Partner not wanting to wear protection

(22 Posts)
Anonymousmumma Wed 20-Jan-21 08:28:57

I have been with my partner for a year . I recently had a abnormal smear- the doctor recommended I use protection for safety in general and now have hpv.Due to forgetting the pill few times/stomach problems it will be safer and also I don’t want to risk any complications/other infections down like . My partner says condoms mean we lose intimacy as he can’t come and can’t have foreplay with condoms .in summary he isn’t prepared to risk giving up a big thing that makes him happy and admitted that was selfish . I’m stuck ?!

OP’s posts: |
Annwen Wed 20-Jan-21 08:54:35

We're currently using condoms while waiting to TTC. I bought the Durex Invisible ones and we've used them over the last week they do really feel very nearly like there's nothing there for both of us. And we've both come each time. Why not ask him to try those just once to see how they feel?

Anonymousmumma Wed 20-Jan-21 09:11:39

He said will try them ones but he knows already he won’t be able to come so it will be just one sided for me . It’s either be precautious in all ways or nothing and I feel confused as what I thought he would support has now backfired.

OP’s posts: |
AverageGuy Wed 20-Jan-21 09:30:15

Op, it sounds like he is being very selfish.

I will quite happily use condoms. Yes it feels different, but it certainly doesn't negate the pleasure I'm having!

What, exactly, has foreplay got to do with condoms? I've had (lots of) foreplay without a condom on, then, er, interrupted play, to put one on - or asked my partner to do it for me. Make it part of the proceedings, and it's no issue.

Maybe you need to make it clear to him that "no glove, no love" is how things are going to be, and if he can't support you with this, it's time to move on..

What would he be like in a more serious situation?

Anonymousmumma Wed 20-Jan-21 09:51:36

He feels I made the decision based on just my health and body which I did - but thought he would support . Maybe I am being selfish ? He says well if have sex with condom then oral sex would have to be the same with one on to give protection and I understand that - it’s something that is obviously diff with me being a woman and not having as high of a drive

OP’s posts: |
cosmicbabe Wed 20-Jan-21 14:00:34

He's being selfish. Also I hope you both had a std check before not using protection. Also are you on contraception?....

We don't use condoms as we both went to the clinic together at the start of our relationship (romance is dead right) and then he had a vasectomy. Works for us.

Annwen Wed 20-Jan-21 14:10:58

The other thing I would say is that the condom only goes on just before he goes inside me so we have plenty of bare skin foreplay. That what I've always done with condoms - just made sure there was one on before entry, otherwise bare.

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PinotPony Wed 20-Jan-21 14:55:55

He's talking nonsense. You can have plenty of foreplay without a condom and then he simply puts it on before penetrative sex. If he thinks he won't cum with a condom on, just take it off and finish by hand.

He sounds like a selfish knob to me. A decision based on "just" your health is a perfectly reasonable and sensible decision.

StarlightLady Wed 20-Jan-21 16:07:35

Your sexual health must be your priority.

AverageGuy Wed 20-Jan-21 16:13:17

@Anonymousmumma you are absolutely NOT being selfish - he is!!!!!! angry

"He says well if have sex with condom then oral sex would have to be the same with one on to give protection and I understand that " Personally, I think oral with a condom is awful. The sensation is just yuck, but I do understand that some people worry about the risk.

However, I think he is using it as an excuse. It's a passive aggressive way of trying to force you to have sex without protection, and you absolutely don't have to stand for it.

Stick to your guns. No PIV sex without condom. Foreplay, oral & masturbation are ok without (Sorry, I'm assuming you ARE ok with those?)

If he doesn't agree, I'm afraid the advice is dump him, and find someone that actually listens...

Whatliesbeneath707 Wed 20-Jan-21 22:17:06

Hi OP, does your partner know that he can catch HPV and potentially there are risks to his health too? I imagine that’s why the Dr suggested condoms. Would that convince him to use them?

Anonymousmumma Wed 20-Jan-21 22:28:21

I have told him this but because I have low risk and it’s literally minimal risk of it getting into anything serious he sees me as over reacting . Hence why doesn’t understand . Now I have compromised in saying yes to protection during sex but foreplay etc can be just natural he’s happy as got what he wanted . Not sure if that’s good or bad , sod knows

OP’s posts: |
BlokeTarget Wed 20-Jan-21 22:48:39

Hi OP!

Ummm from a bloke to you , your OH is being a completely selfish arsehole.

Why can’t he wear a condom and enjoy being with you and take care of your needs? He’s being selfish.

It’s give and take isn’t it ? And he’s acting like a child and not willing to forgo pleasure for you.

He’s out of order and should just wrap up, suck it up , make you feel safe about the condition and take care of you’re needs grin

Anonymousmumma Wed 20-Jan-21 22:53:39

It is because I was suggesting all sexual contact - foreplay, oral etc needed to be with protection and isn’t keen on it

OP’s posts: |
GentlemanJay Wed 20-Jan-21 23:15:19

I insist in using condoms. If he won't he's selfish.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain Wed 20-Jan-21 23:18:45

Why did you want foreplay to be with a condom on?

AzaleaMania Thu 21-Jan-21 03:05:58

He values his own sexual pleasure over your health. He isn't even prepared to have a miniscule reduction in this in order to protect you both.
He is very clearly a selfish untrustworthy bastard. How do you even WANT to have sex with someone like this?!

wishfuldreamer Thu 21-Jan-21 14:57:08

I'm a bit confused...are you in a monogamous relationship? If so, at least with regards to oral sex, have an STI check each, and check you're clear.

If you want to use condoms for penetrative sex, then do. Though, i'm not clear from your post if it's due to contraceptive concerns, or STIs? Again, why not have your partner have a check (both of you, indeed)? Or is there something about the aggravation of HPV that i'm unclear about?

wishfuldreamer Thu 21-Jan-21 14:59:16

oh, i should add to this though - you do get to decide what you're comfortable with. and if you want to use condoms, for all sexual play, then that is your call. i'm not sure whether you've actually got anything to worry about in terms of protecting yourself from something - but even if this makes you less anxious, he needs to listen. you're not going to enjoy sex together if you're worrying about getting chlamidya in your throat...

BubblyBarbara Thu 21-Jan-21 19:05:48

He said will try them ones but he knows already he won’t be able to come so it will be just one sided for me

What a selfish git. Sex is meant to be all about you as the other partner, not him.

Cornucopia55 Thu 21-Jan-21 22:48:44

I know your partner's co-operation is a different issue, OP, but have you sought a second opinion about the need to use condoms in this situation? I have a work / study interest in this area and personally would want to check further. An abnormal smear is very common. So is having HPV - most sexually active people who aren't vaccinated contract it at some point , and nowadays the advice is that the body generally clears the infection by itself within 2 years. While I could understand the advice to use condoms with a new partner, to avoid infecting them, it's not entirely clear why you'd be advised to do that in this situation. Your regular partner almost certainly has HPV currently or has cleared it, so it might help to get a bit clearer on the rationale for the recommendation your doctor gave. Maybe it would be worth contacting a sexual health clinic for a chat, just to check? And be very clear that you're talking about a long term partner here.

This isn't meant as any comment on the should he / shouldn't he issue. But I'd want to be crystal clear on whether it really is a case of your health being at risk if you don't use condoms, or whether that recommendation was to protect him from catching HPV, when chances are he has it, or has already had it.

BLToutanowhere Wed 27-Jan-21 17:54:59

Your nightclub, your dress code.

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