Do you and your partner compromise on when you have sex?

(22 Posts)
BigButtons Mon 30-Nov-20 15:47:48

I am feeling frustrated and want to get some idea as to whether I am being unreasonable or not.
I have been with my partner for 2 years. For the first 6 months or so we would have sex at night and also in the morning. We only saw each other once a week.
He was keen to have sex at night.
We now spend 3 nights a week together- have done for the past year and a half.
We have sex 2-3 times a week, however for ages now he has never wanted sex at night, only in the mornings.
I find this very frustrating. My sex drive is higher than his but I don't pester him.
I have let him know( gently) that I would enjoy having evening/ afternoon/ any sex other than always in the morning and in bed.
Things haven't changed. I prefer sex at night personally and would like to have it then every once in a while.
What do other people do in situations like this? Do you and your partners compromise? I am being unreasonable in hoping that he will do for me what I have been doing for him for over a year and that is not having sex when I ideally feel like it most .
I don't mean that I ever have sex just to please him,I enjoy sex .
Just I would like to ring the changes and have a chance to have sex when I am feeling frisky- I just get turned down if I try to initiate this if it's not the morning.
Not sure what to do.

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AnxiousPixie Mon 30-Nov-20 16:30:42

Sex life needs to suit you both. What did he say when you said you would love it in the afternoon, was I a flat no? Bit selfish if so.

My husband loves missing sex, Im not so keen but I get into it occasionally as I know he really likes it.

If he's saying he hates it then obviously I wouldnt expect you to try and force him but compromise is the name of the game in every aspect of every relationship right!!?

BigButtons Mon 30-Nov-20 16:33:29

Thanks
He says things like " yes we should do that" all positive noises but then nothing ever happenshmm. I wait a good long while and get more pissed off and resentfulsad

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AnxiousPixie Mon 30-Nov-20 16:40:40

Resentment is a nasty worm in a relationship that rates into everything.

Maybe be more directive?? With us we both work so hard we have to plan in it.

Not in a diaries out sorry of way but sending the odd message at lunchtime about how we'd like the evening to go wink. He finds those messages quite exciting and it's normally ready to go as soon as the kids are in bed grin.

You've probably tried that already!

GentlemanJay Mon 30-Nov-20 17:01:17

I'm not a sex in the morning fan if I'm honest but I know a lot of women like it so I go with the flow.

BigButtons Mon 30-Nov-20 17:14:31

@GentlemanJay don't you ever have sex at a time you want to?

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GentlemanJay Mon 30-Nov-20 17:31:08

Yes I do. My preference is not mornings though.

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AverageGuy Tue 01-Dec-20 09:33:46

Op,
When my XW and I did have (very very occasional) sex, it was always at night, always in the bed, and always followed the same pattern.

This frustrated me hugely. I was, er, "up" for sex (sorry! blush) in the morning, afternoon, evening - whenever, basically, and keen to move things away from the "usual fayre"

Unfortunately she wasn't.

I found out much later that she was (sadly) "ashamed" of her body - the fact that she had gotten older, things were headed south, she had put on weight etc etc. The thing is, none of this bothered me, but it was enough for her to feel much less confident about herself, and only feel comfortable with sex at night with the lights off.

Is it possible that your partner is feeling the same?

Maybe take a bit more of the lead on things. Instead of just talking about it, why not instigate some sex in the daytime?

AverageGuy Tue 01-Dec-20 09:38:32

Sorry, just re-read your first post. I see that he turns you down when you initiate during the day shock

It could be a confidence thing. Does he make excuses for his refusing? Is there anybody else in the building? How old is he? Could he be suffering from ED?

BigButtons Tue 01-Dec-20 10:33:03

@AverageGuy thanks for sharing. Sorry it didn’t work for you
My partner only wants sex in the morning. I think actually that he’s simply had too much wine at night. I am encouraging him to drink less.

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AverageGuy Tue 01-Dec-20 10:57:08

@BigButtons no problem.

Ah, I misunderstood. Sorry. Well, that would seem to put a body confidence thing out. It's still possible he is somehow embarrassed to have sex during the day.

Yep, too much alcohol can do that to you - although often with drink, the spirit is wiling, but the flesh is far too sozzled, iyswim, so I'm not sure its the drink that is putting him off, unless he is drinking so much he is comatose.... Encouraging him to cut down isn't a bad thing.

I feel an open and honest chat might be a good thing for you both.

Whatliesbeneath707 Tue 01-Dec-20 22:57:52

@BigButtons, have you asked why he prefers sex in the mornings? Men make testosterone overnight, so their levels tend to be higher in the morning. I wonder if this has an effect at all?

MisterT373 Tue 01-Dec-20 23:04:15

A man's testosterone levels are ar their peak first thing in the morning whereas a womens hormones are peaking later in tbe day. Its a miracle anyone has sex at all.

BigButtons Wed 02-Dec-20 06:54:37

Thank you. I am sure that his testosterone levels play a big part. Also the wine at night must play a big part toohmm. What confuses me is how he was able/keen to have evening sex in the first 6 months.

'
@Whatliesbeneath707 yes I have asked him- many times- he says he doesn't know.
I would just like a bit of a compromise every now and again and to go to bed with more than just a cuddle. I'm not holding out much hope.
He's a really lovely man in all other aspects.
I just wondered how others managed situations like this.

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firesong Wed 02-Dec-20 23:24:26

You could kind of playfully turn down his morning sex advances... tell him no thanks, not until you've had a night time one wink

BigButtons Thu 03-Dec-20 06:43:01

@firesong I am starting to think that way yes! Hard for me to do as I rather like sex and wish he were up for it more often.

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firesong Thu 03-Dec-20 18:56:25

bigbuttons I was thinking about this as I drove the kids to school this morning grin We sometimes want what we can't have. Like, with my ex, we had a lot of sex. He often tried for morning sex too but I'm not so in the mood in the morning (tired insomniac). My current partner rarely tries for morning sex and I wish he would! Probably because we have less sex than I would like.

I think turning him down here and there might get him thinking about evening seduction - you've already told him you'd prefer it then.

BigButtons Fri 04-Dec-20 19:42:55

@firesong that’s so funny! All my life I’ve managed to choose partners who have had a lower sex drive than me. Where are all these men who want sex all the time? I think they must be a myth and I’m hardly a sex pest!
I am going to be slightly less ‘available’. The predictability of it all is not really a turn on if I’m honest confused

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Rgy3250999 Fri 04-Dec-20 20:18:03

Have you tried coming onto him yourself in the evening, rather than waiting for him to make the first move. Although he might be reluctant to instigate it at night, I doubt he would push you away. If it means you get a sesh and there is less resentment, that can only be a good thing?! 👍

zarek Fri 04-Dec-20 20:41:28

Sex drive mismatch seems to rear it's ugly head in most long term relationships, sadly. If only the early days could be sustained. The trouble with libido is that it's a bit like hunger, if you don't feel it at the time you don't feel it, it's difficult to fake the enthusiasm.

firesong Fri 04-Dec-20 23:07:27

BigButtons

*@firesong* that’s so funny! All my life I’ve managed to choose partners who have had a lower sex drive than me. Where are all these men who want sex all the time? I think they must be a myth and I’m hardly a sex pest!
I am going to be slightly less ‘available’. The predictability of it all is not really a turn on if I’m honest confused


No, the biggest turn on is their desire normally

BigButtons Sat 05-Dec-20 06:33:17

Well he’s tired and stressed and not in the mood for anything now so I don’t really have to worry about it for the time being.
@Rgy3250999 I have tried that in the past- to no avail- he is too tired to do it and I am fed up of being rejected.

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