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How to go from nothing to something?(7 Posts)
NC for this, for obvious reasons.
DP & I together for 10 years. Sex at the start of our relationship was mindblowing, at it like rabbits, best sex of (both our) lives.
Over time we have become lazy and it's dwindled to pretty much nothing today. We were last intimate 6 months ago.
We've finally discussed it several times recently and explored a lot of the reasons behind it which is good. I won't go into it as they aren't particularly relevant but we've figured a lot of stuff out about how we got here and why etc. So in that respect I feel like we've addressed the elephant in the room & are finally in a good place. However we now have the dilemma of how to get back on track.
DP says the idea of getting straight back in the saddle, as it were, makes him feel quite anxious - which is the same for me, tbh. The infrequent times we've had full sex in the past few years haven't been the best for me because I've not been relaxed because of the feeling of pressure ("right we're finally having sex better be good") and frankly out of practice things feel like they have narrowed (tmi sorry). DP says he feels like a teenage virgin again, I get it.
I've done a lot of googling & everything I find talks a lot about reasons for lack of sex, strategies for talking about it etc, but no practical advice on how on earth you start things up again.
Has anyone done this? I think we're basically looking for a timetable (sexy) of fun, non penetrative things to do to get used to being intimate with each other again without the feeling of performance etc. And advice on how you move from that to normal, regular sex again.
Honestly it sounds like you're both over thinking it?! Just agree that you'll be more intimate but it doesn't have to lead to full on intercourse. Then have a couple of early nights?!
BD's suggestion is basic sex therapy - tell the couple to take intercourse off the menu and to concentrate on "non-demand" kissing / stroking / masturbating together etc.. and expect that after a night or so of that, they'll have intercourse anyway.
If the OP and her DC agree that when intercourse happens, and when it stops, is up to her, that can also take some of the pressure off her. There's more than way for him (and her) to come.
Oh, and consider having some lube handy to make any penetration you want to have easier to start.
As others have said, physical intimacy doesn't have to be about sex. Kissing, cuddling, stroking...
If you want to make it fun and have a giggle, try one of the Monogamy board games from Ann summers.
Thanks so much everyone. Yes we are probably over thinking it (sigh). The trouble is, it's now a Thing. So I was hoping for kind of a programme we could follow so it's not on us too think up stuff and get going, we're just following the programme (I realise how unsexy that sounds!)
PinotPony Ann Summers is a brilliant idea thank you, I don't know why I didn't think of that. Ordering some of their games now.
Would second the monogamy game - it is a really good way to shake things up a bit - good luck!