of post birth issues and menopause need to be out there to not only men but us too!

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WreckTangleNewAccount Wed 07-Apr-21 18:15:17

Pleased you have the ball rolling and can hopefully get sorted now OP. Whenever I see a post about tightness after birth I'm really honest and say that for me, things changed dramatically. And I f****ng hate my body for that. I wish I was one of those women who went back to normal! I honestly felt really angry and like I'd been tricked for a long time. I think those women who say theirs went back are telling the truth, but they tend to generalise and say that's the case for all women. But obviously that's not true is it sad even though I've had an operation im still not 100% happy, and am considering going private to hopefully get the results I want. All this could have been avoided if I'd had sections. I'm so bitter if you can't tell, lol.

Fromneverland Wed 07-Apr-21 18:35:56

Wish I’d had sections too.- at least with my second. I asked and the midwife talked me out of it and made me feel ridiculous for fearing my first birth, with second degree tear, could lead to a worse second delivery. It did. A fourth degree tear with bowel damage and could have died from the blood loss. Women need choice.

Cinderella25 Wed 07-Apr-21 18:39:25

I also resent men for not having to go through with it. I am also angry that my DP told me it was in my head and ignored me.

He showed his true colours he was very distant and unloving. I was so emotional for 18 months after I gave birth angry and jealous at all my friends and family who had sections. Annoyed everyone lied to me about going back. Embarrassed about my body and that the doctor laughed at me. Resentment towards men for being not being empathetic. My sister says I am traumatised honestly it was the worst time of my life, but it does get better.

I regretted having my daughter for a long time she gave me chronic back and hip pain, she woke every 1 & 1/2 hr at night and I never enjoyed sex again. Not one person helped me or sympathised with me. Doctors treated me like it was all in my head and told me to take anti depressants.

Your emotions do go down so it’s not all bad and one day your child will tell you they love you!

Your emotions are valid and you are not alone.

crimsonlake Wed 07-Apr-21 18:40:34

Sorry but to all those saying everything goes back to normal are wrong.
This would explain was second births are usually quicker and easier.

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