I really miss sex

(14 Posts)
Lavender79 Tue 17-Nov-20 20:49:52

Just that really. I don't feel like I can talk about this to anyone in real life.

I've been single for over a decade since my marriage ended. Since then, I haven't been intimate with anyone. I've tried OLD but had no luck at all and I just feel so low about it.

I miss having a cuddle and kisses and intimacy with a man. The touch of another person. Sometimes I think I should just accept it and resign myself to not having that again but I'm only 40. It seems too young to never have a sexual relationship again.

I'm friendly with everyone, try and take care of my appearance and take a genuine interest when I meet new people but nothing comes of it.

I did have hope that I'd meet someone but the years have turned into a decade and it just feels so shit. I feel like time is slowly slipping away. I've even considered FWB but I don't know anyone that would be a suitable match - all a bit pathetic :-(

OP’s posts: |
Arnoldthecat Tue 17-Nov-20 21:50:14

What went wrong with the OLD? Do you think you were using the right websites or your needs and aspirations?

Lavender79 Tue 17-Nov-20 22:21:13

I really don't know. Perhaps my expectations were too high.

I think I'm naturally shy so found the whole landscape of OLD difficult to navigate but still gave it a go. I haven't been particularly attracted either to the interests I received - it's frustrating.

OP’s posts: |
Arnoldthecat Tue 17-Nov-20 22:28:01

I have known a few women /relatives who have used OLD and one of the issues that i perceive is that their lack of success might have been due to
a)Not fully thinking about their aspirations
b)Because of (a) ,not picking the right kind of OLD website.

Of course you have to start small and let things grown . Love is like a butterfly,,chase it and it will likely fly away. Stay calm, take it easy, be more measured and it may just settle on your shoulder and stay there.

Lavender79 Wed 18-Nov-20 07:44:50

Thanks for your advice. I totally agree with the idea of letting things grow. The problem I have is that I don't seem to meet anyone in the first place.

However, I'll keep trying. The alternative is being like this forever and I don't want to even think about that.

I honestly never imagined being on my own for such a long time.

OP’s posts: |
Namechangeforthis123456 Wed 18-Nov-20 20:52:49

I kinda know where you are coming from on this one. I divorced almost 4 years ago and haven't been to bed with anyone in almost 5 years. Im only in my early 30s and i had kinda just written off that part of my life but now im thinking maybe its something i dont want to give up on. I want to have good sex in my life!! And i also thought about a FWB...the problem i think is finding a balance. Yes they would be to go to bed with...not hearts and flowers and marriage and romance....but in the same breath i also would like it be someone i got along really well with and could have a laugh with! Its not as easy as it sounds finding a FWB!! I feel your pain

AverageGuy Thu 19-Nov-20 08:40:01

@Lavender79 - OLD is a minefield, and very hard work, particularly in the situation we find ourselves in with Covid.

I'm on pretty much all of the OLD websites, but don't have much luck (which I put down to my age and looks), but I keep plugging away.

I have met and dated some nice people, and even managed to find a FWB last year, but this year has been impossible.

I'd say get registered on more sites, and put yourself out there - it only takes one match...

@Namechangeforthis123456 - you are far too young to give up on sex! I'm 58, and I haven't!

I was very lucky last year to find a woman that wanted a sexual relationship without any / many strings. We were very much friends that had sex. We talked a lot, shared intimate details about our lives, often just watched TV cuddled up, as well as having great sex, so it is possible, but admittedly, very hard to find. (We're still friends)

If it's casual sex that particularly interests you, then you might want to consider more, er, adult sites, like Killing Kittens - this is a "swinging" site, but female led, in that the woman has to make the first move etc.

There are others, like Fabswingers (can be a shock to the system!), and Adult Friend Finder (which is a paid site).

Alternatively, "normal" OLD sites can be used - just make it obvious what you are looking for in your profile.

Beware that there are a lot of married men on (all of) these sites.

I'm sure whatever you decide to do, you will end up spoilt for choice! Good luck! smile

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Lavender79 Thu 19-Nov-20 13:16:01

Thanks everyone for responding. It's been nice to actually get this off my chest as I am just far too embarrassed to discuss it with anyone in real life!

I think I am definitely similar to Namechangeforthis123456 in that ultimately, I would really love to have a relationship where great sex and intimacy is part and parcel of it.

I am realistic - I don't look like a supermodel but do try with my appearance but sometimes it feels like men have such high expectations on OLD.

I guess all I can do is keep trying.

OP’s posts: |
AverageGuy Thu 19-Nov-20 15:09:11

@Lavender79 OLD is all based on the profile pictures. Get that sorted, and you are halfway there.

My personal opinion (and I have to say that I'm somewhat guilty of this myself) is that OLD engenders a "grass is greener" mentality, iyswim.

I'd suggest people swipe the "wrong" way on people they might like if they met, as the next profile might be someone more attractive...

xpc316e Thu 19-Nov-20 15:48:09

I used OLD when it was in its infancy almost twenty years ago and there was a definite difference between the sites where one could create a profile for nothing and the ones which required a fee to be paid. The free, or low cost, sites were full of people who were fakes.

Knowing what I do about human nature, I suspect that paying for something would weed out a lot of the married men who are just looking for sex.

Searching for a future partner is a really serious undertaking, and it has to be worth spending a bit of cash on the project.

Arnoldthecat Fri 20-Nov-20 00:11:53

I know at least one female who uses OLD. It becomes a form of addition and almost constant disappointment for them. They get the highs and thrills of all these guys chasing them,meeting for drinks or lunch etc,,then they all go the same way..they wither away and the guys get parked up as "friends" who are used or called upon on a whim. The females are never happy because they are hooked on it and never settle for one guy because they know there are more suckers coming along..

DivorcedAndDelighted Fri 20-Nov-20 20:49:47

You could have another go at OLD but "hint" in your profile. I was advised by more experienced people that saying things like "Just want to have fun, not looking for anything serious" is a good way to go. Have tried it and can report that it has led to lots of messages, many good - humoured and none awful so far!

Really if you want fun and sex in your life, you're going to have to put yourself out there and risk some embarrassment. As a wise woman said to me on here, it's only sex, not marriage, not commitment - you want more fun in your life, so why not try saying that and seeing what happens? There are a lot of lonely people out there who would probably love to be with you if they knew what you wanted. If you are not looking for a serious relationship, or don't need one, make that clear and the pressure is taken off right away.

I knew a bloke who I liked and was a bit of a lad, so I asked him for some advice... What should a woman do if she wanted to find a FWB? How would one go about this? After a token 30 seconds or so talking about websites he volunteered to help out wink. It has been great fun. I was embarrassed bringing the subject up, but I'm so glad I did. It's added a lot of joy and fun to my life recently. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Good luck.

Arnoldthecat Sun 22-Nov-20 17:32:03

Quite right divorcedanddelighted ..many guys will be more than happy to pleasure a woman,they just have to make it clear what they want.

SynchroSwimmer Mon 23-Nov-20 01:41:24

In other (non-covid times) I would recommend just being proactively involved in interesting hobbies and activities - and meeting new friends/potential partners that way, people that you like and get along with - and then it leads to more (in an organic and less threatening/less stressful way)

Similarly activity holidays - when we are next permitted...

I am honestly surprised at the number of single men that I meet this way, people that become new friends for life, and have learnt that they too sometimes have hang-ups like we do, or are anxious, nervous etc in just the same way that we might be.

I think you can find people when you are busy doing active things - and aren't actually looking - if any of this helps.

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