Is our sex life beyond rescue?

(4 Posts)
CarrotforRudolph Mon 14-Dec-20 13:15:04

Been with DH for nearly 11 years, married 10, two DC. Sex was good initially but tapered off quite a bit after DC1 (now 9) was born, but we still managed to have sex every two or three weeks, although it was pretty repetitive. He did try his best, and he’s willing to use his mouth and/or hands, but it didn’t really do much for me and eventually I just got my vibrator out. I made some suggestions as to different things we could try, but he said he felt awkward about them and that he was just very vanilla.

I just assumed I had a low libido, and still continued to have sex every so often, but then developed a huge crush on a work colleague, which lasted for months (never said or did anything about this). It got to the point where I almost found it unbearable to have sex with DH because he wasn’t this person. I’ve left the job now, but still find it hard to imagine having sex with DH as anything other than a marital obligation, and DH has complained that I don’t really seem that into it.

I know this isn’t fair on DH at all, and I do want to try and resurrect our sex life, because everything else in our relationship is pretty good. He’s a great parent, more than pulls his weight around the house, and we get on really well - we still make each other laugh. It seems ridiculous to break all this up over sex. Is there a way of restoring a moribund sex life?

OP’s posts: |
Eleganz Mon 14-Dec-20 18:42:19

I think you will need to try and do a reset of your intimate and romantic relationship to have any chance of getting this back. That requires both of you being on the same level about this and being willing to change things up and experiment. You may want to consider getting some professional help.

However if he is going to be awkward and "vanilla" about it then it is probably not going to work.

Stormwhale Tue 15-Dec-20 18:44:47

I think you need to talk to him and have a frank conversation about the fact that you arent happy with your sex life. Honesty is the only way to make this better. If he still won't spice things up, then i would be thinking very carefully about whether my marriage was meeting my needs. You need to tell him that the "very vanilla" sex is not doing it for you.

Muuuuuummm Wed 16-Dec-20 18:36:10

I think very vanilla sex can be amazing if the passion and excitement is there too. You need to really want to please each other and fancy the pants off each other. I think these things can be rekindled if you are able to get on the same page. Maybe if you try to really find out what each other wants sexually and see if you can find common ground and work on becoming sexy together again. Once the ball starts rolling maybe things will get even more exciting. You sound happy in other ways. I think there is hope for you both to be happy in this way too 😊

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