Can it be revived?

(5 Posts)
Stuckatadeadend Mon 21-Sep-20 14:19:55

My DP and I have been together for 6 years. Not married, no kids. No desire for either & both early 30s.

TL; DR - I'm bored in the relationship and sex is now suffering. Partner makes no effort. Has anyone successfully moved past this? Has sex been good again?

I'm led to believe I was the more confident and experienced one when we met. He was a bit shy at first but quickly came out his shell and we really had a great sex life. We had sex most days of the week, a lot of variety and really open with trying new things and our feelings about sex.

Unsure if relevant but a bone of contention for me has always been that he said he hated that I masturbated, as he felt sex should be enough. I realise this is a self esteem issue on his part. I explained I did it on the days he wasn't with me as we didn't live together or see each other every day for the first 6 months. He was never comfortable with it, he insisted he never did it and over time I stopped masturbating because it was causing more hassle than enjoyment for me. It has come out over the years that, infact, he does do it as I've caught him several times. I recently made it clear I still have no issues with him doing it but it can't be one rule for him and another rule for me. As such, I said I was going to do as I pleased and he could do what suited him. We haven't spoken much of this since. This has been just the past few weeks.

Around 9 months ago I became a bit fed up with our relationship. He doesn't plan anything for us to do or take me anywhere nice at the weekends. I realised anything we did was because I'd researched it, looked it up, booked or planned it. I'm not asking for expensive dinners or gifts I must add. Nice walks in parks we haven't visited before, an occasional pub lunch for example. I explained to him I felt like our relationship was one-sided and I wanted him to make an effort. Nothing changed and I spoke to him about it again. All of my socialising is done with friends and family. We're now 9 months down the line and he still hasn't changed anything about how he contributes to the relationship. He always mentions the lack of sex when we do talk.

I feel like I don't want to have sex anymore because of how lacking the rest of our relationship is. If we were out doing things, for me, it would give us more things to talk about, would keep the spark of the relationship alive and, in turn, I feel like sex would naturally happen.

I now feel even worse because I've spoken to him about how I feel on more than one occasion and he hasn't made effort to change. It feels like he's actively choosing to be like this whereas before we spoke about it he could say he didn't realise he'd let things slide so much.

I should also add that overall he is a nice person and is nice to me in a lot of other ways as he cooks and contributes to the upkeep of the house. He isn't a nasty person but it's clear he has become lazy in our relationship.

Is this worth trying for? Will the sexual spark ever come back?

OP’s posts: |
yodl Mon 21-Sep-20 15:00:27

We had similar issues some years ago. I, too, felt that he didn´t contribute. He did and still does things around the house, cooks, cleans, shares chores with me. But he didn´t and still doesn´t plan our weekends or vacations, it´s mostly me. At one point it started to irritate me ´cause I felt that he just didn´t want us to spend time together as a couple or as a family (we have two kids).
We talked about it a lot. He promised he´ll change but ofcourse he didn´t . Our sex life suffered. I even thought of divorce at one point.

But then I thought things through for myself. Whenever I organize something for us, he´s more than happy to be a part of it. He loves to go out with me, with or without kids. He´s attentive, always listens to me, easy to talk to. He always comes along with my ideas regarding our home or long term future plans etc.
So his unability to plan activities for us is just one slight weakness. I have my weaknesses too and he accepts them and has never told me to change. So I wont ask him as well.

I decided I´ll do it myself from here on. I love to plan our little trips and date nights. He loves to participate. So that´s just what´ll do and have done since.

Our sex life improved significantly as well after this decision. Must even say it has never been better as we´ve tried so many new thins recently ;)

Stuckatadeadend Mon 21-Sep-20 15:25:24

Yeah it does sound a similar situation.

I suppose I'm feeling down about it because feels very one-sided. He doesn't have any friends and I feel like he always gets to benefit from enjoying plans with my friends and family he's always invited to. Or when we do things alone it's always because I've arranged it. I really want him to be happy and to enjoy life. But I also want to enjoy things too and experience the joy of having someone surprise me with a nice weekend plan of a walk in the park and a coffee somewhere before heading home for a cosy evening.

I suppose I'm torn. I do love him and want it to work, but I feel drained after making all the effort and getting nothing in return after speaking to him about how I feel. I physically don't feel turned on by him anymore. He's very good looking and the sex is good when we have it but I don't feel that way anymore. I feel it's because my relationship needs and desires aren't being met and I don't feel listened to.

OP’s posts: |
StarlightLady Mon 21-Sep-20 16:26:19

OP, l’m sorry to hear this. 2 questions about the bone of contention.

1)Does he masturbate?

And 2) why on earth should sex with him be enough. Both are totally different as are the needs.

In my view, to go forward you need to have a conversation about this issue, if he can accept that he is not god’s only gift to all things female then maybe, just maybe, you can go forward, but that will inolve doing other things together.

But not expecting you to have benefit of “me time” is unacceptable.

If you can move on together, things need to develop socially and in the bedroom.

Stuckatadeadend Mon 21-Sep-20 16:34:55

Hi @StarlightLady.

To answer your questions:

1) He does but has always denied it. I've caught him a few times over the years as I've come into the bedroom or as I've come out the shower. I caught him asleep one time with the porn still playing on his phone lying beside him. To be clear, I don't mind that he does any of this. It's normal and healthy. I just have a problem with the fact he was telling me not to but was hiding the fact he did it himself. He finally admitted it in a recent conversation but I think he isn't entirely honest about how often he was doing it.

2) I think there's a place for both people to masturbate in a healthy relationship. It actually makes me feel more turned on and more likely to instigate and want sex with him when I do it. I don't know why but he doesn't see it that way.

I really want the relationship to work but can't keep carrying the full weight of our social life on my own and feel how he wants me to feel towards him.

I'm not sure what else I can say to him. I've had the conversation with him. I've cried about it, I've shared my needs and my opinion, we've argued, we've taken space. I basically told him it was over. He only seems to make an effort when I say that but it lasts a few days.

It's just very frustrating because I don't think I'm asking for much.

OP’s posts: |

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