When a man goes off sex...

(24 Posts)
MaLarkinn Sun 04-Apr-21 18:22:46

It's 9 times out of 10 because he doesn't fancy you isn't it?

He's only 36, not overweight, no health problems.

I'm too young for this shit.

OP’s posts: |
TheRealForReal Sun 04-Apr-21 18:31:26

Porn addiction?

MaLarkinn Sun 04-Apr-21 18:42:17

No porno with, well maybe some but nothing that you could consider an addiction.

What a head fuck this is.

Oh, the irony.

OP’s posts: |
TheRealForReal Sun 04-Apr-21 19:05:25

What's his excuse? When did he stop being interested?

JustAnotherOldMan Sun 04-Apr-21 20:10:03

That’s one reason, but there are tons
Health, work stress, home stress, relationship boredom, affair, other hobbies taking centre stage, taking you for granted, him feeling being taken for granted, depression, loads of things really
you may need an over dinner chat about it, kicking off with a “not had much sex recently is everything okay with you “. , and go from there

Mooncats Sun 04-Apr-21 20:54:03

Personally I think it's rare for them to suddenly stop fancying you unless there is cheating involved .

There are many many more common reasons - stress , anxiety , tiredness , medication , not spending enough time together and others

MaLarkinn Sun 04-Apr-21 21:11:41

@TheRealForReal says he doesn't like to talk about it, doesn't really give an excuse, so frustrating.

OP’s posts: |

Advertisement

MaLarkinn Sun 04-Apr-21 21:13:32

@JustAnotherOldMan I've tried that and I got nothing back really, then after many months I'll mention it again and he'll say an angry woman is not sexy.
Sexy enough to mind, the kids, the house and pay all the bills though!

OP’s posts: |
MaLarkinn Sun 04-Apr-21 21:15:08

@Mooncats absolutely no cheating at all. I've given up now really and don't mention it anymore as it's humiliating to ask for sex. That is an absolute turn off!

OP’s posts: |
JustAnotherOldMan Sun 04-Apr-21 21:42:10

How is the relationship in general, you don’t sound very happy.
Could it be that your relationship is a bit stale.
Personally I think that when a relationship goes a bit stale, men kinda withdraw from making any effort, and like to pretend everything is okay, whereas women won’t really put up that
And when goes stale sex is the 1st thing that’s get dropped ( certainly that’s what happened when my wife left me, there was no communication abd no sex for the last 2 years or so )

MaLarkinn Sun 04-Apr-21 21:47:37

The relationship was great until the lack of sex. He gave up drinking and it came slowly after that. I can't quite remember. I'm a good looking girl, look after myself yet he's not interested. He says he does fancy me, it's nothing to do with me.
I think he was a raging alcoholic for so long that he's only finding out who he is now he's sober and he can be quite shy talking about sex.
I just can't stay in a relationship where one person decides that both of our sex lives are over.
When we do have sex he doesn't even go on top, it's like he can't look at me or he's lazy so just lies on his side and I throw a leg over.
We've had sex 3 times this year, fuuuuuck that.

OP’s posts: |
LipstickOnYourCollar5 Sun 04-Apr-21 21:54:24

@MaLarkinn - I think this is a problem that will get worse if it’s not discussed and you can reach a mutual agreement, it will just lead to resentment on your side and will wear away at your self-confidence, as in not feeling important enough.
If he’s really not willing to discuss it, then your only option is to leave the relationship.

MaLarkinn Sun 04-Apr-21 21:59:35

@LipstickOnYourCollar5 think this is the end for us, 8 years together, meant to be getting married!
It's already affected my confidence to be honest as the problem must be with me.

OP’s posts: |
LipstickOnYourCollar5 Sun 04-Apr-21 22:28:17

It’s interesting that you say you had a normal sex life before but when he stopped drinking things changed. My husband is quite a heavy drinker and I often wonder and we have a relatively healthy sex life, it’s made me question how he would be if he stopped drinking alcohol.
It seems the lack of alcohol and sex share similarities.
It is definitely not you, you will start to believe it is because it wears away at your self-esteem/confidence etc and naturally we think there is something wrong with us.
It also makes it a lot harder that he’s not addressing the issue, if he was then the relationship would definitely be workable with some outside help and support.

User57327259 Sun 04-Apr-21 22:58:04

@MaLarkinn
Sexy enough to mind, the kids, the house and pay all the bills though!

This sentence really struck me. Do you mean that the bills are all paid out of your income orthat you are the person who deals with household expenses from his money or from your joint money.

Some men are quite happy to sponge from their female partners, others can take it quite badly and that could be affecting his ability to have sex. In this situation it does not sound like you are happy either way. I would not advise sticking around hoping for better. I have lived through that

MaLarkinn Sun 04-Apr-21 23:25:30

@User57327259 I'm the only one working at the moment so everything is coming out of my salary. I opened a letter earlier from my daughter's school and they are looking for 300 for school books in the next week, I feel sick thinking about it. When he gas said before he's a bit stressed it makes me angry as I'm stressed with actual real life problems and I'm still trying to keep a relationship going.

I'm doing everything, working, washing, dinners, shopping, everything that comes with a home and 4 teenagers I'm doing. He says he a little bit depressed, if I had the time then I might be too!

I'm not even sure I want sex with him anymore, it's sort of awkward now if you know what I mean.

I tried so hard to prevent this as we had a great relationship but I can see now that he's using me.

OP’s posts: |
MaLarkinn Sun 04-Apr-21 23:28:30

@LipstickOnYourCollar5 he was a very heavy drinker, about 20 to 30 cans a night, you'd never believe it but that's the truth. That's not including what he was drinking during the day either!

Sex was fine then, regular at least. No problems with erections ever either.

OP’s posts: |
LipstickOnYourCollar5 Mon 05-Apr-21 00:03:01

@MaLarkinn - Oh goodness, that’s a huge amount of alcohol, on a positive he’s managed to give up the alcohol, you’ve stuck by him throughout this too.
Is he actively looking for employment?
Having a job will also give him focus and help support you with the stresses of being financially relied upon.
It may be too late to salvage what you once had and only you can decide if that’s the route you want to follow.

MrsHInch Mon 05-Apr-21 00:38:46

Oh dear x sorry for your dilemma.

Sounds very similar to my situation, which I'm gladly well over the other side now.

But 12 months ago, I could have mistaken your situation for my own.

DH lost interest.
Didn't have regular sex for years before we split up, but for some reason (I blame confidence on my part) I stuck by.
Just got from bad to worse to plane arkward and like you say, asking for sex is such a turn off!!

Problem was, I practically offering it on a plate and he would sooner watch porn; probably a questionable addiction. When confronted he would say "trying to get my mojo back". No matey, your suppressing your needs so you don't need to have sex with me!!

Needless to say, after 18 months at least of him giving me the brush off & at only 32/33 at the time I finally ended it & went back to my mums.

He never fought for me. Never questioned anything, from the day I left until the day receiving the equity release from our joint home was 28 weeks, during the midst of lockdown last year.

Truly one of the best thing ever did!

Used to be a bit of a drinker, but not near what your partner drinks

Estherpologist Mon 05-Apr-21 06:17:39

Sex is often a good measure of how healthy a relationship is.
You sound angry and if that anger is directed at him I can understand why he might not want to have sex with you. That doesn't mean the anger isn't justified, but it won't help.
From the picture you're painting, I'll guarantee he's not happy either, so no sex is no surprise. It will be hard , considering how you feel now, but if you can both try to understand each other without it turning into a fight, you've got a better chance of having good sex.
Good luck.

Blokenamechangesexboard Mon 05-Apr-21 08:03:34

In answer to the OP's question: reasons I've gone off sex at various times:

- medication
- physical and / or emotional exhaustion
- DW and I had a fight
- depression
- stress at work
- bored with sex with DW
- something I'd rather do in evening
- other priorities taking up energy, e.g kids
- want time my myself

Take your pick.

The idea that all men are sex machines or porn addicts is nonsense.

User57327259 Mon 05-Apr-21 08:50:24

@MaLarkinn

I think you know now that it is time to drop the excess baggage. What is he bringing to the relationship. He is not providing financially and it does not look like he has taken over the housework while you work all day. He is not providing sex or even a cuddle. There is nothing in this guy that could be wanted.

Your DCs are teens now, excellent. They can manage without constant supervision like little ones need. If your salary can manage a house, possibly a car, teenagers (who eat all day) and all the other expenses, you will save money by getting rid of a useless drain on the household finances. Even the DCs have a form of income with their child benefit! This guy is just a leech!

Do yourself and the DC a favour by getting rid. (Is the house yours or joint? That is a whole other issue but people on here can advise on that too)

PinotPony Tue 06-Apr-21 15:15:09

As a previous PP listed, there can be a myriad of reasons why a man goes off sex. It's doesn't mean he doesn't physically fancy you.

My ex and I had counselling and one of my big complaints was the lack of intimacy. I was quite surprised when the counsellor asked me to look at my own behaviour in the relationship... why would DH want to be intimate with me when I was moaning at him all the time about housework and childcare, and making him feel useless? It highlighted to me that the lack of sex was just a symptom of the underlying problems in our relationship.

Not sure what else you can do though if he refuses to talk openly about it with you and just shuts down any discussion... have you suggested counselling to him?

MrsHastingslikethebattle Sat 17-Apr-21 22:27:44

User57327259

*@MaLarkinn*

I think you know now that it is time to drop the excess baggage. What is he bringing to the relationship. He is not providing financially and it does not look like he has taken over the housework while you work all day. He is not providing sex or even a cuddle. There is nothing in this guy that could be wanted.

Your DCs are teens now, excellent. They can manage without constant supervision like little ones need. If your salary can manage a house, possibly a car, teenagers (who eat all day) and all the other expenses, you will save money by getting rid of a useless drain on the household finances. Even the DCs have a form of income with their child benefit! This guy is just a leech!

Do yourself and the DC a favour by getting rid. (Is the house yours or joint? That is a whole other issue but people on here can advise on that too)

This.

Why do you need him? What use is he? Hes not having sex with you, working and contributing financially, what is there?

As a PP said, men go off sex for all sorts of reasons. Its life. But he needs to understand he is in a relationship and take his partners needs into account. If hes not willing to talk about it or do something about it, I would show him the door.

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in