Husband wants a sex toy

(45 Posts)
Confoosedandsad Thu 25-Feb-21 04:51:41

DH of 10 years has suddenly said he wants a flesh light and I feel absolutely disgusted by it. He has reasons of wanting to improve stamina and he is away from home a fair bit but I am so grossed out by it and feel quite sick at the idea. We haven’t had much sex because of my hormones which I am being upfront about and getting sorted with my doctor. I don’t feel like I am anywhere near good enough now that he wants a toy like this.

I have my own toy but I don’t use it alone because of lack of libido so we mostly use it together which he enjoys. I can’t imagine making him feel replaced and disgusted by my own choice of sex toy.

OP’s posts: |
LittleBoPeep95 Thu 25-Feb-21 07:20:49

Well I don't see the issue. I think you are being unreasonable. If he wants a toy to aid masturbation who are you to say no? Many women and men use sex toys, it's normal. If my partner told me I wasn't allowed one i would consider them to be very controlling.

Confoosedandsad Thu 25-Feb-21 07:35:37

He was very upset if I mentioned having a dildo but had no problem with a vibrator seeing as he is sensitive about the size of his penis. I am grossed out with him sticking his dick anywhere and feel inadequate as it is with my low libido due to menopause. It all feels quite personal.

OP’s posts: |
Coconuttts Thu 25-Feb-21 08:30:05

No wonder you're disgusted, that's beyond repulsive.

PinotPony Thu 25-Feb-21 08:53:27

Why are you "absolutely disgusted" at the thought of him using a sex toy? That seems a very strong reaction to something that is perfectly normal and acceptable behaviour. Sex aids aren't anything to be ashamed about. That's why LoveHoney sell so many of them!

Do you have an issue with him masturbating generally? Would you feel equally disgusted if he bought lube to wank with?

This sounds like the issue is related to your own insecurities rather than your DH doing anything wrong. A flesh light doesn't "replace" you, his hand doesn't "replace" you. If there is a lack of intimacy in your relationship and you are unhappy, then that needs to be addressed by some honest communication. But trying to control what he does when he's alone is very unfair and likely to lead to even more resentment.

LittleBoPeep95 Thu 25-Feb-21 09:03:27

*No wonder you're disgusted, that's beyond repulsive*

How though?

xpc316e Thu 25-Feb-21 09:09:21

There is absolutely nothing to add to PinotPony's comment. She sums up the issues perfectly and I would urge you to approach this from her standpoint. Please open up those lines of communication with him.


crestar Thu 25-Feb-21 09:19:49


No wonder you're disgusted, that's beyond repulsive.

While owning a collection of large dildos..........

Seasidemumma77 Thu 25-Feb-21 10:39:44

Perfectly put PinotPony

B1rdflyinghigh Thu 25-Feb-21 13:39:10

If I had a husband, Id rather he use a fleshlight than someone else's vagina.

He was open and honest about it, which is admirable. I would imagine that he's currently using his hand currently?

I also agree with pinotpony about your insecurities but I guess there's also an element of double standards involved with your situation too.

WouldstrokeTomHardy Thu 25-Feb-21 14:57:42

I don't understand why you're disgusted. Very odd reaction. Do you get uptight if he has a wank?

saleorbouy Thu 25-Feb-21 20:27:20

I think you need to chill out a bit. He's being very open and honest with you and by your own admission it's highly likely this request is due to the current lack of sex in his life right now. Its great that you are try get yourself balanced hormonally but in the interim surely a fleshlight is a good way for him to satisfy his needs without looking elsewhere.
I really don't follow the disgust some women get when a man wants a sextoy, it's no different to ladies needing toys to brighten up the dull days too!

GentlemanJay Thu 25-Feb-21 21:13:38

I don't think it's a big deal. He masturbates while he's away. Shock horror!

heartlikepaper Thu 25-Feb-21 21:19:39

I think we all need to be open to our partners changing needs in all honesty, i understand you are feeling insecure currently but its no threat to you and its great he spoke to you about it. I would say embrace that openness and allow him the innocent pleasure he can take from his toy. Could you play with it together like you do with yours?

onionsndsage Thu 25-Feb-21 21:19:42

Let him get on with it. It's great he was open with you. I bet it will make him appreciate you more when you do have sex.

dazzlinghaze Thu 25-Feb-21 23:40:11

I think your attitude is at best odd and at worst toxic. Why is it acceptable for you to use sex toys but not your husband? Masturbation is completely healthy and normal and if a toy makes it more enjoyable for him then I don't see the issue. I think it would be really nasty to shame him over this. If a woman posted a thread on here saying her husband was disgusted and angry about her using/wanting a vibrator posters would quite rightly be calling him controlling.

Miffyliffy Fri 26-Feb-21 03:53:30

It'll save his hands from getting calluses, because I guarantee he is wanking anyway.

You feel replaced by a masturbation aid. Your own health issues and sex drive are causing you to feel repulsed by a normal human action, your husbands masturbation.

I hope that he doesn't feel the need to hide things from you after how you responded to him talking to you about a flesh light.

Confoosedandsad Fri 26-Feb-21 22:01:11

There’s no double standard. I have no dildos because of his insecurities over his penis size. I have one vibrator that we use together 99% of the time. The times I use it alone are not through desire but needing to ensure vaginal atrophy doesn’t get worse.
I’m not awful or controlling. I know I have insecurities and I’m not ashamed of that. We talk about everything. He cheated on me early in our relationship and it all stems from there. So when something makes me feel crap and replaced I will tell him and he listens. This is one thing I was really hurt and upset by. I have no issue with him wanting other sex toys but something just makes me feel disgusted by fleshlights and like a step too far as dildos are for him. We have agreed to look at other options.
I am comfortable with my sexual and relationship boundaries and discussing them with my husband. But he brought this up within hours of being home from a 7 week deployment and shocked me and made me worry about his time away.

Btw I started HRT while he was away and sex and masturbation has finally stopped being agony. Yay for hrt.

OP’s posts: |
isitsummertimeyet Fri 26-Feb-21 23:30:52

you sound controlling, id ditch you if i was married to someone that told me i couldnt use a toy to masterbate too.. are you controlling about him having an orgasm without you as well?

its a toy at the end of the day, i dont see the problem, its not even like hes asked to watch pornos

Confoosedandsad Sat 27-Feb-21 07:01:06

It’s a good job I am married to someone who doesn’t think I am awful then. We discussed it and how it made me feel. My reasons were much the same as his with dildos. So no harm done. But to attack me as awful and controlling? Why do so many of you have difficulties with me having a boundary? Why has no one said that he is a dick for imposing a boundary on me years ago and cheating on me but I am awful and controlling for struggling with him sticking his dick in anything or anyone that isn’t me? Everyone has to be so open with everything to do with sex I suppose. Well, not me. I like my boundaries and they are there for a reason. Just because you would have no problem doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a little support with mine.

OP’s posts: |
Blokenamechangesexboard Sat 27-Feb-21 08:14:11

It would be hypocrisy for him to complain about you having a dildo but want a fleshlight.

There are vibrators for men, e.g. Cobra Libras. These are better options. They're entirely equivalent to what you have already and, more importantly, easier to clean.

I can imagine catching athlete's cock from a fleshlight.

dazzlinghaze Sat 27-Feb-21 10:24:28

@Confoosedandsad Well yeah it is a good thing you two are together since you obviously have the same beliefs regarding masturbation. I don't think many other people would put up with these 'boundaries'. It is of course terrible that he cheated on you and no I absolutely don't condone that (my last long term relationship ended due to cheating). However, I still don't think it's right to be able to dictate how a partner masturbates, I would say it's not right for you to have boundaries on that, and that goes for both of you btw!

I would never allow a partner to dictate to me how I masturbate and vice versa, I believe it's an individual's private business unless it negatively impacts the sex life of the couple,
Eg. If a partner masturbates so frequently they lose interest in sex. But from reading your updates it sounds as if there's a lot of trust issues and insecurity in your relationship (for good reason on your part) and the masturbation issue seems to be a symptom of these issues so perhaps couples counselling might be a good idea.

mylovelydd Sat 27-Feb-21 14:17:45

It doesn't matter one little bit whether any other poster on this thread says they don't have a problem with it OP. Good for them. That's not even what you asked anyway so it isn't relevant what other posters are cool with. hmm I don't know why posters are so quick to shut you down and dismiss your feelings. It's your relationship.
You feel repulsed about him fucking a piece of silicone and considering he says you can't have a dildo but can have a vibrator you can use together - I think he's a massive hippocrite.
You do however need to unpick why you feel this visceral reaction because that might hold clues on the miscommunication in your relationship. That will help in discussions between you going forward.

Your libido is low and you haven't felt much like sex but rather than trying to discuss a way forward for you both his solution is to buy masturbation aids for himself...
And as for calling OP 'uptight' hmm fuck off with that misogynist bullshit!
Seems the sex topic is teeming with men and they probably can't wank to this post...

Sexboardsafename Sat 27-Feb-21 14:36:14

I bought my husband one, I don’t get the issue? It’s just a toy and not a replacement for anything

LittleBoPeep95 Sat 27-Feb-21 21:54:43

In your original post you didn't say anything about being cheated on, or the fact he doesn't let you have a dildo. Maybe if you had included that information you may have gotten different responses? All you said was how disgusted you were at the thought of him having a flesh light. Why are you even together, it sounds like you don't trust each other whatsoever?

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